Look at your life...

Hiya. I always start my blog posts like I'm talking to someone. And then I ramble on about how stupid the entry sounds or whatever:P I guess most of my blog posts are similar, but I don't really care. I didn't make this blog to entertain people, or really so that anyone reads it. If anyone does read it, I hope the one thing they get from it is inspiration. But honestly, this blog was created in 8th grade out of boredom, and then it turned into this sort of journal. Except I wouldn't write all of my feelings on this, considering it's on the internet, and anyone can really see it:P So what shall we talk about today?
Parents. I think about my parents, and I look at other people's parents. I realize how blessed I am to have parents that care so much about me. They work so hard to be able to get me what I need, and even if sometimes I don't get what I want, they've raised me well enough that I have learned to accept that I don't always get what I want in life. Sometimes things don't turn out the way I'd like them too, and that's okay. Because no matter what, things do happen for a reason. Horrible things like heartbreak, a death, a divorce and things of the nature can really damage a person. But they also show that person how strong they are, and they make that person that much stronger. Which is why I'm glad I have encouraging parents. I know it kind of sounds cliche to say this, but honestly. There are starving children in Africa and we're over here complaining about taxes and how we can't afford that new couch we want. There are people out there far, far less fortunate than you and me, especially if your reading this off a computer. But I don't know your story. You could have a very unfortunate life. But when times are rough, just remember there is always someone here to talk to. My e-mail address is in the sidebar, and if there's anyone out there that doesn't know me, and needs a little advice, I'd be happy to give it.And no matter how hard you think you got it, there is always someone who is worse off than you. I will complain about how my parents are making do the dishes, when some innocent girl I don't know has parents that beat her every night. I will complain about feeling too fat when there's plenty of girls that wish they could gain weight, because they throw up everything they eat. Just feel blessed for what you have, because even if things aren't perfect (which they never are) just think of all the good things in your life. And how much worse it could be. God is watching over you. And don't let your doubts weigh you down. Allow your heart to grow 4 sizes. Just like the Grinch who stole Christmas(:

Goals.

So yes, I just made re-designed the blog in the first time in forever. I felt it needed change. And the background said '2011' on it, so I made a new one!! (: These pictures are more updated anyways. The things in the pictures on the new background mean a lot to me(: If your not reading this from a computer, I feel sorry for you, because the updated version of the blog looks pretty sweet!!! So, we all have something to work towards right? A goal, a wish. Something. Well, I find that making goals, makes earning them a whole lot easier. If, of course, you decide what steps its gonna take to be able to complete these goals. So I turned in this song for personal finance about my goals and what not, and it made me wonder if any of them are worth..wishing for. You know? Like...why should I wish that I could get best soloist at a show choir competiton? Is that a selfish wish? Is it an impossible one? Could I ever be chosen out of a hundred different soloists in a competition? I don't know, but it is a goal. It is something that I would very much like to happen. But I just kinda wonder if some of my goals are unrealistic. I guess that's all for today. (:

-Kiera

Special.

Good evening, bloggers. (: I haven't written in a while, I know. But I'm actually on my daddy's laptop for work right now and it gets wifi ( thank GOD ) so I think I might use this to post from now on. I like actually being able to type things out, takes way less time than on my ipod.
So I've been thinking (that's a dangerous thing, sometimes). People talk about not being happy all the time, and it got me thinking about my own happiness. Honestly, happiness is something that only the person seeking it can give to themselves. I made that sound confusing. Well, i guess my point is, if you want to be happy, then be happy! You have the power to make yourself happy, and you should know the things that your heart desires. Don't do something that does not make you happy, though it makes others happy. Because sometimes, your happiness should be put above others. Now I'm not saying be a selfish prick all the time. I just saying that sometimes, considering yourself in the equation is not being selfish. It's acknowledging that you matter to you too. And that no matter what people say about you, you love yourself. And loving yourself is so important.
Another topic I wanted to hit on. We're singing this song in show choir called "You are my home" for our ballad. It's this super lovey-dovey song, that, at first, was really hard to sing about. Cuz I don't really..love anyone like that, you know? I haven't for a really long time. So I didn't really know how to sing about it with emotion. Because somehow I always find someway to make the song fit me. And I found a way to make it fit this one! I was singing it at home and trying to find a way to relate to it. I realize that just because it talks about a love and how this person is "their home, making them strong" does not mean it has to be about a significant other. I thought...what if I sang about something that does make me happy. Like show choir itself. Whenever I first moved to Troy, I was not accepted at all. I've already told you guys about this:P anyways. I realize that any song can adapt to your feelings if you make it. You are my Home for me, is about my Team in show choir and how they make me feel welcome and like I am invincible. I love show choir because I feel like everyone in that group isn't going to tell the whole school about me. Although I'm not best friends with everyone in our group, I do think that almost everyone are good people. And the group in general, makes me feel safe and accepted. Express is my home(: The rest of our songs aren't too hard to connect to. I love our opener(: hehee. So next time you have a hard time 'connecting' with a song, how everyone says. Just make the song fit you.
Last year we sang Hotel California as our ballad (i know, super weird.) It was great!! Everyone couldn't really adapt to it, so we all sat down in a circle and talked about what it meant to us. and I explained that Hotel California to me, was talking about this place that everyone wants to get to, because they think that at this magical place, you can escape all of your problems. And then they get there and realize that they can never escape their problems, because in their hearts, they will always weigh heavy with them. and how this place is somewhere that will make them feel accepted, but somehow, all of these amazing things that people think are going to happen in this place are false. Everyone looked at me like...woah...Kiera just went deep:P It was pretty cool. It helps me a lot if I sit down and read the song(:

My hands are actually starting to cramp up from typing. That kinda makes me proud. Although this blog post really honestly is not nearly even close to the longest post. I'm one of those ramblers, aren't I? I could talk about Show Choir, and performing, and all that jazz for hours and hours on end.

Aight. New topic. Do you ever imagine yourself 10 years from now? I do. A lot. I'm so curious as to what my lifes gonna be like. Will I be married? Will I have kids? Will I still love music just as much as I do now? Will I have a great job? Will I be HAPPY?
I think that's the most important thing. I honestly just want to be happy. Sometimes I do feel like nobody understands me. Sometimes I feel like its me, against the world. But I know thats okay because I know I'm not the only one who feels that way. Sometimes it's so surprising to find that people do think in the same way I do. Not exactly the same, obviously, but similar. I wish I could find someone who thought just like me. I wish somebody out there could just give me a hug and tell me that it's gonna be okay. That no matter what life hands me, they will be there for me. I know there are people that will. I'm just afraid I won't always have them. Because you don't always have your best friends from high school. I'm so afraid that I'll grow up, and I'll be alone. I love the people in my life now. I want to keep those realtionships. Some things are just so complicated. I know you can't exactly plan a life. Because unexpected things happen all the time. We fall in love. We make babies! We lose our jobs. We win awards! Whatever life throws at us...everyone just feels like that have to be prepared. So they plan, plan, plan. And yes, I will plan for my future. But I don't wanna plan to a T. Because I don't want to dissapoint myself. I don't want to tell myself that I'm capable of getting into a great college and not. I don't want to tell myself I'm something special throughout high school, and get used to people complimenting my voice in such, and then get out in the real world, and realize that...I'm really nothing special. because I kinda realize that's how it's gonna be. Sometimes I just wanna give up on my dreams. Everyone says "you'll be famous one day" but no one really means it. And if they do, its just a dream. It's just a hope. I'm nothing special. Sure, I can sing. But me as a person...I'm just Kiera. Just...eh. I want to be special to somebody. I feel like I haven't been special to anybody in so long. I'm tired of hearing "your so great, your voice is beautiful." for once I just want to hear "You are special to me." Or "You are just one very special person." And not jokingly. I want to be special to someone. I want someone to look at me and smile. and I want someone to love my smile. I want someone to hug whenever I just really need a hug. and not just a friendly "oh, kiera needs a hug." But a "I'm going to hug you because that's all I know how to do right now" hug. I just feel like somethings missing. In my crazy life that should seem perfect, there's one element that I feel like 10 years from now, it'll kill me not to have. I know I have all the time in the world. I just feel like I'm not good enough for anyone. Yes, I'm supposed to be confident, this is true. But this is how I feel. Sometimes I seem like the most confident person but no one will ever truly understand how badly I just want to be...special.To someone. I want every part of me to be special.
I just hope that day comes someday.

So im sitting here in starbucks, drinking my white chocolate caramel macciato and hanging out with my dear friends Jeramiah and Amanda. We had brunch at panera this morning and show choir got cavalier so we've pretty much just been bumming around all day, pretty much. It's pretty chill!!! We sat at panera for 2 hours, and then went to walmart and target, and now were here at starbucks. Chillin, chillin, CHILLIN. (: I don't really have anything to talk about, I just wanted to add how comfy and of a good mood I am in today. Friends can really make a difference in anyone's life. My life doesn't have to be about men or my appearance when I got great friends.

-Kiera

Who am I?

I've built up the great wall of China around me. To block out my feelings from everyone. Even myself. My brain is a wreck. I am. I don't understand my thinking. I don't understand my feelings anymore. I can't trusts anyone. I don't know who to believe. I can't explain how I feel. Nobody gets me. Not one person. With the exception of God, of course. I've just been thinking lately. And I just confuse myself. And the way I think. I just don't know. I guess I've just realized how guarded I am. And how certain people that were in my life, messed me up a lot. And I don't know how to get myself back.
I mean I think I know I am...but really, does anyone, even me?

A Book by It's Cover?

So, now that I think about it, my school is very organized into little cliques. Everyone fits perfectly into a group, and if they upset the balance, well, God FORBID you upset the delicate balance of our school's social system. Now I fit in with the show choir/choir/extranet random people. I do socialize with almost everyone, but in the morning when you get to school, you have your own specific table that you sit at, usually with your dominant group of friends. I sit with the show choir kids, of course. We all see so much of each other, I figure theyre my friends. Lol. Anyways people judge all of the show choir kids the same. Everyone assumes that because a few people act a little cocky, that were all like that. They say we all walk into school like were better than everyone else. Which is so far from the truth! It bothers me that because I associate with who I do, that I'm automatically stuck up. People need to get a life and realize that their lives are probably more important to them than what were doing with ours.

Fabricated Girls.

I'm standing in the bright lights of the dressing room, admiring the simple black dress I'd found to try on. I smiled, because the dress made me look thin and I thought my legs looked great. It was perfect. So I stepped out of the dressing room to show my mom and best friend, who were waiting to see it. They instantly chirped of how much they loved it and how I should buy it. And then another teenager walks out of the dressing wearing a dress like mine, but different. It looked amazing. It hugged her tiny hips and her long legs made me feel like a idiot in my dress. When I looked back to the mirror, I saw a pathetic sight. The dress now wrinkled in the wrong places, made my legs look fat, and I could see a little fat roll underneath the dark material. Discouraged because my body is not as pretty as the stranger's next to me.

Has this ever happened to you? Well probably not if your a boy ( that'd be a little strange:p ). But most girls out there know where I'm coming from right? Sometimes I'll look at myself in the mirror and think 'I look so pretty today.' and just be happy because I feel pretty. And then I'll get to school and feel like my close make me look fat or my hair is too stringy. There's always someone that looks so much better than me. Which is why I question why we all compare ourselves to others. It only makes us feel worse about ourselves! Everytime I see someone with skinnier hips than mine, or long legs ( unlike mine ) I wanna crawl in a hole and die. Sometimes I realize that I'm just putting a guard up. Like my clothes are never cute enough, my face is never pretty enough, makeup never well done enough. Being a girl is so confusing...there's so much pressure. No one taught me how to use makeup, or style my hair. I gotta figure all that out on my own. And sometimes I feel like the worst girl in the world. I'll spend half an hour I'm the morning trying to figure out what I want to do with my thick, long, hard to handle muddy brown hair. And I'll put on my makeup and be disappointed.
But what I'd like to do this new year, is to try not to think about how great I look on the outside. Of course I will always make an effort to look great, but I want to have the confidence to wear sweats to school and no makeup and believe that o still beautiful. I think one of the best compliments to get is when someone tells you you look nice when you have no makeup ad sweat pants on. I remember a while ago, I walked into English class, wearing really baggy navy sweats with chipped puffy paint on them, and a t shirt. I had no makeup on whatsoever. And one of my guy friends walked up to me and said 'Kiera, you look nice today.' and I looked at him like 'what?' I asked him if he realized I was wearing sweats, and he told me that he realized that and that it was nice to see my face without makeup. That made my day. The best kind of pretty, is the real you. I'm not saying Wearing makeup and nice clothes makes you fake at all. Cuz I wear it all the time. It feels so nice to wear clothes that make you feel beautiful. But it's even better to hear someone tell you you're beautiful when you had pretty mch just rolled out of bed. So I guess my new years resolution this year is to be confident in my body. To look at my short legs and chubby face, and to not care what other people see.

-Kiera

Music Speaks

How do you know how your real friends are? How come it seems like everybody just wants something from you? Sometimes it seems like people are only my friends because they want my advice or they want to use me. It sucks looking around and questioning who is really a friend and who is just faking it. I'm only useful until I'm not needed anymore. Then my problems don't matter. That makes me sad.

The world is a crazy place. It's dangerous and you're gonna get hurt. But everyday I think of at least one thing I can do to put the rest of the world behind me, and just be myself. Today, I dug up all my old music. I figured I'm never gonna use it again, so you know what I did? I got out a roll of tape and taped all my music to my walls. I'm surrounding myself with somethig that makes me happy-literally(: it does make me happy though. Lookig around my room and seeing a million key signatures, notes, naturals, rests and treble clefs. Music is my passion. I can't explain it anymore than that. When I perform its like a dream. I really could rant on and on about it forever. Stepping onto a stage and singing and dancing and acting or any of the three is so incredible, I can't explain it. It makes me happy. It is the one thing that I know I'm good at. It's the one thing that makes me feel safe, and invincible and confident and just...happy. I wish everyone could feel what I feel when I'm onstage. It's just true, raw passion. And I truly, truly love it.

When words fail, music speaks.

Sometimes I'll sit down and listen to a song, and just take it in. Sometimes I'll focus o the lyrics, and other times I'll focus on one specific instrument the whole song, and how it blends with the other instruments. Music is just something that you can't bring down to an exact science. It's a whole other world of endless possibilites. Music is something that shows me that God is watching me, and that he is proud. Because when I perform, I feel him smiling down on me(: