I feel so bad. Long story but...gah. It's just..this guy. Likes me. and you'd think that it'd make me happy. but today, he asked me out. And I told him that I liked him, I really did. and I do. But I'm not ready. I don't know when I will be ready, but I'm not now, and it wouldn't be fair to be with him, no matter how much I like him, when I love someone else. Knowing that if that person were to ever want me back, no matter how unrealistic that idea is, I would go back to him in the blink of an eye. It's wrong and unfair. I know I made the right decision. I don't like it, but I do. and he's right; Life's not supposed to be easy.
My life seems to be some twisted, insane, narrow little path. and I feel like the only thing holding me down is gravity. With, technically is true but...you get my point. GAH. So now I have a song.
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.
You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.
I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
I wanna randomly scream that song to the heavens.
I need to go to bed before I make myself cry again.
That's pathetic.
I'm fine. :)
-Kiera
Who am I kidding? I'm absolutely, 100% NOT fine.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Breath again.
Car is parked, bags are packed, but what kind of heart doesn't look back
At the comfortable glow from the porch, the one I will still call yours?
All those words came undone and now I'm not the only one
Facing the ghosts that decide if the fire inside still burns
All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again
I'll breathe again
Open up next to you and my secrets become your truth
And the distance between that was sheltering me comes in full view
Hang my head, break my heart built from all I have torn apart
And my burden to bear is a love I can't carry anymore
All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again
It hurts to be here
I only wanted love from you
It hurts to be here
What am I gonna do?
All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching
All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again
I'll breathe again
I love this song.
So my choir teacher, Mrs.Pietzman, told me today that she's making me her 'project' this year. Apparently I don't have any self confidence and I need to be more confident in myself, and so she's gonna make me more confident. I dunno how that'll work. I just see nothing special in myself. Honestly.
I remember last Halloween. Me and Amanda had like, just become best friends. and we walked around her neighborhood by ourselves trick-or-treating, and I remember us fantasizing about these guys we like (wow SHE had moved on. Unfortunately enough, for me..lets not go into that) and we wanted to be s'mores. haa. Now she's dated that guy and broken up with him, and been with another guy. and me...again, let's not go into that.
You know, I'm really an idiot.
Honestly.
I'm just...ugh.
I don't know.
At the comfortable glow from the porch, the one I will still call yours?
All those words came undone and now I'm not the only one
Facing the ghosts that decide if the fire inside still burns
All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again
I'll breathe again
Open up next to you and my secrets become your truth
And the distance between that was sheltering me comes in full view
Hang my head, break my heart built from all I have torn apart
And my burden to bear is a love I can't carry anymore
All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again
It hurts to be here
I only wanted love from you
It hurts to be here
What am I gonna do?
All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching
All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again
I'll breathe again
I love this song.
So my choir teacher, Mrs.Pietzman, told me today that she's making me her 'project' this year. Apparently I don't have any self confidence and I need to be more confident in myself, and so she's gonna make me more confident. I dunno how that'll work. I just see nothing special in myself. Honestly.
I remember last Halloween. Me and Amanda had like, just become best friends. and we walked around her neighborhood by ourselves trick-or-treating, and I remember us fantasizing about these guys we like (wow SHE had moved on. Unfortunately enough, for me..lets not go into that) and we wanted to be s'mores. haa. Now she's dated that guy and broken up with him, and been with another guy. and me...again, let's not go into that.
You know, I'm really an idiot.
Honestly.
I'm just...ugh.
I don't know.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Memories.
I can't just wait for something to happen forever. Because that something...the something that I think about everynight and imagine every possible way it could happen and reply those ideas over and over in my mind...that something isn't gonna happen. I'm just gotta have to get over it. Get over it. :/
I can't be afraid of what'll happen in the next few months.
I can't look back at what was, and wish it still was. Over and over again. Well...I guess I can. But there's no use. It's a stupid wish. A stupid, unrealistic wish.
I also can't just forget. I can't just forget everything. The mere thought of that scares the living crap outta me. I can't forget. I just can't.
Knowing that what I felt wasn't just a dream..kinda gives me confidence. I don't pretend to know what love is. But I know I've experienced it. I don't know if that was the only love I'll ever get, or if someone else will come along and love me. I don't know. I guess all there's left for me to do is wait and see.
and while I'm waiting I have to remember to stay true to myself.
Yesterday, someone told me they thought I was becoming too much like my best friend, Amanda.
After her boyfriend broke up with her the first time (They've broken up and gotten back together a bunch of times since then) she was never herself again. They're back together but she's still not herself. My friend told me that everyone stopped to her and no one really liked her. Which isn't completely true, but she did lose some friends because she became so upset. And my friend told me that I wasn't being myself.
Who is 'myself'?!! I'm just fine most of the time because I don't talk to people about it anymore because everyone's sick of hearing about it. No one really cares anymore they just want me to be happy little Kiera and solve their problems for them and tell them everything will be okay.
I try beyond what I can function to be the best friend and student and performer and whatever else I am that I can be and people tell me I'm spending too much time with Amanda, and I'm being like her, and I'm being over dramatic and that I need to get over it, and that I'll be fine.
They don't know.
They don't know anything.
I guess everything happens for a reason. Yeah.
and some good things have come outta this whole thing.
I met a new friend. Annaaaa:)
She's helped me through it a lot. I'm thankful for that. Because...without her I prolly wouldn't be as better as I am now.
My other friends have helped me too.
And all my other friends started talking to me more. Probably just cuz they're worried about me.
I swear the day after it happened I got so many hugs I couldn't count.
I remember.
I got to Express..and I just sat down in the corner next to the door cuz Mrs.Peitzman hadn't gotten there yet. and I just sat there. And stared into space. and Nick walked up and goes 'What's wrong with you? Why're you so depressed looking?" And I looked at him like "seriously. Are you an idiot?" because really? Everyone knew. and then Kimmie and Nick and Josh all started singing Can't Touch it in my face and made me laugh. and then made me sing it with them. Then when we got in I laid down on a riser and stared up at the ceiling. You see, usually before express, us being the only 4 freshman in the room, it was crazy town. And we'd run around and laugh and sing and do stupid stuff. But that day...we all sat in silence. Just cuz I'm sad doesn't mean every else had to be. but then they all started tickling me. That made me feel a little bit better. I'm lucky to have friends like that.
And in choir...we were watching hairspray that day. and EVERYONE sat by me. and gave me hugs. and tried to make me laugh. It worked a few times. And then I started banging my head on the riser just..because. and then everyone started freaking out and grabbing me and begging me not to bang my head on the riser. Dang. I mean...I wasn't getting brain damage or anything. But still.
And Kayla made me eat at lunch. MADE me eat. so did Bethany. Cuz I just got a bag of chips and a juice. And I sat there and stared at it. And when I ate a few and said I was full, Bethany looks at me and says "You are not going there. Eat. NOW." And shoves a cheeto in my face. That's a good friend:)
And...last night at the football game.
I dunno it just makes me feel really good when a buncha band people yell "KIERA!" and make me come over and give them hugs. I like hugs. >.<
And everyone just knows to leave him out of conversation.
And to talk about funny things.
Like bushes. AH. That actually made me laugh. Thank you Kayla;)
And the other day at A plus. I was talking to Ale, and she said something about Linda talking to me and him at the same time. and I just turned beat red. she she like..looked guilty. and I go "well that's ironic" and she laughed and said "I know!" And tried to change the subject.
I have good friends.
I do. I do. I do.
I have a good family.
When my gramma was in the hospital...I was so scared I came downstairs to my mom and just hugged her and cried and said "I'm scared." and so she let me call the hospital and I talked to my grandma. It made me feel a lot better.
The crazy thing about my gramma is that she's always so selfless. She worries about others. Not herself. She told me that she was gonna be just fine and what the doctors said and then goes "Well are you doin' better? You really scared me on monday. I've been praying for you." And I felt really bad. Could you pick a worse time? Really? When I'm at my grandma's house?! I never get to see her and you RUINED my day with her! No. I'm not blaming him. That's rude. I blame myself. I took it way harsh.
I remember that she took us to the dollar store. and I walked in and tried with all my might to STOP. CRYING. but I couldn't. They just kept coming. I did not know it was possible for the human body to produce that much tears in one day. and she bought me a bouncy ball. cuz she said we could get something but I didn't really care to pick something out so I just grabbed a bouncy ball. I don't know where that ball is still...and the cash register guy looked at me like I was a sick little girl dying of cancer.
I didn't look that bad, did I? I mean..I was only crying. I didn't look that bad...did I? :/
and then my mom came to pick us up from gramma's and the first thing she did was pull me into a big hug.
I'm really lucky to have what I have.
Really lucky...
Some of my dad's friends came over to watch the hockey game tonight. I hate it when my dad's friends come over. They always drink. I mean they're not always drunk. But they're not always sober either. My dad always stays pretty sober. He's a good daddy:) but sometimes...my dad's friends aren't as mature. I'm not going to explain that time on the internet. :P
I was gonna write more...but I gotta go clean my room.
Dangitt.
Kiera
I can't be afraid of what'll happen in the next few months.
I can't look back at what was, and wish it still was. Over and over again. Well...I guess I can. But there's no use. It's a stupid wish. A stupid, unrealistic wish.
I also can't just forget. I can't just forget everything. The mere thought of that scares the living crap outta me. I can't forget. I just can't.
Knowing that what I felt wasn't just a dream..kinda gives me confidence. I don't pretend to know what love is. But I know I've experienced it. I don't know if that was the only love I'll ever get, or if someone else will come along and love me. I don't know. I guess all there's left for me to do is wait and see.
and while I'm waiting I have to remember to stay true to myself.
Yesterday, someone told me they thought I was becoming too much like my best friend, Amanda.
After her boyfriend broke up with her the first time (They've broken up and gotten back together a bunch of times since then) she was never herself again. They're back together but she's still not herself. My friend told me that everyone stopped to her and no one really liked her. Which isn't completely true, but she did lose some friends because she became so upset. And my friend told me that I wasn't being myself.
Who is 'myself'?!! I'm just fine most of the time because I don't talk to people about it anymore because everyone's sick of hearing about it. No one really cares anymore they just want me to be happy little Kiera and solve their problems for them and tell them everything will be okay.
I try beyond what I can function to be the best friend and student and performer and whatever else I am that I can be and people tell me I'm spending too much time with Amanda, and I'm being like her, and I'm being over dramatic and that I need to get over it, and that I'll be fine.
They don't know.
They don't know anything.
I guess everything happens for a reason. Yeah.
and some good things have come outta this whole thing.
I met a new friend. Annaaaa:)
She's helped me through it a lot. I'm thankful for that. Because...without her I prolly wouldn't be as better as I am now.
My other friends have helped me too.
And all my other friends started talking to me more. Probably just cuz they're worried about me.
I swear the day after it happened I got so many hugs I couldn't count.
I remember.
I got to Express..and I just sat down in the corner next to the door cuz Mrs.Peitzman hadn't gotten there yet. and I just sat there. And stared into space. and Nick walked up and goes 'What's wrong with you? Why're you so depressed looking?" And I looked at him like "seriously. Are you an idiot?" because really? Everyone knew. and then Kimmie and Nick and Josh all started singing Can't Touch it in my face and made me laugh. and then made me sing it with them. Then when we got in I laid down on a riser and stared up at the ceiling. You see, usually before express, us being the only 4 freshman in the room, it was crazy town. And we'd run around and laugh and sing and do stupid stuff. But that day...we all sat in silence. Just cuz I'm sad doesn't mean every else had to be. but then they all started tickling me. That made me feel a little bit better. I'm lucky to have friends like that.
And in choir...we were watching hairspray that day. and EVERYONE sat by me. and gave me hugs. and tried to make me laugh. It worked a few times. And then I started banging my head on the riser just..because. and then everyone started freaking out and grabbing me and begging me not to bang my head on the riser. Dang. I mean...I wasn't getting brain damage or anything. But still.
And Kayla made me eat at lunch. MADE me eat. so did Bethany. Cuz I just got a bag of chips and a juice. And I sat there and stared at it. And when I ate a few and said I was full, Bethany looks at me and says "You are not going there. Eat. NOW." And shoves a cheeto in my face. That's a good friend:)
And...last night at the football game.
I dunno it just makes me feel really good when a buncha band people yell "KIERA!" and make me come over and give them hugs. I like hugs. >.<
And everyone just knows to leave him out of conversation.
And to talk about funny things.
Like bushes. AH. That actually made me laugh. Thank you Kayla;)
And the other day at A plus. I was talking to Ale, and she said something about Linda talking to me and him at the same time. and I just turned beat red. she she like..looked guilty. and I go "well that's ironic" and she laughed and said "I know!" And tried to change the subject.
I have good friends.
I do. I do. I do.
I have a good family.
When my gramma was in the hospital...I was so scared I came downstairs to my mom and just hugged her and cried and said "I'm scared." and so she let me call the hospital and I talked to my grandma. It made me feel a lot better.
The crazy thing about my gramma is that she's always so selfless. She worries about others. Not herself. She told me that she was gonna be just fine and what the doctors said and then goes "Well are you doin' better? You really scared me on monday. I've been praying for you." And I felt really bad. Could you pick a worse time? Really? When I'm at my grandma's house?! I never get to see her and you RUINED my day with her! No. I'm not blaming him. That's rude. I blame myself. I took it way harsh.
I remember that she took us to the dollar store. and I walked in and tried with all my might to STOP. CRYING. but I couldn't. They just kept coming. I did not know it was possible for the human body to produce that much tears in one day. and she bought me a bouncy ball. cuz she said we could get something but I didn't really care to pick something out so I just grabbed a bouncy ball. I don't know where that ball is still...and the cash register guy looked at me like I was a sick little girl dying of cancer.
I didn't look that bad, did I? I mean..I was only crying. I didn't look that bad...did I? :/
and then my mom came to pick us up from gramma's and the first thing she did was pull me into a big hug.
I'm really lucky to have what I have.
Really lucky...
Some of my dad's friends came over to watch the hockey game tonight. I hate it when my dad's friends come over. They always drink. I mean they're not always drunk. But they're not always sober either. My dad always stays pretty sober. He's a good daddy:) but sometimes...my dad's friends aren't as mature. I'm not going to explain that time on the internet. :P
I was gonna write more...but I gotta go clean my room.
Dangitt.
Kiera
Friday, October 8, 2010
A letter to God.
Dear God,
I don't know if you've got time for this, but I wanted to write to you. I would write it out..but my hand would hurt and I wouldn't get to write as much as I want to.
I don't know what I'm supposed to say.
Thank you for showing me you're always listening. I know you are. Even if sometimes I doubt it. I'm gonna go to church more.
God, why won't my parents go to church with me? I know they want me to go to church, and they made me when I was little, but now that I want to go, no one else will. I'm the only one in my family that goes to church. Why won't they go too? Could you show them that you want them to come talk to you?
Could you make mom stop smoking?
Could you make grandma better?
Could you fix everything?
Could you give me a hug?
I have so many questions. I don't mean to be selfish and ask for stuff. I'm thankful for what you've given me. I have a good life. I realize that I won't ever learn if I don't face dark times.
I'm scared.
I know everyone gets scared every now and then.
Everything happens for a reason, right?
Why did all this happen to me at the same time? I don't like it.
I love you, God.
Your friend,
Kiera.
I don't know if you've got time for this, but I wanted to write to you. I would write it out..but my hand would hurt and I wouldn't get to write as much as I want to.
I don't know what I'm supposed to say.
Thank you for showing me you're always listening. I know you are. Even if sometimes I doubt it. I'm gonna go to church more.
God, why won't my parents go to church with me? I know they want me to go to church, and they made me when I was little, but now that I want to go, no one else will. I'm the only one in my family that goes to church. Why won't they go too? Could you show them that you want them to come talk to you?
Could you make mom stop smoking?
Could you make grandma better?
Could you fix everything?
Could you give me a hug?
I have so many questions. I don't mean to be selfish and ask for stuff. I'm thankful for what you've given me. I have a good life. I realize that I won't ever learn if I don't face dark times.
I'm scared.
I know everyone gets scared every now and then.
Everything happens for a reason, right?
Why did all this happen to me at the same time? I don't like it.
I love you, God.
Your friend,
Kiera.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Someday when I stop loving you.
One foot on the bus about half past nine
I knew that you were leaving this time
I thought about laying down in its path
Thinking that you might get off for that
I remember that night we laid in bed
Naming all our kids that we hadn't had yet
One for your grandma and one for mine
Said we'd draw straws when it came time
I'll move on baby just like you
When the desert floods and the grass turns blue
When a sailing ship don't need a moon
It'll break my heart but I'll get through
Someday when I stop loving you
I bet all I had on a thing called love
I guess in the end it wasn't enough
And it's hard to watch you leave right now
I'm gonna have to learn to let you go somehow
Somehow
I'll move on baby just like you
When the desert floods and the grass turns blue
When a sailing ship don't need a moon
It'll break my heart but I'll get through
Someday when I stop loving you
Oh someday someday when I stop
I'll move on baby just like you
When the desert floods and the grass turns blue
When a sailing ship don't need a moon
It'll break my heart but I'll get through
Someday when I stop loving you
Someday when I stop loving you
I absolutely love that song.
So yesterday wasn't a fun day. I'm hoping today might be better...it's a purple day. Which, if you don't go to my school you have no idea and think I'm crazy and see random colors on random days?
We switch back and forth from Purple days and Gold days (our school colors are purple and gold) and have different classes on purple days and gold days. How I just explained that was super confusing but I'm not even sure if anyone reads this that doesn't go to our school. I think..theres...one person. :P
Anyways.
I'm so tired of hoping for something to happen. I know I shouldn't. I know I should give up, and know that he'll never have feelings for me again. That the day when he stopped loving me was long ago. and that I'm pretty pathetic.
Is it stupid that sometimes, thinking about him makes me smile. Just to remember. and why are those memories so vivid? Why can I remember every heartbeat; every smile? Because I'm a pathetic little teenager I suppose.
and then I get a C on my science test! I CAN'T GET Cs! I CAN'T!!! I CANT CANT CANT CAAANTTT!!!!!!!!!!!! I. Need. Straight. A's. NEED. Them. Because my parents won't let me be in the musical next year if my grades drop, and they won't let me be in show choir. I. Can't. get. a. C. I CAN'T.
Jeeeezums. I'm way stressed out. At least I remembered my lollipops for play practice today.
YES, sir/ma'am I get to eat lollipops DURING THE MUSICAL. Because I play the role of Penny Lou Pingleton in Hairspray the musical and Mrs.K Said I have to have either a peice of gum or a lollipop in my mouth AT ALL TIMES. So I brought some lollipops to practice. :P Watermelon and Cherry. Tehe.
-Kiera
I knew that you were leaving this time
I thought about laying down in its path
Thinking that you might get off for that
I remember that night we laid in bed
Naming all our kids that we hadn't had yet
One for your grandma and one for mine
Said we'd draw straws when it came time
I'll move on baby just like you
When the desert floods and the grass turns blue
When a sailing ship don't need a moon
It'll break my heart but I'll get through
Someday when I stop loving you
I bet all I had on a thing called love
I guess in the end it wasn't enough
And it's hard to watch you leave right now
I'm gonna have to learn to let you go somehow
Somehow
I'll move on baby just like you
When the desert floods and the grass turns blue
When a sailing ship don't need a moon
It'll break my heart but I'll get through
Someday when I stop loving you
Oh someday someday when I stop
I'll move on baby just like you
When the desert floods and the grass turns blue
When a sailing ship don't need a moon
It'll break my heart but I'll get through
Someday when I stop loving you
Someday when I stop loving you
I absolutely love that song.
So yesterday wasn't a fun day. I'm hoping today might be better...it's a purple day. Which, if you don't go to my school you have no idea and think I'm crazy and see random colors on random days?
We switch back and forth from Purple days and Gold days (our school colors are purple and gold) and have different classes on purple days and gold days. How I just explained that was super confusing but I'm not even sure if anyone reads this that doesn't go to our school. I think..theres...one person. :P
Anyways.
I'm so tired of hoping for something to happen. I know I shouldn't. I know I should give up, and know that he'll never have feelings for me again. That the day when he stopped loving me was long ago. and that I'm pretty pathetic.
Is it stupid that sometimes, thinking about him makes me smile. Just to remember. and why are those memories so vivid? Why can I remember every heartbeat; every smile? Because I'm a pathetic little teenager I suppose.
and then I get a C on my science test! I CAN'T GET Cs! I CAN'T!!! I CANT CANT CANT CAAANTTT!!!!!!!!!!!! I. Need. Straight. A's. NEED. Them. Because my parents won't let me be in the musical next year if my grades drop, and they won't let me be in show choir. I. Can't. get. a. C. I CAN'T.
Jeeeezums. I'm way stressed out. At least I remembered my lollipops for play practice today.
YES, sir/ma'am I get to eat lollipops DURING THE MUSICAL. Because I play the role of Penny Lou Pingleton in Hairspray the musical and Mrs.K Said I have to have either a peice of gum or a lollipop in my mouth AT ALL TIMES. So I brought some lollipops to practice. :P Watermelon and Cherry. Tehe.
-Kiera
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Waking up.
Everything's starting to get a little bit better at a time...and I have that stupid dream.
I'm standing in some...doorway. And a billion guys are trying to get into the girl's bathroom (I have NO IDEA WHY) and I'm holding all of them off somehow with my awesome super powers. and he walks up and gives me the puppy dog look and I stare at him for a minute, and then he starts talking to me amidst all these people, taking my hand and asking me to take him back. My stomach is still in knots. Ugh.
Why are all the good dreams bad? That makes no sense. and yet it kinda does...i dunno. Maybe I have lost it. Maybe I'm really going completely insane.
I hate when people tell me "You can't do this to yourself over a boy." What am I doing to myself? Being sad? Hitting myself on solid objects? Not eating as much as I should? I'm not actually hurting myself. I'm still eating. I've only passed out once. and being sad is healthy. You can't be happy all the time and everyone expects me to. So I guess I'm tired of letting people help. Because people may seem like they wanna help, but no one really does. So I guess this whole act I'm putting on is working.
And so the tummy monster that won't let me eat has returned. O.o
Stupid dream.
It's not the dream that I didn't like.
It's the waking up.
-Kiera
I'm standing in some...doorway. And a billion guys are trying to get into the girl's bathroom (I have NO IDEA WHY) and I'm holding all of them off somehow with my awesome super powers. and he walks up and gives me the puppy dog look and I stare at him for a minute, and then he starts talking to me amidst all these people, taking my hand and asking me to take him back. My stomach is still in knots. Ugh.
Why are all the good dreams bad? That makes no sense. and yet it kinda does...i dunno. Maybe I have lost it. Maybe I'm really going completely insane.
I hate when people tell me "You can't do this to yourself over a boy." What am I doing to myself? Being sad? Hitting myself on solid objects? Not eating as much as I should? I'm not actually hurting myself. I'm still eating. I've only passed out once. and being sad is healthy. You can't be happy all the time and everyone expects me to. So I guess I'm tired of letting people help. Because people may seem like they wanna help, but no one really does. So I guess this whole act I'm putting on is working.
And so the tummy monster that won't let me eat has returned. O.o
Stupid dream.
It's not the dream that I didn't like.
It's the waking up.
-Kiera
Monday, October 4, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
I love...
Senses. Smells. Sights. Sounds. Tastes. Feelings.
I love the smell of lemon cleaning solution in the morning, because Mom says she has to clean the house before people come over, or just because she wants to clean. She does that sometimes. Or when she's nervous...she always cleans. I don't like when she's nervous, but I just like the familiar smell.
I love the smell of my grandma's house. Like a home..somewhere that's been lived in for a long time, and yet I could never be afraid there.
I love the smell of the sleeves of my favorite jacket. They smell like home. Sometimes at school, when I'm upset, I'll sit at my desk and bury my head in my jacket. It sounds stupid, but sometimes it actually makes me feel better.
I love the smell of a brand new book. The pages are always crisp, and new and make me hardly able to wait to begin to tear into the pages.
I love the smell of a bonfire in the fall...musky and dark and..somehow happy.
I love the smell of my worn-out baby blanket after my mom's left the windows open for a while. It always smells like..home? I dunno.
I love the sight of the sky on a cloudy day. Especially when the clouds are so big and puffy that it makes me wanna lay my head on one and fall asleep.
I love the sight of freshly cut, green grass. Bright, and perfect. Every little blade of grass exactly the same, and different in a way. Manicured perfectly.
I love the sight of a smile. A real smile. Not one of those smiles that behind it is worries, and hurt, and sometimes a broken heart.
I love the sight of my family in the mornings. We're all completely a mess. Hair twisted and tangled and eyes crusty and half closed from sleep. And yet, we always have something to laugh about in the morning. We always have something to joke around about. Something that always brings a smile to my face.
I love the sight of christmas lights. So many memories come with it. The twinkling white lights that we sat under while tearing open gift after gift on christmas morning year after year.
I love the sound of a page flipping. It somehow reminds me of a new start. Fresh.
I love the sound of the wind. Soft, easy, in a way...reassuring.
I love the sound of laughter. When my dad tackles me to the ground and I can barely breath I'm laughing so hard. Or when my whole family ends up in a dog pile of a little war, and we're all just laughing. Or when I go to the football game with my friends, and we can't stop laughing over something completely ridiculous. Even sometimes the laughter that's fake. The laughter that rings in my ears of someone else behind me. That makes me smile, even though it shouldn't. All kinds of laughter.
I love the sound of a crisp leaf, crunching under my foot in the fall.
The sound of the words 'I love you.' are my favorite. Even if they are a lie. Even if they break me.
I love the taste of my grandma's home made chocolate chip cookies. They're way too flat, and too cheewy, but they're my absolute favorite.
I love the taste of chicken noodle soup on a freezing cold day. The way the hot soup makes my mouth go numb and my fingers sigh in relief as my hands wrap around the steaming hot bowl.
I love the taste of a perfect kiss. Something I will absolutely, never, ever, in all of forever, EVER forget. Probably the most missed, and most memorable memory I have.
I love the feeling standing outside when the wind is blowing, and letting the wind run its fingers through my long brown hair, and staring up at the blue sky without a care in the world, the chilly wind nipping at my rosy cheeks.
I love the feeling of a real hug. Clinging onto someone and not having to let go. Just hugging someone and knowing it was okay. and burying my head in their shoulder and crying, and having them hold me and tell me it'd be alright. That I'd be okay.
I love the feeling of my heart shooting straight up in my chest, and everything in my body...singing. Singing with this wonderful, perfect feeling of happiness.
I love the feeling of looking at someone and not wanting to look away. and holding onto them, feeling that their heartbeat isn't normal. And you know they can feel yours isn't either.
I love the feeling of being in love.
Even if one day the other doesn't feel the same.
Even if these senses don't always last forever.
Even if someday, you might just lose them.
I still love them all the same. With all my heart.
They aren't things I've trained myself to love.
It just happens.
It's not controllable.
I just knew the first time I experienced them...
That I loved them.
I love them.
-Kiera
I love the smell of lemon cleaning solution in the morning, because Mom says she has to clean the house before people come over, or just because she wants to clean. She does that sometimes. Or when she's nervous...she always cleans. I don't like when she's nervous, but I just like the familiar smell.
I love the smell of my grandma's house. Like a home..somewhere that's been lived in for a long time, and yet I could never be afraid there.
I love the smell of the sleeves of my favorite jacket. They smell like home. Sometimes at school, when I'm upset, I'll sit at my desk and bury my head in my jacket. It sounds stupid, but sometimes it actually makes me feel better.
I love the smell of a brand new book. The pages are always crisp, and new and make me hardly able to wait to begin to tear into the pages.
I love the smell of a bonfire in the fall...musky and dark and..somehow happy.
I love the smell of my worn-out baby blanket after my mom's left the windows open for a while. It always smells like..home? I dunno.
I love the sight of the sky on a cloudy day. Especially when the clouds are so big and puffy that it makes me wanna lay my head on one and fall asleep.
I love the sight of freshly cut, green grass. Bright, and perfect. Every little blade of grass exactly the same, and different in a way. Manicured perfectly.
I love the sight of a smile. A real smile. Not one of those smiles that behind it is worries, and hurt, and sometimes a broken heart.
I love the sight of my family in the mornings. We're all completely a mess. Hair twisted and tangled and eyes crusty and half closed from sleep. And yet, we always have something to laugh about in the morning. We always have something to joke around about. Something that always brings a smile to my face.
I love the sight of christmas lights. So many memories come with it. The twinkling white lights that we sat under while tearing open gift after gift on christmas morning year after year.
I love the sound of a page flipping. It somehow reminds me of a new start. Fresh.
I love the sound of the wind. Soft, easy, in a way...reassuring.
I love the sound of laughter. When my dad tackles me to the ground and I can barely breath I'm laughing so hard. Or when my whole family ends up in a dog pile of a little war, and we're all just laughing. Or when I go to the football game with my friends, and we can't stop laughing over something completely ridiculous. Even sometimes the laughter that's fake. The laughter that rings in my ears of someone else behind me. That makes me smile, even though it shouldn't. All kinds of laughter.
I love the sound of a crisp leaf, crunching under my foot in the fall.
The sound of the words 'I love you.' are my favorite. Even if they are a lie. Even if they break me.
I love the taste of my grandma's home made chocolate chip cookies. They're way too flat, and too cheewy, but they're my absolute favorite.
I love the taste of chicken noodle soup on a freezing cold day. The way the hot soup makes my mouth go numb and my fingers sigh in relief as my hands wrap around the steaming hot bowl.
I love the taste of a perfect kiss. Something I will absolutely, never, ever, in all of forever, EVER forget. Probably the most missed, and most memorable memory I have.
I love the feeling standing outside when the wind is blowing, and letting the wind run its fingers through my long brown hair, and staring up at the blue sky without a care in the world, the chilly wind nipping at my rosy cheeks.
I love the feeling of a real hug. Clinging onto someone and not having to let go. Just hugging someone and knowing it was okay. and burying my head in their shoulder and crying, and having them hold me and tell me it'd be alright. That I'd be okay.
I love the feeling of my heart shooting straight up in my chest, and everything in my body...singing. Singing with this wonderful, perfect feeling of happiness.
I love the feeling of looking at someone and not wanting to look away. and holding onto them, feeling that their heartbeat isn't normal. And you know they can feel yours isn't either.
I love the feeling of being in love.
Even if one day the other doesn't feel the same.
Even if these senses don't always last forever.
Even if someday, you might just lose them.
I still love them all the same. With all my heart.
They aren't things I've trained myself to love.
It just happens.
It's not controllable.
I just knew the first time I experienced them...
That I loved them.
I love them.
-Kiera
Friday, October 1, 2010
You don't know me.
You don't know me.
4 words that confuse the heck outta me.
My head is...swimming.
Everyone keeps saying that "people change. You can't focus on who he was. You gotta focus on who he is now."
It's not like he's changed his name and moved to Siberia.
Things do change, but people are still themselves. People may be different, but somewhere they're still themselves. I may not seem like myself lately. It's because I'm scared. I'm even more scared that I was was before, because I'm scared I'll never be happy like I was again. I'll never get those little...heart butterflies. I want swarms of beautiful, bright orange monarch butterflies to take off in my stomach and reach my heart and make me feel like I can fly again.
I wanna wake up and know somebody cares.
I want a real hug.
I want to be able to trust.
I just don't know.
The other day in english some kid looked at me and says 'hey are you going out with that one kid?' and I could feel my whole body stiffen and my cheeks go aflame as I said 'I'm not going out with anyone.' and looked back to my desk.
'Well who were you going out with?' He'd pressed. This bothered me. It was none of his business whom I had dated, and honestly, I didn't know if I could push the name through my lips without bursting into tears in the middle of Communication Skills 1.
After muttering the name, of course I thought he'd leave me alone, but he looks at me again.
"Why aren't you going out anymore?"
I shrug, trying to look casual, but knowing my face was beat red and my my hands were shaking a little.
"I dunno. Ask him." I muttered. "He broke up with me."
and then I turned away.
I dunno why i described that but that kinda just...ruined my day. Then in 3rd hour, Ac lab, the girl sitting next to me goes...
"So how're you doing with the whole Jake thing?"
I barely even know her.
I just stuck my hand out and made the 'ehh...ok...' sign. Then. She says.
"Does he hate you?"
I like...froze. Who asks a question like that? seriously?
"I dunno. He acts like he does."
"Oh. That sucks."
And then my attention was shifted to the pages of my book. But really, I was pretty much thinking. Thinking isn't good for me lately. Which is why I can't wait to be busy with the musical and show choir and just...let go. And then I don't wanna let go.
Everyone figures I'm over it by now. I'm fine until someone mentions his name. My best friends know better than to do that. But yesterday at the lunch table, we were talking about something that just made me laugh until I wanted to pee myself. I think it was bush taming.
AHA. You do NOT wanna know. I promise you.
and then Kayla mentions something about him and I just stopped laughing. and turned red. again.
I'm so tired of it.
Why can't I just talk about him like we're best friends or something?
I'd rather it be that way than this.
and the fact that I used to tell him everything...and now I can't tell him anything? Because he pretty much hates my guts and wouldn't care if I hung myself in my closet tonight. PSh. who am I kidding. There's not enough room in my closet to hang myself. And I don't have any ropes. and I would never hang myself. If I ever killed myself (which I would never do) I would jump off of something reallyyy high. Because I'd get the adrenaline rush of falling and then die in a mere second. and I'd finally be able to fly.
But people who kill themselves go to hell, so that's outta the picture.
Now some other guy likes me. and I kinda feel bad. Because I'm an idiot and still have feelings for the guy that promised me forever and then went and dumped me over a text message.
And I just realized. It's october. In 6 days it'll have been a month since it happened and I'm STILL crying myself to sleep every night and imagining scenarios that I wish with all my might would come true?
I just wanna fix it. I wanna talk to him, and fix it, but he won't let me. He doesn't wanna talk to me. He doesn't wanna talk about it. He doesn't like me, doesn't love me, and now I'm started to doubt he ever did. and I really never thought I would say that.
He's right.
I don't know him anymore...
I guess he doesn't know me either.
-Kiera
4 words that confuse the heck outta me.
My head is...swimming.
Everyone keeps saying that "people change. You can't focus on who he was. You gotta focus on who he is now."
It's not like he's changed his name and moved to Siberia.
Things do change, but people are still themselves. People may be different, but somewhere they're still themselves. I may not seem like myself lately. It's because I'm scared. I'm even more scared that I was was before, because I'm scared I'll never be happy like I was again. I'll never get those little...heart butterflies. I want swarms of beautiful, bright orange monarch butterflies to take off in my stomach and reach my heart and make me feel like I can fly again.
I wanna wake up and know somebody cares.
I want a real hug.
I want to be able to trust.
I just don't know.
The other day in english some kid looked at me and says 'hey are you going out with that one kid?' and I could feel my whole body stiffen and my cheeks go aflame as I said 'I'm not going out with anyone.' and looked back to my desk.
'Well who were you going out with?' He'd pressed. This bothered me. It was none of his business whom I had dated, and honestly, I didn't know if I could push the name through my lips without bursting into tears in the middle of Communication Skills 1.
After muttering the name, of course I thought he'd leave me alone, but he looks at me again.
"Why aren't you going out anymore?"
I shrug, trying to look casual, but knowing my face was beat red and my my hands were shaking a little.
"I dunno. Ask him." I muttered. "He broke up with me."
and then I turned away.
I dunno why i described that but that kinda just...ruined my day. Then in 3rd hour, Ac lab, the girl sitting next to me goes...
"So how're you doing with the whole Jake thing?"
I barely even know her.
I just stuck my hand out and made the 'ehh...ok...' sign. Then. She says.
"Does he hate you?"
I like...froze. Who asks a question like that? seriously?
"I dunno. He acts like he does."
"Oh. That sucks."
And then my attention was shifted to the pages of my book. But really, I was pretty much thinking. Thinking isn't good for me lately. Which is why I can't wait to be busy with the musical and show choir and just...let go. And then I don't wanna let go.
Everyone figures I'm over it by now. I'm fine until someone mentions his name. My best friends know better than to do that. But yesterday at the lunch table, we were talking about something that just made me laugh until I wanted to pee myself. I think it was bush taming.
AHA. You do NOT wanna know. I promise you.
and then Kayla mentions something about him and I just stopped laughing. and turned red. again.
I'm so tired of it.
Why can't I just talk about him like we're best friends or something?
I'd rather it be that way than this.
and the fact that I used to tell him everything...and now I can't tell him anything? Because he pretty much hates my guts and wouldn't care if I hung myself in my closet tonight. PSh. who am I kidding. There's not enough room in my closet to hang myself. And I don't have any ropes. and I would never hang myself. If I ever killed myself (which I would never do) I would jump off of something reallyyy high. Because I'd get the adrenaline rush of falling and then die in a mere second. and I'd finally be able to fly.
But people who kill themselves go to hell, so that's outta the picture.
Now some other guy likes me. and I kinda feel bad. Because I'm an idiot and still have feelings for the guy that promised me forever and then went and dumped me over a text message.
And I just realized. It's october. In 6 days it'll have been a month since it happened and I'm STILL crying myself to sleep every night and imagining scenarios that I wish with all my might would come true?
I just wanna fix it. I wanna talk to him, and fix it, but he won't let me. He doesn't wanna talk to me. He doesn't wanna talk about it. He doesn't like me, doesn't love me, and now I'm started to doubt he ever did. and I really never thought I would say that.
He's right.
I don't know him anymore...
I guess he doesn't know me either.
-Kiera
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)