Waiting...

Good morning! I like this whole phone-having-Internet thing. :) so...today isnt going to be a very happy post. My grandma is in the hospital. She has heart problems and goes to the hospital a lot for this but this time is very bad. She's had to have her heart shocked 3 other times before today Today she will be getting it shocked. Ever since my mom told me about my grandmothers condition I've bee horribly worried and really...scared. If anyone is reading this...I ask you to please keep my grandma in your prayers. Her name is Patricia House and she is the most amazing woman I have ever met. She's the most 'grandma-y' person you will ever meet. She makes the best chocolate chip cookies and she always has candy to give us. Her house is my favorite place in the world. She can always make me feel better. When my first boyfriend broke up with me and I happened to be at grandmas house, she tried so hard to get me to stop crying. I really appreciate your prayers, if anyone is listening. I'm in tears writing this. I'm terrified. Please pray that she will be okay. Maybe even one day she'll come to my wedding.
On another note. I suck at relationships. I mean SUCK at them. I've only been in two...(which shows how horrible and undesirable I am) but both of them have ended because I suck at them. And I kinda just want to give up. I think I've been waiting for something to happen...and it's never gonna happen. I get my hopes up so easily. It's hard. But sometimes things you want aren't what someone else does. There's this guy that I think I might like (I suck at admitting I like someone). Hes a really, really good guy. He writes his own songs and wants me to sing with him in a coffee shop. It seems almost too good to be true. And then comes my trust issues. I'm assuming there must be something wrong with this guy when I know there isn't. I guess I've just been lied to a lot. With only two relationships, you may think that I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm not 'super experienced' heck, I haven't even made out with a boy and I'm gonna be a junior. Granted, I don't care about being 'experienced'. The thing I'm looking for in a relationship is...feeling something. A relationship where when he texts me I get butterflies and when I see him I cant help but smile. I guess when I entered my 2nd relationship I assumed it would be like that. You can't make yourself love someone. I have learned that. Love is not planned. (well, God plans it. You can plan it). It's so beautiful and spontaneous and...I just want someone who makes me really...happy. I feel like I haven't been happy in a very long time. The only place where I still feel that feeling of 'heart-butterflies' is onstage. I truly do. When I'm singing a song I tear up a lot. Especially if it's a very passionate one. And sometimes when I'm praying, God gives me heart butterflies. It's just amazing that he can love me even though I have made so many mistakes and disappointed him.
So I've decided I'm going to stop my waiting. I'd be waiting forever. I haven't told anyone about my waiting-I don't think I've even admitted it to myself-and I think it's time for me to realize that I'm waiting for something that will never happen. And waiting hurts. So I think I will stop. :)

Keep grandma in your prayers. Patricia House. It means the world to me and my family.


-Kiera