Hey guys! MERRY CHRISTMAS! :) it's been a really good Christmas. I may not have gotten tons of presents or some big laptop or something, but I'm so grateful to have a family that cares enough to get me something. I got some really good stuff!
So here's an update--I got a job! I don't know If I've mentioned this yet but yup! McDonald's! Tomorrow is my first day actually working. Party!! :D 3-8! I'm excited but kinda nervous. I know it's just McDonald's but I just hope I don't screw something up. I tend to do that...o.o
I've felt really inspired lately. I don't know how to explain it. Just...I feel like I really need to do something with me life. I'm still juggling ideas of what to do after high school. I think I'll go to community college (for free with my A+ hours) for 2 years first and look into performing arts centers and stuff. Audition at Saint Charles and stuff. Look into record deals maybe (but that's a long shot) and then after two years, I'll go to a university and major in music and vocal performance and minor in musical theatre. Or I might major in music and musical theatre and minor in vocal performance. Haven't decided yet...but yea. And then I guess...see where it goes from there. I just know I don't wanna stop performing. Ever.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Monday, December 10, 2012
If your Dreams don't scare you, They aren't big enough<3
I can't wait until the day that people see me and regret making me cry. I can't wait until they look at me and think "well damn, I was really rude to her and I was wrong". There are days where I want to hop on the next train, plane or whatever the hell I can find, out of this town and go to L.A or New York and be somebody. Or at least try. There are days where I know how good I am and I'm confident in myself and who I know I can be. But more often are there days where I'm not sure. Who I am...who I could be. Sometimes I feel like my dreams are two big. I read a quote that really is just...me. If your dreams don't scare you, they aren't big enough.
I just feel like its perfect. Because my dreams scare me. A lot. If I'm gonna be honest with you, my ultimate dream is to be on broadway. Or just performing. All the time. Singing. Doing what I love for a living.
We just recently finished our musical, Copacabana. I played Lola La Marr, and I loved it. I can't even begin to tell you how much I love performing-especially musical theatre. It's just me--over the top, out there, big, bold...I just love it. It's something I'm truly passionate about. I love everything about musicals. From learning lines and going Crazy making index cards while balancing homework, color guard and show choir, to the final weeks of hell and perfection that I love. Everyone calls the last two weeks of musical hell weeks. But honestly, as pathetic as it sounds, they are my two favorite weeks of the year. Just seeing how much I love it, and how it overcomes the hard work and the stress...I can see myself doing this as a living. It's a scary dream. A crazy one. But I think if I work at it, maybe I could be a performer. I feel like sometimes I'm too unrealistic. But sometimes, I feel like, if you're going to be truly happy in life, you have to be. You have to look beyond your little Box of reality. Reach for the impossible. Because somewhere, past the lives we're living, beyond the barrier of plastic wrap we call reality, is a new reality. Where dreams can happen. If you put away your grumpy pants and stop being pissy Pete, things can happen. I know it sounds cheesy but honestly. You can do anything if you work for it and you don't give up. Invent the first time machine. Design the next big video game. Become America's next top model. Claim your fame. Do what you love. Because I feel like that's what God is calling all of us to do. Firstly, to love him and love others. And then, to do what we love. Maybe making sacrifices for others and for him along the way, but nonetheless make yourself and those around you happy. Happiness is contagious. So just be happy. You know know how it could affect a stranger.
I just feel like its perfect. Because my dreams scare me. A lot. If I'm gonna be honest with you, my ultimate dream is to be on broadway. Or just performing. All the time. Singing. Doing what I love for a living.
We just recently finished our musical, Copacabana. I played Lola La Marr, and I loved it. I can't even begin to tell you how much I love performing-especially musical theatre. It's just me--over the top, out there, big, bold...I just love it. It's something I'm truly passionate about. I love everything about musicals. From learning lines and going Crazy making index cards while balancing homework, color guard and show choir, to the final weeks of hell and perfection that I love. Everyone calls the last two weeks of musical hell weeks. But honestly, as pathetic as it sounds, they are my two favorite weeks of the year. Just seeing how much I love it, and how it overcomes the hard work and the stress...I can see myself doing this as a living. It's a scary dream. A crazy one. But I think if I work at it, maybe I could be a performer. I feel like sometimes I'm too unrealistic. But sometimes, I feel like, if you're going to be truly happy in life, you have to be. You have to look beyond your little Box of reality. Reach for the impossible. Because somewhere, past the lives we're living, beyond the barrier of plastic wrap we call reality, is a new reality. Where dreams can happen. If you put away your grumpy pants and stop being pissy Pete, things can happen. I know it sounds cheesy but honestly. You can do anything if you work for it and you don't give up. Invent the first time machine. Design the next big video game. Become America's next top model. Claim your fame. Do what you love. Because I feel like that's what God is calling all of us to do. Firstly, to love him and love others. And then, to do what we love. Maybe making sacrifices for others and for him along the way, but nonetheless make yourself and those around you happy. Happiness is contagious. So just be happy. You know know how it could affect a stranger.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
I always do.
You know I've learned. Sometimes...life just plain sucks. Sometimes you'll have weeks where you just don't feel like anything you do is worth it. But tomorrow is a new day. and somtimes, tomorrow will suck too. but eventually it will get better. if you keep telling yourself you'll be okay and don't constantly bum yourself out about whatever is happening, you will get better. I realize that I've become a lot stronger each time I've been hurt. Stronger, on the other hand, also comes with less open, less trusting. I hate feeling weak. But sometimes you have to be weak to get stronger. and it SUCKS. and i hate losing people that mean a lot to me. Whom I obviously do not mean much to. If all of them seem to leave me so easily and suddenly. without explanation. It's fine. i'll deal with it. i always do.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Awkward ol' me.
Gooood evening.
I'm really in the mood to write a song, but I can't think of the right words. So I'm blogging. You know--get the brain juices flowin?
Have you ever looked at someone--really looked at someone and realized how...fond of them you are? Boy, do I sound a bit awkward. Well obviously I'm not talking about one of my friends. I think you can figure this out. But sometimes I just wonder if anyone ever...looks at me. Like that. Yknow? How do people see me? Do they notice when I'm nervous that I twirl my hair and bite my lip? Do they notice that when I feel out of place I hug my arms to chest and look down? Do they realize when I want attention I simply look away? I know all of my quirks I could on and on..I sweat, embarrassingly. When I get embarassed, my face turns tomato red and a few minutes later I always have a little red spot on my chest. When I'm Upset, I open my eyes wider to keep from tearing up. And just the other day, as I was driving home, I sat a stop sign at the end of a street. Just sat there, and giggled. I'm kinda...out there. But my point of this is. I just wonder if anyone...notices those little things. Or notices me at all sometimes. Once again, I'm probably the most paranoid person on the planet. When I fall in love, I get crazy scared. I don't know of I'm the only one--probably--but I'm not one to approach boys. I get so. Incredibly. Nervous. Eve after I'm already dating them. Im too scared to walk up and hug em or hold his hand I'm always afraid I'll come off as clingy or needy. So I just...don't. Sometimes I just wish I was braver. I plan out almost everything. What will I say? What will I do if he says this? What if we go here? Freak out. I know sometimes there's no point in that. But I do it. My personality is just kind of awkward I guess. I get nervous and say really stupid things and then hate myself for it later.
I just hope that's not a super-fault and I'll never hold up a relationship because of my awkwardness. I don't try to be...I just anxiety very badly. It actually runs in the family. Anxiety attacks and crap. So I'm definitely not just making this up.
And you know what sucks? Having no control over being as paranoid as I am. You know the worst feeling? Getting a phone call and hearing "there's someone else" and then later realizing that it's affecting your future with other people. I can't get it out of my head. Can't help but worry that I'll get that very same phone call. "There's someone else". No. There can't be. Not again. And there won't be. Trust. It's happening. Slowly but surely.
I'm really in the mood to write a song, but I can't think of the right words. So I'm blogging. You know--get the brain juices flowin?
Have you ever looked at someone--really looked at someone and realized how...fond of them you are? Boy, do I sound a bit awkward. Well obviously I'm not talking about one of my friends. I think you can figure this out. But sometimes I just wonder if anyone ever...looks at me. Like that. Yknow? How do people see me? Do they notice when I'm nervous that I twirl my hair and bite my lip? Do they notice that when I feel out of place I hug my arms to chest and look down? Do they realize when I want attention I simply look away? I know all of my quirks I could on and on..I sweat, embarrassingly. When I get embarassed, my face turns tomato red and a few minutes later I always have a little red spot on my chest. When I'm Upset, I open my eyes wider to keep from tearing up. And just the other day, as I was driving home, I sat a stop sign at the end of a street. Just sat there, and giggled. I'm kinda...out there. But my point of this is. I just wonder if anyone...notices those little things. Or notices me at all sometimes. Once again, I'm probably the most paranoid person on the planet. When I fall in love, I get crazy scared. I don't know of I'm the only one--probably--but I'm not one to approach boys. I get so. Incredibly. Nervous. Eve after I'm already dating them. Im too scared to walk up and hug em or hold his hand I'm always afraid I'll come off as clingy or needy. So I just...don't. Sometimes I just wish I was braver. I plan out almost everything. What will I say? What will I do if he says this? What if we go here? Freak out. I know sometimes there's no point in that. But I do it. My personality is just kind of awkward I guess. I get nervous and say really stupid things and then hate myself for it later.
I just hope that's not a super-fault and I'll never hold up a relationship because of my awkwardness. I don't try to be...I just anxiety very badly. It actually runs in the family. Anxiety attacks and crap. So I'm definitely not just making this up.
And you know what sucks? Having no control over being as paranoid as I am. You know the worst feeling? Getting a phone call and hearing "there's someone else" and then later realizing that it's affecting your future with other people. I can't get it out of my head. Can't help but worry that I'll get that very same phone call. "There's someone else". No. There can't be. Not again. And there won't be. Trust. It's happening. Slowly but surely.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Over thinking, happiness, and my biggest role model:)
So, I'm a girl. (if you haven't noticed) And as most of you may know, girls over think EVERYTHING. well...at least I do! A know a lot of us do. Which kinda sucks. Especially when you over think about things that are fine and you make it seem like they aren't. And the you make something actually go wrong because your paranoid. I guess I can't help my trust issues. There's just always someone better. So I assume there always will be. But maybe there won't. Maybe for once I'm good enough for someone. I just wanna KNOW. Know that I'm good enough. That I always will be?
I don't know. Over thinking sucks. But sometimes it's good to over think. Sometimes my obsessive brain helps me...I get homework done...I do well performing and memorizing lines in musicals because I obsess. What can I say. When I care about something or someone, I get a little obsessive. I can't help it. I've always been that way. I care about my grades. If I don't have a A in a class, I freak out. I had a 94% in English (which is an A-) at the end of quarter this year and asked my tea her if I could do anything to bring it up 1% and I rewrote a whole essay in an hour just for that. Can you say nerd? And musicals? Don't get me started. My whole family pretty much know the whole musical before they see it because I practice so much. Same with show choir. I love performing. More than almost anything. It makes me happy. So I want to do my best. :)
So to catch anyone up-if I haven't already stated this. I have a boyfriend (I don't know if I've mentioned that...) and he is absolutely wonderful:)) I got the lead in the musical! I think I already said that but just in case--i said t again. I'm really excited. It's a fun musical. :) I got a SUPER awesome spot in express. Front center. Almost. It's 2nd row on the floor center--but no ones in front of me. So I love it. :) I'm pretty happy rightnow.
Been super bipolar because being a female SUCKSASS. Emotionally exausted. Right now I'm super happy though. Let's hope it lasts! I get to see my grandma tomorrow. I'm excited:) she's the kind of grandma that is just overly perfect. She's overprotective, warm, bakes good cookies, doesn't like when you eat twiZzlers because you'll "choke on them", and she's the strongest woman I've ever met. If I could pick someone to be like it'd be her. Or my momma. She goes to church EVERY sunday and sings in the church choir. When my first boyfriend broke up with me, she was there. I was at her house. And she took us to et. And shes just wonderful and I love her more than words. Everyone should get the opportunity to meet someone like my grandma. She has given me soapy memories. Dreamsicles and fudgecicles at her house. Sausage for dinner. Making paper dolls out of catalogs. Sooo many. I could go on for years. My gramma is perfect:)
-Kiera
I don't know. Over thinking sucks. But sometimes it's good to over think. Sometimes my obsessive brain helps me...I get homework done...I do well performing and memorizing lines in musicals because I obsess. What can I say. When I care about something or someone, I get a little obsessive. I can't help it. I've always been that way. I care about my grades. If I don't have a A in a class, I freak out. I had a 94% in English (which is an A-) at the end of quarter this year and asked my tea her if I could do anything to bring it up 1% and I rewrote a whole essay in an hour just for that. Can you say nerd? And musicals? Don't get me started. My whole family pretty much know the whole musical before they see it because I practice so much. Same with show choir. I love performing. More than almost anything. It makes me happy. So I want to do my best. :)
So to catch anyone up-if I haven't already stated this. I have a boyfriend (I don't know if I've mentioned that...) and he is absolutely wonderful:)) I got the lead in the musical! I think I already said that but just in case--i said t again. I'm really excited. It's a fun musical. :) I got a SUPER awesome spot in express. Front center. Almost. It's 2nd row on the floor center--but no ones in front of me. So I love it. :) I'm pretty happy rightnow.
Been super bipolar because being a female SUCKSASS. Emotionally exausted. Right now I'm super happy though. Let's hope it lasts! I get to see my grandma tomorrow. I'm excited:) she's the kind of grandma that is just overly perfect. She's overprotective, warm, bakes good cookies, doesn't like when you eat twiZzlers because you'll "choke on them", and she's the strongest woman I've ever met. If I could pick someone to be like it'd be her. Or my momma. She goes to church EVERY sunday and sings in the church choir. When my first boyfriend broke up with me, she was there. I was at her house. And she took us to et. And shes just wonderful and I love her more than words. Everyone should get the opportunity to meet someone like my grandma. She has given me soapy memories. Dreamsicles and fudgecicles at her house. Sausage for dinner. Making paper dolls out of catalogs. Sooo many. I could go on for years. My gramma is perfect:)
-Kiera
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Not Good Enogh
There will always be someone prettier. More talented. Better with guys. Better. Somehow. Just always someone.
I know I shouldn't post when my emotions are all outta wack like this, but I'm going to anyways.
I hate feeling like people don't want to be around me. Especially the people you want to be around the most. I just want to feel wanted. More than anything. I just wanna feel like I matter. I wanna feel special. I don't want to look at some other girl and think that I can't compete with her. Because she's just better. But I do. I wish my confidence was higher. I wish I felt beautiful. But I don't. I nitpick every little detail and I can't stand it. I'm just not good enough.
And I don't really think I will be quite good enough for anyone.
#depressingpost
-kiera
I know I shouldn't post when my emotions are all outta wack like this, but I'm going to anyways.
I hate feeling like people don't want to be around me. Especially the people you want to be around the most. I just want to feel wanted. More than anything. I just wanna feel like I matter. I wanna feel special. I don't want to look at some other girl and think that I can't compete with her. Because she's just better. But I do. I wish my confidence was higher. I wish I felt beautiful. But I don't. I nitpick every little detail and I can't stand it. I'm just not good enough.
And I don't really think I will be quite good enough for anyone.
#depressingpost
-kiera
Monday, October 15, 2012
Listen
It's just one of those days. Eh. I just need someone to talk to. Like on the phone. Or in person. Texting just doesn't always cut it. Sometimes you just need to hear someone's voice and know they are really listening. I just want someone to listen.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Butterflies
They come and go. Different people. Different feelings. Different ways. But when they do come, usually it is for a good reason. I guess my point is. They don't necessarily happen everyday. And not every person will give them to you. But the people that do, are the ones that can make an impact in your life. And I hope I won't stop getting butterflies anytime soon. Being able to smile everyday is a change I have been wishing for for a long time. Now I just pray itll be a change that will stay a while. I sure hope:)
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Smile
I know some of you don't want to hear another ramble about being thankful and not taking your life for granted, but I'm going to do it anyways, so tough monkeys. (totally just made that up-don't mind my awkward slang)
So I went to youth mass and youth group for the first time in a while tonight. It's very eye opening when you go without such an important aspect of your life for so long and then you get it back. Kind of like when you hold your breath too long, and when you finally take a breath, it's the most amazing, refreshing and satisfying feeling. Going to church today was like that for me. I know it may sound so overly cheesy. I'm not the perfect catholic. Anyone who knows me, knows I am far from perfect. But there are decisions I have made in my life that at moments, I have wondered if I should give in and do what I know is wrong. But multiple times I have done the right thing, and looking back, I am so glad I did. The decisions I have made through life have made me the person I am today. I know not everyone is lucky enough to have the life I am blessed with. I have a million things to be thankful for. And whoever is reading this-if anyone-you do too. I don't know who you are or what every aspect of your life is like. But you are beautiful and you are capable of whatever you allow yourself to believe. I guess I'm just in an inspired mood tonight but I just wish people would realize how incredible their lives are. How everyday is a miracle and every moment is an opportunity to do something amazing. Dont just slouch around everyday and be scared of the possibilities.
I think that is one of my biggest problems. Not acting on things because I am scared. Im scared to grow up. I'm scared to lose people. I'm scared for my life to change. I'm scared things won't work out. Everyone has something they are afraid of. For some there is more than others. But it's okay to be scared. Because being scared about something also means you care about it.
I've got a lot of insecurities. And sometimes I have days that I just concentrate on my faults too much. But I think everyone has that.
We talked about seeing the good in people today at youth. It made me think. There are people on this earth that have done some pretty horrible things. Mass murderers, child molestors, abusers, drug dealers, and all those...people. But if people learned to see the good in them maybe they would be more willing to be better people. I know, being a little bit too optimistic here. But think about it. Don't judge people because of something they may have done or anything you don't know about them personally. I'm not saying its okay to do any of those things. I'm saying those people have obviously made mistakes. Everyone makes them. Everyone has regrets. And that's okay. Everything that has happened in your life has happened for a reason. God has put every person that has changed you in your life for a reason. Every smile, every tear, every heartbreak, every fear (hey that rhymed!) was meant to happen. And although Im 16 and still a youngin, I feel like I've already learned a lot.
People are judging, jealous and just plain mean sometimes.
That's why you stick with the people who make you smile. No one is perfect. Don't give up on someone because of one argument or because of a petty thing. If someone is in your life they are in it for a reason. And maybe some of the people who have been in your life aren't meant to stay forever. Maybe one day you'll meet some people who are. It's about living it day to day and smiling as much as you can. And making others smile. Because a smile can change so much for someone.
I know this post is all over the place. My brain is on overload tonight. It's 11:30 and I've got to get up at 5:30. So I'm just gonna stop now. I'll probably post again soon.
Life is very, very good. :) more news tomorrow...or whenever I have time to post.
-Kiera :)
So I went to youth mass and youth group for the first time in a while tonight. It's very eye opening when you go without such an important aspect of your life for so long and then you get it back. Kind of like when you hold your breath too long, and when you finally take a breath, it's the most amazing, refreshing and satisfying feeling. Going to church today was like that for me. I know it may sound so overly cheesy. I'm not the perfect catholic. Anyone who knows me, knows I am far from perfect. But there are decisions I have made in my life that at moments, I have wondered if I should give in and do what I know is wrong. But multiple times I have done the right thing, and looking back, I am so glad I did. The decisions I have made through life have made me the person I am today. I know not everyone is lucky enough to have the life I am blessed with. I have a million things to be thankful for. And whoever is reading this-if anyone-you do too. I don't know who you are or what every aspect of your life is like. But you are beautiful and you are capable of whatever you allow yourself to believe. I guess I'm just in an inspired mood tonight but I just wish people would realize how incredible their lives are. How everyday is a miracle and every moment is an opportunity to do something amazing. Dont just slouch around everyday and be scared of the possibilities.
I think that is one of my biggest problems. Not acting on things because I am scared. Im scared to grow up. I'm scared to lose people. I'm scared for my life to change. I'm scared things won't work out. Everyone has something they are afraid of. For some there is more than others. But it's okay to be scared. Because being scared about something also means you care about it.
I've got a lot of insecurities. And sometimes I have days that I just concentrate on my faults too much. But I think everyone has that.
We talked about seeing the good in people today at youth. It made me think. There are people on this earth that have done some pretty horrible things. Mass murderers, child molestors, abusers, drug dealers, and all those...people. But if people learned to see the good in them maybe they would be more willing to be better people. I know, being a little bit too optimistic here. But think about it. Don't judge people because of something they may have done or anything you don't know about them personally. I'm not saying its okay to do any of those things. I'm saying those people have obviously made mistakes. Everyone makes them. Everyone has regrets. And that's okay. Everything that has happened in your life has happened for a reason. God has put every person that has changed you in your life for a reason. Every smile, every tear, every heartbreak, every fear (hey that rhymed!) was meant to happen. And although Im 16 and still a youngin, I feel like I've already learned a lot.
People are judging, jealous and just plain mean sometimes.
That's why you stick with the people who make you smile. No one is perfect. Don't give up on someone because of one argument or because of a petty thing. If someone is in your life they are in it for a reason. And maybe some of the people who have been in your life aren't meant to stay forever. Maybe one day you'll meet some people who are. It's about living it day to day and smiling as much as you can. And making others smile. Because a smile can change so much for someone.
I know this post is all over the place. My brain is on overload tonight. It's 11:30 and I've got to get up at 5:30. So I'm just gonna stop now. I'll probably post again soon.
Life is very, very good. :) more news tomorrow...or whenever I have time to post.
-Kiera :)
Monday, October 1, 2012
But I can't help it if you look like an Angel...
Sooooo. Life is very good. I don't think I've smiled this much in a very, very long time. You know when you're in one of those moods where you don't care what happens during the day, you'rejust gonna be happy no matter what the heck happens. That's how I feel. :) YAY! And the cast list for musical comes up today so I'm glad that I'm in the mindset for now. :) I really want the lead, but if I don't get it than im not gonna bum myself out. I'll take my chorus role and love it. It'll be hard but I will find out what happens. I'm crossing my fingers.
You ever have heart butterflies? You know when you like someone so much that your heart goes all gooey when they text you or you see them? Ha. I sound like some Pre-teen romance novel, now don't I? Well I'm just excited cuz I like someone. And I haven't really liked someone in quite some time. So it's a good thing. The thing with me is--I'm overly paranoid about pretty much everything. I make assumptions because past relationships didnt work out well. But I've been trying really hard to not think about that stuff. I just want things to work out--because things never work out. So wish me luck today.
:) -Kiera
You ever have heart butterflies? You know when you like someone so much that your heart goes all gooey when they text you or you see them? Ha. I sound like some Pre-teen romance novel, now don't I? Well I'm just excited cuz I like someone. And I haven't really liked someone in quite some time. So it's a good thing. The thing with me is--I'm overly paranoid about pretty much everything. I make assumptions because past relationships didnt work out well. But I've been trying really hard to not think about that stuff. I just want things to work out--because things never work out. So wish me luck today.
:) -Kiera
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Coloring
So you may be wondering what I may have to say about coloring. Yes, I do enjoy coloring. Who says a 16 year old cant color every once in a while? Sometimes you just have to get your mind off of the world. I know it may sound silly, but by picking up a crayon and coloring snow white and the seven dwarves, it's a bit like going on vacation. Something as simple as that can make your day a lot better.
I was hanging out with an old friend recently and when we're together we seem to come up with some pretty wacky things to do. I guess we bring out each other's creative, childlike side. Because we've been friends since second grade. So we colored a bunc of pictures and decided to do a little fun experiment. Who doesn't enjoy getting a cute little coloring page every now and then? So we went out in town (where she lives and I used to) and gave random people a coloring page. Our waitress at Pizza Hut, a family at Wendy's ect. After that as we drove around town, we waved to random people and told them to have a nice day. I know it may sound a little stanfe. Heck, if someone I didn't know gave me a coloring page or told me to have a nice day I wouldn't know what to do. But I guess it kind of shows how society is today. People are not open to new things. There are some people who you can tell do not mind your optimism and constant happiness. But some people seem utterly annoyed by happiness. I love making people smile. I don't see what's wrong with looking on the bright side of things. I understand that sometimes life sucks. I understand that sometimes you want to cry. And it's okay to cry! But to constantly complain about how horrible your life is and to not do anything to fix it, utterly annoys me. Be happy. I know sometimes the mere statement of saying you are happy is a very hard one to express. Because we are all not always happy. But there's always something to be happy about. If you are reading this, you are extremely blessed. You are alive. You are breathing. You can read this. Your on the Internet so obviously you aren't homeless. You may not realize it, but you've got a million things to be happy about. Sure, I don't have a boyfriend and people take advantage of me a lot. But I believe that every day is a blessing. Although some of them are harder than the others, I will never give up on making people smile. Because you never know what a simple gesture of kindness can do for others. Be an inspiration everyday. Don't be anyone but yourself. And color a picture. Make yourself smile. :)
I was hanging out with an old friend recently and when we're together we seem to come up with some pretty wacky things to do. I guess we bring out each other's creative, childlike side. Because we've been friends since second grade. So we colored a bunc of pictures and decided to do a little fun experiment. Who doesn't enjoy getting a cute little coloring page every now and then? So we went out in town (where she lives and I used to) and gave random people a coloring page. Our waitress at Pizza Hut, a family at Wendy's ect. After that as we drove around town, we waved to random people and told them to have a nice day. I know it may sound a little stanfe. Heck, if someone I didn't know gave me a coloring page or told me to have a nice day I wouldn't know what to do. But I guess it kind of shows how society is today. People are not open to new things. There are some people who you can tell do not mind your optimism and constant happiness. But some people seem utterly annoyed by happiness. I love making people smile. I don't see what's wrong with looking on the bright side of things. I understand that sometimes life sucks. I understand that sometimes you want to cry. And it's okay to cry! But to constantly complain about how horrible your life is and to not do anything to fix it, utterly annoys me. Be happy. I know sometimes the mere statement of saying you are happy is a very hard one to express. Because we are all not always happy. But there's always something to be happy about. If you are reading this, you are extremely blessed. You are alive. You are breathing. You can read this. Your on the Internet so obviously you aren't homeless. You may not realize it, but you've got a million things to be happy about. Sure, I don't have a boyfriend and people take advantage of me a lot. But I believe that every day is a blessing. Although some of them are harder than the others, I will never give up on making people smile. Because you never know what a simple gesture of kindness can do for others. Be an inspiration everyday. Don't be anyone but yourself. And color a picture. Make yourself smile. :)
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Trust
You ever feel down right ugly? Do you ever ponder if someone could love you for the person that you are?
I find myself wondering if I could ever allow anyone to love me. Not that I am ugly, or that I am beautiful. Simple because I do not know if anyone ever could. For the person that I am is sometimes ugly and sometimes not. And I wonder if there will ever be anyone willing to love both sides.
I feel alone some days. Like no one can really comprehend me and the world that I live in. Because I do not look at things the way everyone else might. I can smile through the toughest of times. I think that is something I admire about myself. My optimism. It may be something others dislike. The way I can always make something that others see as horrible, into something not so bad. People find that annoying about me. I don't know what is wrong with wanting to make people smile. What's wrong with wanting others to feel happy? I don't see one thing. I know this blog post is kind of all over the place. I've been wanting to post. So I'm just gonna keep posting disorganized things for awhile.
Trust. It is a 5 letter word that I will not allow myself to give. No matter how hard I try, it is as if the gift I would love to present to those I love is superglued to my palm. And I cannot give them my trust. Not anymore. Everytime I do give someone this gift, they make a fool of me.
I don't know. I'm done.
I find myself wondering if I could ever allow anyone to love me. Not that I am ugly, or that I am beautiful. Simple because I do not know if anyone ever could. For the person that I am is sometimes ugly and sometimes not. And I wonder if there will ever be anyone willing to love both sides.
I feel alone some days. Like no one can really comprehend me and the world that I live in. Because I do not look at things the way everyone else might. I can smile through the toughest of times. I think that is something I admire about myself. My optimism. It may be something others dislike. The way I can always make something that others see as horrible, into something not so bad. People find that annoying about me. I don't know what is wrong with wanting to make people smile. What's wrong with wanting others to feel happy? I don't see one thing. I know this blog post is kind of all over the place. I've been wanting to post. So I'm just gonna keep posting disorganized things for awhile.
Trust. It is a 5 letter word that I will not allow myself to give. No matter how hard I try, it is as if the gift I would love to present to those I love is superglued to my palm. And I cannot give them my trust. Not anymore. Everytime I do give someone this gift, they make a fool of me.
I don't know. I'm done.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Praying for Sage
So one of my friends from guard, Sage Smith was in a serious car accident a week from today. She lost control of the car and ran into a tree and she has even in the ICU In a coma since. If anyone is reading this, please, please find a place in your prayers for this girl. She is beautiful and strong and always has a smile on her face. Sage and I have never been best friends, but she's been in guard and I've had classes with her. She's a remarkable huma being and I don't care your beliefs...keep this amazing woman in your thoughts. Reading all these posts that her dad writes on Caringbridge.com makes me think a lot. This all happened in the blink of an eye. I can only hope and pray that Sage will be the same Sage that he was before anyone heard the words 'Sage' and 'accident' in the same sentence. And even if she is, I will still love her. Even if she isnt the same person, I will support her in everything that she does and every part of who she is. It's hard seeing someone every week (twice a week) and hearing about an accident like this over Facebook and not know if this wonderful person would be okay. I know God is taking care of her and watching over her. She will pull through this. Sage is a trooper. When I read the caring bridge post, her dad writes it as if it is in her perspective. It's beautiful. It is very happy just like her. And sad because I miss seeing that smile. I know we weren't BFFs. But when her dad posted a post that said something about Colorguard and whether people would love her if she couldn't twirl a flag or toss one or do Colorguard...it just hit me. It's Sage and...it's crazy. I realize how Colorguard camp has felt without her. I really am praying.
God,
Please help Sage pull through this. I ask that you are with her family and friends and especially her. And that she continues to be herself through all of this. I pray that she continues to stay strong and get through this like I know she can. I thank you for blessing me with being able to meet someone like Sage, and giving me the opportunity of having her in my life. I pray that I may continue to have this remarkable girl be a part of my life, and that she may continue to allow me to be a part of hers.
I ask all of you reading this...
Before you lay your head down on that pillow. Before you close your eyes and sleep easily. Before you forget everything you just read on this post. Think of Sage. Lying in that hospital bed. Think of her family. Constantly awaiting news. Pray for her. Be with her. Sage deserves it. And she deserves so much more.
Please. Pray for Sage.
-Kiera
God,
Please help Sage pull through this. I ask that you are with her family and friends and especially her. And that she continues to be herself through all of this. I pray that she continues to stay strong and get through this like I know she can. I thank you for blessing me with being able to meet someone like Sage, and giving me the opportunity of having her in my life. I pray that I may continue to have this remarkable girl be a part of my life, and that she may continue to allow me to be a part of hers.
I ask all of you reading this...
Before you lay your head down on that pillow. Before you close your eyes and sleep easily. Before you forget everything you just read on this post. Think of Sage. Lying in that hospital bed. Think of her family. Constantly awaiting news. Pray for her. Be with her. Sage deserves it. And she deserves so much more.
Please. Pray for Sage.
-Kiera
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Live in the Moment.
So this week has been pretty hectic. I'm in Colorguard (if you don't know what that is--it's the flags and rifles that do choreography in marching band) and all week week have Colorguard camp. Which pretty much means that from everyday, from 8AM to 5PM (with an hour break for lunch) learning the entire matching band show. It's pretty intense and I don't think I've ever been so sore in my life.although it has sucked, it's actually taught me a lesson already. In your first year of color guard, you are only allowed to do flag work, and your second year you can audition to be on rifle as well as flag. I made rifle this year and it's a lot more challenging than flag is. I've been getting really frustrated because I don't get it as fast as the other people who are on rifles. I kept wanting to give up and just say screw it. But I knew I couldn't do that because that would mean letting my team down. I got really angry at myself today but i was lucky enough to have a friend who is patient enough and doesn't judge me for being a slow learner. Sometimes I just feel really stupid because I don't get it as fast as everyone else. It's the same story for show choir choreography. This may be my 3rd year, but I still get confused and take a while to learn it. So sometimes I look around and see it clicking for everyone else and feel like the biggest, slowest idiot in the room. But I'm starting to understand that I'm just not the same as everyone else. I'll just have to work a little harder than some people who it comes easier to. I've worked on the rifle stuff a lot and I'm getting better...my point is. You can't just say screw it. If you want something bad enough, you have to really work for it. If you work hard enough, eventually it will come to you. Not always. Sometimes it doesn't woe out perfectly but working hard on something always makes the end product more successful. And another point...don't get caught up in the future or the past. Don't think you will never get something or that you messed something up that you will never get over it. It's okay to be upset about something that happened in the past r be scared about the future. But you just have to face it. Live in the moment. Don't concentrate too much on the past or future. Concentrate on the right now. It's a gift. That's why is called the present.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Waiting...
Good morning! I like this whole phone-having-Internet thing. :) so...today isnt going to be a very happy post. My grandma is in the hospital. She has heart problems and goes to the hospital a lot for this but this time is very bad. She's had to have her heart shocked 3 other times before today Today she will be getting it shocked. Ever since my mom told me about my grandmothers condition I've bee horribly worried and really...scared. If anyone is reading this...I ask you to please keep my grandma in your prayers. Her name is Patricia House and she is the most amazing woman I have ever met. She's the most 'grandma-y' person you will ever meet. She makes the best chocolate chip cookies and she always has candy to give us. Her house is my favorite place in the world. She can always make me feel better. When my first boyfriend broke up with me and I happened to be at grandmas house, she tried so hard to get me to stop crying. I really appreciate your prayers, if anyone is listening. I'm in tears writing this. I'm terrified. Please pray that she will be okay. Maybe even one day she'll come to my wedding.
On another note. I suck at relationships. I mean SUCK at them. I've only been in two...(which shows how horrible and undesirable I am) but both of them have ended because I suck at them. And I kinda just want to give up. I think I've been waiting for something to happen...and it's never gonna happen. I get my hopes up so easily. It's hard. But sometimes things you want aren't what someone else does. There's this guy that I think I might like (I suck at admitting I like someone). Hes a really, really good guy. He writes his own songs and wants me to sing with him in a coffee shop. It seems almost too good to be true. And then comes my trust issues. I'm assuming there must be something wrong with this guy when I know there isn't. I guess I've just been lied to a lot. With only two relationships, you may think that I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm not 'super experienced' heck, I haven't even made out with a boy and I'm gonna be a junior. Granted, I don't care about being 'experienced'. The thing I'm looking for in a relationship is...feeling something. A relationship where when he texts me I get butterflies and when I see him I cant help but smile. I guess when I entered my 2nd relationship I assumed it would be like that. You can't make yourself love someone. I have learned that. Love is not planned. (well, God plans it. You can plan it). It's so beautiful and spontaneous and...I just want someone who makes me really...happy. I feel like I haven't been happy in a very long time. The only place where I still feel that feeling of 'heart-butterflies' is onstage. I truly do. When I'm singing a song I tear up a lot. Especially if it's a very passionate one. And sometimes when I'm praying, God gives me heart butterflies. It's just amazing that he can love me even though I have made so many mistakes and disappointed him.
So I've decided I'm going to stop my waiting. I'd be waiting forever. I haven't told anyone about my waiting-I don't think I've even admitted it to myself-and I think it's time for me to realize that I'm waiting for something that will never happen. And waiting hurts. So I think I will stop. :)
Keep grandma in your prayers. Patricia House. It means the world to me and my family.
-Kiera
On another note. I suck at relationships. I mean SUCK at them. I've only been in two...(which shows how horrible and undesirable I am) but both of them have ended because I suck at them. And I kinda just want to give up. I think I've been waiting for something to happen...and it's never gonna happen. I get my hopes up so easily. It's hard. But sometimes things you want aren't what someone else does. There's this guy that I think I might like (I suck at admitting I like someone). Hes a really, really good guy. He writes his own songs and wants me to sing with him in a coffee shop. It seems almost too good to be true. And then comes my trust issues. I'm assuming there must be something wrong with this guy when I know there isn't. I guess I've just been lied to a lot. With only two relationships, you may think that I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm not 'super experienced' heck, I haven't even made out with a boy and I'm gonna be a junior. Granted, I don't care about being 'experienced'. The thing I'm looking for in a relationship is...feeling something. A relationship where when he texts me I get butterflies and when I see him I cant help but smile. I guess when I entered my 2nd relationship I assumed it would be like that. You can't make yourself love someone. I have learned that. Love is not planned. (well, God plans it. You can plan it). It's so beautiful and spontaneous and...I just want someone who makes me really...happy. I feel like I haven't been happy in a very long time. The only place where I still feel that feeling of 'heart-butterflies' is onstage. I truly do. When I'm singing a song I tear up a lot. Especially if it's a very passionate one. And sometimes when I'm praying, God gives me heart butterflies. It's just amazing that he can love me even though I have made so many mistakes and disappointed him.
So I've decided I'm going to stop my waiting. I'd be waiting forever. I haven't told anyone about my waiting-I don't think I've even admitted it to myself-and I think it's time for me to realize that I'm waiting for something that will never happen. And waiting hurts. So I think I will stop. :)
Keep grandma in your prayers. Patricia House. It means the world to me and my family.
-Kiera
Long Way Home
So for color guard we were supposed to march in the parade with the whole marching band today. But they cancelled it because the heat index is too high. Whateverrr. I wanted to march:(
The song of the day is Long Way home by Steven Curtis Chapman. Sometimes I don't feel as close to God as I used to. It makes me feel really guilty. I make really dumb decisions sometimes and sometimes I say things that make me feel like a horrible person. I guess that's just God's way of testing me. Of showing me that I have the choice to make these decisions or to follow his ways. Sometimes the bad stuff is so tempting. But i try really hard to do the right thing. And people sometimes tease me about being a "goody goody". I have never been to a party with alcohol. Ive never drank(unless you count the wine at church). I have never smoked or done drugs or any of that stuff. People tell me I'm so naive and that I don't know what I'm talking about because I haven't experienced any of these things. If I don't want to make these decisions, I won't. It's my decision to make, not for others to judge. And most of the decisions I have made, I will stand by. I believe in what I believe in.
The song of the day is Long Way home by Steven Curtis Chapman. Sometimes I don't feel as close to God as I used to. It makes me feel really guilty. I make really dumb decisions sometimes and sometimes I say things that make me feel like a horrible person. I guess that's just God's way of testing me. Of showing me that I have the choice to make these decisions or to follow his ways. Sometimes the bad stuff is so tempting. But i try really hard to do the right thing. And people sometimes tease me about being a "goody goody". I have never been to a party with alcohol. Ive never drank(unless you count the wine at church). I have never smoked or done drugs or any of that stuff. People tell me I'm so naive and that I don't know what I'm talking about because I haven't experienced any of these things. If I don't want to make these decisions, I won't. It's my decision to make, not for others to judge. And most of the decisions I have made, I will stand by. I believe in what I believe in.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
I still have something beautiful to give.
This iPhone is nice. I can blog whenever I want now! :) I can post more often! Not that anyone reads em. So I had a bunch of friends come over for my birthday and we had a lot of fun. We told scary stories and stuff. So I got a bunch of birthday money, and I bought an otter box for my phone, and an iTunes gift card. I love it. I got a bunch of new songs. :) I could sit I iTunes and buy new songs forever and never get bored(until I had all the songs...)
So have you ever felt unwanted? There's this song that recently I've been in love with called "Secondhand White Baby Grand" . Its from the show SMASH, and it's beautiful. The lyrics are so relatable to me. It's about a piano, and how although it's old ad passed down from generation to generation, it's still beautiful and has pushed through all the hard times. How even though it has been used by many people, it still gives that beautiful sound to every person that plays it. I guess I can relate to to it because lately I've felt really unwanted-everywhere. Like no one will ever think I am good enough for them. In many way. Like no matter how hard I try, I will never be good enough. Sometimes when I try for something and fail, I just feel like I'm not good enough for anything. I guess you could say I am very hard on myself. As you might know, I'm a performer. It's my life. A stage is truly the only place I feel like I belong. It's the only place that I am sure of myself and that I never second guess myself. When I am onstage I feel absolutely invincible. I can't exactly explain the feeling...but it's amazing. And so I sing a lot. Well people sometimes tell me they are tired of my voice or of hearing me sing. Its probably the worst thing someone could say to me. My voice is...me. I know it shouldn't define who I am, but sometimes I feel like it does. To most people I'm "the girl with the voice". I want to inspire people. Anyways. Off subject (I do that a lot). That song-secondhand white baby grand-inspires me because although I'm only sixteen, people have hurt me and I've been through a lot. My voice may have been used a lot...Ive gotten solos and stuff. And I don't want to lose the feeling of being onstage. I don't want people to get tired of me and toss me to the side like a magazine after someones read every page. I have more to give. I'm not just a singer. I'm a person with so many quirks and things about me. No one really stops to get to know me. I have so much to give. I don't want people to be done with me yet. My time to shine can't be over yet...I don't want to fade away. Although people have used me, broke me...left me crying myself to sleep every night. I still pull through. Even when I'm battered and broken inside...I "can still make a pretty sound" <---line from song- I ca still put a smile on my face even though I want to cry. I can laugh at the little things instead of crying about them. I don't want to be the dusty old piano in someone's attic. I still have something beautiful to give.
So have you ever felt unwanted? There's this song that recently I've been in love with called "Secondhand White Baby Grand" . Its from the show SMASH, and it's beautiful. The lyrics are so relatable to me. It's about a piano, and how although it's old ad passed down from generation to generation, it's still beautiful and has pushed through all the hard times. How even though it has been used by many people, it still gives that beautiful sound to every person that plays it. I guess I can relate to to it because lately I've felt really unwanted-everywhere. Like no one will ever think I am good enough for them. In many way. Like no matter how hard I try, I will never be good enough. Sometimes when I try for something and fail, I just feel like I'm not good enough for anything. I guess you could say I am very hard on myself. As you might know, I'm a performer. It's my life. A stage is truly the only place I feel like I belong. It's the only place that I am sure of myself and that I never second guess myself. When I am onstage I feel absolutely invincible. I can't exactly explain the feeling...but it's amazing. And so I sing a lot. Well people sometimes tell me they are tired of my voice or of hearing me sing. Its probably the worst thing someone could say to me. My voice is...me. I know it shouldn't define who I am, but sometimes I feel like it does. To most people I'm "the girl with the voice". I want to inspire people. Anyways. Off subject (I do that a lot). That song-secondhand white baby grand-inspires me because although I'm only sixteen, people have hurt me and I've been through a lot. My voice may have been used a lot...Ive gotten solos and stuff. And I don't want to lose the feeling of being onstage. I don't want people to get tired of me and toss me to the side like a magazine after someones read every page. I have more to give. I'm not just a singer. I'm a person with so many quirks and things about me. No one really stops to get to know me. I have so much to give. I don't want people to be done with me yet. My time to shine can't be over yet...I don't want to fade away. Although people have used me, broke me...left me crying myself to sleep every night. I still pull through. Even when I'm battered and broken inside...I "can still make a pretty sound" <---line from song- I ca still put a smile on my face even though I want to cry. I can laugh at the little things instead of crying about them. I don't want to be the dusty old piano in someone's attic. I still have something beautiful to give.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Sweet Sixteen?
So...haven't posted in a while. Today is officially my sixteenth birthday. It's about 12:30 so it's only been my birthday for half an hour. But still. I'm sixteen years of age now:) I don't feel any different. Or look any different. I'm just a year older. My parents got me an iPhone for my birthday!! I'm using it right now, actually. It has Internet and everything. I realize how incredibly blessed I am. I have amazing friends that text me at midnight on my birthday. I have parents that love me so much. I'm just really blessed. And I have a relationship with God. I'm just very, very, VERY lucky. ❤ thank you, Lord. For giving me the absolutely beautiful life I am living today. It's been a great sixteen years. And I realize all the days spent crying and feeling bad for myself...teach me a lesson. I'm a bigger person now. And I am proud of that person that I am.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
I am done, she has won. We've lost it all. The love is gone.
So a lot has actually happened since the last time I posted. I'm going to start by saying...watch the people who you decide to put your trust in. Sometimes the people you least expect to betray you, break you worse than you could've expected. Simply because you don't expect it. Because you trust them. But sometimes they take your trust and they mistreat it. So what happened, are you wondering. I was dating this guy. Who I was actually really starting to like. He decided he wanted to hang out with this girl every single day, and never invite me (who was his girlfriend.) So I talked to him about it, and he promised he'd invite me more to stuff and told me how he felt bad. So I felt better about it and thought that I could trust him considering he'd said he'd liked me since September. So I waited a few weeks. He continued to hang out with this girl who used to be my best friends. Every day. Never telling me about it or inviting me to any "adventure". It started to really bother me and my friends had started to notice it too. So I talked to him about it again, only this time, I told him I was angry with him and it turned into a little bit of a fight. I told him I was too angry to talk to him. Later he called me and broke up with me. Because, like I had kind of expected, he liked that girl. And had cheated on me with her.
It does not feel good to think about him with her. Especially after I had started to feel something for him. It wasn't some 'I'm head over heels in love and I'm dying of heartbreak" kind of thing. But it did hurt. A lot, actually. Because he was someone I trusted. And he promised me he wouldn't hurt me. And I had talked to him about how I had trust issues. How most people I trust have abused it and I just find it really hard to trust people. And he went and made that a million times worse. I'm beginning to learn to never trust anyone but myself. And God. It's really hard being hurt, over and over again. Finally opening myself up to trusting someone, and then being hit hard once again with betrayal. I just don't think it's worth it anymore. I don't want to be hurt again.
I know it's wrong, but sometimes I blame myself. What did I do wrong? Am I really not good enough for anyone? There must be something wrong with me. I'm 'undesirable' or something. I'm too 'naiive' or 'conserved' for anyone to be with. I'm not going to change that. I just don't understand why so many people have to make these promises to me and then break them. It hurts. I don't break my promises...I don't make a promise unless I intend to keep it. And it sucks. It just makes you think about how hurtful people really can be.
I guess this is an experience I can learn from. It'll teach me about trust and how I shouldn't be so quick-to-trust. Even though before this guy, I wasn't. I guess it teaches me that these walls I'm putting up need to stay up for a while. I can't let some guy knock them down just to hurt me again. I can't stand the thought of feeling like this again and again and again. I know I will. but it's unfair. I wish I were pretty enough that every guy wanted to talk to me. but I can't take a picture that looks perfect every time. I don't always say the right things. I've got a buttload of flaws. I just want to be with someone who looks past the flaws and accepts them--loves them, even. But I'm starting to think that's never going to happen. For some reason, they just have trouble holding on to me. I guess that's my problem. But it sucks.
Trust yourself. And trust God. Because people can be mean. People can be really, really, mean.
Sorry for being so depressing today. I'll talk about something more cheery.
I've been hanging out with my best friend a lot lately. I'm actually at her house right now. She's sleeping. Her name's Kimmie and I love herr. She's always there to listen to my problems, and anytime I need to talk. After the mean guy broke up with me, she stayed up to talk to me when I was upset, even though she had to get up at 7 to go to work and it was almost midnight. She's a great friend. I'm really lucky to have her. I feel bad because sometimes I don't tell her things because I'm scared. I can't even tell my own mother everything I'd like to talk about. I know she won't tell anything. But I used to be best friends with a girl who ended up being the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with. And telling everyone I was a freak and she didn't associate with someone like me.
You know what, Imma stop being depressing.
I'll post sometime. When I have internet:P
-Kiera
It does not feel good to think about him with her. Especially after I had started to feel something for him. It wasn't some 'I'm head over heels in love and I'm dying of heartbreak" kind of thing. But it did hurt. A lot, actually. Because he was someone I trusted. And he promised me he wouldn't hurt me. And I had talked to him about how I had trust issues. How most people I trust have abused it and I just find it really hard to trust people. And he went and made that a million times worse. I'm beginning to learn to never trust anyone but myself. And God. It's really hard being hurt, over and over again. Finally opening myself up to trusting someone, and then being hit hard once again with betrayal. I just don't think it's worth it anymore. I don't want to be hurt again.
I know it's wrong, but sometimes I blame myself. What did I do wrong? Am I really not good enough for anyone? There must be something wrong with me. I'm 'undesirable' or something. I'm too 'naiive' or 'conserved' for anyone to be with. I'm not going to change that. I just don't understand why so many people have to make these promises to me and then break them. It hurts. I don't break my promises...I don't make a promise unless I intend to keep it. And it sucks. It just makes you think about how hurtful people really can be.
I guess this is an experience I can learn from. It'll teach me about trust and how I shouldn't be so quick-to-trust. Even though before this guy, I wasn't. I guess it teaches me that these walls I'm putting up need to stay up for a while. I can't let some guy knock them down just to hurt me again. I can't stand the thought of feeling like this again and again and again. I know I will. but it's unfair. I wish I were pretty enough that every guy wanted to talk to me. but I can't take a picture that looks perfect every time. I don't always say the right things. I've got a buttload of flaws. I just want to be with someone who looks past the flaws and accepts them--loves them, even. But I'm starting to think that's never going to happen. For some reason, they just have trouble holding on to me. I guess that's my problem. But it sucks.
Trust yourself. And trust God. Because people can be mean. People can be really, really, mean.
Sorry for being so depressing today. I'll talk about something more cheery.
I've been hanging out with my best friend a lot lately. I'm actually at her house right now. She's sleeping. Her name's Kimmie and I love herr. She's always there to listen to my problems, and anytime I need to talk. After the mean guy broke up with me, she stayed up to talk to me when I was upset, even though she had to get up at 7 to go to work and it was almost midnight. She's a great friend. I'm really lucky to have her. I feel bad because sometimes I don't tell her things because I'm scared. I can't even tell my own mother everything I'd like to talk about. I know she won't tell anything. But I used to be best friends with a girl who ended up being the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with. And telling everyone I was a freak and she didn't associate with someone like me.
You know what, Imma stop being depressing.
I'll post sometime. When I have internet:P
-Kiera
Monday, May 28, 2012
50 Billion Topics--but mainly...Y ou A re B lessed
Hey hey heyyyy. I'm actually at a real computer for the first time in a very long time. I'm at a family friends house and this computer is actually quite fun to type on. (: So you know how everyone has the whole YOLO (you only live once) thing going on. It you have a twitter, you probably know (which, btw, follow me on twitter @mskieraloveless) . Well I think it actually has a point. It may sound kinda stupid. and no, its not an excuse to do stupid things. It's a way to say, not to live in fear all the time and not be afraid to try new things. Well, you really only live once (as a human...then you live with God forever and ever and ever...hopefully.) wow. I'm using parenthesis alot today!! (: Look there's another one...anyways. before I get TOO sidetracked...(I always do this....I have the attention span of a goldfish.--do goldfish have long attention spans? Who knows) WOAh. Let's calm down and start a new paragraph.
I find it very hard to let people in sometimes. It's hard to realize that not everyone is going to hurt me, but I can't help but think that everyone will. I guess its just better to only trust myself. I'm the only that will stay true to myself and not break promises to myself. (okay not entirely true...that diet did NOT work out). It's just crazy to think that people can be so...cruel. The stories I hear on the news every day. The things people have done to me can't compare to those but...it still shows the same creulty. Even if its not nearly as much. The last semester of this year we read a book called Night. (Heard of it?) It was pretty much a man's (Elie Wiesel) recollection of his time spent during the Holocaust. The things that I read in that book made me wonder how there can be such creul human beings on this earth. How can people do those things to people and think of it like "extermination"? It's just wrong. Of course its wrong, everyone knows that. But their race does not make them any different than anyone else. It's just really crazy to realize that living, breathing human beings did that people just like themselves. They assunmed that because they were a different race, that they were not the same species or something. I wish people would realize how truly precious life is. My aunt was in a car accident before I was born. A drunk driver hit her car when her whole family was in it. Everyone in the car was okay, except for her...she's alive. But she's been in the nursing home ever since. She's not the same person. I never knew her, but she was my mom's sister, and when I hear my mom talk about her, I wish I could've known her. In the blink of an eye, your life can be changed forever. Everything you have worked for can be ripped from your grasp in a few seconds. The man who was intoxicated who was involved in the accident didn't go to jail. He's out there living a normal life while an innocent person, who had a family, while her life is changed forever. It's horrible to think that people make those decisions. I'm already seeing people I know make similiar decisions. Wanting me to go to a party after Prom, and I refuse. People call me naiive because I don't like putting myself in those types of situations. I am almost 16 years old. Not 21. No, I will not go out and drink with you, because it's illegal and...I don't want to be someone I'm not. I just won't do it. I hate when people make assumptions about me because of my "inexperience." but we've already talked about this. New subject.
I want to try out for American Idol this summer. I'm going to be 16 on July 5th. It's always been my dream...I know it sounds silly. But the thing is, the audition is a day before we're supposed to leave for vacation, and I could possibly be asked to come back multiple days after the audition if I advance to further auditions (which would be a good and bad thing). Another thing is, we don't have enough money to cover the hotel and gas costs. It's a lot of pressure if I go...I don't want to dissapoint anyone. I seem to always have a lot of pressure...People have a lot of faith in me, and sometimes I wonder if they should. I love singing, and music, and I've never been so passionate about anything (except my faith) in my life. There is nothing in the world that makes me happier than singing on a stage and hearing the crowd clap for ME. When I'm onstage, I feel like I belong somewhere. It's a place where people appreciate me, and a place where there is no one to ricicule me and make me feel insecure. It's home. I know I'm getting a little cheesy, but it's true. If I could pick one place to go to everyday and I would never get tired of it, it'd be onstage. The adreneline rush always comes. The feeling of being completely invincable. I would do anything to be able to be onstage all the time. and everytime I think of being onstage, I feel happy. I know it's the one thing that I don't have to worry about people judging me...even though I know they will. It's one of the only things that I sincerely do not care what others think of me. I am me, and if people do not like it, they just gotta accept it. Lately I've been feeling a little out of place. Like everywhere I go, I don't fit in; don't belong. Like people just don't want me around. At the beginning of Sophomore year, I felt like I belonged in our group of friends. I sincerely thought that I had a great group of friends that all loved me. Now I'm not so sure. Sometimes I feel like people only want me around when I'm successful at something. When I win best soloist--everyone is my best friend. But when I don't win anything, there is not one person there to tell me that they are proud of me even if I didn't win. There isn't a soul that seems to care if I am upset or not. I suppose thats a little selfish. I'm sorry. I am a bit of an attention seeker. I can't help it. I really don't know who my friends are right now. I have a few friends that I can talk to about stuff but some of them just don't seem to care sometimes. I used to always have that one friend that I texted day and night, hung out with 24/7 and could tell anything. I don't have that now. It kinda sucks.
We've changed subjects a lot up in herr....I wanna change it a lot. Hey, I don't have internet at my house so I've got to roll through about 50 million subjects. I've needed to get this off my chest.
I know I've said this before, but I just want to remind everyone who is reading this how blessed they are. If you are reading this, you must have internet, and you are probably not homeless. I've got a roof over my head...a family that loves me. Great people in my life. and I have a voice that I am not afraid to use no matter what anyone says. God truly has blessed me. I know it may sound silly, but if anyone is reading this right now, I'd like you to look at your life and realize how truly blessed you are. Sometimes we take all of the amazing things and people for granted. We've got a beautiful world to live in. And the people around us might not be perfect, but God did not create us to be perfect. He gave us free will so that we could make mistakes and learn from him. and so that we could choose to do good, not do it because we have to. I know sometimes it feels like there is not a person that loves you. No person that cares about how you feel. But there is. God. I know, I know, if your not religious, I'm getting annoying. I don't care. God is there whether you like it or not. He loves you more than anyone could. I haven't been to church in a while, but...I pray everynight. and I can honestly tell you that every single night before I go to bed, I thank God for blessing me with such a beautiful life. I challenge you to do the same.
I find it very hard to let people in sometimes. It's hard to realize that not everyone is going to hurt me, but I can't help but think that everyone will. I guess its just better to only trust myself. I'm the only that will stay true to myself and not break promises to myself. (okay not entirely true...that diet did NOT work out). It's just crazy to think that people can be so...cruel. The stories I hear on the news every day. The things people have done to me can't compare to those but...it still shows the same creulty. Even if its not nearly as much. The last semester of this year we read a book called Night. (Heard of it?) It was pretty much a man's (Elie Wiesel) recollection of his time spent during the Holocaust. The things that I read in that book made me wonder how there can be such creul human beings on this earth. How can people do those things to people and think of it like "extermination"? It's just wrong. Of course its wrong, everyone knows that. But their race does not make them any different than anyone else. It's just really crazy to realize that living, breathing human beings did that people just like themselves. They assunmed that because they were a different race, that they were not the same species or something. I wish people would realize how truly precious life is. My aunt was in a car accident before I was born. A drunk driver hit her car when her whole family was in it. Everyone in the car was okay, except for her...she's alive. But she's been in the nursing home ever since. She's not the same person. I never knew her, but she was my mom's sister, and when I hear my mom talk about her, I wish I could've known her. In the blink of an eye, your life can be changed forever. Everything you have worked for can be ripped from your grasp in a few seconds. The man who was intoxicated who was involved in the accident didn't go to jail. He's out there living a normal life while an innocent person, who had a family, while her life is changed forever. It's horrible to think that people make those decisions. I'm already seeing people I know make similiar decisions. Wanting me to go to a party after Prom, and I refuse. People call me naiive because I don't like putting myself in those types of situations. I am almost 16 years old. Not 21. No, I will not go out and drink with you, because it's illegal and...I don't want to be someone I'm not. I just won't do it. I hate when people make assumptions about me because of my "inexperience." but we've already talked about this. New subject.
I want to try out for American Idol this summer. I'm going to be 16 on July 5th. It's always been my dream...I know it sounds silly. But the thing is, the audition is a day before we're supposed to leave for vacation, and I could possibly be asked to come back multiple days after the audition if I advance to further auditions (which would be a good and bad thing). Another thing is, we don't have enough money to cover the hotel and gas costs. It's a lot of pressure if I go...I don't want to dissapoint anyone. I seem to always have a lot of pressure...People have a lot of faith in me, and sometimes I wonder if they should. I love singing, and music, and I've never been so passionate about anything (except my faith) in my life. There is nothing in the world that makes me happier than singing on a stage and hearing the crowd clap for ME. When I'm onstage, I feel like I belong somewhere. It's a place where people appreciate me, and a place where there is no one to ricicule me and make me feel insecure. It's home. I know I'm getting a little cheesy, but it's true. If I could pick one place to go to everyday and I would never get tired of it, it'd be onstage. The adreneline rush always comes. The feeling of being completely invincable. I would do anything to be able to be onstage all the time. and everytime I think of being onstage, I feel happy. I know it's the one thing that I don't have to worry about people judging me...even though I know they will. It's one of the only things that I sincerely do not care what others think of me. I am me, and if people do not like it, they just gotta accept it. Lately I've been feeling a little out of place. Like everywhere I go, I don't fit in; don't belong. Like people just don't want me around. At the beginning of Sophomore year, I felt like I belonged in our group of friends. I sincerely thought that I had a great group of friends that all loved me. Now I'm not so sure. Sometimes I feel like people only want me around when I'm successful at something. When I win best soloist--everyone is my best friend. But when I don't win anything, there is not one person there to tell me that they are proud of me even if I didn't win. There isn't a soul that seems to care if I am upset or not. I suppose thats a little selfish. I'm sorry. I am a bit of an attention seeker. I can't help it. I really don't know who my friends are right now. I have a few friends that I can talk to about stuff but some of them just don't seem to care sometimes. I used to always have that one friend that I texted day and night, hung out with 24/7 and could tell anything. I don't have that now. It kinda sucks.
We've changed subjects a lot up in herr....I wanna change it a lot. Hey, I don't have internet at my house so I've got to roll through about 50 million subjects. I've needed to get this off my chest.
I know I've said this before, but I just want to remind everyone who is reading this how blessed they are. If you are reading this, you must have internet, and you are probably not homeless. I've got a roof over my head...a family that loves me. Great people in my life. and I have a voice that I am not afraid to use no matter what anyone says. God truly has blessed me. I know it may sound silly, but if anyone is reading this right now, I'd like you to look at your life and realize how truly blessed you are. Sometimes we take all of the amazing things and people for granted. We've got a beautiful world to live in. And the people around us might not be perfect, but God did not create us to be perfect. He gave us free will so that we could make mistakes and learn from him. and so that we could choose to do good, not do it because we have to. I know sometimes it feels like there is not a person that loves you. No person that cares about how you feel. But there is. God. I know, I know, if your not religious, I'm getting annoying. I don't care. God is there whether you like it or not. He loves you more than anyone could. I haven't been to church in a while, but...I pray everynight. and I can honestly tell you that every single night before I go to bed, I thank God for blessing me with such a beautiful life. I challenge you to do the same.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Trust
Trust. Such a complicated word. How does one earn another's trust? So easily broken. In a single second, a billion promises can be broken. A million words of love can be identified as a complete lie in only a few short words. And then another will come along, saying similar words to build trust in you. And you can't help thinking that this new individual is only scheming to the same as the first, and the second. If so many people have taken trust and twisted it, throwing all the empty broken promises into your face like it is merely a silver spoon, needed to be put back in the drawer after being cleaned, why is this new person expected to be any different. How is anyone supposed to know who will not betray them, or if there is even a single person on this earth that is worthy of a full, respected and unguarded trust. We are human beings and unfortunately, trustworthiness is not our forte. It. Sucks. Imma stop sounding allsmart and talk like Kiera now. If you understood what I was talking about...it sucks when you trust someone and they let you down. And other people ask for my trust and I'm just...scared. I'm scared that they will do the same. I hate doing this to the people who may actually be worthy of my trust. I'm ny letting them in as easily as the first ones to betray me. And I know that's unfair to them. But it's also more fair to me. because I don't deserve to feel that so many times. From different people, or repeatedly from one person? Why. I guess thats what I have to figure out. Whoever isnt going to letme down...those are the people who belong in my life. The people that deserve my trust. The people who will make me the happiest.
-Kiera
Friday, April 20, 2012
Somebody that I used to know.
Alright so we know how everyone thinks I'm incredibly naive right? Goody-goody? Well recently I've been talking to my friends about Prom and we're all planning what to do before and after. My friends invited me to a sleepover at my friends house and I was planning on going until my friend says "Were gonna try and get some alcohol. I think we'll have some." and I immediately didn't want to be there. You may think it sounds silly or goody-goody but I don't want to put myself in that situation. I dont want people to see me as someone I am not. I don't want to present myself in a way that is not controlled. I am who I am and I won't let any level of alcohol change that. I don't care if you are my "best friends". You do what you wish but your going to have to accept who I am. I don't drink. I don't smoke or do any type of drug. Im conservative sometimes, yes. But is that a reason to treat me differently? No. You are sorely mistaken if your idea of fun is getting yourself so drunk that you have no idea who you are. They you have no control of your decisions and that you will not remember it in the morning as you complain about your migraine and throw up over the toilet. That was your decision, and it will not be mine. I will not. I'm sorry but No ones opinion wil phase me. And if these people truly are my best friends, they would understand. But sometimes I don't think they are. They sure as heck don't treat me like it. They don't tell me things because when they do, I give them advice. I'm sorry if I care about you enough to worry what your getting yourself into. Maybe i should just stop caring. Nobody listens to me anyways. My opinion simply just doesn't matter because I havent experience these things. Because "Kiera doesn't understand." well screw that. I know enough to understand that what your doing is stupid, dangerous and no the person I want to be. And if you can't deal with that, I'm sorry but we can't be friends. Because I won't change for anyone. No exceptions. I guess I'm finding out who my real friends are everyday. I dream of a day where I have a best friend who I can count on. Who will text me when i need them. Who won't cut me off and then talk to me when it's convenient. I need to stop making excuses for everyones behavior. Because I'm tired of being hurt by people I trust.
-Kiera
-Kiera
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Real
Hey guys. I wanted to write but might be cut off cuz it looks like it's going to rain. So lately I've just been kinda...pissy I guess. People constantly feel the need to say mean things about me. It got to a point to where I'd walk up to a group of friends and theyd all shut up. I wonder who they were talking about? It just upsets me what I hear people say. As you know, music is my world. I sing nonstop and I absolutely love it. I practice all the time, and anyone who knows me, knows that. There's always a song that I am practicing around the house and in my bedroom. People say that I don't deserve another solo, and I get things handed to me on a silver platter and that I don't work for things. I work my ass off all the time and all I get is my so called 'friends' talking about me behind my back about how I don't deserve anything. I really do work. Music is the only thing Im good at and it's not my fault that I get solos...I work for them and I love getting them! I just wish people would try to understand my situation. I'm always there for my friends when they need me and they go behind my back and say these horrible things. And they wonder why I only go to a select few for advice. While were on Thr subject of friends, I wanna thank Jake since he thanked me In his last blog post:P he's a really great friend and we've been through a lot, which I think shows how strong of friends we are. AND were gonna be famous soon. So no big deal or anything. (; he's pretty much the only one who reads this sp...Thanks! :P
I took my very first voice lesson on Friday. It was awesome. It makes me nervous aboutthe future. I don't want to be some classical singer who teaches as a college or an opera singer somewhere. That's not me. I think the thing I'm most afraid about is losing myself. Myself I mean, like, my music. The music that defines me. I'm trying out for American Idol this summer. Im not getting my hopes up, simply because I don't have a story. I know I've already talked about this but why can't we have people out there who are simply talented? They don't have to have some horrible, heart-wrenching story but instead, they are, simple and raw and just themselves. We need someone who is REAL. who doesn't stress their sob stories so that they can make it. Which I refuse to do. I could go up there and tell them about plenty of sad stories in my life, but I won't. Because I want to be loved for who I am, who I have made of myself. NOT for what has torn me down made me cry. I wanna be real.
Kay, getting intense here. I'm gonna go because I think my dog really wants to go inside, and because I'm all out of topics.
-Kiera
I took my very first voice lesson on Friday. It was awesome. It makes me nervous aboutthe future. I don't want to be some classical singer who teaches as a college or an opera singer somewhere. That's not me. I think the thing I'm most afraid about is losing myself. Myself I mean, like, my music. The music that defines me. I'm trying out for American Idol this summer. Im not getting my hopes up, simply because I don't have a story. I know I've already talked about this but why can't we have people out there who are simply talented? They don't have to have some horrible, heart-wrenching story but instead, they are, simple and raw and just themselves. We need someone who is REAL. who doesn't stress their sob stories so that they can make it. Which I refuse to do. I could go up there and tell them about plenty of sad stories in my life, but I won't. Because I want to be loved for who I am, who I have made of myself. NOT for what has torn me down made me cry. I wanna be real.
Kay, getting intense here. I'm gonna go because I think my dog really wants to go inside, and because I'm all out of topics.
-Kiera
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Hey(: haven't written in a while. I know. Guess I just kinda lazy. Not that anyone reads this. :P So since I last wrote, a lot has happened. I have a boyfriend, and he's a really great guy. I'm very lucky(: at our last show choir competition (best competition everrrrrrrrr) we finally beat mount Zion which we have never beat!!!! I got best soloist again. I got a full scholarship to Show Choir camps of America which if I was to pay for it, it'd be over $600. So I'm so blessed. It's really an awesome feeling that I will never be able to explain. All our hard work paid off this year. And all my constant singing of you and I paid off. I've got two trophies in my room to prove it(: alight I don't have much more to say...
-Kiera
-Kiera
Monday, March 19, 2012
Somebodys eyes are watchin...
Hey there, blogger. So I usually don't have wifi at my house. But we figured out that if you sit on the trampoline in our backyard, we have it!!! So each time I post that's probably where I'll be. It's beautiful outside today. It was super hot earlier but the wind picked up so now it's nice. It'll take a while to brush out my hair though...having hair like mine, sucks you know. :P I don't really know what I wanna talk about today.
Have you ever had a friend or someone you know that always seems to talk in code. I hate when people are all confusing and make me confused. Ha. That sounds odd. It's true though. Maybe it's because I can be a bit dim at times. But still. I can't stand when people play games with me. They don't realize what they're doing could be hurting me. I wish for once, people would think about my feelings.
New subject.
So were going on a show choir competition this weekend. I know I seem obsessed with show choir. I just love it. And everything about it. I never get tired of it. But this year gas been amazing. But for some reason we haven't don't as well as I wished we could've. Cuz I honestly think wehave such a great group this year. Werejust up against some really awesome groups. Which sucks sometimes:p I'll just hope for the best this weekend. You never know(:
I don't really have anyone else. The title didn't match the blog's theme today but whatever. I'm too lazy to change it.
-Kiera
Have you ever had a friend or someone you know that always seems to talk in code. I hate when people are all confusing and make me confused. Ha. That sounds odd. It's true though. Maybe it's because I can be a bit dim at times. But still. I can't stand when people play games with me. They don't realize what they're doing could be hurting me. I wish for once, people would think about my feelings.
New subject.
So were going on a show choir competition this weekend. I know I seem obsessed with show choir. I just love it. And everything about it. I never get tired of it. But this year gas been amazing. But for some reason we haven't don't as well as I wished we could've. Cuz I honestly think wehave such a great group this year. Werejust up against some really awesome groups. Which sucks sometimes:p I'll just hope for the best this weekend. You never know(:
I don't really have anyone else. The title didn't match the blog's theme today but whatever. I'm too lazy to change it.
-Kiera
Friday, March 16, 2012
How many times will it take to get right?
So as you may be able to see in the title, the song of the day is Get it Right by GLEE(: I know that episode is super old but I love that song. Or at least the words of it:P Whenever I'm feeling really inspired, I tend to listen to one song over and over again. Usually when I'm writing, the title of the song is the song I'm listenig to. Or sometimes I just pick a random song.
I know that everyone out there has felt lost at times, right? Alone? Like no one else in the world has ever experienced what you are feeling at the moment? I just wanna throw out there, that you are not alone. And that your situation could be so much worse. There's a few topics Imma hit today so...keep up with me:P I'm gonna start trying to give topics for each post..that way you don't have to read all of my rants and ramblings to get to a certain topics. We all know that this blog is more so for my venting sake. And just because writing things out makes me feel a litte bit better.
Kony 2012
I know as you read the above bolded and italisized words, you probably feel like this topic has been way over-talked-about. But I just wanna hit on it a little bit...if you haven't seen it here's a link. Watch it now: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4MnpzG5Sqc
It's a 30 minute video, but lemme tell you...it's amazing and life-changing and you need to watch it. It makes me feel like I have hope. There are some amazing, caring and wonderful people on the planet and they can sure as heck overpower the bad people. If we tell ourselves we can't do something, we will never do it. Because we never try. I think the key to sucess is to try. Over and over. Watch the video and help if you can. We can make a change.
Get it Right
Sometimes, I feel like no matter how hard I try, I will never be good enough for some people. No matter how loud or strong I sing, no matter how I pluck my eyebrows, no matter how much makeup I plaster onto my face. I feel like I will never be talented or pretty or tall enough. You get what I mean. Hey, I'm ranting so if you don't wanna read it, skip over it. I have the freedom to type whatever I want on this here blog. so...Apples, bananas and watermelon-kiwi-kangaroos. I can also not make sense. I ain't gon be arrested for this here making no sense...
Aight moving on.
You get my point though? Or that people only enjoy being in my company when I succeed. When I got my trophy for best soloist, I have never been so crowded with people. It was amazing, and I love everyone. But sometimes it makes me curious that if I hadn't of gotten that solo if everyone would still be so kind to me. The appearance everyone gets of me is small, innocent, awkward and a singer. I guess you could kind of relate me to a bird. A really awkward bird. Like Gertrude McFuzz. No wonder I got that part in 7th grade...Anyways, sometimes I wish I could change the way people looked at me. I'm not somel little naive little girl. Just because I have never smoked, or drank, or made out with a boy, or had sex, or any of those "Teenage milestones" does NOT mean there is something wrong with me. It doesn't mean I am naive. It doesn't mean that people who have (which is almost everyone) are smarter or better than me. Just because you have experienced those things does not make you better than me. I heard people talking about me one time...you what makes me angry is when people brush me off and tell I don't understand because "you're still a virgin". Well alright! I am, and I don't think that makes me any different than you. I just have different lifestyle choices than you, obviously. I'm a catholic and I'm a strong believe in abstinence before marriage. Alright, if that changes your views of me because you now think I'm an innocent freak who's afraid of boys well then alright. Your not a good friend. Sorry. Went on a rant there. :P Stereotypes are incredibly dumb. You do not know me. Or someone told me that the first time they saw me perform, they assumed I was stuck up. Or people tell me I'm full of myself.
Pet. Peeve.
I am NOT FULL OF MYSELF!!!!!! Obviously, you don't know me if you think I'm full of myself. I am confident onstage and it's the only place I can truly be myself and let all of my emotions go. So don't judge me for loving being onstage. Don't tell me that I am full of myself unless I straight up tell you, being serious, that I am awesome and that I'm going to beat out all of the soloists in the whole wide world. Because I know there are plenty of people, in Troy and all over the world that are better than me, and if you don't think so, thank you. But I will never think that. Because I don't hear the voice everyone else hears. Honestly, I absolutely hate listening to myself sing because it embarrasses me because I don't like the sound I hear in recordings. Everyone else says it sounds great. but I alawys find a flaw. Which is okay, because I'm not damaged or nothing. That's just how I am. I'm hard on myself. Perfectionist. That just makes me more determined to improve. (:
Alright, my sister is bugging me to go watch Dirty Dancing with her. Never seen it. I know, smack me now. (:
-Kiera
I know that everyone out there has felt lost at times, right? Alone? Like no one else in the world has ever experienced what you are feeling at the moment? I just wanna throw out there, that you are not alone. And that your situation could be so much worse. There's a few topics Imma hit today so...keep up with me:P I'm gonna start trying to give topics for each post..that way you don't have to read all of my rants and ramblings to get to a certain topics. We all know that this blog is more so for my venting sake. And just because writing things out makes me feel a litte bit better.
Kony 2012
I know as you read the above bolded and italisized words, you probably feel like this topic has been way over-talked-about. But I just wanna hit on it a little bit...if you haven't seen it here's a link. Watch it now: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4MnpzG5Sqc
It's a 30 minute video, but lemme tell you...it's amazing and life-changing and you need to watch it. It makes me feel like I have hope. There are some amazing, caring and wonderful people on the planet and they can sure as heck overpower the bad people. If we tell ourselves we can't do something, we will never do it. Because we never try. I think the key to sucess is to try. Over and over. Watch the video and help if you can. We can make a change.
Get it Right
Sometimes, I feel like no matter how hard I try, I will never be good enough for some people. No matter how loud or strong I sing, no matter how I pluck my eyebrows, no matter how much makeup I plaster onto my face. I feel like I will never be talented or pretty or tall enough. You get what I mean. Hey, I'm ranting so if you don't wanna read it, skip over it. I have the freedom to type whatever I want on this here blog. so...Apples, bananas and watermelon-kiwi-kangaroos. I can also not make sense. I ain't gon be arrested for this here making no sense...
Aight moving on.
You get my point though? Or that people only enjoy being in my company when I succeed. When I got my trophy for best soloist, I have never been so crowded with people. It was amazing, and I love everyone. But sometimes it makes me curious that if I hadn't of gotten that solo if everyone would still be so kind to me. The appearance everyone gets of me is small, innocent, awkward and a singer. I guess you could kind of relate me to a bird. A really awkward bird. Like Gertrude McFuzz. No wonder I got that part in 7th grade...Anyways, sometimes I wish I could change the way people looked at me. I'm not somel little naive little girl. Just because I have never smoked, or drank, or made out with a boy, or had sex, or any of those "Teenage milestones" does NOT mean there is something wrong with me. It doesn't mean I am naive. It doesn't mean that people who have (which is almost everyone) are smarter or better than me. Just because you have experienced those things does not make you better than me. I heard people talking about me one time...you what makes me angry is when people brush me off and tell I don't understand because "you're still a virgin". Well alright! I am, and I don't think that makes me any different than you. I just have different lifestyle choices than you, obviously. I'm a catholic and I'm a strong believe in abstinence before marriage. Alright, if that changes your views of me because you now think I'm an innocent freak who's afraid of boys well then alright. Your not a good friend. Sorry. Went on a rant there. :P Stereotypes are incredibly dumb. You do not know me. Or someone told me that the first time they saw me perform, they assumed I was stuck up. Or people tell me I'm full of myself.
Pet. Peeve.
I am NOT FULL OF MYSELF!!!!!! Obviously, you don't know me if you think I'm full of myself. I am confident onstage and it's the only place I can truly be myself and let all of my emotions go. So don't judge me for loving being onstage. Don't tell me that I am full of myself unless I straight up tell you, being serious, that I am awesome and that I'm going to beat out all of the soloists in the whole wide world. Because I know there are plenty of people, in Troy and all over the world that are better than me, and if you don't think so, thank you. But I will never think that. Because I don't hear the voice everyone else hears. Honestly, I absolutely hate listening to myself sing because it embarrasses me because I don't like the sound I hear in recordings. Everyone else says it sounds great. but I alawys find a flaw. Which is okay, because I'm not damaged or nothing. That's just how I am. I'm hard on myself. Perfectionist. That just makes me more determined to improve. (:
Alright, my sister is bugging me to go watch Dirty Dancing with her. Never seen it. I know, smack me now. (:
-Kiera
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Puzzled, Rants, Wisconsin and New addictions
Chaio. I dunno if thats how you spell that, but whatever. Hopefully you get the point. So. I'm kind of in a ranting/inspirational/angry/good mood. Bipolar right? Confusing. You tell me...
Have you ever wondered you could do something and not have to worry about the consequences. I never do something without overthinking it. Ever. I confuse myself daily. Sometimes overthinking things is a good thing. For instance, in English class, overthinking a metaphor or symbolism comes in handy. In math or science class, overthinking things isn't too handy though. Sometimes in people it comes in handy. When I make a decision about someone because I overanalyzed them and turn out to be right, that's always good. But the majority of the time, I'm way off. I'm not the best at reading people. Come to think of it, I'm not very good at reading my own emotions.
This might be weird, but have any of you (who am I kidding, no one's reading this) ever felt like you had no idea what in the world you want. Something your heart yearns isn't always something your head insists. Which happens to me a lot. I love whole-heartedly (someone told me that today, I'm not just tootin' my own horn:P ) which sometimes kinda sucks. Because not everyone does. Some people love everyone, and divide all that love, until it feels like each person only have a tiny fraction. What am I talking about, getting off topic. Again.
Being confused, right? Having no idea what you want. And what sucks a lot, is wanting something that you know the consequences will make your life a living hell. but you still want it. A lot. Which sucks. But then there's an alternative, that could be just as good as having the other thing, but the consequences won't suck.. The only thing is, you can't be sure that this other option will be as great. But the first option you know will be good. I'm just confusing myself writing this. Probably why the word RANT is in the title(: Next topic!
Wisconsin!
Spring break is this week and I'm visiting my grandparents in Wisconsin, which has been a blast so far. We went bowling today and guess who won BOTH games? THIS GIRL(: no big deal or anything...(; ha. We also went to a waterpark hotel thing the first few days. And yesterday we came to their actual house and we've had a great time(: Woooo!! Okay not too much on this topic. Moving on.
New Addictions
Alright this topic excites me. WOO! So there's a few things that I am absolutely ADDICTED To. The first and most definitely important most amazing one is...THE HUNGER GAMES. I borrorowed the book from a friend last friday because I've been dying to read it, and as soon as I started it I couldn't put it down. I finished it yesterday and I was shaking and sweating and...it was pretty intense. I won't ruin it for any of you, but if you haven't read The Hunger Games yet, you should go get it RIGHT NOW because you're missing out. My nana (grandma but we call her nana) bought me the next two books because yesterday I literally sat in me and my sister's guest room and read all day while everyone was running around making scrapbooks and stuff. I cannot tell you how amazing this series is, and you just gotta read it because the movie is coming out next friday (which I can't see because I'm going on a SHOW CHOIR competition.-but I MIGHT see it with my guy-friend and bestfriend at the midnightshowing-though its doubted))) Alright next newfound addiction. Carrie Underwood came out with this new song called Good Girl and it's AWESOME! I heard it and flipped my lid. Me and my friend Corynne listened to it on the way to Minnesota on our last show choir competion (ooh, I gotta talk about that after this...note to self(; )and holy CARRIE! I've always known she was amazing but she seriously made me want to...I dunno I can't think of anything crazy enough. Do something crazy. Her new song is very different than her usual mello, chill country singer stuff and I LOVEI T. it's still Carrie Underwood, and she's not totally changing her sound. I hate how people always freak out when musicians change up their sound. If she continued the exact same kind of music she is doing, it'll eventually get boring. You gotta change it up every once in a while. I would still listen to her music of course, but no everyone adores her as much as I do:P If you haven't heard the song, look it up on youtube right now. If your reading this, I know you have internet connection so don't even start:P ANOTHER addiction, sadly, don't make fun of me...my sister taught me how to scrapbook. It's pretty intense. You don't believe me. My baby pictures look SO GOOD in that scrapbook. Imma pro(; ha. Not really a pro, but it's fun to add little flowers and stuff...My nana has an unlimited supply of decorations so...yeah good times, good times. Another addiction happened awhile ago...I watched the MUPPETS. Then new movie? awesome, awesome, awesome, AWESOME(:
Show Choir Updates
So I dunno if I've posted all this stuff, probably now but here's how we're doing. First competition was Fort Atkinson. Made Finals (YAY! We thought we wouldn't. It was TOUGH) and placed 5th place overall. there were like...24 or so groups there so we did pretty good. 2nd competition we made finals and placed 5th as well. We were all kinda bummed cuz we expected higher than that, but we all just decided it was rigged and went back to the hotel and had a fiesta (tacos...SO GOOD(: ) 3rd competition was the BEST!! (: Hastings, Minnesota. First off, the people there are so nice. We loved all of our hosts and I wish they would read this so I could tell them how awesome it was to meet all of them. We made finals and placed 3rd overall. We were all VERY physced to not get 5th again. Oh and..um...I GOT BEST FEMALE VOCALIST. AH(: It was pretty awesome. I hope I don't get too mushy for your liking but...if anyone from Troy is reading this...I really appreciate the support you all give me. I can't stress it enough. I almost started crying walking up to accept that trophy and not because I was proud of myself, or because I was nervous of falling down the huge stairs in my 4 and a half inch heels. It was because everyone cheered for me so loud. And smiled at me and they all just looked sincerely happy for me. And I can't tell you how much that makes me happy. Just typing this now it makes me teary-eyed. I am so incredibly blessed to have a group that gives me all that support and I love every single one of you. Even if we're not best friends. No matter what place we get, there's no other show choir I'd rather be in. I love you Express, Soundwave, and every single person that clapped for me. I know I seem like I'm being overdramatic. but it really did mean a lot to me. More than you know.
I guess that's about it for today. I wish I could write more but hands are actually starting to get a bit tired. We go to our final competition next weekend. It's gonna be rough, but I have faith in us. No matter what we place, I love Express show choir and I love everyone in Troy.
<3 Kiera
Have you ever wondered you could do something and not have to worry about the consequences. I never do something without overthinking it. Ever. I confuse myself daily. Sometimes overthinking things is a good thing. For instance, in English class, overthinking a metaphor or symbolism comes in handy. In math or science class, overthinking things isn't too handy though. Sometimes in people it comes in handy. When I make a decision about someone because I overanalyzed them and turn out to be right, that's always good. But the majority of the time, I'm way off. I'm not the best at reading people. Come to think of it, I'm not very good at reading my own emotions.
This might be weird, but have any of you (who am I kidding, no one's reading this) ever felt like you had no idea what in the world you want. Something your heart yearns isn't always something your head insists. Which happens to me a lot. I love whole-heartedly (someone told me that today, I'm not just tootin' my own horn:P ) which sometimes kinda sucks. Because not everyone does. Some people love everyone, and divide all that love, until it feels like each person only have a tiny fraction. What am I talking about, getting off topic. Again.
Being confused, right? Having no idea what you want. And what sucks a lot, is wanting something that you know the consequences will make your life a living hell. but you still want it. A lot. Which sucks. But then there's an alternative, that could be just as good as having the other thing, but the consequences won't suck.. The only thing is, you can't be sure that this other option will be as great. But the first option you know will be good. I'm just confusing myself writing this. Probably why the word RANT is in the title(: Next topic!
Wisconsin!
Spring break is this week and I'm visiting my grandparents in Wisconsin, which has been a blast so far. We went bowling today and guess who won BOTH games? THIS GIRL(: no big deal or anything...(; ha. We also went to a waterpark hotel thing the first few days. And yesterday we came to their actual house and we've had a great time(: Woooo!! Okay not too much on this topic. Moving on.
New Addictions
Alright this topic excites me. WOO! So there's a few things that I am absolutely ADDICTED To. The first and most definitely important most amazing one is...THE HUNGER GAMES. I borrorowed the book from a friend last friday because I've been dying to read it, and as soon as I started it I couldn't put it down. I finished it yesterday and I was shaking and sweating and...it was pretty intense. I won't ruin it for any of you, but if you haven't read The Hunger Games yet, you should go get it RIGHT NOW because you're missing out. My nana (grandma but we call her nana) bought me the next two books because yesterday I literally sat in me and my sister's guest room and read all day while everyone was running around making scrapbooks and stuff. I cannot tell you how amazing this series is, and you just gotta read it because the movie is coming out next friday (which I can't see because I'm going on a SHOW CHOIR competition.-but I MIGHT see it with my guy-friend and bestfriend at the midnightshowing-though its doubted))) Alright next newfound addiction. Carrie Underwood came out with this new song called Good Girl and it's AWESOME! I heard it and flipped my lid. Me and my friend Corynne listened to it on the way to Minnesota on our last show choir competion (ooh, I gotta talk about that after this...note to self(; )and holy CARRIE! I've always known she was amazing but she seriously made me want to...I dunno I can't think of anything crazy enough. Do something crazy. Her new song is very different than her usual mello, chill country singer stuff and I LOVEI T. it's still Carrie Underwood, and she's not totally changing her sound. I hate how people always freak out when musicians change up their sound. If she continued the exact same kind of music she is doing, it'll eventually get boring. You gotta change it up every once in a while. I would still listen to her music of course, but no everyone adores her as much as I do:P If you haven't heard the song, look it up on youtube right now. If your reading this, I know you have internet connection so don't even start:P ANOTHER addiction, sadly, don't make fun of me...my sister taught me how to scrapbook. It's pretty intense. You don't believe me. My baby pictures look SO GOOD in that scrapbook. Imma pro(; ha. Not really a pro, but it's fun to add little flowers and stuff...My nana has an unlimited supply of decorations so...yeah good times, good times. Another addiction happened awhile ago...I watched the MUPPETS. Then new movie? awesome, awesome, awesome, AWESOME(:
Show Choir Updates
So I dunno if I've posted all this stuff, probably now but here's how we're doing. First competition was Fort Atkinson. Made Finals (YAY! We thought we wouldn't. It was TOUGH) and placed 5th place overall. there were like...24 or so groups there so we did pretty good. 2nd competition we made finals and placed 5th as well. We were all kinda bummed cuz we expected higher than that, but we all just decided it was rigged and went back to the hotel and had a fiesta (tacos...SO GOOD(: ) 3rd competition was the BEST!! (: Hastings, Minnesota. First off, the people there are so nice. We loved all of our hosts and I wish they would read this so I could tell them how awesome it was to meet all of them. We made finals and placed 3rd overall. We were all VERY physced to not get 5th again. Oh and..um...I GOT BEST FEMALE VOCALIST. AH(: It was pretty awesome. I hope I don't get too mushy for your liking but...if anyone from Troy is reading this...I really appreciate the support you all give me. I can't stress it enough. I almost started crying walking up to accept that trophy and not because I was proud of myself, or because I was nervous of falling down the huge stairs in my 4 and a half inch heels. It was because everyone cheered for me so loud. And smiled at me and they all just looked sincerely happy for me. And I can't tell you how much that makes me happy. Just typing this now it makes me teary-eyed. I am so incredibly blessed to have a group that gives me all that support and I love every single one of you. Even if we're not best friends. No matter what place we get, there's no other show choir I'd rather be in. I love you Express, Soundwave, and every single person that clapped for me. I know I seem like I'm being overdramatic. but it really did mean a lot to me. More than you know.
I guess that's about it for today. I wish I could write more but hands are actually starting to get a bit tired. We go to our final competition next weekend. It's gonna be rough, but I have faith in us. No matter what we place, I love Express show choir and I love everyone in Troy.
<3 Kiera
Friday, January 27, 2012
Look at your life...
Hiya. I always start my blog posts like I'm talking to someone. And then I ramble on about how stupid the entry sounds or whatever:P I guess most of my blog posts are similar, but I don't really care. I didn't make this blog to entertain people, or really so that anyone reads it. If anyone does read it, I hope the one thing they get from it is inspiration. But honestly, this blog was created in 8th grade out of boredom, and then it turned into this sort of journal. Except I wouldn't write all of my feelings on this, considering it's on the internet, and anyone can really see it:P So what shall we talk about today?
Parents. I think about my parents, and I look at other people's parents. I realize how blessed I am to have parents that care so much about me. They work so hard to be able to get me what I need, and even if sometimes I don't get what I want, they've raised me well enough that I have learned to accept that I don't always get what I want in life. Sometimes things don't turn out the way I'd like them too, and that's okay. Because no matter what, things do happen for a reason. Horrible things like heartbreak, a death, a divorce and things of the nature can really damage a person. But they also show that person how strong they are, and they make that person that much stronger. Which is why I'm glad I have encouraging parents. I know it kind of sounds cliche to say this, but honestly. There are starving children in Africa and we're over here complaining about taxes and how we can't afford that new couch we want. There are people out there far, far less fortunate than you and me, especially if your reading this off a computer. But I don't know your story. You could have a very unfortunate life. But when times are rough, just remember there is always someone here to talk to. My e-mail address is in the sidebar, and if there's anyone out there that doesn't know me, and needs a little advice, I'd be happy to give it.And no matter how hard you think you got it, there is always someone who is worse off than you. I will complain about how my parents are making do the dishes, when some innocent girl I don't know has parents that beat her every night. I will complain about feeling too fat when there's plenty of girls that wish they could gain weight, because they throw up everything they eat. Just feel blessed for what you have, because even if things aren't perfect (which they never are) just think of all the good things in your life. And how much worse it could be. God is watching over you. And don't let your doubts weigh you down. Allow your heart to grow 4 sizes. Just like the Grinch who stole Christmas(:
Parents. I think about my parents, and I look at other people's parents. I realize how blessed I am to have parents that care so much about me. They work so hard to be able to get me what I need, and even if sometimes I don't get what I want, they've raised me well enough that I have learned to accept that I don't always get what I want in life. Sometimes things don't turn out the way I'd like them too, and that's okay. Because no matter what, things do happen for a reason. Horrible things like heartbreak, a death, a divorce and things of the nature can really damage a person. But they also show that person how strong they are, and they make that person that much stronger. Which is why I'm glad I have encouraging parents. I know it kind of sounds cliche to say this, but honestly. There are starving children in Africa and we're over here complaining about taxes and how we can't afford that new couch we want. There are people out there far, far less fortunate than you and me, especially if your reading this off a computer. But I don't know your story. You could have a very unfortunate life. But when times are rough, just remember there is always someone here to talk to. My e-mail address is in the sidebar, and if there's anyone out there that doesn't know me, and needs a little advice, I'd be happy to give it.And no matter how hard you think you got it, there is always someone who is worse off than you. I will complain about how my parents are making do the dishes, when some innocent girl I don't know has parents that beat her every night. I will complain about feeling too fat when there's plenty of girls that wish they could gain weight, because they throw up everything they eat. Just feel blessed for what you have, because even if things aren't perfect (which they never are) just think of all the good things in your life. And how much worse it could be. God is watching over you. And don't let your doubts weigh you down. Allow your heart to grow 4 sizes. Just like the Grinch who stole Christmas(:
Monday, January 23, 2012
Goals.
So yes, I just made re-designed the blog in the first time in forever. I felt it needed change. And the background said '2011' on it, so I made a new one!! (: These pictures are more updated anyways. The things in the pictures on the new background mean a lot to me(: If your not reading this from a computer, I feel sorry for you, because the updated version of the blog looks pretty sweet!!! So, we all have something to work towards right? A goal, a wish. Something. Well, I find that making goals, makes earning them a whole lot easier. If, of course, you decide what steps its gonna take to be able to complete these goals. So I turned in this song for personal finance about my goals and what not, and it made me wonder if any of them are worth..wishing for. You know? Like...why should I wish that I could get best soloist at a show choir competiton? Is that a selfish wish? Is it an impossible one? Could I ever be chosen out of a hundred different soloists in a competition? I don't know, but it is a goal. It is something that I would very much like to happen. But I just kinda wonder if some of my goals are unrealistic. I guess that's all for today. (:
-Kiera
-Kiera
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Special.
Good evening, bloggers. (: I haven't written in a while, I know. But I'm actually on my daddy's laptop for work right now and it gets wifi ( thank GOD ) so I think I might use this to post from now on. I like actually being able to type things out, takes way less time than on my ipod.
So I've been thinking (that's a dangerous thing, sometimes). People talk about not being happy all the time, and it got me thinking about my own happiness. Honestly, happiness is something that only the person seeking it can give to themselves. I made that sound confusing. Well, i guess my point is, if you want to be happy, then be happy! You have the power to make yourself happy, and you should know the things that your heart desires. Don't do something that does not make you happy, though it makes others happy. Because sometimes, your happiness should be put above others. Now I'm not saying be a selfish prick all the time. I just saying that sometimes, considering yourself in the equation is not being selfish. It's acknowledging that you matter to you too. And that no matter what people say about you, you love yourself. And loving yourself is so important.
Another topic I wanted to hit on. We're singing this song in show choir called "You are my home" for our ballad. It's this super lovey-dovey song, that, at first, was really hard to sing about. Cuz I don't really..love anyone like that, you know? I haven't for a really long time. So I didn't really know how to sing about it with emotion. Because somehow I always find someway to make the song fit me. And I found a way to make it fit this one! I was singing it at home and trying to find a way to relate to it. I realize that just because it talks about a love and how this person is "their home, making them strong" does not mean it has to be about a significant other. I thought...what if I sang about something that does make me happy. Like show choir itself. Whenever I first moved to Troy, I was not accepted at all. I've already told you guys about this:P anyways. I realize that any song can adapt to your feelings if you make it. You are my Home for me, is about my Team in show choir and how they make me feel welcome and like I am invincible. I love show choir because I feel like everyone in that group isn't going to tell the whole school about me. Although I'm not best friends with everyone in our group, I do think that almost everyone are good people. And the group in general, makes me feel safe and accepted. Express is my home(: The rest of our songs aren't too hard to connect to. I love our opener(: hehee. So next time you have a hard time 'connecting' with a song, how everyone says. Just make the song fit you.
Last year we sang Hotel California as our ballad (i know, super weird.) It was great!! Everyone couldn't really adapt to it, so we all sat down in a circle and talked about what it meant to us. and I explained that Hotel California to me, was talking about this place that everyone wants to get to, because they think that at this magical place, you can escape all of your problems. And then they get there and realize that they can never escape their problems, because in their hearts, they will always weigh heavy with them. and how this place is somewhere that will make them feel accepted, but somehow, all of these amazing things that people think are going to happen in this place are false. Everyone looked at me like...woah...Kiera just went deep:P It was pretty cool. It helps me a lot if I sit down and read the song(:
My hands are actually starting to cramp up from typing. That kinda makes me proud. Although this blog post really honestly is not nearly even close to the longest post. I'm one of those ramblers, aren't I? I could talk about Show Choir, and performing, and all that jazz for hours and hours on end.
Aight. New topic. Do you ever imagine yourself 10 years from now? I do. A lot. I'm so curious as to what my lifes gonna be like. Will I be married? Will I have kids? Will I still love music just as much as I do now? Will I have a great job? Will I be HAPPY?
I think that's the most important thing. I honestly just want to be happy. Sometimes I do feel like nobody understands me. Sometimes I feel like its me, against the world. But I know thats okay because I know I'm not the only one who feels that way. Sometimes it's so surprising to find that people do think in the same way I do. Not exactly the same, obviously, but similar. I wish I could find someone who thought just like me. I wish somebody out there could just give me a hug and tell me that it's gonna be okay. That no matter what life hands me, they will be there for me. I know there are people that will. I'm just afraid I won't always have them. Because you don't always have your best friends from high school. I'm so afraid that I'll grow up, and I'll be alone. I love the people in my life now. I want to keep those realtionships. Some things are just so complicated. I know you can't exactly plan a life. Because unexpected things happen all the time. We fall in love. We make babies! We lose our jobs. We win awards! Whatever life throws at us...everyone just feels like that have to be prepared. So they plan, plan, plan. And yes, I will plan for my future. But I don't wanna plan to a T. Because I don't want to dissapoint myself. I don't want to tell myself that I'm capable of getting into a great college and not. I don't want to tell myself I'm something special throughout high school, and get used to people complimenting my voice in such, and then get out in the real world, and realize that...I'm really nothing special. because I kinda realize that's how it's gonna be. Sometimes I just wanna give up on my dreams. Everyone says "you'll be famous one day" but no one really means it. And if they do, its just a dream. It's just a hope. I'm nothing special. Sure, I can sing. But me as a person...I'm just Kiera. Just...eh. I want to be special to somebody. I feel like I haven't been special to anybody in so long. I'm tired of hearing "your so great, your voice is beautiful." for once I just want to hear "You are special to me." Or "You are just one very special person." And not jokingly. I want to be special to someone. I want someone to look at me and smile. and I want someone to love my smile. I want someone to hug whenever I just really need a hug. and not just a friendly "oh, kiera needs a hug." But a "I'm going to hug you because that's all I know how to do right now" hug. I just feel like somethings missing. In my crazy life that should seem perfect, there's one element that I feel like 10 years from now, it'll kill me not to have. I know I have all the time in the world. I just feel like I'm not good enough for anyone. Yes, I'm supposed to be confident, this is true. But this is how I feel. Sometimes I seem like the most confident person but no one will ever truly understand how badly I just want to be...special.To someone. I want every part of me to be special.
I just hope that day comes someday.
So I've been thinking (that's a dangerous thing, sometimes). People talk about not being happy all the time, and it got me thinking about my own happiness. Honestly, happiness is something that only the person seeking it can give to themselves. I made that sound confusing. Well, i guess my point is, if you want to be happy, then be happy! You have the power to make yourself happy, and you should know the things that your heart desires. Don't do something that does not make you happy, though it makes others happy. Because sometimes, your happiness should be put above others. Now I'm not saying be a selfish prick all the time. I just saying that sometimes, considering yourself in the equation is not being selfish. It's acknowledging that you matter to you too. And that no matter what people say about you, you love yourself. And loving yourself is so important.
Another topic I wanted to hit on. We're singing this song in show choir called "You are my home" for our ballad. It's this super lovey-dovey song, that, at first, was really hard to sing about. Cuz I don't really..love anyone like that, you know? I haven't for a really long time. So I didn't really know how to sing about it with emotion. Because somehow I always find someway to make the song fit me. And I found a way to make it fit this one! I was singing it at home and trying to find a way to relate to it. I realize that just because it talks about a love and how this person is "their home, making them strong" does not mean it has to be about a significant other. I thought...what if I sang about something that does make me happy. Like show choir itself. Whenever I first moved to Troy, I was not accepted at all. I've already told you guys about this:P anyways. I realize that any song can adapt to your feelings if you make it. You are my Home for me, is about my Team in show choir and how they make me feel welcome and like I am invincible. I love show choir because I feel like everyone in that group isn't going to tell the whole school about me. Although I'm not best friends with everyone in our group, I do think that almost everyone are good people. And the group in general, makes me feel safe and accepted. Express is my home(: The rest of our songs aren't too hard to connect to. I love our opener(: hehee. So next time you have a hard time 'connecting' with a song, how everyone says. Just make the song fit you.
Last year we sang Hotel California as our ballad (i know, super weird.) It was great!! Everyone couldn't really adapt to it, so we all sat down in a circle and talked about what it meant to us. and I explained that Hotel California to me, was talking about this place that everyone wants to get to, because they think that at this magical place, you can escape all of your problems. And then they get there and realize that they can never escape their problems, because in their hearts, they will always weigh heavy with them. and how this place is somewhere that will make them feel accepted, but somehow, all of these amazing things that people think are going to happen in this place are false. Everyone looked at me like...woah...Kiera just went deep:P It was pretty cool. It helps me a lot if I sit down and read the song(:
My hands are actually starting to cramp up from typing. That kinda makes me proud. Although this blog post really honestly is not nearly even close to the longest post. I'm one of those ramblers, aren't I? I could talk about Show Choir, and performing, and all that jazz for hours and hours on end.
Aight. New topic. Do you ever imagine yourself 10 years from now? I do. A lot. I'm so curious as to what my lifes gonna be like. Will I be married? Will I have kids? Will I still love music just as much as I do now? Will I have a great job? Will I be HAPPY?
I think that's the most important thing. I honestly just want to be happy. Sometimes I do feel like nobody understands me. Sometimes I feel like its me, against the world. But I know thats okay because I know I'm not the only one who feels that way. Sometimes it's so surprising to find that people do think in the same way I do. Not exactly the same, obviously, but similar. I wish I could find someone who thought just like me. I wish somebody out there could just give me a hug and tell me that it's gonna be okay. That no matter what life hands me, they will be there for me. I know there are people that will. I'm just afraid I won't always have them. Because you don't always have your best friends from high school. I'm so afraid that I'll grow up, and I'll be alone. I love the people in my life now. I want to keep those realtionships. Some things are just so complicated. I know you can't exactly plan a life. Because unexpected things happen all the time. We fall in love. We make babies! We lose our jobs. We win awards! Whatever life throws at us...everyone just feels like that have to be prepared. So they plan, plan, plan. And yes, I will plan for my future. But I don't wanna plan to a T. Because I don't want to dissapoint myself. I don't want to tell myself that I'm capable of getting into a great college and not. I don't want to tell myself I'm something special throughout high school, and get used to people complimenting my voice in such, and then get out in the real world, and realize that...I'm really nothing special. because I kinda realize that's how it's gonna be. Sometimes I just wanna give up on my dreams. Everyone says "you'll be famous one day" but no one really means it. And if they do, its just a dream. It's just a hope. I'm nothing special. Sure, I can sing. But me as a person...I'm just Kiera. Just...eh. I want to be special to somebody. I feel like I haven't been special to anybody in so long. I'm tired of hearing "your so great, your voice is beautiful." for once I just want to hear "You are special to me." Or "You are just one very special person." And not jokingly. I want to be special to someone. I want someone to look at me and smile. and I want someone to love my smile. I want someone to hug whenever I just really need a hug. and not just a friendly "oh, kiera needs a hug." But a "I'm going to hug you because that's all I know how to do right now" hug. I just feel like somethings missing. In my crazy life that should seem perfect, there's one element that I feel like 10 years from now, it'll kill me not to have. I know I have all the time in the world. I just feel like I'm not good enough for anyone. Yes, I'm supposed to be confident, this is true. But this is how I feel. Sometimes I seem like the most confident person but no one will ever truly understand how badly I just want to be...special.To someone. I want every part of me to be special.
I just hope that day comes someday.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
So im sitting here in starbucks, drinking my white chocolate caramel macciato and hanging out with my dear friends Jeramiah and Amanda. We had brunch at panera this morning and show choir got cavalier so we've pretty much just been bumming around all day, pretty much. It's pretty chill!!! We sat at panera for 2 hours, and then went to walmart and target, and now were here at starbucks. Chillin, chillin, CHILLIN. (: I don't really have anything to talk about, I just wanted to add how comfy and of a good mood I am in today. Friends can really make a difference in anyone's life. My life doesn't have to be about men or my appearance when I got great friends.
-Kiera
-Kiera
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Who am I?
I've built up the great wall of China around me. To block out my feelings from everyone. Even myself. My brain is a wreck. I am. I don't understand my thinking. I don't understand my feelings anymore. I can't trusts anyone. I don't know who to believe. I can't explain how I feel. Nobody gets me. Not one person. With the exception of God, of course. I've just been thinking lately. And I just confuse myself. And the way I think. I just don't know. I guess I've just realized how guarded I am. And how certain people that were in my life, messed me up a lot. And I don't know how to get myself back.
I mean I think I know I am...but really, does anyone, even me?
I mean I think I know I am...but really, does anyone, even me?
Thursday, January 5, 2012
A Book by It's Cover?
So, now that I think about it, my school is very organized into little cliques. Everyone fits perfectly into a group, and if they upset the balance, well, God FORBID you upset the delicate balance of our school's social system. Now I fit in with the show choir/choir/extranet random people. I do socialize with almost everyone, but in the morning when you get to school, you have your own specific table that you sit at, usually with your dominant group of friends. I sit with the show choir kids, of course. We all see so much of each other, I figure theyre my friends. Lol. Anyways people judge all of the show choir kids the same. Everyone assumes that because a few people act a little cocky, that were all like that. They say we all walk into school like were better than everyone else. Which is so far from the truth! It bothers me that because I associate with who I do, that I'm automatically stuck up. People need to get a life and realize that their lives are probably more important to them than what were doing with ours.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Fabricated Girls.
I'm standing in the bright lights of the dressing room, admiring the simple black dress I'd found to try on. I smiled, because the dress made me look thin and I thought my legs looked great. It was perfect. So I stepped out of the dressing room to show my mom and best friend, who were waiting to see it. They instantly chirped of how much they loved it and how I should buy it. And then another teenager walks out of the dressing wearing a dress like mine, but different. It looked amazing. It hugged her tiny hips and her long legs made me feel like a idiot in my dress. When I looked back to the mirror, I saw a pathetic sight. The dress now wrinkled in the wrong places, made my legs look fat, and I could see a little fat roll underneath the dark material. Discouraged because my body is not as pretty as the stranger's next to me.
Has this ever happened to you? Well probably not if your a boy ( that'd be a little strange:p ). But most girls out there know where I'm coming from right? Sometimes I'll look at myself in the mirror and think 'I look so pretty today.' and just be happy because I feel pretty. And then I'll get to school and feel like my close make me look fat or my hair is too stringy. There's always someone that looks so much better than me. Which is why I question why we all compare ourselves to others. It only makes us feel worse about ourselves! Everytime I see someone with skinnier hips than mine, or long legs ( unlike mine ) I wanna crawl in a hole and die. Sometimes I realize that I'm just putting a guard up. Like my clothes are never cute enough, my face is never pretty enough, makeup never well done enough. Being a girl is so confusing...there's so much pressure. No one taught me how to use makeup, or style my hair. I gotta figure all that out on my own. And sometimes I feel like the worst girl in the world. I'll spend half an hour I'm the morning trying to figure out what I want to do with my thick, long, hard to handle muddy brown hair. And I'll put on my makeup and be disappointed.
But what I'd like to do this new year, is to try not to think about how great I look on the outside. Of course I will always make an effort to look great, but I want to have the confidence to wear sweats to school and no makeup and believe that o still beautiful. I think one of the best compliments to get is when someone tells you you look nice when you have no makeup ad sweat pants on. I remember a while ago, I walked into English class, wearing really baggy navy sweats with chipped puffy paint on them, and a t shirt. I had no makeup on whatsoever. And one of my guy friends walked up to me and said 'Kiera, you look nice today.' and I looked at him like 'what?' I asked him if he realized I was wearing sweats, and he told me that he realized that and that it was nice to see my face without makeup. That made my day. The best kind of pretty, is the real you. I'm not saying Wearing makeup and nice clothes makes you fake at all. Cuz I wear it all the time. It feels so nice to wear clothes that make you feel beautiful. But it's even better to hear someone tell you you're beautiful when you had pretty mch just rolled out of bed. So I guess my new years resolution this year is to be confident in my body. To look at my short legs and chubby face, and to not care what other people see.
-Kiera
Has this ever happened to you? Well probably not if your a boy ( that'd be a little strange:p ). But most girls out there know where I'm coming from right? Sometimes I'll look at myself in the mirror and think 'I look so pretty today.' and just be happy because I feel pretty. And then I'll get to school and feel like my close make me look fat or my hair is too stringy. There's always someone that looks so much better than me. Which is why I question why we all compare ourselves to others. It only makes us feel worse about ourselves! Everytime I see someone with skinnier hips than mine, or long legs ( unlike mine ) I wanna crawl in a hole and die. Sometimes I realize that I'm just putting a guard up. Like my clothes are never cute enough, my face is never pretty enough, makeup never well done enough. Being a girl is so confusing...there's so much pressure. No one taught me how to use makeup, or style my hair. I gotta figure all that out on my own. And sometimes I feel like the worst girl in the world. I'll spend half an hour I'm the morning trying to figure out what I want to do with my thick, long, hard to handle muddy brown hair. And I'll put on my makeup and be disappointed.
But what I'd like to do this new year, is to try not to think about how great I look on the outside. Of course I will always make an effort to look great, but I want to have the confidence to wear sweats to school and no makeup and believe that o still beautiful. I think one of the best compliments to get is when someone tells you you look nice when you have no makeup ad sweat pants on. I remember a while ago, I walked into English class, wearing really baggy navy sweats with chipped puffy paint on them, and a t shirt. I had no makeup on whatsoever. And one of my guy friends walked up to me and said 'Kiera, you look nice today.' and I looked at him like 'what?' I asked him if he realized I was wearing sweats, and he told me that he realized that and that it was nice to see my face without makeup. That made my day. The best kind of pretty, is the real you. I'm not saying Wearing makeup and nice clothes makes you fake at all. Cuz I wear it all the time. It feels so nice to wear clothes that make you feel beautiful. But it's even better to hear someone tell you you're beautiful when you had pretty mch just rolled out of bed. So I guess my new years resolution this year is to be confident in my body. To look at my short legs and chubby face, and to not care what other people see.
-Kiera
Monday, January 2, 2012
Music Speaks
How do you know how your real friends are? How come it seems like everybody just wants something from you? Sometimes it seems like people are only my friends because they want my advice or they want to use me. It sucks looking around and questioning who is really a friend and who is just faking it. I'm only useful until I'm not needed anymore. Then my problems don't matter. That makes me sad.
The world is a crazy place. It's dangerous and you're gonna get hurt. But everyday I think of at least one thing I can do to put the rest of the world behind me, and just be myself. Today, I dug up all my old music. I figured I'm never gonna use it again, so you know what I did? I got out a roll of tape and taped all my music to my walls. I'm surrounding myself with somethig that makes me happy-literally(: it does make me happy though. Lookig around my room and seeing a million key signatures, notes, naturals, rests and treble clefs. Music is my passion. I can't explain it anymore than that. When I perform its like a dream. I really could rant on and on about it forever. Stepping onto a stage and singing and dancing and acting or any of the three is so incredible, I can't explain it. It makes me happy. It is the one thing that I know I'm good at. It's the one thing that makes me feel safe, and invincible and confident and just...happy. I wish everyone could feel what I feel when I'm onstage. It's just true, raw passion. And I truly, truly love it.
When words fail, music speaks.
Sometimes I'll sit down and listen to a song, and just take it in. Sometimes I'll focus o the lyrics, and other times I'll focus on one specific instrument the whole song, and how it blends with the other instruments. Music is just something that you can't bring down to an exact science. It's a whole other world of endless possibilites. Music is something that shows me that God is watching me, and that he is proud. Because when I perform, I feel him smiling down on me(:
The world is a crazy place. It's dangerous and you're gonna get hurt. But everyday I think of at least one thing I can do to put the rest of the world behind me, and just be myself. Today, I dug up all my old music. I figured I'm never gonna use it again, so you know what I did? I got out a roll of tape and taped all my music to my walls. I'm surrounding myself with somethig that makes me happy-literally(: it does make me happy though. Lookig around my room and seeing a million key signatures, notes, naturals, rests and treble clefs. Music is my passion. I can't explain it anymore than that. When I perform its like a dream. I really could rant on and on about it forever. Stepping onto a stage and singing and dancing and acting or any of the three is so incredible, I can't explain it. It makes me happy. It is the one thing that I know I'm good at. It's the one thing that makes me feel safe, and invincible and confident and just...happy. I wish everyone could feel what I feel when I'm onstage. It's just true, raw passion. And I truly, truly love it.
When words fail, music speaks.
Sometimes I'll sit down and listen to a song, and just take it in. Sometimes I'll focus o the lyrics, and other times I'll focus on one specific instrument the whole song, and how it blends with the other instruments. Music is just something that you can't bring down to an exact science. It's a whole other world of endless possibilites. Music is something that shows me that God is watching me, and that he is proud. Because when I perform, I feel him smiling down on me(:
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