Think.

I hate thinking. Because when you think, it leads to ideas. Ideas lead to feelings. and feelings lead to tears. and Tears aren't...aren't fun. Sometimes I wish I didn't feel. because sometimes there's feelings that you want more than anything to go away, but they don't. They won't go away and I'm afraid that they'll never go away. I'm not the kind of girl that everyone loves. I'm different, I'm bizarre. I don't walk down the hall and have all my friends say 'I love you Kiera!'. Sometimes I have dreams that aren't nightmares until I wake up. When I realize they're not real. That no one cares about me like I want them to. I feel completely alone. There's always something or someone better than me. I've been happy a few times in my life. Really, truly happy. I miss that. Sometimes I wonder if being happy was worth all the tears and sadness of not being happy afterwards. Looking back and thinking that I was happy and now compared to then my life is hell. But I hate telling myself that. I just wanna be loved. I just wanna feel special. Which is why some people think I like too much attention. I do like attention. I love being onstage and having everyone clap for me, and my team mates or the rest of the cast or whatever you wanna call it. I guess that's one of the many reasons I love the theater. and because it makes me happy. Being onstage. I'm invincible. I've felt like that once in my life aside from being onstage and I won't mention that. I'm invincible and no one can hurt me. I'm me yet, I'm someone else. I'm the person singing the song. I'm different. Which is why I sing all the time. Absentmindedly. Because...it makes me feel whole. Almost, at least. Music is the only thing that makes me feel wonderful again. Like I used to. I dunno what I'm talking about. I just know I feel lonely all the time lately. I'm going to california in a day. It's past midnight now, so yeah...tomorrow. Wow. That's close. I'm excited! I change the subject too much. I think I'm gonna go.
-Kiera