Awkward ol' me.

Gooood evening.
I'm really in the mood to write a song, but I can't think of the right words. So I'm blogging. You know--get the brain juices flowin?
Have you ever looked at someone--really looked at someone and realized how...fond of them you are? Boy, do I sound a bit awkward. Well obviously I'm not talking about one of my friends. I think you can figure this out. But sometimes I just wonder if anyone ever...looks at me. Like that. Yknow? How do people see me? Do they notice when I'm nervous that I twirl my hair and bite my lip? Do they notice that when I feel out of place I hug my arms to chest and look down? Do they realize when I want attention I simply look away? I know all of my quirks I could on and on..I sweat, embarrassingly. When I get embarassed, my face turns tomato red and a few minutes later I always have a little red spot on my chest. When I'm Upset, I open my eyes wider to keep from tearing up. And just the other day, as I was driving home, I sat a stop sign at the end of a street. Just sat there, and giggled. I'm kinda...out there. But my point of this is. I just wonder if anyone...notices those little things. Or notices me at all sometimes. Once again, I'm probably the most paranoid person on the planet. When I fall in love, I get crazy scared. I don't know of I'm the only one--probably--but I'm not one to approach boys. I get so. Incredibly. Nervous. Eve after I'm already dating them. Im too scared to walk up and hug em or hold his hand I'm always afraid I'll come off as clingy or needy. So I just...don't. Sometimes I just wish I was braver. I plan out almost everything. What will I say? What will I do if he says this? What if we go here? Freak out. I know sometimes there's no point in that. But I do it. My personality is just kind of awkward I guess. I get nervous and say really stupid things and then hate myself for it later.
I just hope that's not a super-fault and I'll never hold up a relationship because of my awkwardness. I don't try to be...I just anxiety very badly. It actually runs in the family. Anxiety attacks and crap. So I'm definitely not just making this up.
And you know what sucks? Having no control over being as paranoid as I am. You know the worst feeling? Getting a phone call and hearing "there's someone else" and then later realizing that it's affecting your future with other people. I can't get it out of my head. Can't help but worry that I'll get that very same phone call. "There's someone else". No. There can't be. Not again. And there won't be. Trust. It's happening. Slowly but surely.

Over thinking, happiness, and my biggest role model:)

So, I'm a girl. (if you haven't noticed) And as most of you may know, girls over think EVERYTHING. well...at least I do! A know a lot of us do. Which kinda sucks. Especially when you over think about things that are fine and you make it seem like they aren't. And the you make something actually go wrong because your paranoid. I guess I can't help my trust issues. There's just always someone better. So I assume there always will be. But maybe there won't. Maybe for once I'm good enough for someone. I just wanna KNOW. Know that I'm good enough. That I always will be?
I don't know. Over thinking sucks. But sometimes it's good to over think. Sometimes my obsessive brain helps me...I get homework done...I do well performing and memorizing lines in musicals because I obsess. What can I say. When I care about something or someone, I get a little obsessive. I can't help it. I've always been that way. I care about my grades. If I don't have a A in a class, I freak out. I had a 94% in English (which is an A-) at the end of quarter this year and asked my tea her if I could do anything to bring it up 1% and I rewrote a whole essay in an hour just for that. Can you say nerd? And musicals? Don't get me started. My whole family pretty much know the whole musical before they see it because I practice so much. Same with show choir. I love performing. More than almost anything. It makes me happy. So I want to do my best. :)

So to catch anyone up-if I haven't already stated this. I have a boyfriend (I don't know if I've mentioned that...) and he is absolutely wonderful:)) I got the lead in the musical! I think I already said that but just in case--i said t again. I'm really excited. It's a fun musical. :) I got a SUPER awesome spot in express. Front center. Almost. It's 2nd row on the floor center--but no ones in front of me. So I love it. :) I'm pretty happy rightnow.

Been super bipolar because being a female SUCKSASS. Emotionally exausted. Right now I'm super happy though. Let's hope it lasts! I get to see my grandma tomorrow. I'm excited:) she's the kind of grandma that is just overly perfect. She's overprotective, warm, bakes good cookies, doesn't like when you eat twiZzlers because you'll "choke on them", and she's the strongest woman I've ever met. If I could pick someone to be like it'd be her. Or my momma. She goes to church EVERY sunday and sings in the church choir. When my first boyfriend broke up with me, she was there. I was at her house. And she took us to et. And shes just wonderful and I love her more than words. Everyone should get the opportunity to meet someone like my grandma. She has given me soapy memories. Dreamsicles and fudgecicles at her house. Sausage for dinner. Making paper dolls out of catalogs. Sooo many. I could go on for years. My gramma is perfect:)

-Kiera

Not Good Enogh

There will always be someone prettier. More talented. Better with guys. Better. Somehow. Just always someone.
I know I shouldn't post when my emotions are all outta wack like this, but I'm going to anyways.
I hate feeling like people don't want to be around me. Especially the people you want to be around the most. I just want to feel wanted. More than anything. I just wanna feel like I matter. I wanna feel special. I don't want to look at some other girl and think that I can't compete with her. Because she's just better. But I do. I wish my confidence was higher. I wish I felt beautiful. But I don't. I nitpick every little detail and I can't stand it. I'm just not good enough.
And I don't really think I will be quite good enough for anyone.

#depressingpost

-kiera

Listen

It's just one of those days. Eh. I just need someone to talk to. Like on the phone. Or in person. Texting just doesn't always cut it. Sometimes you just need to hear someone's voice and know they are really listening. I just want someone to listen.

Butterflies

They come and go. Different people. Different feelings. Different ways. But when they do come, usually it is for a good reason. I guess my point is. They don't necessarily happen everyday. And not every person will give them to you. But the people that do, are the ones that can make an impact in your life. And I hope I won't stop getting butterflies anytime soon. Being able to smile everyday is a change I have been wishing for for a long time. Now I just pray itll be a change that will stay a while. I sure hope:)

Smile

I know some of you don't want to hear another ramble about being thankful and not taking your life for granted, but I'm going to do it anyways, so tough monkeys. (totally just made that up-don't mind my awkward slang)
So I went to youth mass and youth group for the first time in a while tonight. It's very eye opening when you go without such an important aspect of your life for so long and then you get it back. Kind of like when you hold your breath too long, and when you finally take a breath, it's the most amazing, refreshing and satisfying feeling. Going to church today was like that for me. I know it may sound so overly cheesy. I'm not the perfect catholic. Anyone who knows me, knows I am far from perfect. But there are decisions I have made in my life that at moments, I have wondered if I should give in and do what I know is wrong. But multiple times I have done the right thing, and looking back, I am so glad I did. The decisions I have made through life have made me the person I am today. I know not everyone is lucky enough to have the life I am blessed with. I have a million things to be thankful for. And whoever is reading this-if anyone-you do too. I don't know who you are or what every aspect of your life is like. But you are beautiful and you are capable of whatever you allow yourself to believe. I guess I'm just in an inspired mood tonight but I just wish people would realize how incredible their lives are. How everyday is a miracle and every moment is an opportunity to do something amazing. Dont just slouch around everyday and be scared of the possibilities.
I think that is one of my biggest problems. Not acting on things because I am scared. Im scared to grow up. I'm scared to lose people. I'm scared for my life to change. I'm scared things won't work out. Everyone has something they are afraid of. For some there is more than others. But it's okay to be scared. Because being scared about something also means you care about it.
I've got a lot of insecurities. And sometimes I have days that I just concentrate on my faults too much. But I think everyone has that.
We talked about seeing the good in people today at youth. It made me think. There are people on this earth that have done some pretty horrible things. Mass murderers, child molestors, abusers, drug dealers, and all those...people. But if people learned to see the good in them maybe they would be more willing to be better people. I know, being a little bit too optimistic here. But think about it. Don't judge people because of something they may have done or anything you don't know about them personally. I'm not saying its okay to do any of those things. I'm saying those people have obviously made mistakes. Everyone makes them. Everyone has regrets. And that's okay. Everything that has happened in your life has happened for a reason. God has put every person that has changed you in your life for a reason. Every smile, every tear, every heartbreak, every fear (hey that rhymed!) was meant to happen. And although Im 16 and still a youngin, I feel like I've already learned a lot.
People are judging, jealous and just plain mean sometimes.
That's why you stick with the people who make you smile. No one is perfect. Don't give up on someone because of one argument or because of a petty thing. If someone is in your life they are in it for a reason. And maybe some of the people who have been in your life aren't meant to stay forever. Maybe one day you'll meet some people who are. It's about living it day to day and smiling as much as you can. And making others smile. Because a smile can change so much for someone.
I know this post is all over the place. My brain is on overload tonight. It's 11:30 and I've got to get up at 5:30. So I'm just gonna stop now. I'll probably post again soon.
Life is very, very good. :) more news tomorrow...or whenever I have time to post.

-Kiera :)

But I can't help it if you look like an Angel...

Sooooo. Life is very good. I don't think I've smiled this much in a very, very long time. You know when you're in one of those moods where you don't care what happens during the day, you'rejust gonna be happy no matter what the heck happens. That's how I feel. :) YAY! And the cast list for musical comes up today so I'm glad that I'm in the mindset for now. :) I really want the lead, but if I don't get it than im not gonna bum myself out. I'll take my chorus role and love it. It'll be hard but I will find out what happens. I'm crossing my fingers.
You ever have heart butterflies? You know when you like someone so much that your heart goes all gooey when they text you or you see them? Ha. I sound like some Pre-teen romance novel, now don't I? Well I'm just excited cuz I like someone. And I haven't really liked someone in quite some time. So it's a good thing. The thing with me is--I'm overly paranoid about pretty much everything. I make assumptions because past relationships didnt work out well. But I've been trying really hard to not think about that stuff. I just want things to work out--because things never work out. So wish me luck today.
:) -Kiera