I wanna Hold your Hand

I'm just really P.O'd right now and I don't even know why. I wanna go beat some one up and then stab little puppies until they bleed to death. Maybe not that violent...but jeez I'm angry. AHHH!!!!!!! I HATE the feeling of being angry. Like, I wish I could never be angry, because it's probably one of my least favorite feelings. and then mixed with impatience and confusion...yeah NOT a good combination. I don't. even. know. I just. RAHHHHHH!!!! SOMEONE GIVE ME A COOKIE. RIGHT. NOW.
Okay. I need to be done having an episode and talk to you, considering I haven't written a real post in a while. The one I posted yesterday, does not count.
So. How're you? What's goin on? Are your holidays going good? Oh, how I hate small talk. Ahhh...I've been listening to my ipod way too much. I constantly have a song stuck in my head.
and I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain, it's two a.m and I'm cursing your name! You're so in love that you act insane and that's the way I love you!
Cept I have the lyrics wrong...It's not miss...it's 'I've been'. So now I don't really like it anymore. Haha:) I fall in and out of love with songs pretty fast.
So..yeahh. I'm excited to go back to school. I know I've already said that but I just feel like something needs to happen. I'm so sick of all the the boring routines...boring days filled with pretty much nothing. I hope 2011 is a good year. I mean...2010 was amazing. At least most of it. I just hope 2011 is better than the last part of 2010 has been. I'm ready for a new year. I dunno what my new years resolution will be. Oh noo! You know what, in about 2 years, we're all going to DIE!!! Shut up. No one knows when the world's gonna end. Sorry, had to put that in there. Anyways. Hmmm...MAybe my new years resolution will just be to be happy. Cuz I haven't been and...I need to be. I really need to be. AHHH.
So A fresh start is what I want. A fresh start...but I do wanna keep the memories. Cuz a lot happened in 2010 and I gotta say...a lotta things happened that I will absolutely never forget. dang. a LOT happened in 2010. My first show choir competitions...High School musicall...a lotta other stuff. :) I guess overall it was a good year. until towards the end. but at least I held on:)
So...when school starts...a lots going on. I heard next week we have show choir everyday, and school hasn't even started yet, next week. I go back on the 7th, but I think Imma just go back on the day of finals, just because I kinda wanna be in those classes one more time. I have to switch my science class (which like, all my friends are in) and express:( Although I'll still see them. dang. I have health...in replacement of my science class, and my science class goes where express was. But I'm excited!! I just...SOMETHING NEEDS TO HAPPEN!! Cuz. This. Is. Boring. And something good. Not Bailey having chicken pox because THAT happened and THAT is not cool. I'm like terrified I'll get it. Although my parents told me I wont because I was vaccinated when I was little. But my mom might get it and if she does it could be fatal. Let's just hope she doesn't. and my sister acts fine except for the itching! Like she still runs around and stuff. but every little normal (i hope) itch I have I kinda freak out a little bit.
Tomorrow I'm going over to my friend Hannah's. I really need someone to talk to in person. I feel cut off from my friends lately. Idk why I talk to them 24/7. I just need a hug. Really bad.
EEEEEEHh. You know, Show Choir season always bring drama. and this sounds horrible, but I'm kinda excited to see what that drama will be. Because It's better than BORINGNESS. PAINFUL BORINGNESS. What will I do this summer? Last summer was great but I have a very strong feeling this summer will be way. way. different. and it won't be good. and I'll end up going anorexic or something because I've already lost 5 pounds in a week and I Have no idea how. hmm.
You know what? Imma start making a question of the blogg. :P Each post, I shall ask a question. And if you know me, you can text me the answer, or you can comment on the blog...I'm pretty sure you can do that. :P
Alright...
so...

What's your new year's resolution?

I guess I don't really have anything to say.
Seeya.

-Kiera

Innocent.

Im really confused. I miss being 4 years old. And your biggest worry was that your mommy made you stand in the corner. Now that were getting older...Im kinda scared. I don't wanna grow up and face the world. I'm still a little girl. I still hold my little stuffed animals and cry when im upset. But then realize that now...it's different. I can't come crying to mommy and daddy when im scared. I can't climb in their bed in the middle of the night when there's a monster in my closet. And I have to be te role model for the kids. And I just..I dunno what's going on. I dunno what's up with me. I just hate sitting alone ad crying and having to wonder if there's anyone out there who understands. I know gave stupid issues. I wish life was easier. Cuz its not fair. To look at the world and wonder why there isn't enough magic left for me. I hate being older and having everyone assume I can solve all my problems on my own. Sometimes I need someone to tell me it's gonna be okay, because I don't believe it. I don't wanna grow up, and then I do. And then I look back and realize there's already so much to miss. People grow up. Things change. I dunno. Lord, help me be okay...
-kiera

Absolutely PeRFECT:)

Heyy! Merry day after Christmas! My Christmas was absolutely, 100% PERFECT. I'm actually on my new iPod touch(eheee!) right now, so this one'll be short. I got lotsa clothes, a straightener, some eyeliner, just dance 2, 2 new jackets, this iPod:) (the iPod is from my nana and aunt Laura:)) a case for the iPod(purple!) pink speakers, money, an awesome sexy hat...And some other stuff im too lazy to type out. But what a day! It was a white christmas! Finally! I don't even remember the last white christmaso.o it's so beautimous. Heee. Okayy. Short post. More next time I'm on the compoooooter:D
-Kiera

Santa Claus is comin' to Town!!

Merry Christmas Eve! I'm not so sure I'll be on tomorrow. Christmas day is kinda busy for us. but I'll try to drop a quick Merry Christmas if I can:)
Tomorrow is Christmas! It's cool to think about all the little family traditions we have around my house. Since I have 3 younger siblings (unfortunately, only 2 of them still believe in Santa Claus) you never get to sleep past 6 on Christmas. All my siblings come and camp out in my room, me on the bottom bunk, my sister on the top, brothers on the floor or at the end of my bed. Usually we don't really sleep. We sit up all night and talk about what we'll get in the morning...how excited we are to rip open all the colorful wrapping paper. Then when we finally fall asleep, we wake up at 6. I love waking up my parents on Christmas morning. It's always 'guys! wake up! It's Christmas!' To each other, and then we all freak out, and Max is half asleep for a few seconds, and then he realizes it's time to open presents.
Oh my goodness. I need to inform you of what happened last year. or...the year before? I'm not sure which one it was. Anyways. Max was younger, so all he really knew was that you get to open presents on Christmas. So he woke up before anyone was up, and went downstairs alone and started opening presents. I got up and heard tearing paper downstairs, and at first, I thought it was my parents wrapping presents late or something, and then I checked in the boys' room and realized Max wasn't in his bed. So I ran into my parents room and told them that I heard ripping paper downstairs and Max wasn't in  his room and they BOOKED it downstairs. It was really funny cuz they were half asleep. and turns out, Max had already opened about half of the presents. That's probably one of the funniest Christmas memories I have. :)
anyways...back to Christmas morning madness. After we wake up my parents (LOUDLY, at that) we all line up at the staircase,  youngest to oldest (of COURSE I go last) and my parents video tape us going down the stairs and seeing the presents under the tree in the living room. and after we open all our presents (and take endless pictures at that) we hang out and play with them for a while, and then go over to my gramma's for the whole family Christmas. We always get gifts there too, but since I'm older now the main thing I get is envelopes filled with money. I love my Grandma's christmas tree. It's a fake tree, and it always looks so pretty. You know how everyone seems to use those boring white lights? My gramma uses the rainbow ones. and her ornaments are so pretty. She has just about a million ornaments and none of those boring bulb things. They're all different, and some of them play music, some of them are miniature books. I remember when I was little I would sit around Gramma's Christmas tree for hours...:) I lived with my gramma for the first 2 years of my life, until my parents got married. They got married when I was 2, and then we moved into an apartment. I don't even remember where it was...somewhere close to the casino. and then when my mom had Bailey, we moved to Wentzville. I pretty much grew up there. Ahh...I have so many memories. I'd play outside with the neighbor kids everyday. and my next door neighbor, Devon, was a lot older than me and my other neighbor Britta, and so she took advantage of us. Haa...us, gullible little kids. I remember I was always the one to get left out. Poor little kiera:( We would play X-Men...all. the. time. and Devon made us believe that she was actually Storm from X-men, and if we did anything wrong she'd call Wolverine and he'd slice us to peices. :P and Britta was Kitty...the invisible one? And I was...rougue. The one who if she touches people for 5 seconds, they pass out. Yeahh, I was the lame one. haha:) anyways...we had Carson, and then when my mom found out she was pregnant with Max, we moved to live with my uncle in saint.charles for a year. Then we moved here. To good ol' Troy. Moscow Mills actually, but whatever. I feel like I've lived here all my life. So I guess you could say, I really grew up here.
I don't have any idea why I just gave my whole life story.
Guess I'm just bored and want something to do, so I'm randomly telling you about my boring life. Sorry if I'm boring you to death:P
But once again, Christmas isn't about the gifts. Who's birthday is it? CHRIST's! That's why it's called CHRISTmas? :)
Okay so...yeahhh...
So, me being the oldest of the Loveless clan, I'm in charge of making sure each of the children do not enter the vault of Christmas gifts. Or wherever they're hidden. I'm nice enough to not sneak in there and take a peek for myself just because I want it to be a surprise of Christmas morning. But I'm also the one who has to make up all the Santa Claus stories. I love talking to my little brothers about Santa. Last night I was babysitting, and I was talking to my 4 year old brother Max. and I told him about santa and he looks at me with this completely mystified look on his face.
"But Kiewwa...how will Santa get in if we don't have chim...achi..."
"A Chimney?"
"Yeahh."
"Santa's Magic, Max. He can do anything."
"Magic?"
"yeah, Santa will come through the front door, even if we lock it, cuz he's magic."
"and bring me PRESENTS?!"
"Yes, Max. And bring all the good boys and girls presents."
"Woah."
and then Carson fell off a chair because he was balancing on two legs, which I have blatantly told him not to do a MILLION times, and I say "Well, that's what you get. You okay?" and he ran up stairs yelling at me telling me I was blaming it on him." So then I ran upstairs and talked to him. and I gotta say, I'm gonna be a FREAKING. AWESOME. mom one day. After me giving him the 'we all fight but we still love each other' talk, after about 5 minutes he hugged me and told me he loved me. :) Those are the moments I absolutely LOVE being the big sister:D
and then while I was talking to him, he goes "I think I'm gonna be in show choir when I'm big. Just like you, Kiera. and Max too. He'll be in show choir. We'll all be just like you." And I smiled and told him that'd be cool, and then he looked at me and goes "and you'll be like 29 when I'm in show choir." and I laughed and was like..."No...I'll be a sophomore in college when your in 7th grade" (or something like that) and he got this worried look on his face and goes "and then you'll go away to college and I'll never see you again!" And  he just bursts into tears, and I go "Noo, Carson, I'll come back and see you guys all the time. Like for holidays and stuff." and he goes "Yeah, because Holidays are when our family is sposed to be all together..."
It was so. Cute. Carson's only 8. and he is gonna make some little girl very happy one day, because he is a little man. :P
So honestly...I have nothing to say. If you read this...and you know my number...randomly text me your favorite thing about christmas. I am doing this..for 2 reasons.
1. Because It's an interesting question.
2. I wanna see who the heck reads this thing.
(although I already know Al and Jake read it. Hello Al and Jake! :P)

-Kiera

Beautiful Disaster

I come to the garden alone...
while the dew is still on the roses...
I LOVE that song. :)
'He walks with me and he talks with me. and he tells me I am his own...and the joy we share as we tarry there...none other, has ever...known'.
:) So. PRetty.
Anyways. I've had that song stuck in my head all day.
So...dear friends. I got to see Santaa! :) and my sister was to afraid to sit on his lap, but I sucked it up and took a picture. Now it shall be my facebook profile picture. >.< Once I find the camera.
So.
Yeah.
I dunno what to say.
You know what?
I have a lotta good memories with a lot of really awesome people. I did some stupid taggy thing on facebook and the stuff people put on there just made my day so much brighter. And today's already been a really great day. I mean..I got to see SANTA CLAUS. How could it get much better? I realize that I have a pretty rocking life. Rocking. I sound like I'm singing a choral version or a rock song. ING ING ING! ROCKKKKING! :) Ahhhh....Just. Wow.
Sometimes I don't realize how good I've got it. I don't live on the streets. I've got a family that loves me, and friends that I absolutely ADORE:) and if I ever need anyone to hold me, God is right there. Always:)
This may sound, uuuber cheesy. But one time, I was scared out of my mind...and I was laying in my bed having one of those random breakdowns I sometimes have, and I asked God to hold me and I instantly felt a million times better. I felt..whole again. God really does make miracles happen everyday. It's pretty amazing:D
And you know what's funny? (to change the subject randomly like I always do) One of our family friends is over, and he's...10 I think. And he's been sitting next to me watching me on facebook and stuff for a while on the piano bench, and he totally fell asleep. It's so funny. I think I might take a picture later. He's like curled up on the piano bench holding onto the sides. :P
Christmas is comming! I'm just gonna keep saying that until christmas is actually here. :) I'm way excited. Even though I don't think Christmas will be as good as it could be. We're not exactly rich...but you know...being with family is what makes it Christmas. Not the presents under the tree or the gifts you get or santa claus...everyone makes it seem that way. But Christmas is really about Jesus being born. One of the greatest miracles to have ever. Happened. That's something to be celebrated! Not by being selfish in what gifts you give and recieve. But by being happy and greatful for the ones you have, and loving everyone around you, even if you haven't been on the best of terms. Sometimes its hard to look at someone you have a harder past with and want to be best friends with them. Maybe I'm not saying you have to be best friends, but don't push them out of your life. Say...you don't like this annoying friend of yours and you never text them because you think they are just the most annoying person in the universe. and they text you one day, but you ignore it, as always, like any other day. Now lets say the next day, your friend dies in a car crash. Wouldn't you feel kinda bad about ignoring them all the time and wished you could've been closer to them? Now it's too late and they're gone? The world's a scary place.
I wrote a monologue in drama. I didn't use it, because my friends told me it sounded depressing and like I had self confidence issues. But it was really...I really liked it. Of course my friend ended up using it because she asked if she could use it to model hers off of and I said sure, and she ended up forgetting and so just used mine. Which kinda pissed me off, but so be it. I ended up writing my second monologue as Music. Like...my character WAS music. It was pretty inspiring. I was the only one in our class that had a monologue written AND memorized:) I can memorize things pretty fast though. Which is why I don't have to study a lot of the time. I think I have a slight photographic memory. Well...ANYWAYS. I performed it for the class and made myself almost cry. Well, I didn't actually cry, I just used so much emotion that I teared up. I do that when I act sometimes..I don't know why...but our huge, loud class that NEVER. SHUTS. UP...like everyone went completely silent and then clapped at the end. Okay I'm going off topic. My first monologue was about God. And how you look at the world and  you think...what the hell happened. You read in  the bible about how God created the beautiful world and it was perfect and good. and you look at the world now...the death and destruction and...horrible things that happen...and you wonder...really! What the hell happened. Our world is now sort of a...beautiful disaster? but then there's those good things that you see and you realize that the world is perfect in a way. Perfect in a not-so-perfect way. What a beautiful disaster. It's just amazing how everything works out like that. How can people think the world all just happened? Yeah, yeah. The Earth is the EXACT temperature for humans to exsist because of a BIG BANG. OOPS! THE STARS EXPLODED AND MADE MONKEYS EXSIST AND THEY SOMEONE TURNED INTO HUMANS! no.
That's not what went on. God made every one of us and truly thinks we're PERFECT. Which is so..so hard to believe. How am I perfect? I thought no one was perfect. But then I realize...everyone is perfect in our own way. God made me this crazy, melodramatic, completely insane little girl with stringy muddy brown hair, a too big nose and a witchy chin. and he calls me perfect. He calls me absolutely FLAWLESS. And then I look in the mirror and I think...This face isn't perfect. This face is anything but perfect. and it makes me want to FIX myself. But then...look at it this way.
You just finished a masterpeice you've been working on for 4 years that you think looks absolutely brilliant. and your best friend comes to see it and she says it looks ugly and points out all the things she wishes you would change.
Wouldn't that hurt your feelings a little bit?
Now don't be a smart ass(excuse my foul language) and say no because I'm pretty sure that would hurt ANYONE's feelings.
Well...think of it in God's perspective. He made you absolutely perfect the way you are. Pimples, greasy hair, freckles, big nose, bad eye sight, mustache...whatever quirks you've got. He gave those to you for a reason and he looks at you and thinks..wow. He/She is beautiful.
God thinks you are BEAUTIFUL.
Why can't you?
Think about that:)
and have confidence in yourself:D

-Kiera

Santa Baby...

Sometimes my titles don't really make sense. It's a Christmas song...because guess what's in...3 days? CHRISTMAS:)
I gets to see Santa tonight at a family friends house. WOO! Santa Claus is comin' to town...haha:) My 4 year old little brother sings that around the house all the time and its so. cute. :)
:DD
So...how's life?? Mine's...okay I guess. Could be better. But couldn't it always. Eager for Christmas to come. I asked for an Ipod touch. Although I'm not sure if I'll get it...we're kinda poor. Whatever. I'm praying.
Well we gotta go. Short post. :)

-Kiera

That was Yesterday:)

I wrote a song the other day. I only have a verse and chorus. but here goes nothing.

everythings changed
the stars are aligned in a different way
for better or for worse?
Honestly it feels more like a curse
Sometimes I break down
the music's losing its sound
Broken melodies unwrap before me
and it takes all I've got to get up off my knees
(chorus)
I know that someday
I'm gonna look back
and know that I'm okay
Can't wait til that someday
I will smile and say
That was yesterday

I have more...but I'm unsure of it so we'll just leave it at that. 
So...how've you been my friendly person who's probably not reading this. I actually haven't really been busy now that the musical's over. Show choir's picking up. I found out we get to wear gold dresses and FUR VESTS:)
Exciting stuff, right?
Today is Saint Nicholas day. Apparently only Catholics celebrate it. Maybe more but the only people today who also do it are catholics so I came to that resolution.
You know, I'm doing really good, if I do say so myself. I'm so happy with my life right now, it's not even funny. I dunno what it is. I'm just loving life. I'm myself again. Everyone can tell, too. Today's been a fabulous day. I have show choir at 7. I'm ready to work my butt off.
You know what I realize?
I'm not afraid of  heights. I'm afraid of falling.
I'm not afraid of being alone. I'm afraid of losing those I love.
I'm not afraid of falling in love. I'm afraid of being hurt.
I'm just tough enough to take that risk.
OWow.
:D
I have a huge tub of cotton candy. and I've already eaten half of it in one day. :P
Random. :DDDD WOOO!

-Kiera

Happy Turkey Day:)!

It's been a while since I've last posted. It seems that every post lately begins with me apologizing for not writing in a while. Business,  business, business.
Today is Thanksgiving! :) Happy Thanksgiving! :DD Today's been great. Too much food, great family traditions. I'm very happy:)

The musical was great. I was so sad when it was over. I think everyone was crying. Or at least the softies like me. It was sad saying goodbye to the people I'd seen everyday after school for 3 months. I know I'll see em' again. Most of em' at least. It's just sad, ya know? Working so hard for something and being completely worn out and then all of a sudden its just...over. I'm so glad I did it. Even if it was stressful, musical really helped me be happy again.

My family has a bunch of traditions for most of our holidays, and Imma share some of ours for thanksgiving.
-We go to different houses each year. This year it was at my house. Hecctiic.But worth it:)
-We always sing Christmas carols. My grandma finds the piano and we all sit around her and sing Christmas carols. I love it.
-We play this game called 'Rob your neighbor'. 13 and under plays with the kids, and everyone buys a buncha little cheap presents and wraps them, marks them 'anyone' 'young girl' 'older girl' 'girl' 'boy' ect, and puts them on a table. You pass around a pan with two die in it, and when you roll a six, you get to pick a prize. At the end, everyone unwraps their presents. It's funn. Then, when your 14 or older, you play with the adults. Same thing, except only girls play with the adults. After boys are 14 they're done. They watch the football game with the guys. and after you unwrap the gifts, then if you roll a six again, you can steal a present you like from somebody else. More fun. This year's my first year playing with the adults. heheh. Oh, and there's a timer. The host (my mom this year) sets a timer but doesn't tell anyone how long the timer's set for, and when it goes off, you're stuck with what you got. One of the cool things about rob-your-neighbor is that you can get whatever, and people buy gag gifts. Like a big block of wood. Not all of them are gag gifts though. This year I helped my mom wrap the gifts and we got some pretty good stuff. Picture frames, gloves, scarves, headbands...a lot better stuff than the kids table. Which is usually like...puzzles, lip gloss, play-dough, candy...the candy I don't object to. :P
-We all pray together before eating.
-After Rob-Your-NEighbor, we attack the pies. Everyone brings one, and so there's about every kind of pie you could possibly imagine. Ohh...I can't wait until after rob-your-neighbor!!
I know there's more but I can't really think of any at the moment. There's the House family thanksgiving. My last name isn't house but...it's like..the family name. Whatever. You get my point. The kids are playing r.y.n right now, so I got bored and came to write. I think they're almost done. WOOness.

So. I think I'm happy. Not completely but...I guess I realize that I can be happy. Which is really good for me. I realize that worrying about little things like boys and stuff is stupid. I just have to be myself. and I shouldn't go looking for love. It'll find me.
There's so many things I'm thankful for.
Gotta go.
:))

-Kiera

Hello World.

My life is so extremely hectic lately. Not only do I have to go to musical practice from 3 to 10 every day, but I my parents also decide they want to argue with me nonstop lately. And to add to that, we're so poor right now, we can't even get a turkey for thanksgiving to feed my gigantic family. I don't think Christmas is gonna be the best, but...it's okay. I feel bad. Cuz if I wasn't in show choir, and musical and all that stuff...maybe we'd have extra money to do more stuff. It's really hard. It's hard when you never get to see your family cuz you're constantly at the school auditorium and your scared because you've got 3 more practices and the musical is NOT done. O.o It's hard when you're friends ditch you for a cute guy, when you'd ditch the cutest guy in the universe for them. It's hard when you can't see anything cuz your glasses broke and you can't afford to make an appointment for new ones. It's hard when you don't have the money to get yourself something to eat at play practice for dinner break. It's hard when guys look at you like the freak you are.
But enough complaining. I'm lucky too. I have a family that loves me...great friends...even if they both can be imperfect sometimes. Everyone can. Even if some do more than others.
Lately, everything's just been so difficult. I wish there was someone who'd hug me. REALLY hug me. Like before and..just...hug me.
I could write so many things right now. and almost all of them I don't want to because
a)they will sound absolutely pathetic
b)I don't want the person every one of them are about to read them.

RAAAWR.

Then there's those little bitty things that brighten your day and just make you think...you know? Everything is gonna be okayy.

Like...getting home and seeing my little siblings sleeping..or getting  home and seeing them running wild around the house. Or sitting in the car idle in the driveway, talking to my mom for a half an hour. Or squeezing all my friends onto a couch and watching a scary movie and screaming and laughing. Or looking at someone that you can see is gonna be happy. That you want to be happy more than you want yourself. And knowing they'll be okay...it helps me know I'm gonna be okay. I kinda just changed persons there.
Or the little girl with the pigtails who smiles at you in walmart, holding onto her mommy's hand.
Don't you wish you could go back to being 4 years old? Nothing really mattered like it does now. The biggest of your worries were that you lost your favorite toy or that you didn't want to take a nap.
I guess what I'm saying is...no matter how hard things get, look at the little things that make you happy. The little things are sometimes the things that can make the biggest difference:)

-Kiera

Hang your head.

Good morning. I'm really tired. and I have gym first hour. Oh. Joy.
I just found an interesting quote.
"Have you ever felt like you can't ever be good enough for the next guy? because you gave everything you had to the one who broke your heart."
Depressing but...I get it. I'm not gonna elaborate. You just think about that for a little  bit, my friend. Think about it.
You know what upsets me? The fact that whenever one of my friends are upset, I make them feel better to the best of my ability. I try my absolute best to put a smile on their face and to listen when needed. and then when I'm upset, the majority of my friends pretty much tell me to get over it and move on. It doesn't work like that. Ehem. The stupid quote "Time Heals" is actually incredibly accurate.
I just...hate thinking about those stupid lies...that I believed. I should've known...I should've been smart. Of course I had to fall for someone who plays with girls hearts and then dumps them and hates them for the rest of their life. What the hell ever happened to we were always gonna be friends? another broken promise? really? cuz I'm pretty sure he hates me. I didn't do anything to him. I haven't been stalking him or trying to get his girlfriend to break up with him. She's happy. Although she said something the other day that made me think. but I'm not puttin' it on the internet.
I'm the farthest from happy I think I've ever been. I've got so much over my head right now. "Kiera, you need to practice the dance more." "Kiera, you need to get these lines down." "Kiera, you need to bring your music." "Kiera, you need to try harder." "Kiera, do the dishes." "Kiera, Clean your room."
WHYYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!
I want some time to sit on a really, really fluffy bed, and hold myself and cry. and have no one bother me. Just cry. It sounds really stupid, but I'd love to do that. Crying isn't always fun, but it's better than holding it in all the time.
If I didn't have my friends I probably wouldn't be here today. Let's leave it at that.

-Kiera

Gravity.

I feel so bad. Long story but...gah. It's just..this guy. Likes me. and you'd think that it'd make me happy. but today, he asked me out. And I told him that I liked him, I really did. and I do. But I'm not ready. I don't know when I will be ready, but I'm not now, and it wouldn't be fair to be with him, no matter how much I like him, when I love someone else. Knowing that if that person were to ever want me back, no matter how unrealistic that idea is, I would go back to him in the blink of an eye. It's wrong and unfair. I know I made the right decision. I don't like it, but I do. and he's right; Life's not supposed to be easy.
My life seems to be some twisted, insane, narrow little path. and I feel like the only thing holding me down is gravity. With, technically is true but...you get my point. GAH. So now I have a song.

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.


I wanna randomly scream that song to the heavens.
I need to go to bed before I make myself cry again.
That's pathetic.
I'm fine. :)

-Kiera

Who am I kidding? I'm absolutely, 100% NOT fine.

Breath again.

Car is parked, bags are packed, but what kind of heart doesn't look back
At the comfortable glow from the porch, the one I will still call yours?
All those words came undone and now I'm not the only one
Facing the ghosts that decide if the fire inside still burns

All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again
I'll breathe again

Open up next to you and my secrets become your truth
And the distance between that was sheltering me comes in full view
Hang my head, break my heart built from all I have torn apart
And my burden to bear is a love I can't carry anymore

All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something

Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again

It hurts to be here
I only wanted love from you
It hurts to be here
What am I gonna do?

All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching
All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again
I'll breathe again



I love this song.
So my choir teacher, Mrs.Pietzman, told me today that she's making me her 'project' this year. Apparently I don't have any self confidence and I need to be more confident in myself, and so she's gonna make me more confident. I dunno how that'll work. I just see nothing special in myself. Honestly.

I remember last Halloween. Me and Amanda had like, just become best friends. and we walked around her neighborhood by ourselves trick-or-treating, and I remember us fantasizing about these guys we like (wow SHE had moved on. Unfortunately enough, for me..lets not go into that) and we wanted to be s'mores. haa. Now she's dated that guy and broken up with him, and been with another guy. and me...again, let's not go into that.
You know, I'm really an idiot.
Honestly.
I'm just...ugh.
I don't know.

Memories.

I can't just wait for something to happen forever. Because that something...the something that I think about everynight and imagine every possible way it could happen and reply those ideas over and over in my mind...that something isn't gonna happen. I'm just gotta have to get over it. Get over it. :/
I can't be afraid of what'll happen in the next few months.
I can't look back at what was, and wish it still was. Over and over again. Well...I guess I can. But there's no use. It's a stupid wish. A stupid, unrealistic wish.
I also can't just forget. I can't just forget everything. The mere thought of that scares the living crap outta me. I can't forget. I just can't.
Knowing that what I felt wasn't just a dream..kinda gives me confidence. I don't pretend to know what love is. But I know I've experienced it. I don't know if that was the only love I'll ever get, or if someone else will come along and love me. I don't know. I guess all there's left for me to do is wait and see.
and while I'm waiting I have to remember to stay true to myself.
Yesterday, someone told me they thought I was becoming too much like my best friend, Amanda.
After her boyfriend broke up with her the first time (They've broken up and gotten back together a bunch of times since then) she was never herself again. They're back together but she's still not herself. My friend told me that everyone stopped to her and no one really liked her. Which isn't completely true, but she did lose some friends because she became so upset. And my friend told me that I wasn't being myself.
Who is 'myself'?!! I'm just fine most of the time because I don't talk to people about it anymore because everyone's sick of hearing about it. No one really cares anymore they just want me to be happy little Kiera and solve their problems for them and tell them everything will be okay.
I try beyond what I can function to be the best friend and student and performer and whatever else I am that I can be and people tell me I'm spending too much time with Amanda, and I'm being like her, and I'm being over dramatic and that I need to get over it, and that I'll be fine.
They don't know.
They don't know anything.
I guess everything happens for a reason. Yeah.
and some good things have come outta this whole thing.
I met a new friend. Annaaaa:)
She's helped me through it a lot. I'm thankful for that. Because...without her I prolly wouldn't be as better as I am now.
My other friends have  helped me too.
And all my other friends started talking to me more. Probably just cuz they're worried about me.
I swear the day after it happened I got so many hugs I couldn't count.
I remember.
I got to Express..and I just sat down in the corner next to the door cuz Mrs.Peitzman hadn't gotten there yet. and I just sat there. And stared into space. and Nick walked up and goes 'What's wrong with you? Why're you so depressed looking?" And I looked at him like "seriously. Are you an idiot?" because really? Everyone knew. and then Kimmie and Nick and Josh all started singing Can't Touch it in my face and made me laugh. and then made me sing it with them. Then when we got in I laid down on a riser and stared up at the ceiling. You see, usually before express, us being the only 4 freshman in the room, it was crazy town. And we'd run around and laugh and sing and do stupid stuff. But that day...we all sat in silence. Just cuz I'm sad doesn't mean every else had to be. but then they all started tickling me. That made me feel a little bit better. I'm lucky to have friends like that.
And in choir...we were watching hairspray that day. and EVERYONE sat by me. and gave me hugs. and tried to make me laugh. It worked a few times. And then I started banging my head on the riser just..because. and then everyone started freaking out and grabbing me and begging me not to bang my head on the riser. Dang. I mean...I wasn't getting brain damage or anything. But still.
And Kayla made me eat at lunch. MADE me eat. so did Bethany. Cuz I just got a bag of chips and a juice. And I sat there and stared at it. And when I ate a few and said I was full, Bethany looks at me and says "You are not going there. Eat. NOW." And shoves a cheeto in my face. That's a good friend:)
And...last night at the football game.
I dunno it just makes me feel really good when a buncha band people yell "KIERA!" and make me come over and  give them hugs. I like hugs. >.<
And everyone just knows to leave him out of conversation.
And to talk about funny things.
Like bushes. AH. That actually made me laugh. Thank you Kayla;)
And the other day at A plus. I was talking to Ale, and she said something about Linda talking to me and him at the same time. and I just turned beat red. she she like..looked guilty. and I go "well that's ironic" and she laughed and said "I know!" And tried to change the subject.
I have good friends.
I do. I do. I do.
I have a good family.
When my gramma was in the hospital...I was so scared I came downstairs to my mom and just hugged her and cried and said "I'm scared." and so she let me call the hospital and I talked to my grandma. It made me feel a lot better.
The crazy thing about my gramma is that she's always so selfless. She worries about others. Not herself. She told me that she was gonna be just fine and what the doctors said and then goes "Well are you doin' better? You really scared me on monday. I've been praying for you." And I felt really bad. Could you pick a worse time? Really? When I'm at my grandma's house?! I never get to see her and you RUINED my day with her! No. I'm not blaming him. That's rude. I blame myself. I took it way harsh.
I remember that she took us to the dollar store. and I walked in and tried with all my might to STOP. CRYING. but I couldn't. They just kept coming. I did not know it was possible for the human body to produce that much tears in one day. and she bought me a bouncy ball. cuz she said we could get something  but I didn't really care to pick something out so I just grabbed a bouncy ball. I don't know where that ball is still...and the cash register guy looked at me like I was a sick little girl dying of cancer.
I didn't look that bad, did I? I mean..I was only crying. I didn't look that bad...did I? :/
and then my mom came to pick us up from gramma's and the first thing she did was pull me into a  big  hug.
I'm really lucky to have what I have.
Really lucky...

Some of my dad's friends came over to watch the hockey game tonight. I hate it when my dad's friends come over. They always drink. I mean they're not always drunk. But they're not always sober either. My dad always stays pretty sober. He's a good daddy:) but sometimes...my dad's friends aren't as mature. I'm not going to explain that time on the internet. :P

I was gonna write more...but I gotta go clean my room.
Dangitt.

Kiera

A letter to God.

Dear God,

I don't know if you've got time for this, but I wanted to write to you. I would write it out..but my hand would hurt and I wouldn't get to write as much as I want to.
I don't know what I'm supposed to say.
Thank you for showing me you're always listening. I know you are. Even if sometimes I doubt it. I'm gonna go to church more.
God, why won't my parents go to church with me? I know they want me to go to church, and they made me when I was little, but now that I want to go, no one else will. I'm the only one in my family that goes to church. Why won't they go too? Could you show them that you want them to come talk to you?
Could you make mom stop smoking?
Could you make grandma better?
Could you fix everything?
Could you give me a hug?
I have so many questions. I don't mean to be selfish and ask for stuff. I'm thankful for what you've given me. I have a good life. I realize that I won't ever learn if I don't face dark times.
I'm scared.
I know everyone gets scared every now and then.
Everything happens for a reason, right?
Why did all this happen to me at the same time? I don't like it.
I love you, God.

Your friend,

Kiera.

Someday when I stop loving you.

One foot on the bus about half past nine
I knew that you were leaving this time
I thought about laying down in its path
Thinking that you might get off for that
I remember that night we laid in bed
Naming all our kids that we hadn't had yet
One for your grandma and one for mine
Said we'd draw straws when it came time

I'll move on baby just like you
When the desert floods and the grass turns blue
When a sailing ship don't need a moon
It'll break my heart but I'll get through
Someday when I stop loving you

I bet all I had on a thing called love
I guess in the end it wasn't enough
And it's hard to watch you leave right now
I'm gonna have to learn to let you go somehow
Somehow


I'll move on baby just like you
When the desert floods and the grass turns blue
When a sailing ship don't need a moon
It'll break my heart but I'll get through
Someday when I stop loving you
Oh someday someday when I stop
I'll move on baby just like you
When the desert floods and the grass turns blue
When a sailing ship don't need a moon
It'll break my heart but I'll get through
Someday when I stop loving you
Someday when I stop loving you 

I absolutely love that song.
So yesterday wasn't a fun day. I'm hoping today might be better...it's a purple day. Which, if you don't go to my school you have no idea and think I'm crazy and see random colors on random days?
We switch back and forth from Purple days and Gold days (our school colors are purple and gold) and have different classes on purple days and gold days. How I just explained that was super confusing but I'm not even sure if anyone reads this that doesn't go to our school. I think..theres...one person. :P
Anyways.
I'm so tired of hoping for something to happen. I know I shouldn't. I know I should give up, and know that he'll never have feelings for me again. That the day when he stopped loving me was long ago. and that I'm pretty pathetic.
Is it stupid that sometimes, thinking about him makes me smile. Just to remember. and why are those memories so vivid? Why can I remember every heartbeat; every smile? Because I'm a pathetic little teenager I suppose.
and then I get a C on my science test! I CAN'T  GET Cs! I CAN'T!!! I CANT CANT CANT CAAANTTT!!!!!!!!!!!! I. Need. Straight. A's. NEED. Them. Because my parents won't let me be in the musical next year if my grades drop, and they won't let me be in show choir. I. Can't. get. a. C. I CAN'T.
Jeeeezums. I'm way stressed out. At least I remembered my lollipops for play practice today.
YES, sir/ma'am I get to eat lollipops DURING THE MUSICAL. Because I play the role of Penny Lou Pingleton in Hairspray the musical and Mrs.K Said I have to  have either a peice of gum or a lollipop in my mouth AT ALL TIMES. So I brought some lollipops to practice. :P Watermelon and Cherry. Tehe.

-Kiera

Waking up.

Everything's starting to get a little bit better at a time...and I have that stupid dream.
I'm standing in some...doorway. And a billion guys are trying to get into the girl's bathroom (I have NO IDEA WHY) and I'm holding all of them off somehow with my awesome super powers. and he walks up and gives me the puppy dog look and I stare at him for a minute, and then he starts talking to me amidst all these people, taking my hand and asking me to take him back. My stomach is still in knots. Ugh.
Why are all the good dreams bad? That makes no sense. and yet it kinda does...i dunno. Maybe I have lost it. Maybe I'm really going completely insane.
I hate when people tell me "You can't do this to yourself over a boy." What am I doing to myself? Being sad? Hitting myself on solid objects? Not eating as much as I should? I'm not actually hurting myself. I'm still eating. I've only passed out once. and being sad is healthy. You can't be happy all the time and everyone expects me to. So I guess I'm tired of letting people help. Because people may seem like they wanna help, but no one really does. So I guess this whole act I'm putting on is working.
And so the tummy monster that won't let me eat has returned. O.o
Stupid dream.
It's not the dream that I didn't like.
It's the waking up.

-Kiera

I admit it.

I miss you.

-Kiera

I love...

Senses. Smells. Sights. Sounds. Tastes. Feelings.

I love the smell of lemon cleaning solution in the morning, because Mom says she has to clean the house before people come over, or just because she wants to clean. She does that sometimes. Or when she's nervous...she always cleans. I don't like when she's nervous, but I just like the familiar smell.
I love the smell of my grandma's house. Like a home..somewhere that's been lived in for a long time, and yet I could never be afraid there.
I love the smell of the sleeves of my favorite jacket. They smell like home. Sometimes at school, when I'm upset, I'll sit at my desk and bury my head in my jacket. It sounds stupid, but sometimes it actually makes me feel better.
I love the smell of a brand new book. The pages are always crisp, and new and make me hardly able to wait to begin to tear into the pages.
I love the smell of a bonfire in the fall...musky and dark and..somehow happy.
I love the smell of my worn-out baby blanket after my mom's left the windows open for a while. It always smells like..home? I dunno.

I love the sight of the sky on a cloudy day. Especially when the clouds are so big and puffy that it makes me wanna lay my head on one and fall asleep.
I love the sight of freshly cut, green grass. Bright, and perfect. Every little blade of grass exactly the same, and different in a way. Manicured perfectly.
I love the sight of a smile. A real smile. Not one of those smiles that behind it is worries, and hurt, and sometimes a broken heart.
I love the sight of my family in the mornings. We're all completely a mess. Hair twisted and tangled and eyes crusty and half closed from sleep. And yet, we always have something to laugh about in the morning. We always have something to joke around about. Something that always brings a smile to my face.
I love the sight of christmas lights. So many memories come with it. The twinkling white lights that we sat under while tearing open gift after gift on christmas morning year after year.

I love the sound of a page flipping. It somehow reminds me of a new start. Fresh.
I love the sound of the wind. Soft, easy, in a way...reassuring.
I love the sound of laughter. When my dad tackles me to the ground and I can barely breath I'm laughing so hard. Or when my whole family ends up in a dog pile of a little war, and we're all just laughing. Or when I go to the football game with my friends, and we can't stop laughing over something completely ridiculous. Even sometimes the laughter that's fake. The laughter that rings in my ears of someone else behind me. That makes me smile, even though it shouldn't. All kinds of laughter.
I love the sound of a crisp leaf, crunching under my foot in the fall.
The sound of the words 'I love you.' are my favorite. Even if they are a lie. Even if they break me.

I love the taste of my grandma's home made chocolate chip cookies. They're way too flat, and too cheewy, but they're my absolute favorite.
I love the taste of chicken noodle soup on a freezing cold day. The way the hot soup makes my mouth go numb and my fingers sigh in relief as my hands wrap around the steaming hot bowl.
I love the taste of a perfect kiss. Something I will absolutely, never, ever, in all of forever, EVER forget. Probably the most missed, and most memorable memory I have.

I love the feeling standing outside when the wind is blowing, and letting the wind run its fingers through my long brown hair, and staring up at the blue sky without a care in the world, the chilly wind nipping at my rosy cheeks.
I love the feeling of a real hug. Clinging onto someone and not having to let go. Just hugging someone and knowing it was okay. and burying my head in their shoulder and crying, and having them hold me and tell me it'd be alright. That I'd be okay.
I love the feeling of my heart shooting straight up in my chest, and everything in my body...singing. Singing with this wonderful, perfect feeling of happiness.
I love the feeling of looking at someone and not wanting to look away. and holding onto them, feeling that their heartbeat isn't normal. And you know they can feel yours isn't either.
I love the feeling of being in love.

Even if one day the other doesn't feel the same.
Even if these senses don't always last forever.
Even if someday, you might just lose them.

I still love them all the same. With all my heart.
They aren't things I've trained myself to love.
It just happens.
It's not controllable.
I just knew the first time I experienced them...
That I loved them.

I love them.

-Kiera

You don't know me.

You don't know me.
4 words that confuse the heck outta me.
My head is...swimming.
Everyone keeps  saying that "people change. You can't focus on who he was. You gotta focus on who he is now."
It's not like he's changed his name and moved to Siberia. 
Things do change, but people are still themselves. People may be different, but somewhere they're still themselves. I may not seem like myself lately. It's because I'm scared. I'm even more scared that I was was before, because I'm scared I'll never be happy like I was again. I'll never get those little...heart butterflies. I want swarms of beautiful, bright orange monarch butterflies to take off in my stomach and reach my heart and make me feel like I can fly again.
I wanna wake up and know somebody cares.
I want a real hug.
I want to be able to trust.
I just don't know.
The other day in english some kid looked at me and says 'hey are you going out with that one kid?' and I could feel my whole body stiffen and my cheeks go aflame as I said 'I'm not going out with anyone.' and looked back to my desk.
'Well who were you going out with?' He'd pressed. This bothered me. It was none of his business whom I had dated, and honestly, I didn't know if I could push the name through my lips without bursting into tears in the middle of Communication Skills 1.
After muttering the name, of course I thought he'd leave me alone, but he looks at me again.
"Why aren't you going out anymore?"
I shrug, trying to look casual, but knowing my face was beat red and my my hands were shaking a little.
"I dunno. Ask him." I muttered. "He broke up with me."
and then I turned away.
I dunno why i described that but that kinda just...ruined my day. Then in 3rd hour, Ac lab, the girl sitting next to me goes...
"So how're you doing with the whole Jake thing?"
I barely even know her.
I just stuck my hand out and made the 'ehh...ok...' sign. Then. She says.
"Does he hate you?"
I like...froze. Who asks a question like that? seriously?
"I dunno. He acts like he does."
"Oh. That sucks."
And then my attention was shifted to the pages of my book. But really, I was pretty much thinking. Thinking isn't good for me lately. Which is why I can't wait to be busy with the musical and show choir and just...let go. And then I don't wanna let go.
Everyone figures I'm over it by now. I'm fine until someone mentions his name. My best friends know better than to do that. But yesterday at the lunch table, we were talking about something that just made me laugh until I wanted to pee myself.  I think it was bush taming.
AHA. You do NOT wanna know. I promise you.
and then Kayla mentions something about him and I just stopped laughing. and turned red. again.
I'm so tired of it.
Why can't I just talk about him like we're best friends or something?
I'd rather it be that way than this.
and the fact that I used to tell him everything...and now I can't tell him anything? Because he pretty much hates my guts and wouldn't care if I hung myself in my closet tonight. PSh. who am I kidding. There's not enough room in my closet to hang myself. And I don't have any ropes. and I would never hang myself. If I ever killed myself (which I would never do) I would jump off of something reallyyy high. Because I'd get the adrenaline rush of falling and then die in a mere second. and I'd finally be able to fly.
But people who kill themselves go to hell, so that's outta the picture.
Now some other guy likes me. and I kinda feel bad. Because I'm an idiot and still have feelings for the guy that promised me forever and then went and dumped me over a text message.
And I just realized. It's october. In 6 days it'll have been a month since it happened and I'm STILL crying myself to sleep every night and imagining scenarios that I wish with all my might would come true?
I just wanna fix it. I wanna talk to him, and fix it, but he won't let me. He doesn't wanna talk to me. He doesn't wanna talk about it. He doesn't like me, doesn't love me, and now I'm started to doubt he ever did. and I really never thought I would say that.
He's right.
I don't know him anymore...
I guess he doesn't know me either.

-Kiera

I lose.

Please...why do you gotta give up on me like this? I hate it. I HATE IT! All I wanna hear is 'I'm sorry, I love you.' But I'm pretty sure I'm never getting that. I feel like I'm waiting for nothing. and I don't wanna hurt someone else in the process. I'm already hurt...I can't bring other people into it. I just wish I could go back and fix everything. I wanna get another chance. I wanna be happy again. Cuz this just isn't fair.
What did I do wrong?
Why weren't you happy?
Why do you hate me?
Why did you lie to me?
Why can't you love me like you said you always would? Like you promised. Like you made me believe.
Now when someone else has feelings for me, I lose. I lose I lose I lose I LOSE.

Long time no blog?

I miss pouring my heart into my keyboard. >.< Actually I can't do that on this one, really. Idk if people even read it. But..yeah.
So my internet has been gone for about 2 weeks now. Yeah, bad time to go away, internet. Bad time. but now its back and it pretty much made my day.
The past three weeks of my life have been the longest I have ever lived through. Literally. I feel like it's been 3 years. And  yet, I can remember that friday night movie like it was yesterday. and it was...3 weeks and...4 days ago. Yeah. I'm really stupid for remembering that.
I'm strange in that way.
I'm strange in every way.
I just wish...
I wish a lotta things.
That things didn't have to change like that.
You know how many scenarios I've made up in my head?
How many times I've fallen asleep imagining that they happened? and everything's okay?
a lot. A. Lot.
I try to make it seem like I'm fine.
I dunno if it's believable or not.
But whatever.

I like the way it hurts?

I guess...people really do change. I don't know what was holding me back, but I thought maybe things were gonna alla sudden go back to when they were perfect some day...and everything would be good again. But I don't see that day happening. He hates me. It's clear as day. I don't know what I did to make him feel that way, but apparently he does. and I'm kind of afraid that this 'eating disorder' i got going on...yeah its getting worse. And today he told me off for saying melon. Okay, so he pretty much is an EXPERT at pissing me off. And he pretty much is an EXPERT at making me burst into tears in front of people I don't want to burst into tears in front of. The hell with that.
I haven't written in a while because our internet is out. My dad couldn't pay the bill...yes, money is really tough right now. :s I'm scared. Everything's going wrong. I can have ONE good day where I'm finally a little bit slightly happy. and he ruins it and tells me off for saying melon. Saying that I'll never be as awesome and cool as one of my best friends. That makes me feel fantastic! Thanks! If I'm dead tomorrow THANK YOURSELF!
I'm not suicidal. but...I wouldn't object to a homocide right about now. COME ON MURDERERS! BRING IT!
...
O.o
Yeah. so I'm babysitting right now. This keyboard is pretty awesome to type on. Ah. Why is that absolutely everything makes me think of him? The other day someone said something about a duck, and it made me think of him! A DUCK! WTHECK!?!?!?!?
...
*sigh*
I just don't know anymore. Everythings gone blank. I dunno what I'm doing, what I'm gonna do, where I'm going...it's just..scary. I wanna go BACK. Because...I miss everything. Okay, I admitted it, SHOOT ME. Yes, I miss..yeah. I can't even say the whole sentence outloud because I sound ABSOLUTELY PATHETIC.
So when is this going to end? I hate it. I'm going to DIE on show choir trips. It just..I hate it! I HATE IT!! I can't TAKE it anymore!
Apparently my feelings matter nothing to him. If I killed myself, right here, right now, he'd prolly laugh. HAHA! KIERAS DEAD! YAAAYY!!! I AM REJOICING!!!
...
Psh. Whatever makes him happy.
Again.
I'm not suicidal.

-Kiera

Prayer request!! O.O

Gosh I'm SO. Scared. It's not even funny. My gramma is really sick...I feel so scared and alone and...I just wanna really BIG HUG. I just...I don't want anything to happen to her. I love my gramma..I love her. Dear God please...please just..let her be okay. Let her get back to health and be okay again...I don't want her to go anywhere, God. I don't want  her to. Please don't take her...please don't take her, God. I'll do anything just to keep her here with us. I'll be happy! I'll stop hitting myself with solid objects! I'll pray more! I'll do anything! Ever since I was ten years old I've been afraid of gramma getting sick like people do with age...not now. I'm not. ready.
Please.
Just let me be okay.
Let everything be okay...
Help me.
AHH.
As you can tell, I'm a little worried. A LOT worried. I've never been so stressed and scared in my entire life! This is just...not my month. Idk. Today was an okay day but...dang I'm freaking out!
Just...
if anyone's reading this...pray for my grandma. Pat House. Pray for her...please. I'd really love that.
Thanks...

-Kiera

Love never fails.

I'm really scared. My grandma apparently isn't doing so good and probably has to get her heart shocked today. Why is it that everything seems to go wrong at the same time? A month ago, things were pretty friggin peachy-keen. Now I'd do anything to get that back. Almost. I'm just tired of this..everything. of everyone telling me what I can and can't do. Of crying myself to sleep everynight because I can't get everything off my mind. Of being scared of everything! Now that he's gone I feel...exposed? And unsafe. I've already said that but...yeah. Mom says I just need to focus on school and show choir and the musical and stuff. I guess she's right. and I try to do that but it's...kinda hard while I've got so many other things swirling amongst my brain at the moment. I just...wish someone would really be there for me. Most everyone assumes after a week, I'm over it. Sure it's less...more like I'm numb now. Whatever. I don't care. Who am I kidding? Yes I do. I care. More than almost anything...almost.
I went to church last night. I almost didn't go cuz Dad didn't wanna take me(the football game was on. What a stupid excuse right? Church is WAY more important than some idiotic guys running around in tights throwing a ball across a field through little fork things. PAHA! Sorry, that was mean) and so I marched myself down to the  neighbors where my dad was watching that football game and angrily begged him to bring me to church.
So my mom took me. I'm really glad I went. I just kinda zoned out and stopped thinking during mass and it made me feel better. At steubenville, they told us that when we were scared, to just ask God to hold us. I've been doing that to help me fall asleep at night. I always works. It makes me feel a lot safer to know I've got God with me, and my faith is pretty strong. Even if things sometimes seem...unbelievable. Unrealistic.
I'll be okay.
What kinda scares me is that fact that...I don't care being alone anymore. I'll walk through a cemetery and not even flinch because..honestly...I don't care as much what happens to me now. I know that sounds bad...but its true. I hate feeling like this. I feel sick all the time, and I can't stand weekends cuz I've got nothing to do unless my parents are nice and let me have a friend over. Urrg.
I just didn't think he was like that...ya know? Like every other girl who goes through a breakup, I'm gonna say this. I thought he was different. Different. Last Friday night we went and saw a movie, and it was absolutely perfect...then monday...everything for 5 months is gone? Does it mean nothing to you? Because it means something to me. and I don't care if you don't give a diced melon about me anymore...(why am I talking in 2nd person?)
My mom (yeah, my mom is attempting to give me a lot of advice) says that it was 'ignorant of him' to treat me like that friday and then break up with me monday. And that she's mad at him. PAh. I love my mom, but being mad at him sure as hell doesn't fix it. But I know nothing can fix it...except time, really. I just..can't believe I was stupid enough to believe everything. To think that we'd be together forever?
Even when we began the relationship in late march I remember telling myself, "You're not gonna move too fast, and don't go believing what he says, because they never mean it and if you believe him you'll be more heartbroken when he ends it."
Psh. LOOK WHO WAS RIGHT?!
Don't believe them because they never mean it.
I didn't say "I love you" until I meant it. Wheras he said it within the first day. There's no way he meant it. No dump trucking way. He just...told me that? What kind of a person...who...why in the heck would someone lie about all that for 5 months? Sure, maybe he didn't think he was lying at the time.
But love never fails.
It's in the BIBLE!
Love never fails...
Guess what happened?
FAIL!
So I guess he never loved me. Not really. Maybe it was a teeny glimpse of what love feels like. Sure, it felt like I was gettin' the whole cake thrown right at me, and I was absolutely insanely happy with that.
But it wasn't. It was just a little peice of cupid's little red-velvet cake one calls love (that metaphor sounded retarded!) and I've just gotta wait until I'm ready for more. Even if it's not the same cake. Different cakes are nice too...thing is I don't want another cake. I liked that cake. It was my favorite. I didn't even get the chance to finish it...

Save me

So I just found out my grandma is in the hospital. I'm scared out of my mind. The last time I saw her was last weekend and I ruined it because I couldn't stop dang CRYING. and now I'm scared. scared. scared. and yeah...so I honestly don't know what to do. Is everything going wrong at the same time for some reason? Does God want me to suffer? Am I being punished? I dunno..I know God is all-forgiving and doesn't do such deeds but...I'm scared. I just want..everything to be okay again. I can't believe I was so overdramatic a week ago worrying about what might happen. Maybe if I hadn't been so worried, it wouldn't have happened and...things would be a whole lot easier. I wish things were a whole lot easier. I always say everything happens for a reason. But the worst part about that is sometimes you don't know that reason. Ever. and I'm afraid I'm just gonna be sitting here waiting to find out the reason forever.
Every night before I fall asleep, I see everything. I see...my past..my present, my future. And it all seems so..vague. Before..I knew my future. I knew what I was going to do, and I knew what made me happy. But it's different when what makes you happy doesn't want that anymore. I just think...what am I now? What do people think of me when I walk down the hall, clutching my books to my chest like a lost little girl? When I sit on the risers in choir in a little ball, hoping no one will notice the smile isn't real. Hoping no one will notice what I really feel. Okay, that was not supposed to rhyme. I feel cool. >.<
Anyways.
Yeah, I don't like being hurt. But I guess I'll just have to live with this feeling. Today my friend told me 'life is like a roller coaster. So just sit back and don't fall out.'
And I thought...I'm already falling. Nothing makes sense, my heads spinning, my heart won't stop racing and my eyes are always blurred. I can't see where I'm going. I don't know if I'm going to hit the cold ground or if someone's gonna catch me. But how can someone catch me? It's a long fall...and I might just hurt them too. There's not enough time for a net. I'm gonna crash.
I'm never gonna be able to ride a roller coaster again. My metaphors are quite confusing.
A quote from my favorite movie Titanic.
"I feel as if I'm in the middle of a crowded room, screaming at the top of my lungs and no one even looks up!"
No one even looks up.

Reasons.

JEEZ. I've never felt such a strong urge to talk to one person in my entire life.But. I. CAN'T. RAHHH!!! I wanna bang my head on things.
I ate today. Aren't you proud of me? :P
But now I feel sick:(
Urgg...
So my pawpaw just took us out for pizza. and..yeah. I think he thinks I'm starving myself. Whatever. I'm not. Aw man..I'm gonna puke! What is wrong with my stomach?! AHH!!
I'm totally confused. I just..wish I could rewind. I've said that a million times before. but..whatever. I know I shouldn't have any regrets. I don't...I just wish I wouldn'tve been so...bitchy. ya know? AHH. Cuz..I feel like it's my fault. I'm such an idiot. This is why I have caused myself to pass out from hitting myself with things. Tehe:P
Well...AHH! STOP IT TUMMY! SHUT UP!! IM NOT FEEDING YOU!!!! ILL JUST THROW UP!
Raah.
So...
yeah...
um...
What now?
I've been dying to write to my blog and now I have like..nothing to say. Except I'm all depressed again and I was just fine before...Idk. I know there's only 2 things that make me happy and I'm not gonna write them on this blog. just cuz it'll sound insanely pathetic. :P It's nothing bad though. I'll just say one of em' is music:) MUSICC! Imma listen to some now. WAHH. Imma freak. :P

So...I know what I'll talk about. Today is 9/11. So..yeah itis a very sad day...I remember when this happened, I was in kindergarten. and I went over to my grandma's house, and watched the news...I was confused. We didn't know anyone that was really effected by it, not that I know of at least. But it's really sad that someone would do that and take so many lives away. Innocent people...but I suppose, as I've said many times, everything happens for a reason. I guess God was ready to take them into his kingdom:) Well...those people are in my prayers. God never hands someone something they can't handle. It must've been hard for those people's families...but God wouldn't take them for no reason. Bad things happen for good reasons...I guess I should listen to my own advice. Bad things happen for good reasons...I wanna know that good reason...

-Kiera

Just a Dream?

You know what's the most refreshing thing everr?! To run outside and find an open area where no one goes...like by my pond at the front of my neighborhood, and run around singing and dancing. It pretty much reminds me of being in a music video..or...flying. I dunno.
You know..I really don't know what the heck to write! I kinda wanna write a story..
Onto that!
But...that goes in my other blog. so I'll do that after I'm finished with this one.
Have you ever thought 'am I really here right now? What if I'm dreaming my whole life and I'm gonna wake up as a 5 year old?'
That'd be strange. Dissapointing enough, I dreamt about someone last night and woke up shaking. How messed up is that? Whatever. I'm fine. O.o
Well yeah. So...doesn't that make you curious? Or like..what would like be life if I never existed? Would anyone miss out on anything they would miss? I dunno. I kinda wish I could like...see what people would do if I died. Just...to see. I dunno. I keep sayin' that. I dunno about ANYTHING anymore. Do people purposely try and confuse me?
I wish that I could play the piano. I can part of one song, and I totally get into it and I'm like yeahh...I'm makin' pretty moooosic! and then...I don't know the rest. It's pretty pathetic. :P
Well..yeah. Imma go to my friends house...
Girls night.
Hopefully it'll help.
I was told the best way to get over heartbreak is to spend time with girlfriends. :)

-Kiera

You've already had the best days of your life!

I can't pretend like it doesn't hurt anymore...neither can I pretend that my heart STOPS when I see him in the hallway. But you know...I'm feeling a lot better. My friend Corynne took me out for ice cream today, and we listened to this song in the car. and it's pretty much my theme song that makes me feel happy again.
The Best Days of your Life Kellie Pickler. It makes me wanna go..hurt someone. And be happy about hurting someone. :P Cuz I'm gonna be just. fine. Sure, it still hurts. I don't think I'll ever be able to talk to him like before. He thinks we can just go back 5 months 6 days, he's wrong. He chose to lie to me..and to hurt me like he did. and then act like nothing happened. That does NOT go down with me. and if you watch the music video to that song, the guy gets hit by a BUS at the end! It's like...YES!! BURRRNNN!!! TAKE THAT!! YEAH!! YOU GET HIT BY A BUS!! :P I'm kind of in rare good mood right now. I'm still not eating...but...I'll get better. I got my friends and my family.
So I'm still a mess. and I will be. for quite a while. but...at least now I know that I'm gonna be okay. Eventually. It feels slightly better.
Slightly...

Empty?

so now I'm starting to scare myself. I know I'm hungry. My stomach won't stop growling and I've lost 5 pounds already. but I don't wanna eat for some reason. I have this poptart sitting in front of me and it makes me feel sick just looking at it. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I honestly don't have any idea what to do. I'm gettin those weird shudder things again. I'm freezing...and I have trouble breathing..and I start  hyperventilating. I don't know what's wrong. What's WRONG?! and now we're having money problems. and I'm scared. Usually...when stuff like this happens I go to him and It's just fine because he..makes it seem better. But I can't even look at him. Everything hurts. and now my stomach hurts cuz I can't eat. I might as well try...well...my friend is taking me out for ice cream after school today. :) That'll make me feel better hopefully. I just feel like today is going to be absolutely horrible.
Yesterday we're sitting at the back to school bash thing and I was having a total blast...things were OFF my mind and I was doing absolutely fine. and then we're joking around about the fake bruises that the drama club gave us (stage makeup-which, I have to say looked totally real. I looked like an abused child) and my friend blurts of 'Well you can always blame your ex!'
SERIOUSLY?!
Who. says. that?
I guess she does! Then my face fell and it hurt to smile again because I started focusing on my friends and their boyfriends. Then my friend sitting next to me gave my other friend a DEATH stare because I couldn't really talk anymore. and I hate that word. 'ex'. No. I'm not going there. I'm not even saying that word.
I want to fix things. I want...I'm not even gonna say it. cuz I sound pathetic. Completely. okay...so it was very first relationship and 'nothing lasts forever'. You know...I was stupid to believe that wasn't true.
Forget this food.
I gotta brush my teeth.

-Kiera

Stupid fate.

I love my friends...I would seriously be hanging upside down from a light post or something if I didn't have my friends. My family helps too but..yeah. Today was a little better. I'm going to some back to school bash tonight...I dunno. I hope it'll be fun. I hope I hope I HOPE. Gahh.
My room is a mess and I can't pick it up or I will...find things...that will not make me happy. Cuz I kinda had a tantrum the other day and threw a picture across the room and screamed at it and then had a breakdown on my bed. Wow.
Whatever.
I'll be fine.
Eventually. I guess it's starting to get a little better. I haven't cried today yet. Okay so...almost. It was very close. RAAAHH.
You know what bothers me? When people tell me it's fine and I need to get over it. I've prolly already said this before but Imma say it again.
URGGG!!! I can't just 'Get over' it. It just DOESN'T happen that way! and then today..my friend's talking to me and goes 'so..who do you like?' and I stare at her like...seriously? You think I get over things that fast? Yeah...but...yeah. Everything happens for a reason. I just gotta. keep. telling myself that. It happens for a reason...a reason...
What's the reason? I don't even know. People ask what happened. I just...mutter..'he broke up with me.' and they go 'why' and I usually just shrug and say 'I dunno. He wasn't happy.' I hate when people ask that. I hate it. Why? Why why why why? WHY? Well...because I guess that's just what fate had in store for me. Psh, yeah I don't like it. At all. but I can't change it. and it won't change. so I just have to try and move on. cuz otherwise it's just gonna keep hurting.
Wow. and I thought I was getting better. A single picture makes me start hyperventilating. That's not right. And then just now, I tried eating food. Well...mike and ikes. it makes me feel sick! I didn't even finish my bag of chips at lunch today. I did down my apple juice tho. Apple juice is good...haha:P
Well...my stomach's hurting again.
Imma go lay down...

-Kiera

Crossies...

Aaand there we have it. The SECOND worst day of my life. Every single hour..I sat there and tried not to cry. For. 8. Hours. and then an hour on the bus. 9 hours. But...the crying did happen on the bus. I swear. Am I pathetic or what? I'm the one that sits around hitting herself and wishing someone would just kill her while he's all..smiley and...sigh.
Why does my life have to suck? Everyone is giving me hugs and telling me it'll be alright...and...my 'friend' asked me what was wrong in ac lab today. I told  her my boyfriend broke up with me and she said 'oh, who?' and..I just...stared? I have no idea why..but..I could not say his name. What. is. wrong. with. me? And why does everyone have to lie to me? I thought everything was gonna be okay when he came along. but now..stuff sucks again. I'm worried about...everything and...now that I have no one to keep my mind off everything...
Ah. Imma be worrying about..money issues and...other stuff again. Stuff I KNOW I shouldn't be worrying about. I'm just a pathetic person. Forget it.
We sang Can't touch it from Sex in the City 2 in Express. Haha. I really wanted to put Express in italics. anyways. We sang that today and..I totally got into it because...idk...I was really getting mad. and...then in choir i laid down and hit my head on the floor multiple times. now I have bruises on my forehead. YAY!!
.
.
.

I hate. When people. ask me. What's. Wrong.
Everytime someone said that I told them to ask someone who was sitting near me. Unless someone wasn't and I had to tell them myself. And then my friend Kimmie...told me I'm not allowed to look at a picture of him. She made me promise that I wouldn't look at any pictures.
I was crossing my fingers.

Tangled

All I know is that it still hurts like crap. I woke up wishing it all was just a dream. But I know it's not...I know it's all real...but it makes it 10x worse when I have a dream that he wants me again...and then I wake up to find he doesn't. It hurts so bad...It hurts so...bad. So I wake up in the morning after a day of crying...and cry. It makes no sense. Okay, so I suppose it makes sense. It's never gonna be the same. I'm never gonna be same. I guess I'm just gonna have to be strong. I just wish I could go back in time to fix things! He's telling everyone I wasn't FREAKING HAPPY! That's. not. true. Towards the end, I had emotional breakdowns but there's reasons for those emotional breakdowns that don't relate to him and now...now I don't have him to make me feel better and hold me and tell me it's gonna be okay...I feel...exposed. Like..some random mass murderer is gonna come in my house and kill me and no one would care. No one would even notice. I sure wouldn't care. Come, mass murderer. I wanna escape. I've got friends that care about me and a family that knows I'm hurting but no matter how hard they try it doesn't get better. I've still lost him, and I'm still a wreck. because I was foolish enough to believe all those lies. I guess they might've not been lies at the time. And you know...I even told myself not to believe them. That he'd break those promises one day, it was impossible not to. There's no way one person could want to be with me like that. I'm not perfect either. Psh. Everyone knows that. I hate it when I'm upset and people tell me I'm talented..I know they're trying to make it feel better...but...I don't care what any other guy thinks of me..I care what he thinks. and I can't rewind 5 months, 6 days of my life like nothing happened. because something did happened. something...extraordinary and perfect and...amazing and..now it's all over! Now I'm just a broken, tangled MESS.
Let's just see how strong I can be.
and hearing those stupid love songs makes it a million times worse. Because those used to be the songs I'd smile and be happy and...I'd sing along and understand them. Now it just stings. I don't even care anymore. About anything. I just...I just know I lost.

Impossible

This cannot...be...happening...but it is. Wow. Yes, he broke up with me, and yes, I am a 100% complete mess. I've never cried so much in my life. You know, you think after crying for several hours, your body would run out of tears or something but nope. They just KEEP coming. Leaving me with a MASSIVE headache and a soaked t-shirt. and I actually thought about..hurting myself...today. I hate it. I hate it so much. I really thought...I really thought he meant it. I thought it was forever. I thought he loved me I thought...so much. And it was all LIES and now he's just gonna leave me SITTING HERE CRYING AND ACTING LIKE 5 MONTHS OF MY LIFE MEANT ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AND IT CAN'T JUST GO BACK TO NORMAL BECAUSE IM NOT MYSELF ANYMORE AND HE DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT!
AAAHH!!!!!!
Everyone keeps asking me if I'm okay.
I'm not okay.
I'm not even remotely CLOSE to okay.
I can't eat. Or sleep. Or do anything..but cry...and stare at pictures and cry...and remember things and CRY. and CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRYYY!!!!!!
Honestly. Did 5 months and...6 days mean absolutely nothing. That you think you can just go back to 5 months and 6 days ago like nothing happened. Like...you never told me..all those...AHH!!! DOUCHE BAG DOUCHE BAG DOUCHE BAG DOUCHE BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG!!!!!!!!!!!! So guess what? Idc WHO is reading this...and WHAT they now think of me but...
So...he won. Now I'm...now I'm...wishing I was DEAD.
I wish I was dead...

-Kiera

Do you Love me so?

So I wrote this really depressing, yet somehow deep song. But..it's not supposed to be sad...i mean it is kinda but it's kinda saying that...said person loves someone with all their heart but their not sure if said person loves them back. and their scared. but their not gonna give up. yeah. so...Yeah. I'll post a video of it eventually...i think the tune is pretty...Here goes nothing...

I stare at your photograph
Why does it hurt so bad?
A tangled web of lies
Boy, you broke me blind
and I'd do anything
to fix my broken wing
Nothing seems right
about this dazed and fractured flight...

Chorus:
But I fly
Broken and confused
I will try
to make things right with you
but know I'm not invincible
and though this love's incredible
Baby, I wanna know
Do you love me so?

So every night my heart is astray
So I fold my hands and start to pray
To my lord
Who made me soar...

Repeat Chorus

Now I know.
Now I know.
Do I know?
Don't let me go...!

Repeat chorus

I wanna know...
But now I know...
I hope you know.

That I love you so...

Ohmygoodness! I'm so excited that I just did that...I wanna like record it now. >.< I just made up the last half off the toppa my head. EEHEEE.

Change hurts.

I'm so tired...of wanting to cry every 5 minutes. I don't even know why. so yes, I'm overemotional but I don't MAKE myself cry! It just..happens! URG!!! I'm just a weirdo. Everyone already knows that. But I wanna be special...I wanna mean something...ahh. My heart keeps doing some weird thing..and it doesn't feel good. *Sigh*.
Just. SIGH.
I guess I'm just gonna have to deal with the fact that it's not last year. We're in high school now and I guess things change. I don't like change. Not this kind, anyways. It hurts. I'm just not gonna try anymore. Because no matter how hard I try...things'll be great again for a day or two and then...i dunno what's going on. But I can live with that. He's worth it.

Bro/ken

I really don't know what I feel right now.This weird whirlpool of emotions that really just hurts. A lot. But Imma just have to live with it cuz I really don't think it's gonna change anytime soon. and I know it's not just me because last night I felt like I was having a heart attack. I still have no idea what it was but I couldn't. Breathe. Literally. I don't know...I was hyperventilating, and my heartbeat was like...off the charts and I was FREEZING cold. I feel like such. A. Bitch. I know...I just said bitch. ohh no...kill me now because it'd be okay with me.
I can't eat. I can't sleep without having a nightmare...I wanna go back in time! I wanna fix things, I wanna make them better again, I wanna lay down and cry all day but I can't! and I hate this feeling! I hate it! Nobody cares. and I've never been so..scared. Ever. I was shaking..and I couldn't make it stop. and my body's still bein all weird. Everything was so perfect and now..it just feels messed up and I don't know what to do. I can't make it better. I just miss...everything. I miss him. So much...and everything...the memories hurt because I feel like there's never gonna be another of those perfect. memories. I know nothing and no one is perfect. But things were close enough! I want them back...I want him back! Why do I feel like I've lost him? I can't..I can't...I just can't! Ever since I've been with him..I've been so happy...everyone could tell too! Because I'd tell my best friends what was wrong and they freak out. Cuz they know that he makes me happy..but right now I'm not. and I know what emo people feel like. but I'm not emo. Everything hurts. Why? why can't we just rewind to...2 month ago..or..2 days ago? I people were right? Nothing can last forever? Is that true? Cuz I really..I really don't want it to be true. I don't want everything said..to be lies. I hate this. I want everything to be better. I want him to hold me and tell me its gonna be okay. But I don't think that's gonna happen i guess I've just gotta be strong. I may be being way overdramatic. but I can't just bottle it up. I don't know what the hell to do. I just...wanna be loved again. and I'm not. I guess I kinda feel broken. Broken.

Seriously?!

So I'm really just kinda..pissed right now. URGG. I'm totally bipolar. Everything is finally better again..he's all sweet and its just perfect again and I'm SO happy...and then...after my 3 or 4 days of bliss he goes back to whoever the hell that person was last week and before. I'm so. tired of it. I don't wanna be walked all over and I'm pretty sure he's KNOWS he's hurting me but he doesn't exactly give a llamas rear end. And if he does...I'd greatly appreciate it if he would maybe...if he would try and treat me better. because he acted sorry...and...AHH!! I WANNA SCREAM AND CRY INTO A PILLOW AND RIP MY HAIR OUT AND STAB MYSELF WITH A SHARP KNIFE!!! I WANNA DO IT! NOW!!! GOODBYE BLOGGER!!!

RAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Kiera

Never alone

 I just completely fell in love with song:) AHH!! It's just...AH! I can totally relate...it's kinda perfect for me...and how I feel about..a certain someone. :D

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when its time to go home
May you always have plenty
The glass never empty
Know in your belly
You're never alone

May your tears come from laughing
You find friends worth having
With every year passing
They mean more than gold
May you win but stay humble
Smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble
You're never alone

Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone

well
I have to be honest
As much as I wanted
I'm not gonna promise that the cold winds won't blow
So when hard times have found you
And your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone






Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when its time to go home
And when hard times have found you
And your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone

Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone 

My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone

 And to anyone out there....just remember..you're never alone:)


-Kiera

Good Morning Baltimore!

Well, I don't live in Baltimore, but I think you may get the point. My high school is doing the musical Hairspray this year and I am suuuuper psyched for it! I wanna try out for Tracy and Penny...although I doubt I'll get either part. I'm a not-so-talented freshman that short...and not as fat as Tracy's character should be...prolly not tall enough for Penny. I'm just hoping for a main character. I'll be happy with whomever I get cast as, even if it just (which is most likely will be) just chorus. It'll be fun:)
So you know the whole bus dilemma? Yeah...I gotta ride a bus this morning. And its raining and I have to walk to the bus stop. So..I think my dad's gonna drive me up there. I really hate being the only one up every morning. It's just...depressing. I wish I could get up at 6 and be fine. But the bus picks me up at 6:30...so I must get up at 5:30...or I will be half asleep and look like crap all day...I look like crap anyways. Bleh:/
So...yeahh....I got bored waiting for my dad and decided to write a blog! It's so early...my siblings get to wake up at 7 and me? I get to wake up at 5:30. I honestly don't think that's very fair. I should make them get upat 5:30 and stare at the wall until its 7 and time for them to get ready! No..I'm not THAT cruel. Or..am I?

So today was a relatively good day, my dear blogger franns. ;P We have to memorize some weird monologue in my Theatre 1 class. I do love that class though. We had to do some game where we had to have a conversation with someone, but we could only yell. and...some kid and me really got into it because we were talking about how our football team (my schools...I do NOT play football. PAHAHA) lost the first game and It was:
guy:SO WE LOST THE GAME FRIDAY!
Me:YEAH THAT REALLY SUCKS!!
guy:YEAH WE LOST CUZ YOU WERE THERE!
Me: YES I WAS!
guy:YEAH!
Me: SO WE LOST CUZ I WAS THERE?!
Guy: YEAH CUZ YOU MADE US LOSE!
Me: THAT'S SO RUDE! I DON'T LIKE YOU!
Guy: I DON'T LIKE YOU EITHER!
Me: I DON'T LIKE YOU GO JUMP DOWN A WELL!

Teacher: okay!! I think we're done! You guys can sit down now!

PAHA!! Awesomeness. :P I love acting. funfun:) I'm a little overdramatic with some things..but yeah. and then she started makin' funna how Troy and Gabriella didn't act like the real troy and gabriella in hsm (our school play that I was Gabriella in) and apparently our acting wasn't believable. I don't think she realized that I played Gabriella...That's just insulting.
I didn't say anything though...

So yeah. Apparently I have to ride a bus now..and I'm reallyyyy...MAD about it. I had to ride the bus last year, and at first I had friends, but they all moved, so after a while, I was completely alone, and because I was so vulnerable and lonely and shy...(yes, believe it or not, I can be SHY *gasp* I KNOW RIGHT?!) they thought it'd be funny to make fun of me. You know...music is a passion of mine..so sometimes I'd sit there and absentmindedly start singing..and then they started making fun of me..so I'd sit there and try not to cry while I stared at my phone..which most of the time made me sick because I can't read things in moving vehicles. and I don't have an ipod or an mp3 player..or anything so..yeah I was pretty much screwed. and so this year, I Wasn't going to have to, cuz apparently I live too close to be bussed, so my dad tried to find a car and I was all happy cuz i didn't have to get made fun of anymore and i got to see my friends in the morning and it was all happy peachy keen. Guess what? My...(I'm just not gonna write the words that I want to write right now...) parents decided that it'd be so much easier if they'd call the school and make me ride a bus. I even told them how much the bus tortured me..and I'll have sit on that big yellow torture chamber for an HOUR. All. Alone. and so yeah...I guess that's what I get. URG. I get so tired of it. I don't know why I let people just walk all over me. I know I shouldn't..but when people hurt me I just...don't know what to do. Unless I like...know them. Like if they're a friend of something. Then I can tell them off. but..if its like some stranger that I don't really know...I just LET them...and I'm so stupid for doing it but...I just got used to it I guess. When I was little people always used to make fun of me and honestly I didn't really realize that they were making fun of me and trying to hurt my feelings. I thought they were laughing with me. but now I look back and turn beat red cuz I'm so embarrassed...which is one of the many reasons I am very glad I changed schools. I love my life now. A whole lot better than at private school...with the ugly plaid skirts and the button up shirts...where they gave you detention if you didn't have your shirt tucked in and at least two buttons all the way up...and your skirt had to be knee length. Ugh. and those things were..so..hideos. and then..from kindergarten to 4th grade..I had to wear a JUMPER to school. Do you know what that is? This weird little dress thing...that looks so messed up. But I had to wear them. and..urg. I'm so glad I'm where I am now. It makes it a whole lot easier on the whole high school thing. I hope high school is a breeze like parents make it seem. at least my parents. A lotta...older..people do. RAHH.
So yeah. I have show choir tonight. 7 to 8. We have no music. so...we're gonna exercise. And...it's not a good time of the month for me to be exercising right now...O.o URGITFLABBINSHOOT! I dunno what that was. My expressing my exhaustion and wish for music...

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THE BACKYARDIGANS?!
They're fun.
"Now it's time for us to have a snack, meet you next time wheeeeennn...weee''re....baaaack (With your friends the backyaaaardigans!!!)" I LOVE IT!
My 4 year old brother sings along to one of the songs and it's hilarious.
"What do you do with a scurvy pirate, what do you do with a scurvy pirate, what do you do with a scurvy pirate, make him walk the plank." and he does the funny pirate thing with his arm..SO cute. I love little kids...but they make me wanna tear my hair out sometimes. Especially my siblings. but ya gotta love em'. But GOSH! My 10 year old sister...ahhh. She wants to be 'just like Kiera'. and she'll follow my friends and me around and make me SO MAD. and then...she'll always ask to borrow my clothes...idk how they fit her cuz I'm way bigger than her but..O.o and then...she always asks me awkward question like 'what does disco stick mean, Kiera?" "How are babies made?" "What happens when the baby comes out of the mom's stomach?" "I heard we have eggs in our stomachs. Is that true?"
Wow.
But I guess that's what I get for being the oldest. I guess I do get advantages like new clothes insteadda hand-me-downs. WAIT. I still get hand-me-downs. from my MANY. MANY older cousins.  But...I do get a cell phone first..and...yeah. But I guess that could be a disadvantage. I don't got an older sister who's been through all of it to ask what it's like and what I should do. I got my mom...but you know. It's different when it's mom. Idk how to explain that. but it is...ya know?
So yeah.
I've said that like..what? 4 times in the one blog? Imma dork^.^ paha..orc dork...imma not even explain that. That's just...the first thing that popped into my mind...and that's kinda what I do here. Type random things that pop into my head.
Like in English today our teacher told us before Walt Disney made fairytales happy, they were messed up and gory. and she wants us to watch a version of Cinderella, where when the shoe doesn't fit the step-sister, she cuts her foot in half so it fits. O.o WHO. DOES. THAT? But me and my friend are gonna watch it this weekend. See if it's on netflix. : P hahaha...eew. Gross. Oh no. I gotta go do homework! CRAP! I forgot!
BYE!!

-Kiera