I lose.

Please...why do you gotta give up on me like this? I hate it. I HATE IT! All I wanna hear is 'I'm sorry, I love you.' But I'm pretty sure I'm never getting that. I feel like I'm waiting for nothing. and I don't wanna hurt someone else in the process. I'm already hurt...I can't bring other people into it. I just wish I could go back and fix everything. I wanna get another chance. I wanna be happy again. Cuz this just isn't fair.
What did I do wrong?
Why weren't you happy?
Why do you hate me?
Why did you lie to me?
Why can't you love me like you said you always would? Like you promised. Like you made me believe.
Now when someone else has feelings for me, I lose. I lose I lose I lose I LOSE.

Long time no blog?

I miss pouring my heart into my keyboard. >.< Actually I can't do that on this one, really. Idk if people even read it. But..yeah.
So my internet has been gone for about 2 weeks now. Yeah, bad time to go away, internet. Bad time. but now its back and it pretty much made my day.
The past three weeks of my life have been the longest I have ever lived through. Literally. I feel like it's been 3 years. And  yet, I can remember that friday night movie like it was yesterday. and it was...3 weeks and...4 days ago. Yeah. I'm really stupid for remembering that.
I'm strange in that way.
I'm strange in every way.
I just wish...
I wish a lotta things.
That things didn't have to change like that.
You know how many scenarios I've made up in my head?
How many times I've fallen asleep imagining that they happened? and everything's okay?
a lot. A. Lot.
I try to make it seem like I'm fine.
I dunno if it's believable or not.
But whatever.

I like the way it hurts?

I guess...people really do change. I don't know what was holding me back, but I thought maybe things were gonna alla sudden go back to when they were perfect some day...and everything would be good again. But I don't see that day happening. He hates me. It's clear as day. I don't know what I did to make him feel that way, but apparently he does. and I'm kind of afraid that this 'eating disorder' i got going on...yeah its getting worse. And today he told me off for saying melon. Okay, so he pretty much is an EXPERT at pissing me off. And he pretty much is an EXPERT at making me burst into tears in front of people I don't want to burst into tears in front of. The hell with that.
I haven't written in a while because our internet is out. My dad couldn't pay the bill...yes, money is really tough right now. :s I'm scared. Everything's going wrong. I can have ONE good day where I'm finally a little bit slightly happy. and he ruins it and tells me off for saying melon. Saying that I'll never be as awesome and cool as one of my best friends. That makes me feel fantastic! Thanks! If I'm dead tomorrow THANK YOURSELF!
I'm not suicidal. but...I wouldn't object to a homocide right about now. COME ON MURDERERS! BRING IT!
...
O.o
Yeah. so I'm babysitting right now. This keyboard is pretty awesome to type on. Ah. Why is that absolutely everything makes me think of him? The other day someone said something about a duck, and it made me think of him! A DUCK! WTHECK!?!?!?!?
...
*sigh*
I just don't know anymore. Everythings gone blank. I dunno what I'm doing, what I'm gonna do, where I'm going...it's just..scary. I wanna go BACK. Because...I miss everything. Okay, I admitted it, SHOOT ME. Yes, I miss..yeah. I can't even say the whole sentence outloud because I sound ABSOLUTELY PATHETIC.
So when is this going to end? I hate it. I'm going to DIE on show choir trips. It just..I hate it! I HATE IT!! I can't TAKE it anymore!
Apparently my feelings matter nothing to him. If I killed myself, right here, right now, he'd prolly laugh. HAHA! KIERAS DEAD! YAAAYY!!! I AM REJOICING!!!
...
Psh. Whatever makes him happy.
Again.
I'm not suicidal.

-Kiera

Prayer request!! O.O

Gosh I'm SO. Scared. It's not even funny. My gramma is really sick...I feel so scared and alone and...I just wanna really BIG HUG. I just...I don't want anything to happen to her. I love my gramma..I love her. Dear God please...please just..let her be okay. Let her get back to health and be okay again...I don't want her to go anywhere, God. I don't want  her to. Please don't take her...please don't take her, God. I'll do anything just to keep her here with us. I'll be happy! I'll stop hitting myself with solid objects! I'll pray more! I'll do anything! Ever since I was ten years old I've been afraid of gramma getting sick like people do with age...not now. I'm not. ready.
Please.
Just let me be okay.
Let everything be okay...
Help me.
AHH.
As you can tell, I'm a little worried. A LOT worried. I've never been so stressed and scared in my entire life! This is just...not my month. Idk. Today was an okay day but...dang I'm freaking out!
Just...
if anyone's reading this...pray for my grandma. Pat House. Pray for her...please. I'd really love that.
Thanks...

-Kiera

Love never fails.

I'm really scared. My grandma apparently isn't doing so good and probably has to get her heart shocked today. Why is it that everything seems to go wrong at the same time? A month ago, things were pretty friggin peachy-keen. Now I'd do anything to get that back. Almost. I'm just tired of this..everything. of everyone telling me what I can and can't do. Of crying myself to sleep everynight because I can't get everything off my mind. Of being scared of everything! Now that he's gone I feel...exposed? And unsafe. I've already said that but...yeah. Mom says I just need to focus on school and show choir and the musical and stuff. I guess she's right. and I try to do that but it's...kinda hard while I've got so many other things swirling amongst my brain at the moment. I just...wish someone would really be there for me. Most everyone assumes after a week, I'm over it. Sure it's less...more like I'm numb now. Whatever. I don't care. Who am I kidding? Yes I do. I care. More than almost anything...almost.
I went to church last night. I almost didn't go cuz Dad didn't wanna take me(the football game was on. What a stupid excuse right? Church is WAY more important than some idiotic guys running around in tights throwing a ball across a field through little fork things. PAHA! Sorry, that was mean) and so I marched myself down to the  neighbors where my dad was watching that football game and angrily begged him to bring me to church.
So my mom took me. I'm really glad I went. I just kinda zoned out and stopped thinking during mass and it made me feel better. At steubenville, they told us that when we were scared, to just ask God to hold us. I've been doing that to help me fall asleep at night. I always works. It makes me feel a lot safer to know I've got God with me, and my faith is pretty strong. Even if things sometimes seem...unbelievable. Unrealistic.
I'll be okay.
What kinda scares me is that fact that...I don't care being alone anymore. I'll walk through a cemetery and not even flinch because..honestly...I don't care as much what happens to me now. I know that sounds bad...but its true. I hate feeling like this. I feel sick all the time, and I can't stand weekends cuz I've got nothing to do unless my parents are nice and let me have a friend over. Urrg.
I just didn't think he was like that...ya know? Like every other girl who goes through a breakup, I'm gonna say this. I thought he was different. Different. Last Friday night we went and saw a movie, and it was absolutely perfect...then monday...everything for 5 months is gone? Does it mean nothing to you? Because it means something to me. and I don't care if you don't give a diced melon about me anymore...(why am I talking in 2nd person?)
My mom (yeah, my mom is attempting to give me a lot of advice) says that it was 'ignorant of him' to treat me like that friday and then break up with me monday. And that she's mad at him. PAh. I love my mom, but being mad at him sure as hell doesn't fix it. But I know nothing can fix it...except time, really. I just..can't believe I was stupid enough to believe everything. To think that we'd be together forever?
Even when we began the relationship in late march I remember telling myself, "You're not gonna move too fast, and don't go believing what he says, because they never mean it and if you believe him you'll be more heartbroken when he ends it."
Psh. LOOK WHO WAS RIGHT?!
Don't believe them because they never mean it.
I didn't say "I love you" until I meant it. Wheras he said it within the first day. There's no way he meant it. No dump trucking way. He just...told me that? What kind of a person...who...why in the heck would someone lie about all that for 5 months? Sure, maybe he didn't think he was lying at the time.
But love never fails.
It's in the BIBLE!
Love never fails...
Guess what happened?
FAIL!
So I guess he never loved me. Not really. Maybe it was a teeny glimpse of what love feels like. Sure, it felt like I was gettin' the whole cake thrown right at me, and I was absolutely insanely happy with that.
But it wasn't. It was just a little peice of cupid's little red-velvet cake one calls love (that metaphor sounded retarded!) and I've just gotta wait until I'm ready for more. Even if it's not the same cake. Different cakes are nice too...thing is I don't want another cake. I liked that cake. It was my favorite. I didn't even get the chance to finish it...

Save me

So I just found out my grandma is in the hospital. I'm scared out of my mind. The last time I saw her was last weekend and I ruined it because I couldn't stop dang CRYING. and now I'm scared. scared. scared. and yeah...so I honestly don't know what to do. Is everything going wrong at the same time for some reason? Does God want me to suffer? Am I being punished? I dunno..I know God is all-forgiving and doesn't do such deeds but...I'm scared. I just want..everything to be okay again. I can't believe I was so overdramatic a week ago worrying about what might happen. Maybe if I hadn't been so worried, it wouldn't have happened and...things would be a whole lot easier. I wish things were a whole lot easier. I always say everything happens for a reason. But the worst part about that is sometimes you don't know that reason. Ever. and I'm afraid I'm just gonna be sitting here waiting to find out the reason forever.
Every night before I fall asleep, I see everything. I see...my past..my present, my future. And it all seems so..vague. Before..I knew my future. I knew what I was going to do, and I knew what made me happy. But it's different when what makes you happy doesn't want that anymore. I just think...what am I now? What do people think of me when I walk down the hall, clutching my books to my chest like a lost little girl? When I sit on the risers in choir in a little ball, hoping no one will notice the smile isn't real. Hoping no one will notice what I really feel. Okay, that was not supposed to rhyme. I feel cool. >.<
Anyways.
Yeah, I don't like being hurt. But I guess I'll just have to live with this feeling. Today my friend told me 'life is like a roller coaster. So just sit back and don't fall out.'
And I thought...I'm already falling. Nothing makes sense, my heads spinning, my heart won't stop racing and my eyes are always blurred. I can't see where I'm going. I don't know if I'm going to hit the cold ground or if someone's gonna catch me. But how can someone catch me? It's a long fall...and I might just hurt them too. There's not enough time for a net. I'm gonna crash.
I'm never gonna be able to ride a roller coaster again. My metaphors are quite confusing.
A quote from my favorite movie Titanic.
"I feel as if I'm in the middle of a crowded room, screaming at the top of my lungs and no one even looks up!"
No one even looks up.

Reasons.

JEEZ. I've never felt such a strong urge to talk to one person in my entire life.But. I. CAN'T. RAHHH!!! I wanna bang my head on things.
I ate today. Aren't you proud of me? :P
But now I feel sick:(
Urgg...
So my pawpaw just took us out for pizza. and..yeah. I think he thinks I'm starving myself. Whatever. I'm not. Aw man..I'm gonna puke! What is wrong with my stomach?! AHH!!
I'm totally confused. I just..wish I could rewind. I've said that a million times before. but..whatever. I know I shouldn't have any regrets. I don't...I just wish I wouldn'tve been so...bitchy. ya know? AHH. Cuz..I feel like it's my fault. I'm such an idiot. This is why I have caused myself to pass out from hitting myself with things. Tehe:P
Well...AHH! STOP IT TUMMY! SHUT UP!! IM NOT FEEDING YOU!!!! ILL JUST THROW UP!
Raah.
So...
yeah...
um...
What now?
I've been dying to write to my blog and now I have like..nothing to say. Except I'm all depressed again and I was just fine before...Idk. I know there's only 2 things that make me happy and I'm not gonna write them on this blog. just cuz it'll sound insanely pathetic. :P It's nothing bad though. I'll just say one of em' is music:) MUSICC! Imma listen to some now. WAHH. Imma freak. :P

So...I know what I'll talk about. Today is 9/11. So..yeah itis a very sad day...I remember when this happened, I was in kindergarten. and I went over to my grandma's house, and watched the news...I was confused. We didn't know anyone that was really effected by it, not that I know of at least. But it's really sad that someone would do that and take so many lives away. Innocent people...but I suppose, as I've said many times, everything happens for a reason. I guess God was ready to take them into his kingdom:) Well...those people are in my prayers. God never hands someone something they can't handle. It must've been hard for those people's families...but God wouldn't take them for no reason. Bad things happen for good reasons...I guess I should listen to my own advice. Bad things happen for good reasons...I wanna know that good reason...

-Kiera

Just a Dream?

You know what's the most refreshing thing everr?! To run outside and find an open area where no one goes...like by my pond at the front of my neighborhood, and run around singing and dancing. It pretty much reminds me of being in a music video..or...flying. I dunno.
You know..I really don't know what the heck to write! I kinda wanna write a story..
Onto that!
But...that goes in my other blog. so I'll do that after I'm finished with this one.
Have you ever thought 'am I really here right now? What if I'm dreaming my whole life and I'm gonna wake up as a 5 year old?'
That'd be strange. Dissapointing enough, I dreamt about someone last night and woke up shaking. How messed up is that? Whatever. I'm fine. O.o
Well yeah. So...doesn't that make you curious? Or like..what would like be life if I never existed? Would anyone miss out on anything they would miss? I dunno. I kinda wish I could like...see what people would do if I died. Just...to see. I dunno. I keep sayin' that. I dunno about ANYTHING anymore. Do people purposely try and confuse me?
I wish that I could play the piano. I can part of one song, and I totally get into it and I'm like yeahh...I'm makin' pretty moooosic! and then...I don't know the rest. It's pretty pathetic. :P
Well..yeah. Imma go to my friends house...
Girls night.
Hopefully it'll help.
I was told the best way to get over heartbreak is to spend time with girlfriends. :)

-Kiera

You've already had the best days of your life!

I can't pretend like it doesn't hurt anymore...neither can I pretend that my heart STOPS when I see him in the hallway. But you know...I'm feeling a lot better. My friend Corynne took me out for ice cream today, and we listened to this song in the car. and it's pretty much my theme song that makes me feel happy again.
The Best Days of your Life Kellie Pickler. It makes me wanna go..hurt someone. And be happy about hurting someone. :P Cuz I'm gonna be just. fine. Sure, it still hurts. I don't think I'll ever be able to talk to him like before. He thinks we can just go back 5 months 6 days, he's wrong. He chose to lie to me..and to hurt me like he did. and then act like nothing happened. That does NOT go down with me. and if you watch the music video to that song, the guy gets hit by a BUS at the end! It's like...YES!! BURRRNNN!!! TAKE THAT!! YEAH!! YOU GET HIT BY A BUS!! :P I'm kind of in rare good mood right now. I'm still not eating...but...I'll get better. I got my friends and my family.
So I'm still a mess. and I will be. for quite a while. but...at least now I know that I'm gonna be okay. Eventually. It feels slightly better.
Slightly...

Empty?

so now I'm starting to scare myself. I know I'm hungry. My stomach won't stop growling and I've lost 5 pounds already. but I don't wanna eat for some reason. I have this poptart sitting in front of me and it makes me feel sick just looking at it. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I honestly don't have any idea what to do. I'm gettin those weird shudder things again. I'm freezing...and I have trouble breathing..and I start  hyperventilating. I don't know what's wrong. What's WRONG?! and now we're having money problems. and I'm scared. Usually...when stuff like this happens I go to him and It's just fine because he..makes it seem better. But I can't even look at him. Everything hurts. and now my stomach hurts cuz I can't eat. I might as well try...well...my friend is taking me out for ice cream after school today. :) That'll make me feel better hopefully. I just feel like today is going to be absolutely horrible.
Yesterday we're sitting at the back to school bash thing and I was having a total blast...things were OFF my mind and I was doing absolutely fine. and then we're joking around about the fake bruises that the drama club gave us (stage makeup-which, I have to say looked totally real. I looked like an abused child) and my friend blurts of 'Well you can always blame your ex!'
SERIOUSLY?!
Who. says. that?
I guess she does! Then my face fell and it hurt to smile again because I started focusing on my friends and their boyfriends. Then my friend sitting next to me gave my other friend a DEATH stare because I couldn't really talk anymore. and I hate that word. 'ex'. No. I'm not going there. I'm not even saying that word.
I want to fix things. I want...I'm not even gonna say it. cuz I sound pathetic. Completely. okay...so it was very first relationship and 'nothing lasts forever'. You know...I was stupid to believe that wasn't true.
Forget this food.
I gotta brush my teeth.

-Kiera

Stupid fate.

I love my friends...I would seriously be hanging upside down from a light post or something if I didn't have my friends. My family helps too but..yeah. Today was a little better. I'm going to some back to school bash tonight...I dunno. I hope it'll be fun. I hope I hope I HOPE. Gahh.
My room is a mess and I can't pick it up or I will...find things...that will not make me happy. Cuz I kinda had a tantrum the other day and threw a picture across the room and screamed at it and then had a breakdown on my bed. Wow.
Whatever.
I'll be fine.
Eventually. I guess it's starting to get a little better. I haven't cried today yet. Okay so...almost. It was very close. RAAAHH.
You know what bothers me? When people tell me it's fine and I need to get over it. I've prolly already said this before but Imma say it again.
URGGG!!! I can't just 'Get over' it. It just DOESN'T happen that way! and then today..my friend's talking to me and goes 'so..who do you like?' and I stare at her like...seriously? You think I get over things that fast? Yeah...but...yeah. Everything happens for a reason. I just gotta. keep. telling myself that. It happens for a reason...a reason...
What's the reason? I don't even know. People ask what happened. I just...mutter..'he broke up with me.' and they go 'why' and I usually just shrug and say 'I dunno. He wasn't happy.' I hate when people ask that. I hate it. Why? Why why why why? WHY? Well...because I guess that's just what fate had in store for me. Psh, yeah I don't like it. At all. but I can't change it. and it won't change. so I just have to try and move on. cuz otherwise it's just gonna keep hurting.
Wow. and I thought I was getting better. A single picture makes me start hyperventilating. That's not right. And then just now, I tried eating food. Well...mike and ikes. it makes me feel sick! I didn't even finish my bag of chips at lunch today. I did down my apple juice tho. Apple juice is good...haha:P
Well...my stomach's hurting again.
Imma go lay down...

-Kiera

Crossies...

Aaand there we have it. The SECOND worst day of my life. Every single hour..I sat there and tried not to cry. For. 8. Hours. and then an hour on the bus. 9 hours. But...the crying did happen on the bus. I swear. Am I pathetic or what? I'm the one that sits around hitting herself and wishing someone would just kill her while he's all..smiley and...sigh.
Why does my life have to suck? Everyone is giving me hugs and telling me it'll be alright...and...my 'friend' asked me what was wrong in ac lab today. I told  her my boyfriend broke up with me and she said 'oh, who?' and..I just...stared? I have no idea why..but..I could not say his name. What. is. wrong. with. me? And why does everyone have to lie to me? I thought everything was gonna be okay when he came along. but now..stuff sucks again. I'm worried about...everything and...now that I have no one to keep my mind off everything...
Ah. Imma be worrying about..money issues and...other stuff again. Stuff I KNOW I shouldn't be worrying about. I'm just a pathetic person. Forget it.
We sang Can't touch it from Sex in the City 2 in Express. Haha. I really wanted to put Express in italics. anyways. We sang that today and..I totally got into it because...idk...I was really getting mad. and...then in choir i laid down and hit my head on the floor multiple times. now I have bruises on my forehead. YAY!!
.
.
.

I hate. When people. ask me. What's. Wrong.
Everytime someone said that I told them to ask someone who was sitting near me. Unless someone wasn't and I had to tell them myself. And then my friend Kimmie...told me I'm not allowed to look at a picture of him. She made me promise that I wouldn't look at any pictures.
I was crossing my fingers.

Tangled

All I know is that it still hurts like crap. I woke up wishing it all was just a dream. But I know it's not...I know it's all real...but it makes it 10x worse when I have a dream that he wants me again...and then I wake up to find he doesn't. It hurts so bad...It hurts so...bad. So I wake up in the morning after a day of crying...and cry. It makes no sense. Okay, so I suppose it makes sense. It's never gonna be the same. I'm never gonna be same. I guess I'm just gonna have to be strong. I just wish I could go back in time to fix things! He's telling everyone I wasn't FREAKING HAPPY! That's. not. true. Towards the end, I had emotional breakdowns but there's reasons for those emotional breakdowns that don't relate to him and now...now I don't have him to make me feel better and hold me and tell me it's gonna be okay...I feel...exposed. Like..some random mass murderer is gonna come in my house and kill me and no one would care. No one would even notice. I sure wouldn't care. Come, mass murderer. I wanna escape. I've got friends that care about me and a family that knows I'm hurting but no matter how hard they try it doesn't get better. I've still lost him, and I'm still a wreck. because I was foolish enough to believe all those lies. I guess they might've not been lies at the time. And you know...I even told myself not to believe them. That he'd break those promises one day, it was impossible not to. There's no way one person could want to be with me like that. I'm not perfect either. Psh. Everyone knows that. I hate it when I'm upset and people tell me I'm talented..I know they're trying to make it feel better...but...I don't care what any other guy thinks of me..I care what he thinks. and I can't rewind 5 months, 6 days of my life like nothing happened. because something did happened. something...extraordinary and perfect and...amazing and..now it's all over! Now I'm just a broken, tangled MESS.
Let's just see how strong I can be.
and hearing those stupid love songs makes it a million times worse. Because those used to be the songs I'd smile and be happy and...I'd sing along and understand them. Now it just stings. I don't even care anymore. About anything. I just...I just know I lost.

Impossible

This cannot...be...happening...but it is. Wow. Yes, he broke up with me, and yes, I am a 100% complete mess. I've never cried so much in my life. You know, you think after crying for several hours, your body would run out of tears or something but nope. They just KEEP coming. Leaving me with a MASSIVE headache and a soaked t-shirt. and I actually thought about..hurting myself...today. I hate it. I hate it so much. I really thought...I really thought he meant it. I thought it was forever. I thought he loved me I thought...so much. And it was all LIES and now he's just gonna leave me SITTING HERE CRYING AND ACTING LIKE 5 MONTHS OF MY LIFE MEANT ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AND IT CAN'T JUST GO BACK TO NORMAL BECAUSE IM NOT MYSELF ANYMORE AND HE DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT!
AAAHH!!!!!!
Everyone keeps asking me if I'm okay.
I'm not okay.
I'm not even remotely CLOSE to okay.
I can't eat. Or sleep. Or do anything..but cry...and stare at pictures and cry...and remember things and CRY. and CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRYYY!!!!!!
Honestly. Did 5 months and...6 days mean absolutely nothing. That you think you can just go back to 5 months and 6 days ago like nothing happened. Like...you never told me..all those...AHH!!! DOUCHE BAG DOUCHE BAG DOUCHE BAG DOUCHE BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG!!!!!!!!!!!! So guess what? Idc WHO is reading this...and WHAT they now think of me but...
So...he won. Now I'm...now I'm...wishing I was DEAD.
I wish I was dead...

-Kiera

Do you Love me so?

So I wrote this really depressing, yet somehow deep song. But..it's not supposed to be sad...i mean it is kinda but it's kinda saying that...said person loves someone with all their heart but their not sure if said person loves them back. and their scared. but their not gonna give up. yeah. so...Yeah. I'll post a video of it eventually...i think the tune is pretty...Here goes nothing...

I stare at your photograph
Why does it hurt so bad?
A tangled web of lies
Boy, you broke me blind
and I'd do anything
to fix my broken wing
Nothing seems right
about this dazed and fractured flight...

Chorus:
But I fly
Broken and confused
I will try
to make things right with you
but know I'm not invincible
and though this love's incredible
Baby, I wanna know
Do you love me so?

So every night my heart is astray
So I fold my hands and start to pray
To my lord
Who made me soar...

Repeat Chorus

Now I know.
Now I know.
Do I know?
Don't let me go...!

Repeat chorus

I wanna know...
But now I know...
I hope you know.

That I love you so...

Ohmygoodness! I'm so excited that I just did that...I wanna like record it now. >.< I just made up the last half off the toppa my head. EEHEEE.

Change hurts.

I'm so tired...of wanting to cry every 5 minutes. I don't even know why. so yes, I'm overemotional but I don't MAKE myself cry! It just..happens! URG!!! I'm just a weirdo. Everyone already knows that. But I wanna be special...I wanna mean something...ahh. My heart keeps doing some weird thing..and it doesn't feel good. *Sigh*.
Just. SIGH.
I guess I'm just gonna have to deal with the fact that it's not last year. We're in high school now and I guess things change. I don't like change. Not this kind, anyways. It hurts. I'm just not gonna try anymore. Because no matter how hard I try...things'll be great again for a day or two and then...i dunno what's going on. But I can live with that. He's worth it.

Bro/ken

I really don't know what I feel right now.This weird whirlpool of emotions that really just hurts. A lot. But Imma just have to live with it cuz I really don't think it's gonna change anytime soon. and I know it's not just me because last night I felt like I was having a heart attack. I still have no idea what it was but I couldn't. Breathe. Literally. I don't know...I was hyperventilating, and my heartbeat was like...off the charts and I was FREEZING cold. I feel like such. A. Bitch. I know...I just said bitch. ohh no...kill me now because it'd be okay with me.
I can't eat. I can't sleep without having a nightmare...I wanna go back in time! I wanna fix things, I wanna make them better again, I wanna lay down and cry all day but I can't! and I hate this feeling! I hate it! Nobody cares. and I've never been so..scared. Ever. I was shaking..and I couldn't make it stop. and my body's still bein all weird. Everything was so perfect and now..it just feels messed up and I don't know what to do. I can't make it better. I just miss...everything. I miss him. So much...and everything...the memories hurt because I feel like there's never gonna be another of those perfect. memories. I know nothing and no one is perfect. But things were close enough! I want them back...I want him back! Why do I feel like I've lost him? I can't..I can't...I just can't! Ever since I've been with him..I've been so happy...everyone could tell too! Because I'd tell my best friends what was wrong and they freak out. Cuz they know that he makes me happy..but right now I'm not. and I know what emo people feel like. but I'm not emo. Everything hurts. Why? why can't we just rewind to...2 month ago..or..2 days ago? I people were right? Nothing can last forever? Is that true? Cuz I really..I really don't want it to be true. I don't want everything said..to be lies. I hate this. I want everything to be better. I want him to hold me and tell me its gonna be okay. But I don't think that's gonna happen i guess I've just gotta be strong. I may be being way overdramatic. but I can't just bottle it up. I don't know what the hell to do. I just...wanna be loved again. and I'm not. I guess I kinda feel broken. Broken.

Seriously?!

So I'm really just kinda..pissed right now. URGG. I'm totally bipolar. Everything is finally better again..he's all sweet and its just perfect again and I'm SO happy...and then...after my 3 or 4 days of bliss he goes back to whoever the hell that person was last week and before. I'm so. tired of it. I don't wanna be walked all over and I'm pretty sure he's KNOWS he's hurting me but he doesn't exactly give a llamas rear end. And if he does...I'd greatly appreciate it if he would maybe...if he would try and treat me better. because he acted sorry...and...AHH!! I WANNA SCREAM AND CRY INTO A PILLOW AND RIP MY HAIR OUT AND STAB MYSELF WITH A SHARP KNIFE!!! I WANNA DO IT! NOW!!! GOODBYE BLOGGER!!!

RAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Kiera

Never alone

 I just completely fell in love with song:) AHH!! It's just...AH! I can totally relate...it's kinda perfect for me...and how I feel about..a certain someone. :D

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when its time to go home
May you always have plenty
The glass never empty
Know in your belly
You're never alone

May your tears come from laughing
You find friends worth having
With every year passing
They mean more than gold
May you win but stay humble
Smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble
You're never alone

Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone

well
I have to be honest
As much as I wanted
I'm not gonna promise that the cold winds won't blow
So when hard times have found you
And your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone






Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when its time to go home
And when hard times have found you
And your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone

Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone 

My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone

 And to anyone out there....just remember..you're never alone:)


-Kiera

Good Morning Baltimore!

Well, I don't live in Baltimore, but I think you may get the point. My high school is doing the musical Hairspray this year and I am suuuuper psyched for it! I wanna try out for Tracy and Penny...although I doubt I'll get either part. I'm a not-so-talented freshman that short...and not as fat as Tracy's character should be...prolly not tall enough for Penny. I'm just hoping for a main character. I'll be happy with whomever I get cast as, even if it just (which is most likely will be) just chorus. It'll be fun:)
So you know the whole bus dilemma? Yeah...I gotta ride a bus this morning. And its raining and I have to walk to the bus stop. So..I think my dad's gonna drive me up there. I really hate being the only one up every morning. It's just...depressing. I wish I could get up at 6 and be fine. But the bus picks me up at 6:30...so I must get up at 5:30...or I will be half asleep and look like crap all day...I look like crap anyways. Bleh:/
So...yeahh....I got bored waiting for my dad and decided to write a blog! It's so early...my siblings get to wake up at 7 and me? I get to wake up at 5:30. I honestly don't think that's very fair. I should make them get upat 5:30 and stare at the wall until its 7 and time for them to get ready! No..I'm not THAT cruel. Or..am I?