I hate thinking. Because when you think, it leads to ideas. Ideas lead to feelings. and feelings lead to tears. and Tears aren't...aren't fun. Sometimes I wish I didn't feel. because sometimes there's feelings that you want more than anything to go away, but they don't. They won't go away and I'm afraid that they'll never go away. I'm not the kind of girl that everyone loves. I'm different, I'm bizarre. I don't walk down the hall and have all my friends say 'I love you Kiera!'. Sometimes I have dreams that aren't nightmares until I wake up. When I realize they're not real. That no one cares about me like I want them to. I feel completely alone. There's always something or someone better than me. I've been happy a few times in my life. Really, truly happy. I miss that. Sometimes I wonder if being happy was worth all the tears and sadness of not being happy afterwards. Looking back and thinking that I was happy and now compared to then my life is hell. But I hate telling myself that. I just wanna be loved. I just wanna feel special. Which is why some people think I like too much attention. I do like attention. I love being onstage and having everyone clap for me, and my team mates or the rest of the cast or whatever you wanna call it. I guess that's one of the many reasons I love the theater. and because it makes me happy. Being onstage. I'm invincible. I've felt like that once in my life aside from being onstage and I won't mention that. I'm invincible and no one can hurt me. I'm me yet, I'm someone else. I'm the person singing the song. I'm different. Which is why I sing all the time. Absentmindedly. Because...it makes me feel whole. Almost, at least. Music is the only thing that makes me feel wonderful again. Like I used to. I dunno what I'm talking about. I just know I feel lonely all the time lately. I'm going to california in a day. It's past midnight now, so yeah...tomorrow. Wow. That's close. I'm excited! I change the subject too much. I think I'm gonna go.
-Kiera
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Friday, March 11, 2011
The Little Things (and rants)
I've realized that I think; a lot. Too much. I know I've said this before, but it's true. My brain is way too busy. But sometimes, thinking is a good thing. It has its ups and downs. When I think too much, I'll make myself cry from the confusion of everything in my life. When I don't think, I end up doing something stupid. So either way, there's a chance of it ending up suckish. But it's okay to think. because when you really stop and think, you realize how wonderful the world. How sucky it is too. But to me, the things that matter most are the little things. When you stop and look at your life, it's not the huge things that happen that you really remember. It's the little things that happened during those big things. Like the memories of when you were little. You remember little things. I remember when I was 3, my cousin would come over who was a year older than me, and he would come over to the apartment alla time. And I was in love with Buzz Lightyear. I had dolls, action figures, stickers, everything. But he was afraid of him. And so my mom would tell me Tyler is coming over, and I'd run upstairs to my room and shove all my little buzz lightyear toys into my little play kitchen thing, and when he finally got to my house, we'd play in my room, and Buzz would constantly fall out of the little drawers. and I remember putting them away over and over. That's such a random, little thing to remember. But I remember it like it was yesterday. and I remember going over to my grandma's house when I was little, and she'd put on the old singing/music channel show and we'd dance around in the kitchen. I loved that. I remember from show choir trips. The way that you sit for hours and hours on end listening to a million different show choirs, and you go home and you hear choirs singing as people are talking. So someone would talk to you, and it'd sound like they were singing. A choir. Singing. Weird. But I'm not the only one who does that.
So news?
I'm trying out for the X-Factor. If you don't know what it is, it's a singing show that's new to America this year. My mom's friend Geri saw it on TV and told my mom she wanted me to try out. I told her I'd do it at first and then told my mom I'd think about it. But my mom signed me up for an audition anyways and now we're going to Chicago on the 27th of April to audition for a TV show. Not that I'm not excited or that I don't wanna do it. I'm way psyched. But I'm nervous and...scared. Not so much for the audition. I'm just kinda scared that I will make it. Because if I make it, I'd prolly have to give up school and show choir next year. I'd have to be tutored and I would be away from home...I don't wanna give up high school and everything. And everyone keeps saying 'but Kiera! You could be famous! You could be RICH!" What if I don't wanna be rich? What if I just wanna be a teenager for a while. Live my life as normal as it is now? I'm scared. I don't wanna tell my mom I don't wanna do it, cuz I do. But I don't wanna try out and make it and then back down. Maybe I just won't make it. My mom told me I'm thinking way too far ahead, and yes, I agree. but I like to know what's going to happen. I don't like to just...do stuff and say 'we'll figure that out when it comes.' no. I just like to plan ahead I guess. but Imma just chillax and see what happens. I'm scared and nervous and stuff but...I guess I have to be. We'll see. So wish me luck? whoever's reading this.
Onto another subject.
Do you ever feel completely lost? Like...you don't know anything and your confused and people are saying stuff about you that you wish they'd just shut up? Because you don't know who you are, you don't know what other people think you are, and you don't know who you wanna be.? Because that's how I feel. I mean I know I'm Kiera Loveless. Brown hair, Brown eyes. I love music, and performing. Singing is my passion. I've always dreamed of singing on a big stage with a million people in the audience and lights and all the ritzy stuff. I love feeling loved. That little feeling of your heart being squeezed is my favorite feeling. I haven't felt that feeling in a long time. At least not to the extent I wish I would. I'm insecure. I'm strong. I'm weak. I'm brave. I'm scared.
but who am I?
People seem to think I'm a freak. That's how it seems when people look at me when I walk down the hall at school. The freak with the stringy brown hair, clothes that look raggy on her, big doe eyes and too much stuff to carry. I just wish I could fit in sometimes. All those girls that walk around like high school is a breeze. They get a million hello's in the hall. They're always walking with someone. Everyone tells them how much they love them because they're just 'so cool'. and I'm the one who's always walking alone. Most of the time at least. I'm the one with friends who people step all over. and when I try and stand up for myself, people laugh at me. Because apparently I'm funny when I'm mad. I just...wanna be liked. I want people to look at me and think I'm cool. But I doubt that'll ever happen. I'm Show Queer. I don't even care if people call me that. It makes me so mad when I hear that name. I love what I do. I love it. and my school's basketball team made it to state this year. So everyone's freaking out and that's all they can talk about. Do the choir kids ever get any recognition? We work our butts off! We're going to a NATIONAL show choir competition this year. But no one cares about us cuz apparently we're all freaks.
Sorry, I had to get that out. I'm just tired of being unappreciated. I want someone to look at me for once and think Wow, she's really an awesome person. but no one does that. I try so hard to be the best I can be. I'm never full of myself. I give people advice because I love helping people. And I love the people I give advice to. but when I ask a friend for advice, or tell them something is wrong, All I seem to get is 'I'm sorry.' Great. I'm glad your sorry. That doesn't help me. Alright, now I'm just ranting. No one wants to hear about this. My mom said some people are good listeners and some aren't. I know who are. So...yeah. :P I guess that's all for today. I don't really have anything else to write about!
See yaa;)
Love,
-Kiera
So news?
I'm trying out for the X-Factor. If you don't know what it is, it's a singing show that's new to America this year. My mom's friend Geri saw it on TV and told my mom she wanted me to try out. I told her I'd do it at first and then told my mom I'd think about it. But my mom signed me up for an audition anyways and now we're going to Chicago on the 27th of April to audition for a TV show. Not that I'm not excited or that I don't wanna do it. I'm way psyched. But I'm nervous and...scared. Not so much for the audition. I'm just kinda scared that I will make it. Because if I make it, I'd prolly have to give up school and show choir next year. I'd have to be tutored and I would be away from home...I don't wanna give up high school and everything. And everyone keeps saying 'but Kiera! You could be famous! You could be RICH!" What if I don't wanna be rich? What if I just wanna be a teenager for a while. Live my life as normal as it is now? I'm scared. I don't wanna tell my mom I don't wanna do it, cuz I do. But I don't wanna try out and make it and then back down. Maybe I just won't make it. My mom told me I'm thinking way too far ahead, and yes, I agree. but I like to know what's going to happen. I don't like to just...do stuff and say 'we'll figure that out when it comes.' no. I just like to plan ahead I guess. but Imma just chillax and see what happens. I'm scared and nervous and stuff but...I guess I have to be. We'll see. So wish me luck? whoever's reading this.
Onto another subject.
Do you ever feel completely lost? Like...you don't know anything and your confused and people are saying stuff about you that you wish they'd just shut up? Because you don't know who you are, you don't know what other people think you are, and you don't know who you wanna be.? Because that's how I feel. I mean I know I'm Kiera Loveless. Brown hair, Brown eyes. I love music, and performing. Singing is my passion. I've always dreamed of singing on a big stage with a million people in the audience and lights and all the ritzy stuff. I love feeling loved. That little feeling of your heart being squeezed is my favorite feeling. I haven't felt that feeling in a long time. At least not to the extent I wish I would. I'm insecure. I'm strong. I'm weak. I'm brave. I'm scared.
but who am I?
People seem to think I'm a freak. That's how it seems when people look at me when I walk down the hall at school. The freak with the stringy brown hair, clothes that look raggy on her, big doe eyes and too much stuff to carry. I just wish I could fit in sometimes. All those girls that walk around like high school is a breeze. They get a million hello's in the hall. They're always walking with someone. Everyone tells them how much they love them because they're just 'so cool'. and I'm the one who's always walking alone. Most of the time at least. I'm the one with friends who people step all over. and when I try and stand up for myself, people laugh at me. Because apparently I'm funny when I'm mad. I just...wanna be liked. I want people to look at me and think I'm cool. But I doubt that'll ever happen. I'm Show Queer. I don't even care if people call me that. It makes me so mad when I hear that name. I love what I do. I love it. and my school's basketball team made it to state this year. So everyone's freaking out and that's all they can talk about. Do the choir kids ever get any recognition? We work our butts off! We're going to a NATIONAL show choir competition this year. But no one cares about us cuz apparently we're all freaks.
Sorry, I had to get that out. I'm just tired of being unappreciated. I want someone to look at me for once and think Wow, she's really an awesome person. but no one does that. I try so hard to be the best I can be. I'm never full of myself. I give people advice because I love helping people. And I love the people I give advice to. but when I ask a friend for advice, or tell them something is wrong, All I seem to get is 'I'm sorry.' Great. I'm glad your sorry. That doesn't help me. Alright, now I'm just ranting. No one wants to hear about this. My mom said some people are good listeners and some aren't. I know who are. So...yeah. :P I guess that's all for today. I don't really have anything else to write about!
See yaa;)
Love,
-Kiera
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Hold My Heart
Does anybody know how to hold my heart?
Love that song. Sara Bareilles. Once again. :P
So. Today was pretty much a freaking. Amazing day. Okay so I have this weird thing with my screensavers on my phone. It's super wierd, so don't make fun of me later for it. I can be a bit superstitious sometimes. (which is wierd cuz I'm super religious too...) So when I change my wallpaper on my phone and have a good day, I'm always afraid to change it, because I think it'll make my life suck. But my wallpaper was changed countless times today, and it did not change how my day went. Freaking beastly. I had solo and ensemble contest. SUUUPER FUN:D I'm in a mixed double quartet, a women's sextet, and I had a solo. All 3 of them got ones which is the highest score possible...and I'm going to state. I'm most proud of our Women's ensemble cuz I didn't think we'd do well. But I'm also waay proud of our mixed ensemble cuz we're all friends and its always really fun when we're together. We're pretty much a singing party. The beastliest party in the entire universe.
I just figured out I'm using BEASTLY a lot today.
So guess what...?
The word of the day is beastly. Because my day was extremely beastly in every beastly possible way that beastly things can be beastly. Speaking of beastly (Yes, I am going to italisize that word for the rest of the blog) I really wanna go see that movie. It sounds super good. I wanna see a lotta movies. But I don't have money and/or anyone to go with:/ But whatever. I'll go see it by myself and bring some stuffed animals...yeah. :P haa. It's a date! I hope tomorrow is as good as today was. I just...ahh:) GOOD FRIGGIN DAY. I love hanging out with my choir friends. And my friends *ehem. JAKE* ran all over the school with my purse and phone and made me chase them...up and down flights of steps. BOY, am I out of shape. and I don't enjoy my phone being placed into a guy's pants. That's just awkward. Extremely awkward. Just sayin'.
So...HAAA. I dunno what to talk about. I'm babysitting. Although...*don't tell anyone* I'm not really paying attention right now...they're in the living room watching TV. Okay. I'm totally paying attention. I am. I really hope i can end up falling asleep tonight. I can't take a shower until my mom gets home and my friend Eva is coming over tomorrow morning at 7 AM to curl my hair for show choir. She does a really good job, but my hair is so extremely stubborn, that it takes 2. HOURS to curl my hair. INTENSE. Tomorrow is Spring Sing. It's like...a dinner theatre type thing. we serve the audience food and all the choirs and show choirs perform. which means i gotta have 2 costumes. Well technically 3 because show choir has 2. We're singing some super cheesy Surfin' USA Medley. There's some girl/guy song. and Imma be all. alone. What a loser, I am. :P ehh, It's okay. I'll make an imaginary guy...my imaginary boyfriend will be there to stare at me awkwardly and sway back and forth. HA. I'll probably end up with one of my friends. who are girls. lol. I'm more excited to perform for Show Choir. I love show choir. Ahh. :) Tomorrow will be a good day...Please Dear God..help tomorrow to be a good day.
Okay so I have this instinct. I love itt. I HAVE to pray before anything big I do. and I haven't gone one night without praying in like...FOREVER. Sometimes its just a simple prayer, but I've started talking to God more. It's nice to know there's always someone there to listen. And really listen. So today I prayed before my solo, because I was WAY nervous and a million people kept slowly trickling into that little room (I think I might write a short story on my other blog after this:P I'm in the mood. Trickling. that's a vivid verb right there. and it makes me think of peeing. okay. off track. HA.) that I was FREAKIN OUT. And Amanda and Kimmie (my frannns) walked in and I just randomly started praying and Amanda looked at me like...of course you pray. ha:) Alright. Imma go write somethinn. It's gonna end up sucking. :P
Love yaa:)
-Kiera
Love that song. Sara Bareilles. Once again. :P
So. Today was pretty much a freaking. Amazing day. Okay so I have this weird thing with my screensavers on my phone. It's super wierd, so don't make fun of me later for it. I can be a bit superstitious sometimes. (which is wierd cuz I'm super religious too...) So when I change my wallpaper on my phone and have a good day, I'm always afraid to change it, because I think it'll make my life suck. But my wallpaper was changed countless times today, and it did not change how my day went. Freaking beastly. I had solo and ensemble contest. SUUUPER FUN:D I'm in a mixed double quartet, a women's sextet, and I had a solo. All 3 of them got ones which is the highest score possible...and I'm going to state. I'm most proud of our Women's ensemble cuz I didn't think we'd do well. But I'm also waay proud of our mixed ensemble cuz we're all friends and its always really fun when we're together. We're pretty much a singing party. The beastliest party in the entire universe.
I just figured out I'm using BEASTLY a lot today.
So guess what...?
The word of the day is beastly. Because my day was extremely beastly in every beastly possible way that beastly things can be beastly. Speaking of beastly (Yes, I am going to italisize that word for the rest of the blog) I really wanna go see that movie. It sounds super good. I wanna see a lotta movies. But I don't have money and/or anyone to go with:/ But whatever. I'll go see it by myself and bring some stuffed animals...yeah. :P haa. It's a date! I hope tomorrow is as good as today was. I just...ahh:) GOOD FRIGGIN DAY. I love hanging out with my choir friends. And my friends *ehem. JAKE* ran all over the school with my purse and phone and made me chase them...up and down flights of steps. BOY, am I out of shape. and I don't enjoy my phone being placed into a guy's pants. That's just awkward. Extremely awkward. Just sayin'.
So...HAAA. I dunno what to talk about. I'm babysitting. Although...*don't tell anyone* I'm not really paying attention right now...they're in the living room watching TV. Okay. I'm totally paying attention. I am. I really hope i can end up falling asleep tonight. I can't take a shower until my mom gets home and my friend Eva is coming over tomorrow morning at 7 AM to curl my hair for show choir. She does a really good job, but my hair is so extremely stubborn, that it takes 2. HOURS to curl my hair. INTENSE. Tomorrow is Spring Sing. It's like...a dinner theatre type thing. we serve the audience food and all the choirs and show choirs perform. which means i gotta have 2 costumes. Well technically 3 because show choir has 2. We're singing some super cheesy Surfin' USA Medley. There's some girl/guy song. and Imma be all. alone. What a loser, I am. :P ehh, It's okay. I'll make an imaginary guy...my imaginary boyfriend will be there to stare at me awkwardly and sway back and forth. HA. I'll probably end up with one of my friends. who are girls. lol. I'm more excited to perform for Show Choir. I love show choir. Ahh. :) Tomorrow will be a good day...Please Dear God..help tomorrow to be a good day.
Okay so I have this instinct. I love itt. I HAVE to pray before anything big I do. and I haven't gone one night without praying in like...FOREVER. Sometimes its just a simple prayer, but I've started talking to God more. It's nice to know there's always someone there to listen. And really listen. So today I prayed before my solo, because I was WAY nervous and a million people kept slowly trickling into that little room (I think I might write a short story on my other blog after this:P I'm in the mood. Trickling. that's a vivid verb right there. and it makes me think of peeing. okay. off track. HA.) that I was FREAKIN OUT. And Amanda and Kimmie (my frannns) walked in and I just randomly started praying and Amanda looked at me like...of course you pray. ha:) Alright. Imma go write somethinn. It's gonna end up sucking. :P
Love yaa:)
-Kiera
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