So a lot has actually happened since the last time I posted. I'm going to start by saying...watch the people who you decide to put your trust in. Sometimes the people you least expect to betray you, break you worse than you could've expected. Simply because you don't expect it. Because you trust them. But sometimes they take your trust and they mistreat it. So what happened, are you wondering. I was dating this guy. Who I was actually really starting to like. He decided he wanted to hang out with this girl every single day, and never invite me (who was his girlfriend.) So I talked to him about it, and he promised he'd invite me more to stuff and told me how he felt bad. So I felt better about it and thought that I could trust him considering he'd said he'd liked me since September. So I waited a few weeks. He continued to hang out with this girl who used to be my best friends. Every day. Never telling me about it or inviting me to any "adventure". It started to really bother me and my friends had started to notice it too. So I talked to him about it again, only this time, I told him I was angry with him and it turned into a little bit of a fight. I told him I was too angry to talk to him. Later he called me and broke up with me. Because, like I had kind of expected, he liked that girl. And had cheated on me with her.
It does not feel good to think about him with her. Especially after I had started to feel something for him. It wasn't some 'I'm head over heels in love and I'm dying of heartbreak" kind of thing. But it did hurt. A lot, actually. Because he was someone I trusted. And he promised me he wouldn't hurt me. And I had talked to him about how I had trust issues. How most people I trust have abused it and I just find it really hard to trust people. And he went and made that a million times worse. I'm beginning to learn to never trust anyone but myself. And God. It's really hard being hurt, over and over again. Finally opening myself up to trusting someone, and then being hit hard once again with betrayal. I just don't think it's worth it anymore. I don't want to be hurt again.
I know it's wrong, but sometimes I blame myself. What did I do wrong? Am I really not good enough for anyone? There must be something wrong with me. I'm 'undesirable' or something. I'm too 'naiive' or 'conserved' for anyone to be with. I'm not going to change that. I just don't understand why so many people have to make these promises to me and then break them. It hurts. I don't break my promises...I don't make a promise unless I intend to keep it. And it sucks. It just makes you think about how hurtful people really can be.
I guess this is an experience I can learn from. It'll teach me about trust and how I shouldn't be so quick-to-trust. Even though before this guy, I wasn't. I guess it teaches me that these walls I'm putting up need to stay up for a while. I can't let some guy knock them down just to hurt me again. I can't stand the thought of feeling like this again and again and again. I know I will. but it's unfair. I wish I were pretty enough that every guy wanted to talk to me. but I can't take a picture that looks perfect every time. I don't always say the right things. I've got a buttload of flaws. I just want to be with someone who looks past the flaws and accepts them--loves them, even. But I'm starting to think that's never going to happen. For some reason, they just have trouble holding on to me. I guess that's my problem. But it sucks.
Trust yourself. And trust God. Because people can be mean. People can be really, really, mean.
Sorry for being so depressing today. I'll talk about something more cheery.
I've been hanging out with my best friend a lot lately. I'm actually at her house right now. She's sleeping. Her name's Kimmie and I love herr. She's always there to listen to my problems, and anytime I need to talk. After the mean guy broke up with me, she stayed up to talk to me when I was upset, even though she had to get up at 7 to go to work and it was almost midnight. She's a great friend. I'm really lucky to have her. I feel bad because sometimes I don't tell her things because I'm scared. I can't even tell my own mother everything I'd like to talk about. I know she won't tell anything. But I used to be best friends with a girl who ended up being the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with. And telling everyone I was a freak and she didn't associate with someone like me.
You know what, Imma stop being depressing.
I'll post sometime. When I have internet:P
-Kiera
