Quite a title, right? Well it's officially 2012x it's kinda pathetic that I'm blogging right now. Am I one of those loners that blogs when shes depressed? Well, quite frankly, yes I am! But that's okay(: so this is just a short littlenew years post. I'm at a friends house so I've gotta go play twister for x box kinect ( which is so fun! )
-Kiera
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Tightrope
Good..er...morning. During winter break, I've been sleeping in until around 1 or 2 each day. That's pathetic. Next week we go back to school and my moms gonna make us start goin to bed at 9 and waking up at 6:/ I guess we need to get back on the school schedule. Eeew. Second semester came up faster than I'd expected it to. I hope it goes well.
So, tomorrow it will be a new year. I always start the new year with a huge smile and a million wishes in my mind and reflected in my eyes. I always say that I feel it's gonna be a good year. That maybe something great will become of the upcoming year. Last year, it wasn't like that. As soon as the clock struck midnight, when I shouldve been celebrating, my stomach was twisted into a million knots and I felt like I was gonna throw up all the junk I'd eaten that night. I had no idea why. And I still don't know why. But hopefully this year it'll be better. Hopefully the wishes of a better year will reamain fresh in my thoughts. Cuz I can't take another uneventful year. Everytime I meet someone, I think that maybe this person will one day make me feel special. But throughout this year, I didn't find 'prince charming' and sometimes I do lose hope that I will. Will I end up some 50 something cat lady alone in her basement staring at pictures of shirtless celebrities and wishing I wouldve made something of myself? That thought is kinda funny. But I don't wanna be that old lady. I don't think anyone does, really. But I don't wanna be alone. I want to feel safe with someone else, instead of feeling like I'm wobbling alone on a tightrope. I guess friends and important people in my life really do make a difference. No matter how many times I tell myself I do not need a man, or a best friend who always texts back, there will always be that ache in my tummy knowing that that is all I want.
-Kiera
So, tomorrow it will be a new year. I always start the new year with a huge smile and a million wishes in my mind and reflected in my eyes. I always say that I feel it's gonna be a good year. That maybe something great will become of the upcoming year. Last year, it wasn't like that. As soon as the clock struck midnight, when I shouldve been celebrating, my stomach was twisted into a million knots and I felt like I was gonna throw up all the junk I'd eaten that night. I had no idea why. And I still don't know why. But hopefully this year it'll be better. Hopefully the wishes of a better year will reamain fresh in my thoughts. Cuz I can't take another uneventful year. Everytime I meet someone, I think that maybe this person will one day make me feel special. But throughout this year, I didn't find 'prince charming' and sometimes I do lose hope that I will. Will I end up some 50 something cat lady alone in her basement staring at pictures of shirtless celebrities and wishing I wouldve made something of myself? That thought is kinda funny. But I don't wanna be that old lady. I don't think anyone does, really. But I don't wanna be alone. I want to feel safe with someone else, instead of feeling like I'm wobbling alone on a tightrope. I guess friends and important people in my life really do make a difference. No matter how many times I tell myself I do not need a man, or a best friend who always texts back, there will always be that ache in my tummy knowing that that is all I want.
-Kiera
Friday, December 30, 2011
The Wheel of the World
Heyya(: it's been, what, forever? Still no Internet. But I've four a way to steal wifi from the neighbors. I know...I'm pretty dangerous(; so life is pretty good, I guess. Not perfect, but life's never perfect. I guess that's what makes the good times even more great. Sophomore year has been great! It's been filled with lots of...changes, I guess? I guess I could say I'm a lot different than last time I wrote. My confidence is a little less broken, and I'm also a little- a LOT - more guarded than I used to be. Trusting people doesn't come as naturally as it used to for me anymore. Which is kinda sad, but...unfortunately true. I guess it's a good thing. Cuz trusting people too muc always ends up hurting me. It seems like people only want me for the good things. They only want my friendship when ts convenient for them. Which reminds me of this poem that I'm reciting for this poetry contest at my school. It's called Solitude, by Ella Wheeler Wilcox and ts perfect for me.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you
Weep, and you weep alone
For the sad old earth must borrow it's mirth
But has trouble enough of it's own
Sing, and the hills will answer
Sigh, it is Lost in the air
The echoes bound from a joyful sound
But shrink from voicing care
Rejoice, and men will seek you
Grieve, they will turn and go
They want full measure of all your pleasure
But they do not need your woe.
Be glad and your friends are many
Be sad, you will lose them all
There are none to decline your nectared wine
But alone you must drink life's gall
Feast, and your halls are crowded
Fast, and the world goes by
Succeed and give, and it helps you live
But no man can help you die
There is room in the halls of pleasure
For a large ad Lordy train
But one by one we must al file on
Through the narrow isles of pain
Great, right? I love it. It fits me so well. It seems so true though. A lotta people have befriended me, and I've been stupid enough to put my trust in them, and then they end up hurting me. Someone you think is your best friend, who knows all your secrets, every single one, all of a sudden completely stops talking to you. And sadly, more than one person has done that to me. And it hurts- a lot. But what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Yeah, I wouldve liked for that NOT to happen, but it helped me realize who my real friends. And there's is only one friend in my life that I can relate to so well that I can truly tell er everyone. She is my true best friend, but I won't name names... It's really great to have someone like that. When the rest of the world decides that I'm not worth their time, she's got my back. Sometimes I do feel alone though. Sometimes a friend like that isn't enough. Because I have other best friends, just not ones that I trust asmich as her. And it still hurts when they're too busy for me. I have this friend that her boyfriend broke up with her, and we bece really close right after. But soon after she found a new boyfriend. And slowly but surely, I was not the most important person in her life anymore. I didn't get invited to hang out, and outside of school, we didn't talk. And that felt unfair. And then there's the fact that a lot of my friends don't understand how my brain works. Sometimes I don't understand it either. But sometimes the things every girl would love, I don't want. Why, I cannot explain. There was this guy that liked me. All my best friends kept telling me to give hi a chance and blahblahblah. So I tried to pretend I liked him. And it made me feel horrible. Sometimes, you just gotta what's meant to be happen. You can't force yourself into something that doesnt make you happy. And I understand that now. My mom says I'm just 'scared' cuz I don't want to be hurt. Okay, that might be part of it. But I know what I want, and when people try and tell me what I should want, it is one of my pet peeves. I'm my own person. Get out. Ha(:
So, it's almost the end of 2011. Not necessarily an 'eventful' year. But I am a better person. 1st semester this year I have straight a's. No A-s!! That makes me very happy. I'm not really that smart, honestly. I am so stupid when it comes to street-smarts. And I wouldn't be surprised if I had a learning disability. I learn WAY slower than most people do...especially when it comes to physical stuff like DANCING. But I'm also a perfectionist. and when something isn't perfect, I go ca-razy. Especially in my paperwork at school. If there's a tiny little wrinkle, or I erased a word too many times, I will get a new paper and re-do it. And my school bag has to be perfectly clean. My room...not so much(; lol. And I don't like not being in control of my life. I want to be able to make my own decisions. So when my friends try and set me up with a boy, and I yell at them, they always think I'm crazy. I want to make things happen on my own. Sometimes I feel like I'm stupid for that. But I trust myself. I don't wanna end up hurt. And sometimes, I'm the only one who can garuntee myself that.
You ever look in the mirror and think "ew."? Yeah...it sucks. But what I've learned is that your imperfections are what make you, you. I don't like my nose. I think it looks like a fat, rabbit's nose. But Psh, maybe someone will think that my fat rabbit's nose is beautiful one day(:
I guess that's it for now. I feel like if I continue writing, Ill keep repeating myself so...
Au revoir, mon amour!!
-Kiera(:
Laugh, and the world laughs with you
Weep, and you weep alone
For the sad old earth must borrow it's mirth
But has trouble enough of it's own
Sing, and the hills will answer
Sigh, it is Lost in the air
The echoes bound from a joyful sound
But shrink from voicing care
Rejoice, and men will seek you
Grieve, they will turn and go
They want full measure of all your pleasure
But they do not need your woe.
Be glad and your friends are many
Be sad, you will lose them all
There are none to decline your nectared wine
But alone you must drink life's gall
Feast, and your halls are crowded
Fast, and the world goes by
Succeed and give, and it helps you live
But no man can help you die
There is room in the halls of pleasure
For a large ad Lordy train
But one by one we must al file on
Through the narrow isles of pain
Great, right? I love it. It fits me so well. It seems so true though. A lotta people have befriended me, and I've been stupid enough to put my trust in them, and then they end up hurting me. Someone you think is your best friend, who knows all your secrets, every single one, all of a sudden completely stops talking to you. And sadly, more than one person has done that to me. And it hurts- a lot. But what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Yeah, I wouldve liked for that NOT to happen, but it helped me realize who my real friends. And there's is only one friend in my life that I can relate to so well that I can truly tell er everyone. She is my true best friend, but I won't name names... It's really great to have someone like that. When the rest of the world decides that I'm not worth their time, she's got my back. Sometimes I do feel alone though. Sometimes a friend like that isn't enough. Because I have other best friends, just not ones that I trust asmich as her. And it still hurts when they're too busy for me. I have this friend that her boyfriend broke up with her, and we bece really close right after. But soon after she found a new boyfriend. And slowly but surely, I was not the most important person in her life anymore. I didn't get invited to hang out, and outside of school, we didn't talk. And that felt unfair. And then there's the fact that a lot of my friends don't understand how my brain works. Sometimes I don't understand it either. But sometimes the things every girl would love, I don't want. Why, I cannot explain. There was this guy that liked me. All my best friends kept telling me to give hi a chance and blahblahblah. So I tried to pretend I liked him. And it made me feel horrible. Sometimes, you just gotta what's meant to be happen. You can't force yourself into something that doesnt make you happy. And I understand that now. My mom says I'm just 'scared' cuz I don't want to be hurt. Okay, that might be part of it. But I know what I want, and when people try and tell me what I should want, it is one of my pet peeves. I'm my own person. Get out. Ha(:
So, it's almost the end of 2011. Not necessarily an 'eventful' year. But I am a better person. 1st semester this year I have straight a's. No A-s!! That makes me very happy. I'm not really that smart, honestly. I am so stupid when it comes to street-smarts. And I wouldn't be surprised if I had a learning disability. I learn WAY slower than most people do...especially when it comes to physical stuff like DANCING. But I'm also a perfectionist. and when something isn't perfect, I go ca-razy. Especially in my paperwork at school. If there's a tiny little wrinkle, or I erased a word too many times, I will get a new paper and re-do it. And my school bag has to be perfectly clean. My room...not so much(; lol. And I don't like not being in control of my life. I want to be able to make my own decisions. So when my friends try and set me up with a boy, and I yell at them, they always think I'm crazy. I want to make things happen on my own. Sometimes I feel like I'm stupid for that. But I trust myself. I don't wanna end up hurt. And sometimes, I'm the only one who can garuntee myself that.
You ever look in the mirror and think "ew."? Yeah...it sucks. But what I've learned is that your imperfections are what make you, you. I don't like my nose. I think it looks like a fat, rabbit's nose. But Psh, maybe someone will think that my fat rabbit's nose is beautiful one day(:
I guess that's it for now. I feel like if I continue writing, Ill keep repeating myself so...
Au revoir, mon amour!!
-Kiera(:
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Happy Days!
Hola amigos!! (: I've probably started multiple blogs like that, but honestly, I don't care. :P I haven't been on lately because, frankly, we do not have internet. We haven't since before we went on vacation. I'm posting from my neighbor's house right now, so be thankful I have a nice neighbor(:
So I have started my Sophomore year of High School and so far it is absolutely wonderfully fantastic! Everything is going so much better than I even imagined it could go, and I'm really excited for the year to progress. Show Choir is going great and Colorguard is really starting to get a lot better. It's been really really hard missing colorguard camp and having to learn the routine quickly...It's very challenging. I still don't know a LOT of it, and I haven't been able to do even one song without screwing up. But I just keep telling myself to have confidence. And not to worry about all the little things. Sure, colorgaurd is...a big thing. But I'm doing okay. Even if I mess up every once in a while (or a little bit MORE than every once in a while) I know that I'll get it. And I have people that want me to succeed. I'm so thankful for that!! Right now, life is wonderful.! Happy Happy Happy day. Although sometimes I do feel unconfident and dumb and you know...the usual. But lately, I've just been a lot more happy. Which is good. (:
-Kiera
So I have started my Sophomore year of High School and so far it is absolutely wonderfully fantastic! Everything is going so much better than I even imagined it could go, and I'm really excited for the year to progress. Show Choir is going great and Colorguard is really starting to get a lot better. It's been really really hard missing colorguard camp and having to learn the routine quickly...It's very challenging. I still don't know a LOT of it, and I haven't been able to do even one song without screwing up. But I just keep telling myself to have confidence. And not to worry about all the little things. Sure, colorgaurd is...a big thing. But I'm doing okay. Even if I mess up every once in a while (or a little bit MORE than every once in a while) I know that I'll get it. And I have people that want me to succeed. I'm so thankful for that!! Right now, life is wonderful.! Happy Happy Happy day. Although sometimes I do feel unconfident and dumb and you know...the usual. But lately, I've just been a lot more happy. Which is good. (:
-Kiera
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Holaaa!! Still in south Carolina. I really wish we could stay longer than a week. It's so beautiful here. It's rained almost the whole time we've been here and it's still so much better than boring ol' Missouri. I wish I could just move here.
We went bodysurfing as usual today. We've done it everyday we've been here and it's so much fun!! You feel like your flying. Pretty awesome. It's so calming to go to the beach and just walk, especially at night. We went and walked down the beach last night, and it just made me wanna make a music video. Hah!! The waves are unreal. Sleeping in this room at night is like a dream. You can hear the ocean, the waves. It's awesome(:
-Kiera
We went bodysurfing as usual today. We've done it everyday we've been here and it's so much fun!! You feel like your flying. Pretty awesome. It's so calming to go to the beach and just walk, especially at night. We went and walked down the beach last night, and it just made me wanna make a music video. Hah!! The waves are unreal. Sleeping in this room at night is like a dream. You can hear the ocean, the waves. It's awesome(:
-Kiera
Monday, July 25, 2011
I hope you dance
The title of this blog is the name of a song I love. And why, you ask? Because at the moment, I am in south Carolina, staying at a beach house that when you look outside, the backyard, is the beach. And in the song the title mentions, some lyrics are "I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean" the thing is, I do feel small. I've never felt so small. To think that that ocean stretches on so far it seems like forever. No wonder people used to think the world was square and the ocean dropped off like a cliff. The world is so BIG. I can't help but wonder what's out there for me. People are so different. No one is exactly alike, and its so amazing to think about how many different people there are. How many similarities and differences there really is. And looking at the ocean does make you think twice about your life. Looking out over the waves and the sun and the water that seems to stretch on forever makes you realize a lot. God made that ocean. God is looking down on your right now thinking your beautiful. God forgives every one of us for every horrible sin we've ever committed. That's amazing. I know I always go into mushy God stuff, and i apologize if it makes any readers uncomfortable. But it's my life. Some people argue that God can't be real. "if God were real, why is there so much pain and suffering in the world?" people ask. Two words. Free will. God gave us the power to make whatever we wish of our lives. Whether they be good things, or bad. We must allow ourselves to love God. I don't understand people who don't believe, but I suppose it just because I do know God. I must admit, sometimes I get scared. Smetimes I think...what if God wasn't real? What if when people died, it was just like sleeping--except you...never wake up. Sometimes I'll lay in bed late at night thinking about that. And its really scary. But then I realize that he is there. He's watching over me and he's showing me everyday that one day I will be with him in heaven. He shows me through the world arorund me. Ands it's a beautiful thing.
I'm actually a very self conscious person. And if you've read even one of my blog posts, you already know that. I know I shouldnt be so unconfident. God made me beautiful the way I am, in his image. But...everyone has self confidence issues sometimes. For me, it's more than just every once in a while. I guess In some ways, I'm your average teenage girl. Except I do think differently. My best friend and her mom were discussing this in the car. I am independent and have a different mind than most teens do. I am not a follower. I am a leader. Not that I think I need to lead everyone. I just don't follow trends that I don't believe in. I don't rebel against trends just because everyone likes them, like some in pendant people do. I don't care what everyone things of me. Well, I guess i do care, but I dint care to the extent to change myself for others. I've thught about it. I doubt myself sometimes, and want to change to make people like me more. And then I realize that the people that like me for who I am no now, are the people I want in my lfe. Not the others who want me to change.
Alright I guess that's it for tonight. More sometimes soon hopefully.
Sweet dreams, hooligans(:
-Kiera
I'm actually a very self conscious person. And if you've read even one of my blog posts, you already know that. I know I shouldnt be so unconfident. God made me beautiful the way I am, in his image. But...everyone has self confidence issues sometimes. For me, it's more than just every once in a while. I guess In some ways, I'm your average teenage girl. Except I do think differently. My best friend and her mom were discussing this in the car. I am independent and have a different mind than most teens do. I am not a follower. I am a leader. Not that I think I need to lead everyone. I just don't follow trends that I don't believe in. I don't rebel against trends just because everyone likes them, like some in pendant people do. I don't care what everyone things of me. Well, I guess i do care, but I dint care to the extent to change myself for others. I've thught about it. I doubt myself sometimes, and want to change to make people like me more. And then I realize that the people that like me for who I am no now, are the people I want in my lfe. Not the others who want me to change.
Alright I guess that's it for tonight. More sometimes soon hopefully.
Sweet dreams, hooligans(:
-Kiera
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
You can't spell Beautiful without BE U.
Hello bloggers, readers and extraterrestrial aliens, and welcome to Life in a Fishbowl. Now that, my friends, sounds like the introduction to some cheesy game show. We just need some flashy lights, a ridiculously annoying loud voice and a lot of arm movements and we're all set! So todayyy was a fantastic day. Or should I say yesterday considering it's past midnight. I know, I know, I'm always blogging way past midnight. I always get interrupted during the day. Or I just ramble the whole time and end up not posting the whole thing because it's not long enough. I promise I will post this one, just because I said that. Well...if you're reading this I obviously posted that so I'm pretty much just talking to myself. Well, I talk to myself anyways. No one reads this thing!! :P Alright, enough with the rambling. I had a great day today/yesterday, whatever. You wanna know why...?
I went and took my permit test again. I took it on my birthday and FAILED. Twice. It was a depressing thing you know...I felt like a TARD. and then we went down to the DMV today because we had the car and I took it again and the first time I failed and immediately got up and said I want to take it again. The second time, I sat down and took deep breaths and prayed. It sounds totally cheesy, but I really did this. I sat down, and prayed for the Lord to stay with me, keep me calm and guide me through this. I knew I could do it, I failed the first 3 times because my nerves got the best of me. The stupid computerized version of it is so nerve-wrecking. It tells you after each question if you got it right or not and the stupid computerized voice is on the earphones the whole time which is EXTREMELY annoying. So this time I didn't put the headphones on and after the 4th time taking the test I FINALLY passed it and got my permit! I was so excited. Thank God I never have to take that stupid test again. At least I hope to God I do not. So I got my permit, (and my picture on it actually looks pretty good) and then I got to go see my grandma! My gramma is probably one of my, if not THE, most favorite people in the world. She's so freaking sweet. She's really sick right now and it really worries me, but she went to the doctor about something and her hearts doing a lot better and she's starting to feel a lot better too. I'm really glad. I hated knowing she was lying in the hospital so sickly. I was so happy to see her, and I can't wait to go see her again. She only lives about half an hour away but since we never have the car we never get to go see her and she doesn't like to drive. We don't like her to drive anywhere alone anyways. But I'm gonna make my mom take us more often. My mom wants to see her, sometimes we just...don't go I guess. But my grandma's house is my favorite place in the whole wide world. It's so peaceful and...grandmaey. I've probably mentioned this before though. It's just an amazing place to be.
This week is fair week and about a million people have begged me to go to the fair with them this week. I hate being poor. I'm trying to save up for my car. Me and mom were talking about it on the way home from Gramma's today and since I'm 15 now, I'm gonna try and get a job. It's gonna be hard considering we only have one car and I'd have to take the night shift of everything but...I think I could do it. If I try really hard to find one. I just want some money. I want to be able to have a car and It's my goal to get one when I turn 16, or at least WHEN I am 16. Imma work HARD for this. I'll work every night if I have to. I want a CAR.
Alrighty so...I really don't have anymore to say. I'll write soon though. I like filling myself in with my life, even though I'm probably the most boring person in the universe. Hey, I can vent. :P
Au Revoir(:
-Kiera
I went and took my permit test again. I took it on my birthday and FAILED. Twice. It was a depressing thing you know...I felt like a TARD. and then we went down to the DMV today because we had the car and I took it again and the first time I failed and immediately got up and said I want to take it again. The second time, I sat down and took deep breaths and prayed. It sounds totally cheesy, but I really did this. I sat down, and prayed for the Lord to stay with me, keep me calm and guide me through this. I knew I could do it, I failed the first 3 times because my nerves got the best of me. The stupid computerized version of it is so nerve-wrecking. It tells you after each question if you got it right or not and the stupid computerized voice is on the earphones the whole time which is EXTREMELY annoying. So this time I didn't put the headphones on and after the 4th time taking the test I FINALLY passed it and got my permit! I was so excited. Thank God I never have to take that stupid test again. At least I hope to God I do not. So I got my permit, (and my picture on it actually looks pretty good) and then I got to go see my grandma! My gramma is probably one of my, if not THE, most favorite people in the world. She's so freaking sweet. She's really sick right now and it really worries me, but she went to the doctor about something and her hearts doing a lot better and she's starting to feel a lot better too. I'm really glad. I hated knowing she was lying in the hospital so sickly. I was so happy to see her, and I can't wait to go see her again. She only lives about half an hour away but since we never have the car we never get to go see her and she doesn't like to drive. We don't like her to drive anywhere alone anyways. But I'm gonna make my mom take us more often. My mom wants to see her, sometimes we just...don't go I guess. But my grandma's house is my favorite place in the whole wide world. It's so peaceful and...grandmaey. I've probably mentioned this before though. It's just an amazing place to be.
This week is fair week and about a million people have begged me to go to the fair with them this week. I hate being poor. I'm trying to save up for my car. Me and mom were talking about it on the way home from Gramma's today and since I'm 15 now, I'm gonna try and get a job. It's gonna be hard considering we only have one car and I'd have to take the night shift of everything but...I think I could do it. If I try really hard to find one. I just want some money. I want to be able to have a car and It's my goal to get one when I turn 16, or at least WHEN I am 16. Imma work HARD for this. I'll work every night if I have to. I want a CAR.
Alrighty so...I really don't have anymore to say. I'll write soon though. I like filling myself in with my life, even though I'm probably the most boring person in the universe. Hey, I can vent. :P
Au Revoir(:
-Kiera
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Turning Tables
You know that moment when you only see all the little things around you? Like the tiny creases under your little brothers eyes when he smiles, or the way the sunlight bounces off the leaves on the trees? Or the sound of the wind when everyone only hears the loudness of a marching band and the marching of feet on the hot summer concrete? The little things are what matter the most.
Today I was in a parade. For Marching band. I'm not in band and I don't play an instrument. I am in colorguard. Yep. Flag twirlers. But I would never ever actually call colorguard flagtwirlers because most of us get offended by that. "Flag twirlers" is such an understatement. I've worked my butt off in colorguard. It's really hard to try and make everything you do perfect and precise. It was over 100 degrees outside today and we had to march a really long time while doing our routine and it was not fun. I honestly thought I was having a heat stroke when we got back to the high school. I was so hot, that I started getting shivers. Definitely not cool. With the exception of the heat, though, it was a pretty good day. It was really nice to be able to see my friends again and to participate in something 'school-wide' or whatever you'd call it. I really do enjoy colorguard and I'm really glad I tried out. I didn't think I'd make it, because I absolutely, positively SCREWED UP my audition, but I did and I guess it's because our director or coach or...whatever- knows that I work hard. I work something until I get it; no exceptions. That's how I made it through Show Choir and that's how I'm making it through Colorguard. At first, I hated it, but now that I'm starting to get the hang of things, I really enjoy it. But I'm going to have to miss a whole week of learning our entire Marching Band show choreography and then I'm gonna hate it all over again. But once I get it I know it'll be way worth it.
I'm going on Vacation to South Carolina in a few weeks. We're leaving on the 23rd I think. I'm excited to spend some time with the family. Get away from this hicktown..:P I've only seen the ocean once and it was so cold it was kinda hard to really enjoy it. This time It'll be hotter hopefully...:P My dad said he'll learn to surf with me. That'd be cool, but it's really dangerous. I told him I'd do it, but I'm probably gonna freak out.
I really hope this upcoming school year is fun. I have a good feeling about it, but...sometimes I wonder.
I get really, really self-conscious sometimes. Lately I just...look in the mirror and I'm not happy with what I see. I try so hard but...it never seems to do anything. I guess I just have to be myself. People just have to accept that. Sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough, and I shouldn't even try. I'm an okay singer and I post videos on youtube...but no one really watches them. It makes me feel like an idiot for trying. People always tell me how talented I am, but...I just don't believe them. I'm not that good. I'm just...average. I wish I could be something more than average. I hate when people get so annoyed by the fact that I sing all the time. I guess singing is the only thing that makes me feel good about myself, and I really don't want that to go away. I love it. And I don't just do it because people tell me I'm good at it. I truly love singing and I would never stop. Just sometimes I feel so dumb. I tried out for X-Factor and I didn't even make it past the first round. If I can see, I wish someone would tell me what I can fix so I CAN fix it. So I don't feel like an idiot. So that I believe that I'm great. I dunno. I guess it's just like that lately. I'm not depressed. I'm a pretty happy person. I have great friends and family and I have a good life. I wish I could believe in myself.
Song of the Day: Turning Tables-Adele
-Kiera
Today I was in a parade. For Marching band. I'm not in band and I don't play an instrument. I am in colorguard. Yep. Flag twirlers. But I would never ever actually call colorguard flagtwirlers because most of us get offended by that. "Flag twirlers" is such an understatement. I've worked my butt off in colorguard. It's really hard to try and make everything you do perfect and precise. It was over 100 degrees outside today and we had to march a really long time while doing our routine and it was not fun. I honestly thought I was having a heat stroke when we got back to the high school. I was so hot, that I started getting shivers. Definitely not cool. With the exception of the heat, though, it was a pretty good day. It was really nice to be able to see my friends again and to participate in something 'school-wide' or whatever you'd call it. I really do enjoy colorguard and I'm really glad I tried out. I didn't think I'd make it, because I absolutely, positively SCREWED UP my audition, but I did and I guess it's because our director or coach or...whatever- knows that I work hard. I work something until I get it; no exceptions. That's how I made it through Show Choir and that's how I'm making it through Colorguard. At first, I hated it, but now that I'm starting to get the hang of things, I really enjoy it. But I'm going to have to miss a whole week of learning our entire Marching Band show choreography and then I'm gonna hate it all over again. But once I get it I know it'll be way worth it.
I'm going on Vacation to South Carolina in a few weeks. We're leaving on the 23rd I think. I'm excited to spend some time with the family. Get away from this hicktown..:P I've only seen the ocean once and it was so cold it was kinda hard to really enjoy it. This time It'll be hotter hopefully...:P My dad said he'll learn to surf with me. That'd be cool, but it's really dangerous. I told him I'd do it, but I'm probably gonna freak out.
I really hope this upcoming school year is fun. I have a good feeling about it, but...sometimes I wonder.
I get really, really self-conscious sometimes. Lately I just...look in the mirror and I'm not happy with what I see. I try so hard but...it never seems to do anything. I guess I just have to be myself. People just have to accept that. Sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough, and I shouldn't even try. I'm an okay singer and I post videos on youtube...but no one really watches them. It makes me feel like an idiot for trying. People always tell me how talented I am, but...I just don't believe them. I'm not that good. I'm just...average. I wish I could be something more than average. I hate when people get so annoyed by the fact that I sing all the time. I guess singing is the only thing that makes me feel good about myself, and I really don't want that to go away. I love it. And I don't just do it because people tell me I'm good at it. I truly love singing and I would never stop. Just sometimes I feel so dumb. I tried out for X-Factor and I didn't even make it past the first round. If I can see, I wish someone would tell me what I can fix so I CAN fix it. So I don't feel like an idiot. So that I believe that I'm great. I dunno. I guess it's just like that lately. I'm not depressed. I'm a pretty happy person. I have great friends and family and I have a good life. I wish I could believe in myself.
Song of the Day: Turning Tables-Adele
-Kiera
Monday, June 27, 2011
The Venting Corner(:
I always try and post something on here, and once I begin the blog, I end up deleting the whole thing. I've just felt out of inspirational juice lately. I'm at my best friend Jayna's house right now. So I'm not sure how long I'll be able to write, but I think I'll post it whether it's long or not. I haven't wrote in a while, and I wanna keep this blog up(:
So, life is pretty good I guess. Things are starting to settle down. I'm starting to figure things out. People do upset me a lot, but I gotta realize that not everyone is going to like me. I'm not the most loveable person in the world, and I try my best to be the best overall person I can be, but sometimes, people just won't like me. Not because of something I did, or because of who I am, but just because. I guess I'll have to accept that and focus on the people that DO like me. The people that love me. Which, surprisingly, I have a lot of. I am blessed with a great family and wonderful friends that I know will always have my back. Before now, I didn't realize the wonderful life I could lead. I just kinda went with it. I wasn't some drunk, drug addict of course. I've always been a good kid. But lately I've been through a lot of stuff that has hurt me really bad. People, feelings and just...a lot of hurtful stuff. It's really surprising when people hurt you, and they know they've hurt you, you tell them they've hurt you, other people do to, and they still don't care. I guess some people just aren't the best kind of people.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Which is absolutely 100% true(: I know I say this a lot, but living for God is truly the way to live. I don't go to church every Sunday, and I know I should, but I can't help that my parents don't wanna go. That doesn't make them horrible parents and it doesn't mean they are horrible Christians. I know going to Church is important and that I really should, but just because I don't go to church every sunday doesn't mean I don't love God with all my heart. I've chosen to live my life the way I've chosen to live it, and right now, I wouldn't change a thing. I 've been through a lot of challenges and I know that I will face so, so much more ahead of me. But I'm ready to face them. And I know I've got people that love me behind me. and that makes me really, truly happy.
I used to not know who my friends were, who I could really trust. But now I have people that love me that I can go to with anything that I love just the same. I'm gonna be a Sophomore next year, and I'm excited to start the year because I have a really good feeling about next year. I'm in Express Show Choir, Concert Choir (The highest choir at my high school) and I made Colorguard(: It's gonna be a good year, and I'm ready to face it. and I know I'm not alone at that too.
So, life is pretty good I guess. Things are starting to settle down. I'm starting to figure things out. People do upset me a lot, but I gotta realize that not everyone is going to like me. I'm not the most loveable person in the world, and I try my best to be the best overall person I can be, but sometimes, people just won't like me. Not because of something I did, or because of who I am, but just because. I guess I'll have to accept that and focus on the people that DO like me. The people that love me. Which, surprisingly, I have a lot of. I am blessed with a great family and wonderful friends that I know will always have my back. Before now, I didn't realize the wonderful life I could lead. I just kinda went with it. I wasn't some drunk, drug addict of course. I've always been a good kid. But lately I've been through a lot of stuff that has hurt me really bad. People, feelings and just...a lot of hurtful stuff. It's really surprising when people hurt you, and they know they've hurt you, you tell them they've hurt you, other people do to, and they still don't care. I guess some people just aren't the best kind of people.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Which is absolutely 100% true(: I know I say this a lot, but living for God is truly the way to live. I don't go to church every Sunday, and I know I should, but I can't help that my parents don't wanna go. That doesn't make them horrible parents and it doesn't mean they are horrible Christians. I know going to Church is important and that I really should, but just because I don't go to church every sunday doesn't mean I don't love God with all my heart. I've chosen to live my life the way I've chosen to live it, and right now, I wouldn't change a thing. I 've been through a lot of challenges and I know that I will face so, so much more ahead of me. But I'm ready to face them. And I know I've got people that love me behind me. and that makes me really, truly happy.
I used to not know who my friends were, who I could really trust. But now I have people that love me that I can go to with anything that I love just the same. I'm gonna be a Sophomore next year, and I'm excited to start the year because I have a really good feeling about next year. I'm in Express Show Choir, Concert Choir (The highest choir at my high school) and I made Colorguard(: It's gonna be a good year, and I'm ready to face it. and I know I'm not alone at that too.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Hollywood's not America.
So it's been a while, I know. Summer's not too exciting, so I haven't got much news. Life's kinda the same. People can still be jerks. And the people who were jerks before...still are. But I'm growing used to it, and...I guess those people would just rather not be in my life. And if that's what they want, if that is what will make them happy, then I guess I'll have to deal with that. Sometimes people come into your life at the perfect time. And it makes you realize who is meant to be in your life. Some people have come and gone, and completely changed my life, and I guess sometimes, even if those people don't intend to stay, they can change you. The people I love are really helping me to realize who I am and helping me to not care what people say. People make fun of me, but I shouldn't care. I know I say this way too often. But I'm just really sick of people hurting me. over and over again. Because people know I'm strong enough to just brush it off. But I'm also strong enough to say that it's not cool. and you remember X-FActor? I was invited to audition over video on Youtube. but I gotta do it by the 9th. So I'm working on some stuff...I like the song Bound to You by Christina Aguilera...or Turning Tables by Adele. Or a Carrie Underwood song. (: We'll see.
-Kiera
-Kiera
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Who are you?
Hello bloggers. I wanna start by apologizing for my extremely rude and innapropriate rant last post. Although everything was very true and I am still extremely angry about all of it-nothing being changed-It was a little mean to call people names so I apologize. Although I'm not apologizing to anyone in specific. Just whomever read this and had to suffer through the reading of my venting. Except for the person that I was talking about. If you read it, I don't apologize because I'm so mad at you I could seriously rip your head off right now. :)
So I've found that when you have true friends, you know that they won't go behind your back telling people crap about you. Or you think you do. I guess I'm just gonna have to keep telling myself that I'll be fine, and that people do love me for who I am. I know it sounds dumb, but Hannah Montanna is totally right when she says nobody's perfect. Nothing is perfect. Things can seem perfect, but in a blink of an eye, something that is so 'perfect' can fall right apart. It a split second.
Think of how much time it takes for a car to swerve to the other side of the rode. What? .2 miliseconds? In those .02 miliseconds a life could be taken. Before I was born, my aunt Julie was in a really bad car accident where a Drunk Driver hit her car head on and totalled the car and really, really hurt her. She's been in the nursing home ever since. She left behind a family...friends...everything. Of course we all still care about her and even though I never met her before she was in the accident, I know she was and still is a wonderful, beautiful person, and I love her even if I've only met her a few times. She's part of my family, and my family means the world to me. To think about that makes me really...wonder. To love someone without even knowing them is such an interesting thought. How many people on this Earth love you without even knowing you? I bet there are more than you think.
So yeah. I guess it's just kind of interesting to think about that.
and something that also really leaves...awe-stricken is the fact that your views of a single person can change within a minute. You can really care about someone, with all your heart, and love everything about them, and then the next minute you look at them and you think...what happened? What kind of a person are you now? You used to be a real genuine person and now look at you. That's not real. Who are you?
I guess that's all I have to say.
-Kiera
So I've found that when you have true friends, you know that they won't go behind your back telling people crap about you. Or you think you do. I guess I'm just gonna have to keep telling myself that I'll be fine, and that people do love me for who I am. I know it sounds dumb, but Hannah Montanna is totally right when she says nobody's perfect. Nothing is perfect. Things can seem perfect, but in a blink of an eye, something that is so 'perfect' can fall right apart. It a split second.
Think of how much time it takes for a car to swerve to the other side of the rode. What? .2 miliseconds? In those .02 miliseconds a life could be taken. Before I was born, my aunt Julie was in a really bad car accident where a Drunk Driver hit her car head on and totalled the car and really, really hurt her. She's been in the nursing home ever since. She left behind a family...friends...everything. Of course we all still care about her and even though I never met her before she was in the accident, I know she was and still is a wonderful, beautiful person, and I love her even if I've only met her a few times. She's part of my family, and my family means the world to me. To think about that makes me really...wonder. To love someone without even knowing them is such an interesting thought. How many people on this Earth love you without even knowing you? I bet there are more than you think.
So yeah. I guess it's just kind of interesting to think about that.
and something that also really leaves...awe-stricken is the fact that your views of a single person can change within a minute. You can really care about someone, with all your heart, and love everything about them, and then the next minute you look at them and you think...what happened? What kind of a person are you now? You used to be a real genuine person and now look at you. That's not real. Who are you?
I guess that's all I have to say.
-Kiera
Sunday, May 15, 2011
What can I say?
So you know what makes me mad? When your really good friends with someone, and they just completely stop talking to you. This has happened with 2 of my best friends in one week. Literally, my two best friends. Completely stopped talking to me. I think one of em' has a reason. But it really pisses me off when you do it for no reason whatsoever. Oh or when I tell you about how I'm all depressed because all my friends are ditching me and I feel so dumb and lonely and you tell me you'll always be there for me, and that I don't need to worry because I have you. And then a few days after I tell you this, after you finally regain my trust, and we're friends and everything is all peachy keen, you STOP TALKING TO ME!!! Like I'm some kind of 'threat' or because people tell you you shouldn't talk to me! If you were my real friend you wouldn't give a crap. So you're gonna go and let everyone torture me and just listen to everyone else while I'm sitting here alone with no friends and your sitting on your ass whistling. Why the FREAK would that be okay?! Why is it okay to be my good friend one day and then to go and hurt me again. AGAIN. Two different ways. You can break my heart and then you go and ditch me as a friend too. What am I supposed to do? Because you won't let me talk to you about it, I'm stuck ranting on this stupid blog. And you get to be all happy. While I have to deal with the consequences.
I trusted you once.
Look how that turned out.
We became friends again, and you regained my trust.
You act like your so sorry for hurting me and you apologize nonstop and I think 'Okay, so maybe he's really sorry. We kin' be friends.'
and then you decide, after I finally trust you again, after I'm FINALLY happy again, to go and stop talking to me. Excuse my language but WTF?!?!?!?! You're sposed to be my friend. WTFUNIONNNN.
You know how badly I want to walk up to you and punch you in the face. And then rip someone's hair out? Badly. You've ruined it again, buddy? And I don't know if you can ever make it right again. Because you've played with my heart and my head far too much. and then you don't wanna be friends either. Now you've crossed the line.
-Kiera
I trusted you once.
Look how that turned out.
We became friends again, and you regained my trust.
You act like your so sorry for hurting me and you apologize nonstop and I think 'Okay, so maybe he's really sorry. We kin' be friends.'
and then you decide, after I finally trust you again, after I'm FINALLY happy again, to go and stop talking to me. Excuse my language but WTF?!?!?!?! You're sposed to be my friend. WTFUNIONNNN.
You know how badly I want to walk up to you and punch you in the face. And then rip someone's hair out? Badly. You've ruined it again, buddy? And I don't know if you can ever make it right again. Because you've played with my heart and my head far too much. and then you don't wanna be friends either. Now you've crossed the line.
-Kiera
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
To Make you Feel My Love
Good afternoon, blogger. I realize that I write a lot whenever I'm extremely bored. But I'm a whole lot more confident then I was yesterday. Something that sucks is sometimes you lose people you love because they feel indifferently. Sometimes people are just not for you. I have some great friends, and some friends that are not so great and aren't exactly my friends anymore. It hurts to think about those people not being in my life all of a sudden, for no reason whatsoever. Just because they decided I wasn't worth it anymore. But it makes me think. If they really don't care about my feelings and if I'm happy, which they never have, then they were never really a true friend. So it's their loss, not mine. I'm the one they confided in to tell their darkest secret, and I told mine. But when I asked for advice, I got nothing. My mom said it's just that they aren't good listeners, but I don't think that's it. It's probably that and that they honestly don't give a flying freak about me. But that's okay. I have people that really do care about me and I understand that now.
One of my best friends went through a really bad breakup today. I wanted to slap people when they asked her if she was okay. I didn't ask her, because I've been in that position before, and if someone's crying in school over a dumb boy, DON'T ask them if they're okay! Because they're not. Especially if they're in the situation me or my friend were/are in. Sometimes when your heartbroken, all you can do is tell yourself you'll be okay, quit wishing for the impossible, and let time piece your heart back together. It takes a long time. I'm still not quite myself, but it's not anyone's fault but mine. and I want anyone out there reading this to know that it's okay to cry. To be upset when something like that happens. Whether it's a boyfriend or a girlfriend or just a friend. It's okay to be down. The people who pick you up when your down, when you didn't ask them to, those are the real friends. Those are the people to stick by. and I won't pretend to know what love is. Love is the most complicated thing I've ever experienced, and there's so many forms of it, you probably can't count. And people say love hurts. But that's not the truth. What hurts is losing it. and I've learned to smile through the tears, and remember the things that make me happy. Not the things that make me cry. Another of my best friends, went through a rough breakup with her boyfriend after almost 2 years, and she told me the other night that I've really helped her through it, and that hanging out with me makes it so much easier. Another piece of advice to anyone (if anyone) who is listening. If you know someone who's dealing with a hard time in their life, -t can be anything, breakups are nothing compared to actually losing a loved on- don't try to comfort and ask if they're okay all the time. When they're crying, give them a hug! Don't ask if they're okay, just hug em' and let them say something if something needs to be said. Sometimes all that there is to say is 'You still got me, no matter what.'. And when they're not crying, don't remind them of it! DON'T ask "So how are you dealing with the breakup?" Hang out with them and do something that won't leave moments for them to sit and think. Because thinking is baaad sometimes. They'll get better. Just be the shoulder to cry on, and the goofball to mess around with.
I feel like I'm giving "How-To" steps or something! :P
So, moving onto the next topic. (Yes, I'm very talkative today)
God.
Lately, I haven't been as close to God. I don't know what it is, probably that I'm getting lazy, or the fact that things have distracted me. Thoughts, people, hobbies, whatever it is. But I have no excuse to leave God out of my life at any time, and neither does anyone else. I can't even remember last time I went to youth mass, which is BAD. Okay...I went...when we had Spagetti...I think that was the last time. But I need to go back. Because I have a feeling that I'm feeling so unconfident because I don't have God in my life as much as before. I prayed for awhile last night. Sometimes, it's hard to pray. Sometimes I get bored and my brain wanders. But if I really focus on talking to him...it's like no other feeling in the world. It warms my heart just thinking about it:) Knowing I can talk to someone about absolutely anything and know that it won't swarm around the school like a wild-fire (swam and wildfire...kind of an oxymoron.) I love being who I am. and I know God wants me to accept that. So I will. I can, and I will.
I need to be more confident in myself, and believe that I'm amazing. (but not TOO amazing;) because confidence is key to going far...in practically anything. I can have that confidence. People sometimes tell me stop singing because it's annoying. But what they don't understand is...singing is that one thing that makes me feel...invincible. When I'm singing, I just feel...happy. I love it more than anything in the world. It makes me feel so confident. Because it's really the only thing I'm good at, and I accept that and try my best in everything I do. In colorguard, everyone keeps telling me I suck and I'm not gonna make it. People telling me that I can't, only pushes me to try harder. Because I'm going to prove to those jerks that I can make this, and I'm going to work my butt off at it. I may not be fantastic at it; I'm most definitely not a natural, but I like it and I love finally getting a move right. That's the hard thing about dancing/colorguard, all that jazz...I get singing. It's just a natural ability. Music is my strong point. It always will be. Dancing, I suck at. I'm not a natural, but I know if I work really hard at it, I'll be okay. I'm not gonna let myself suck because people tell me I do. I'm going to rock it, because I can. Because I work hard and because I'm not going to let anyone bring me down. So maybe I'm not a dancer. So maybe I'm not the most beautiful, poised girl in the world! I really don't care if I'm not perfect. I am what I am and what I'm good at is...what I'm good at! The other stuff, I can work with. I have a hard time with dancing...so what? I like to dance. It makes me happy. Not as much as music and singing do...but I do enjoy it, so I'm not going to stop.
Thank you. To anyone who's helped me realize this. :)
(You know who you are. :) )
-Kiera
One of my best friends went through a really bad breakup today. I wanted to slap people when they asked her if she was okay. I didn't ask her, because I've been in that position before, and if someone's crying in school over a dumb boy, DON'T ask them if they're okay! Because they're not. Especially if they're in the situation me or my friend were/are in. Sometimes when your heartbroken, all you can do is tell yourself you'll be okay, quit wishing for the impossible, and let time piece your heart back together. It takes a long time. I'm still not quite myself, but it's not anyone's fault but mine. and I want anyone out there reading this to know that it's okay to cry. To be upset when something like that happens. Whether it's a boyfriend or a girlfriend or just a friend. It's okay to be down. The people who pick you up when your down, when you didn't ask them to, those are the real friends. Those are the people to stick by. and I won't pretend to know what love is. Love is the most complicated thing I've ever experienced, and there's so many forms of it, you probably can't count. And people say love hurts. But that's not the truth. What hurts is losing it. and I've learned to smile through the tears, and remember the things that make me happy. Not the things that make me cry. Another of my best friends, went through a rough breakup with her boyfriend after almost 2 years, and she told me the other night that I've really helped her through it, and that hanging out with me makes it so much easier. Another piece of advice to anyone (if anyone) who is listening. If you know someone who's dealing with a hard time in their life, -t can be anything, breakups are nothing compared to actually losing a loved on- don't try to comfort and ask if they're okay all the time. When they're crying, give them a hug! Don't ask if they're okay, just hug em' and let them say something if something needs to be said. Sometimes all that there is to say is 'You still got me, no matter what.'. And when they're not crying, don't remind them of it! DON'T ask "So how are you dealing with the breakup?" Hang out with them and do something that won't leave moments for them to sit and think. Because thinking is baaad sometimes. They'll get better. Just be the shoulder to cry on, and the goofball to mess around with.
I feel like I'm giving "How-To" steps or something! :P
So, moving onto the next topic. (Yes, I'm very talkative today)
God.
Lately, I haven't been as close to God. I don't know what it is, probably that I'm getting lazy, or the fact that things have distracted me. Thoughts, people, hobbies, whatever it is. But I have no excuse to leave God out of my life at any time, and neither does anyone else. I can't even remember last time I went to youth mass, which is BAD. Okay...I went...when we had Spagetti...I think that was the last time. But I need to go back. Because I have a feeling that I'm feeling so unconfident because I don't have God in my life as much as before. I prayed for awhile last night. Sometimes, it's hard to pray. Sometimes I get bored and my brain wanders. But if I really focus on talking to him...it's like no other feeling in the world. It warms my heart just thinking about it:) Knowing I can talk to someone about absolutely anything and know that it won't swarm around the school like a wild-fire (swam and wildfire...kind of an oxymoron.) I love being who I am. and I know God wants me to accept that. So I will. I can, and I will.
I need to be more confident in myself, and believe that I'm amazing. (but not TOO amazing;) because confidence is key to going far...in practically anything. I can have that confidence. People sometimes tell me stop singing because it's annoying. But what they don't understand is...singing is that one thing that makes me feel...invincible. When I'm singing, I just feel...happy. I love it more than anything in the world. It makes me feel so confident. Because it's really the only thing I'm good at, and I accept that and try my best in everything I do. In colorguard, everyone keeps telling me I suck and I'm not gonna make it. People telling me that I can't, only pushes me to try harder. Because I'm going to prove to those jerks that I can make this, and I'm going to work my butt off at it. I may not be fantastic at it; I'm most definitely not a natural, but I like it and I love finally getting a move right. That's the hard thing about dancing/colorguard, all that jazz...I get singing. It's just a natural ability. Music is my strong point. It always will be. Dancing, I suck at. I'm not a natural, but I know if I work really hard at it, I'll be okay. I'm not gonna let myself suck because people tell me I do. I'm going to rock it, because I can. Because I work hard and because I'm not going to let anyone bring me down. So maybe I'm not a dancer. So maybe I'm not the most beautiful, poised girl in the world! I really don't care if I'm not perfect. I am what I am and what I'm good at is...what I'm good at! The other stuff, I can work with. I have a hard time with dancing...so what? I like to dance. It makes me happy. Not as much as music and singing do...but I do enjoy it, so I'm not going to stop.
Thank you. To anyone who's helped me realize this. :)
(You know who you are. :) )
-Kiera
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Rollin' in the Deep.
There's a fire, starting in my heart. :) I love Adele. and the song I have chosen today for the title of this blog. So today, I chose to be lazy and not put makeup on my face; which means that gives me about an extra half hour in my daily morning routine. I may look like a slobby loser, but I feel fantastic! :P That doesn't mean I'm not ever gonna wear makeup. I may do it one day, but I must shield the world from this horrifying sight of Kiera. :P
So, I am indeed trying out for colorguard. I just thought it'd be something fun to do. Yesterday we learned a bunch of steps and stuff. It's not as hard as show choir at all, but it's not too easy either. I know if I keep practicing I'll get it, and now I'm very determined to make it. Everyone says it's way fun if I make it and I have a lot of friends in it; it'd be cool if I could do this. You never know. Maybe I'll make it. Maybe I won't. we'll see.
So I wrote a song the other night. I'm not going to give you the lyrics for 2 reasons.
1) The lyrics are upstairs in my book and I am L A Z Y!!
2) Honestly, I don't want anyone but me and possibly my sister to see them. Embarrassing:P
So yepp. That's why. Haa. You're just so curious, rigght? Well, too. bad.
Today's a purple day. Which means I have P.E in the morning and I absolutely HATE P.E. But something that REALLY sucks, is the fact that I have to carry my colorguard flag around all day. and it's huge. It's huge compared to me at least. I'm small...kind of. Average for a 14 year old girl I suppose. and this flag is taller than me, and I'm gonna hit people with it and AHH. I'll try. but it's not gonna be easy.
So I just realized how much I've changed this year. In good ways, and bad ways. I just glanced at my school picture this year, that was taken at the beginning of the school year and...wow. Holy different. It's a good picture of me. I look happy. I'm actually wearing the exact same outfit I'm wearing to school today in that picture...'cept I can't find my headband that goes with that outfit and I'm wearing a ponytail and my glasses today. But I am different. I guess I learned how to put makeup on and do my hair and..be a girl. An attempt at pretty. At the Beginning of the school year I was just a dork. A happy dork, that didn't care what the hell anyone thought of her. Now I'm a depressed dork that worries what people think everyday. Hm. Which one's better? :P
Alright, so I'm running out of time and I gotta get ready to walk up to the bus stop in about 3 minutes here. Wish me luck with mah colorguardness;)
I'll update asap.
-Kiera
So, I am indeed trying out for colorguard. I just thought it'd be something fun to do. Yesterday we learned a bunch of steps and stuff. It's not as hard as show choir at all, but it's not too easy either. I know if I keep practicing I'll get it, and now I'm very determined to make it. Everyone says it's way fun if I make it and I have a lot of friends in it; it'd be cool if I could do this. You never know. Maybe I'll make it. Maybe I won't. we'll see.
So I wrote a song the other night. I'm not going to give you the lyrics for 2 reasons.
1) The lyrics are upstairs in my book and I am L A Z Y!!
2) Honestly, I don't want anyone but me and possibly my sister to see them. Embarrassing:P
So yepp. That's why. Haa. You're just so curious, rigght? Well, too. bad.
Today's a purple day. Which means I have P.E in the morning and I absolutely HATE P.E. But something that REALLY sucks, is the fact that I have to carry my colorguard flag around all day. and it's huge. It's huge compared to me at least. I'm small...kind of. Average for a 14 year old girl I suppose. and this flag is taller than me, and I'm gonna hit people with it and AHH. I'll try. but it's not gonna be easy.
So I just realized how much I've changed this year. In good ways, and bad ways. I just glanced at my school picture this year, that was taken at the beginning of the school year and...wow. Holy different. It's a good picture of me. I look happy. I'm actually wearing the exact same outfit I'm wearing to school today in that picture...'cept I can't find my headband that goes with that outfit and I'm wearing a ponytail and my glasses today. But I am different. I guess I learned how to put makeup on and do my hair and..be a girl. An attempt at pretty. At the Beginning of the school year I was just a dork. A happy dork, that didn't care what the hell anyone thought of her. Now I'm a depressed dork that worries what people think everyday. Hm. Which one's better? :P
Alright, so I'm running out of time and I gotta get ready to walk up to the bus stop in about 3 minutes here. Wish me luck with mah colorguardness;)
I'll update asap.
-Kiera
Sunday, May 1, 2011
The First Time.
I realize all the titles of my blogs are also titles of songs. I guess that's kind of ironic in a good way considering music is my life. So...woo. This weekend was quite boring. I went to Jayna's house and we had a good time watching movies, playing nintendo 64 (Mario Party; heck yes!) and making 'recipes' out of Jelly Bellies. Fun stuff:) That was the only exciting part of my weekend. Most of my weekends are boring, unless I'm on a show choir competition. Which I miss so incredibly! My life is so boring with show choir to keep me busy. I miss performing! But I guess I'm just all the more excited about next year. I have a great feeling about next year. We're going to be super good...I hope. We shouldda won this year. Dumb Mount Zion and their 'Magic Box'. So...you know how thinking isn't good for you? Or for me, I'd say. I dunno if I stand by that opinion anymore. Thinking is okay. Sometimes it hurts to realize the truth. Sometimes the truth isn't what you want it to be. But accepting the truth and learning to live with it and hope you'll get over it eventually, just feels better than trying to lie to yourself. It took a long time to realize that. But now I know that I can't lie to myself. Because even if I tell myself what I want to be true, no matter how many times I tell myself that, it's never going to be the truth. and I can't change that. I can't change the facts; the feelings and all the crap I've gone through.
New Subject.
Tomorrow is my parents' 13 year Anniversary. My parents really inspire me. It sounds so dang cheesy, but looking at them makes me believe in love. It's one of the only things that kept me from giving up on love entirely. Because I know one day I'll be happy with someone just like they are with each other. Seeing two people that in love makes me realize that it's real. That I'm not imagining things. Writing in this blog is so hard now. It feels like I've written about everything, you know. But if I have, I'll just keep repeating myself. Sometimes I tell myself I'll be alone forever. I'm too different. No one really sees any little things about me that are beautiful.
So a song just came on that I hate. So Imma go do the dishes. Cuz I can't listen to it anymore. RAWR.
-K i e r a <3
New Subject.
Tomorrow is my parents' 13 year Anniversary. My parents really inspire me. It sounds so dang cheesy, but looking at them makes me believe in love. It's one of the only things that kept me from giving up on love entirely. Because I know one day I'll be happy with someone just like they are with each other. Seeing two people that in love makes me realize that it's real. That I'm not imagining things. Writing in this blog is so hard now. It feels like I've written about everything, you know. But if I have, I'll just keep repeating myself. Sometimes I tell myself I'll be alone forever. I'm too different. No one really sees any little things about me that are beautiful.
So a song just came on that I hate. So Imma go do the dishes. Cuz I can't listen to it anymore. RAWR.
-K i e r a <3
Saturday, April 23, 2011
One Day you Will
Hey. So...I'm in the mood to write, I think. Life is just complicated right now and I'm scared. Everything's just wierd. My friends are all turning their backs on me. My 'best friend' goes around gossiping about me, ignoring me and then she comes and cries to me when a boy hurts her and expects me to be 'oh, yeah, bestie! you can come over!' She's using me. and I don't know who to turn to because no one likes me. No one wants me around. Kiera's just a loser that is there when someone needs a shoulder to cry on. I'm useless. Why am I even here? The world wouldn't miss me if I was gone. Maybe my family would. but my friends wouldn't be too upset. I'm nothing special. I just want someone to care. Like it used to be. I'm dumb to try out for X-Factor...Maybe if I make it...I can get away from stupid Troy Missouri and maybe people will actually like me if I'm on TV. Which won't happen and I'm getting my hopes up.
I put on makeup. I do my hair. I try on cute clothes. Like the other girls. I try so hard to be pretty. and I always fail. Everyday. I get up extra early so I can plaster a buncha dumb makeup on my face so that people will like me because who I am isn't good enough. I wanna feel like I'm enough. I used to feel like I was enough. and now that I actually try...no one accepts me for who I am. I'm just 'that freak'.
I'm making myself cry.
Imma go...
-Kiera
I put on makeup. I do my hair. I try on cute clothes. Like the other girls. I try so hard to be pretty. and I always fail. Everyday. I get up extra early so I can plaster a buncha dumb makeup on my face so that people will like me because who I am isn't good enough. I wanna feel like I'm enough. I used to feel like I was enough. and now that I actually try...no one accepts me for who I am. I'm just 'that freak'.
I'm making myself cry.
Imma go...
-Kiera
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Say your Sorry.
I really haven't got much to say tonight. I'm sitting here late at night waiting for my hair to dry, and I've been thinking a lot today. It was an okay day. Not fantastic, not incredible. I went home with my friend Bethany after school and we made brownies and were goofballs until we left to go see the spring play in which a multitude of my friends were in. It was absolutely fantastic:) I was so proud of everyone!! The thing that sucks this week, is I'm way over emotional -I guess I always am- and I mean even MORE than I normally am. WAY bipolar. :P But sucky things are just happening this week. I've been looking back at the past and I realize how stupid I was. I was silly, silly, silly. I guess that's how everyone must be though everyonce in a while. And lemme say, Love...is just plain silly. It's not that I don't believe in love. I absolutely believe in love. I know it, I've felt it, I will always believe in it because love is something everyone feels whether they know it or not. GOD loves me. My parents love me. My family, my friends. Who needs a boy when I got all this? Another thing that bugs me this week...my best friend apparently hates me or something; because she refuses to talk to me, and won't give me a single skittle in English class. That means she hates me:/ Sometimes I feel like everyone secretly hates me. Because I'm pretty dumb sometimes. Sometimes people make fun of me so much I feel like punching them in the face and maybe somewhere else that might make them throw up.
People are mean to me.
and I hate it. I hate how vulnerable I am. I hate how I have friends that know how sensitive and vulnerable and...hurt I am. and they continue to tease me because they think it's funny. But only when we're around other people. When we're texting or alone or somethin' these people are the best friends a girl could have. But when we get in a group of friends or around certain people, they just...hurt me. over and over again.
I just wanted to let those people know...
that I don't like being hurt.
I've been hurt more than once.
and I don't think it's cool.
So it'd be cool if you could maybe act like my friend.
Because I know you are one.
That is all.
-Kiera
People are mean to me.
and I hate it. I hate how vulnerable I am. I hate how I have friends that know how sensitive and vulnerable and...hurt I am. and they continue to tease me because they think it's funny. But only when we're around other people. When we're texting or alone or somethin' these people are the best friends a girl could have. But when we get in a group of friends or around certain people, they just...hurt me. over and over again.
I just wanted to let those people know...
that I don't like being hurt.
I've been hurt more than once.
and I don't think it's cool.
So it'd be cool if you could maybe act like my friend.
Because I know you are one.
That is all.
-Kiera
Friday, April 8, 2011
Blossomed. :)
Good morning, Blogger. So...today we leave for a last show choir competition of the year. This year, I've been through hell and back. My mom says I've really 'blossomed' and I agree. I've gone from the dorky little girl with glasses, to the dorky little girl without glasses:P Just kidding. I really have changed, in a good way. At the beginning of the year I just wasn't very pretty. Bushy eyebrows...ugly glasses...I just looked awkward. Now I guess I've grown into my looks and I know how to make myself look...not ugly? I dunno. I've become a bit more outgoing and I've learned when to say stuff, and when not to sound dumb. Although I still do sound dumb often:P Something I wish I could change, and will try to, is the fact that I'm not really as confident as I was at the beginning of the year. I let people step all over me, as I've said before, and towards the end of the year, Im getting sick of it and not letting people do that anymore. I'm becoming more and more confident and I'm gonna keep on going right up. I'm not gonna let anyone bring me down, and I know who I am isn't perfect. But who I am is who I am, and that's never going to change. :)
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Forgive and Forget
Forgive, I can do. Forgiving isn't the hard part. It's easy for me to forgive. But forgetting...that's the impossible part. I can' seem to forget everything that was, everything that isn't. Everything that happens is for a reason, right? Right.? I just wish I could change things. I'm confused. I wish I didn't feel the way I feel. Bleeehhhhhh.
I'll write more later. I gotta go...do dishes or something. Night.
xo.? O.o
-Kiera
I'll write more later. I gotta go...do dishes or something. Night.
xo.? O.o
-Kiera
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Think.
I hate thinking. Because when you think, it leads to ideas. Ideas lead to feelings. and feelings lead to tears. and Tears aren't...aren't fun. Sometimes I wish I didn't feel. because sometimes there's feelings that you want more than anything to go away, but they don't. They won't go away and I'm afraid that they'll never go away. I'm not the kind of girl that everyone loves. I'm different, I'm bizarre. I don't walk down the hall and have all my friends say 'I love you Kiera!'. Sometimes I have dreams that aren't nightmares until I wake up. When I realize they're not real. That no one cares about me like I want them to. I feel completely alone. There's always something or someone better than me. I've been happy a few times in my life. Really, truly happy. I miss that. Sometimes I wonder if being happy was worth all the tears and sadness of not being happy afterwards. Looking back and thinking that I was happy and now compared to then my life is hell. But I hate telling myself that. I just wanna be loved. I just wanna feel special. Which is why some people think I like too much attention. I do like attention. I love being onstage and having everyone clap for me, and my team mates or the rest of the cast or whatever you wanna call it. I guess that's one of the many reasons I love the theater. and because it makes me happy. Being onstage. I'm invincible. I've felt like that once in my life aside from being onstage and I won't mention that. I'm invincible and no one can hurt me. I'm me yet, I'm someone else. I'm the person singing the song. I'm different. Which is why I sing all the time. Absentmindedly. Because...it makes me feel whole. Almost, at least. Music is the only thing that makes me feel wonderful again. Like I used to. I dunno what I'm talking about. I just know I feel lonely all the time lately. I'm going to california in a day. It's past midnight now, so yeah...tomorrow. Wow. That's close. I'm excited! I change the subject too much. I think I'm gonna go.
-Kiera
-Kiera
Friday, March 11, 2011
The Little Things (and rants)
I've realized that I think; a lot. Too much. I know I've said this before, but it's true. My brain is way too busy. But sometimes, thinking is a good thing. It has its ups and downs. When I think too much, I'll make myself cry from the confusion of everything in my life. When I don't think, I end up doing something stupid. So either way, there's a chance of it ending up suckish. But it's okay to think. because when you really stop and think, you realize how wonderful the world. How sucky it is too. But to me, the things that matter most are the little things. When you stop and look at your life, it's not the huge things that happen that you really remember. It's the little things that happened during those big things. Like the memories of when you were little. You remember little things. I remember when I was 3, my cousin would come over who was a year older than me, and he would come over to the apartment alla time. And I was in love with Buzz Lightyear. I had dolls, action figures, stickers, everything. But he was afraid of him. And so my mom would tell me Tyler is coming over, and I'd run upstairs to my room and shove all my little buzz lightyear toys into my little play kitchen thing, and when he finally got to my house, we'd play in my room, and Buzz would constantly fall out of the little drawers. and I remember putting them away over and over. That's such a random, little thing to remember. But I remember it like it was yesterday. and I remember going over to my grandma's house when I was little, and she'd put on the old singing/music channel show and we'd dance around in the kitchen. I loved that. I remember from show choir trips. The way that you sit for hours and hours on end listening to a million different show choirs, and you go home and you hear choirs singing as people are talking. So someone would talk to you, and it'd sound like they were singing. A choir. Singing. Weird. But I'm not the only one who does that.
So news?
I'm trying out for the X-Factor. If you don't know what it is, it's a singing show that's new to America this year. My mom's friend Geri saw it on TV and told my mom she wanted me to try out. I told her I'd do it at first and then told my mom I'd think about it. But my mom signed me up for an audition anyways and now we're going to Chicago on the 27th of April to audition for a TV show. Not that I'm not excited or that I don't wanna do it. I'm way psyched. But I'm nervous and...scared. Not so much for the audition. I'm just kinda scared that I will make it. Because if I make it, I'd prolly have to give up school and show choir next year. I'd have to be tutored and I would be away from home...I don't wanna give up high school and everything. And everyone keeps saying 'but Kiera! You could be famous! You could be RICH!" What if I don't wanna be rich? What if I just wanna be a teenager for a while. Live my life as normal as it is now? I'm scared. I don't wanna tell my mom I don't wanna do it, cuz I do. But I don't wanna try out and make it and then back down. Maybe I just won't make it. My mom told me I'm thinking way too far ahead, and yes, I agree. but I like to know what's going to happen. I don't like to just...do stuff and say 'we'll figure that out when it comes.' no. I just like to plan ahead I guess. but Imma just chillax and see what happens. I'm scared and nervous and stuff but...I guess I have to be. We'll see. So wish me luck? whoever's reading this.
Onto another subject.
Do you ever feel completely lost? Like...you don't know anything and your confused and people are saying stuff about you that you wish they'd just shut up? Because you don't know who you are, you don't know what other people think you are, and you don't know who you wanna be.? Because that's how I feel. I mean I know I'm Kiera Loveless. Brown hair, Brown eyes. I love music, and performing. Singing is my passion. I've always dreamed of singing on a big stage with a million people in the audience and lights and all the ritzy stuff. I love feeling loved. That little feeling of your heart being squeezed is my favorite feeling. I haven't felt that feeling in a long time. At least not to the extent I wish I would. I'm insecure. I'm strong. I'm weak. I'm brave. I'm scared.
but who am I?
People seem to think I'm a freak. That's how it seems when people look at me when I walk down the hall at school. The freak with the stringy brown hair, clothes that look raggy on her, big doe eyes and too much stuff to carry. I just wish I could fit in sometimes. All those girls that walk around like high school is a breeze. They get a million hello's in the hall. They're always walking with someone. Everyone tells them how much they love them because they're just 'so cool'. and I'm the one who's always walking alone. Most of the time at least. I'm the one with friends who people step all over. and when I try and stand up for myself, people laugh at me. Because apparently I'm funny when I'm mad. I just...wanna be liked. I want people to look at me and think I'm cool. But I doubt that'll ever happen. I'm Show Queer. I don't even care if people call me that. It makes me so mad when I hear that name. I love what I do. I love it. and my school's basketball team made it to state this year. So everyone's freaking out and that's all they can talk about. Do the choir kids ever get any recognition? We work our butts off! We're going to a NATIONAL show choir competition this year. But no one cares about us cuz apparently we're all freaks.
Sorry, I had to get that out. I'm just tired of being unappreciated. I want someone to look at me for once and think Wow, she's really an awesome person. but no one does that. I try so hard to be the best I can be. I'm never full of myself. I give people advice because I love helping people. And I love the people I give advice to. but when I ask a friend for advice, or tell them something is wrong, All I seem to get is 'I'm sorry.' Great. I'm glad your sorry. That doesn't help me. Alright, now I'm just ranting. No one wants to hear about this. My mom said some people are good listeners and some aren't. I know who are. So...yeah. :P I guess that's all for today. I don't really have anything else to write about!
See yaa;)
Love,
-Kiera
So news?
I'm trying out for the X-Factor. If you don't know what it is, it's a singing show that's new to America this year. My mom's friend Geri saw it on TV and told my mom she wanted me to try out. I told her I'd do it at first and then told my mom I'd think about it. But my mom signed me up for an audition anyways and now we're going to Chicago on the 27th of April to audition for a TV show. Not that I'm not excited or that I don't wanna do it. I'm way psyched. But I'm nervous and...scared. Not so much for the audition. I'm just kinda scared that I will make it. Because if I make it, I'd prolly have to give up school and show choir next year. I'd have to be tutored and I would be away from home...I don't wanna give up high school and everything. And everyone keeps saying 'but Kiera! You could be famous! You could be RICH!" What if I don't wanna be rich? What if I just wanna be a teenager for a while. Live my life as normal as it is now? I'm scared. I don't wanna tell my mom I don't wanna do it, cuz I do. But I don't wanna try out and make it and then back down. Maybe I just won't make it. My mom told me I'm thinking way too far ahead, and yes, I agree. but I like to know what's going to happen. I don't like to just...do stuff and say 'we'll figure that out when it comes.' no. I just like to plan ahead I guess. but Imma just chillax and see what happens. I'm scared and nervous and stuff but...I guess I have to be. We'll see. So wish me luck? whoever's reading this.
Onto another subject.
Do you ever feel completely lost? Like...you don't know anything and your confused and people are saying stuff about you that you wish they'd just shut up? Because you don't know who you are, you don't know what other people think you are, and you don't know who you wanna be.? Because that's how I feel. I mean I know I'm Kiera Loveless. Brown hair, Brown eyes. I love music, and performing. Singing is my passion. I've always dreamed of singing on a big stage with a million people in the audience and lights and all the ritzy stuff. I love feeling loved. That little feeling of your heart being squeezed is my favorite feeling. I haven't felt that feeling in a long time. At least not to the extent I wish I would. I'm insecure. I'm strong. I'm weak. I'm brave. I'm scared.
but who am I?
People seem to think I'm a freak. That's how it seems when people look at me when I walk down the hall at school. The freak with the stringy brown hair, clothes that look raggy on her, big doe eyes and too much stuff to carry. I just wish I could fit in sometimes. All those girls that walk around like high school is a breeze. They get a million hello's in the hall. They're always walking with someone. Everyone tells them how much they love them because they're just 'so cool'. and I'm the one who's always walking alone. Most of the time at least. I'm the one with friends who people step all over. and when I try and stand up for myself, people laugh at me. Because apparently I'm funny when I'm mad. I just...wanna be liked. I want people to look at me and think I'm cool. But I doubt that'll ever happen. I'm Show Queer. I don't even care if people call me that. It makes me so mad when I hear that name. I love what I do. I love it. and my school's basketball team made it to state this year. So everyone's freaking out and that's all they can talk about. Do the choir kids ever get any recognition? We work our butts off! We're going to a NATIONAL show choir competition this year. But no one cares about us cuz apparently we're all freaks.
Sorry, I had to get that out. I'm just tired of being unappreciated. I want someone to look at me for once and think Wow, she's really an awesome person. but no one does that. I try so hard to be the best I can be. I'm never full of myself. I give people advice because I love helping people. And I love the people I give advice to. but when I ask a friend for advice, or tell them something is wrong, All I seem to get is 'I'm sorry.' Great. I'm glad your sorry. That doesn't help me. Alright, now I'm just ranting. No one wants to hear about this. My mom said some people are good listeners and some aren't. I know who are. So...yeah. :P I guess that's all for today. I don't really have anything else to write about!
See yaa;)
Love,
-Kiera
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Hold My Heart
Does anybody know how to hold my heart?
Love that song. Sara Bareilles. Once again. :P
So. Today was pretty much a freaking. Amazing day. Okay so I have this weird thing with my screensavers on my phone. It's super wierd, so don't make fun of me later for it. I can be a bit superstitious sometimes. (which is wierd cuz I'm super religious too...) So when I change my wallpaper on my phone and have a good day, I'm always afraid to change it, because I think it'll make my life suck. But my wallpaper was changed countless times today, and it did not change how my day went. Freaking beastly. I had solo and ensemble contest. SUUUPER FUN:D I'm in a mixed double quartet, a women's sextet, and I had a solo. All 3 of them got ones which is the highest score possible...and I'm going to state. I'm most proud of our Women's ensemble cuz I didn't think we'd do well. But I'm also waay proud of our mixed ensemble cuz we're all friends and its always really fun when we're together. We're pretty much a singing party. The beastliest party in the entire universe.
I just figured out I'm using BEASTLY a lot today.
So guess what...?
The word of the day is beastly. Because my day was extremely beastly in every beastly possible way that beastly things can be beastly. Speaking of beastly (Yes, I am going to italisize that word for the rest of the blog) I really wanna go see that movie. It sounds super good. I wanna see a lotta movies. But I don't have money and/or anyone to go with:/ But whatever. I'll go see it by myself and bring some stuffed animals...yeah. :P haa. It's a date! I hope tomorrow is as good as today was. I just...ahh:) GOOD FRIGGIN DAY. I love hanging out with my choir friends. And my friends *ehem. JAKE* ran all over the school with my purse and phone and made me chase them...up and down flights of steps. BOY, am I out of shape. and I don't enjoy my phone being placed into a guy's pants. That's just awkward. Extremely awkward. Just sayin'.
So...HAAA. I dunno what to talk about. I'm babysitting. Although...*don't tell anyone* I'm not really paying attention right now...they're in the living room watching TV. Okay. I'm totally paying attention. I am. I really hope i can end up falling asleep tonight. I can't take a shower until my mom gets home and my friend Eva is coming over tomorrow morning at 7 AM to curl my hair for show choir. She does a really good job, but my hair is so extremely stubborn, that it takes 2. HOURS to curl my hair. INTENSE. Tomorrow is Spring Sing. It's like...a dinner theatre type thing. we serve the audience food and all the choirs and show choirs perform. which means i gotta have 2 costumes. Well technically 3 because show choir has 2. We're singing some super cheesy Surfin' USA Medley. There's some girl/guy song. and Imma be all. alone. What a loser, I am. :P ehh, It's okay. I'll make an imaginary guy...my imaginary boyfriend will be there to stare at me awkwardly and sway back and forth. HA. I'll probably end up with one of my friends. who are girls. lol. I'm more excited to perform for Show Choir. I love show choir. Ahh. :) Tomorrow will be a good day...Please Dear God..help tomorrow to be a good day.
Okay so I have this instinct. I love itt. I HAVE to pray before anything big I do. and I haven't gone one night without praying in like...FOREVER. Sometimes its just a simple prayer, but I've started talking to God more. It's nice to know there's always someone there to listen. And really listen. So today I prayed before my solo, because I was WAY nervous and a million people kept slowly trickling into that little room (I think I might write a short story on my other blog after this:P I'm in the mood. Trickling. that's a vivid verb right there. and it makes me think of peeing. okay. off track. HA.) that I was FREAKIN OUT. And Amanda and Kimmie (my frannns) walked in and I just randomly started praying and Amanda looked at me like...of course you pray. ha:) Alright. Imma go write somethinn. It's gonna end up sucking. :P
Love yaa:)
-Kiera
Love that song. Sara Bareilles. Once again. :P
So. Today was pretty much a freaking. Amazing day. Okay so I have this weird thing with my screensavers on my phone. It's super wierd, so don't make fun of me later for it. I can be a bit superstitious sometimes. (which is wierd cuz I'm super religious too...) So when I change my wallpaper on my phone and have a good day, I'm always afraid to change it, because I think it'll make my life suck. But my wallpaper was changed countless times today, and it did not change how my day went. Freaking beastly. I had solo and ensemble contest. SUUUPER FUN:D I'm in a mixed double quartet, a women's sextet, and I had a solo. All 3 of them got ones which is the highest score possible...and I'm going to state. I'm most proud of our Women's ensemble cuz I didn't think we'd do well. But I'm also waay proud of our mixed ensemble cuz we're all friends and its always really fun when we're together. We're pretty much a singing party. The beastliest party in the entire universe.
I just figured out I'm using BEASTLY a lot today.
So guess what...?
The word of the day is beastly. Because my day was extremely beastly in every beastly possible way that beastly things can be beastly. Speaking of beastly (Yes, I am going to italisize that word for the rest of the blog) I really wanna go see that movie. It sounds super good. I wanna see a lotta movies. But I don't have money and/or anyone to go with:/ But whatever. I'll go see it by myself and bring some stuffed animals...yeah. :P haa. It's a date! I hope tomorrow is as good as today was. I just...ahh:) GOOD FRIGGIN DAY. I love hanging out with my choir friends. And my friends *ehem. JAKE* ran all over the school with my purse and phone and made me chase them...up and down flights of steps. BOY, am I out of shape. and I don't enjoy my phone being placed into a guy's pants. That's just awkward. Extremely awkward. Just sayin'.
So...HAAA. I dunno what to talk about. I'm babysitting. Although...*don't tell anyone* I'm not really paying attention right now...they're in the living room watching TV. Okay. I'm totally paying attention. I am. I really hope i can end up falling asleep tonight. I can't take a shower until my mom gets home and my friend Eva is coming over tomorrow morning at 7 AM to curl my hair for show choir. She does a really good job, but my hair is so extremely stubborn, that it takes 2. HOURS to curl my hair. INTENSE. Tomorrow is Spring Sing. It's like...a dinner theatre type thing. we serve the audience food and all the choirs and show choirs perform. which means i gotta have 2 costumes. Well technically 3 because show choir has 2. We're singing some super cheesy Surfin' USA Medley. There's some girl/guy song. and Imma be all. alone. What a loser, I am. :P ehh, It's okay. I'll make an imaginary guy...my imaginary boyfriend will be there to stare at me awkwardly and sway back and forth. HA. I'll probably end up with one of my friends. who are girls. lol. I'm more excited to perform for Show Choir. I love show choir. Ahh. :) Tomorrow will be a good day...Please Dear God..help tomorrow to be a good day.
Okay so I have this instinct. I love itt. I HAVE to pray before anything big I do. and I haven't gone one night without praying in like...FOREVER. Sometimes its just a simple prayer, but I've started talking to God more. It's nice to know there's always someone there to listen. And really listen. So today I prayed before my solo, because I was WAY nervous and a million people kept slowly trickling into that little room (I think I might write a short story on my other blog after this:P I'm in the mood. Trickling. that's a vivid verb right there. and it makes me think of peeing. okay. off track. HA.) that I was FREAKIN OUT. And Amanda and Kimmie (my frannns) walked in and I just randomly started praying and Amanda looked at me like...of course you pray. ha:) Alright. Imma go write somethinn. It's gonna end up sucking. :P
Love yaa:)
-Kiera
Monday, February 28, 2011
Let the Rain FALL DOWN:)
It's hard to watch someone you love hurt, right? It's hard to be left in the cold. It's hard to a lot of things. But that doesn't mean we should give up on all of them. People want to blame me for a lotta stupid stuff. In the end, all I can do is let it roll right off my shoulders. but its hard sometimes. When someone blames me for problems in a relationship, or a frienship, or whatever it is. I can't help but feel guilty. You know? I don't wanna hurt anyone. Ever. Honestly, I don't think anyone really deserves to hurt. but I listened to the sermon at my friend's church yesterday and it was about how God lets us suffer because suffering is what brings us closer to him. Suffering is what makes us rely on God. When everything's going great for us, we don't rely on him too much and we tend to forget about strengthening our faith. Which I guess is why I've realized although I hate hurting, the suffering did bring me closer to God. Whenever your hurting, you can't help but ask 'what did I do to deserve this? Why are you doing this to me? Why isn't God helping me? I don't wanna sit here and cry all the time.' and stuff like that. and I did. I didn't understand why God would want me to suffer like that. and I know he doesn't want anyone to suffer. he wants us to be closer to him. He wants us to realize that he will always be there for us, no matter what situation. He will give us the strength to pull through. and I didn't think I've have the strength, but I did. A lot has happened in the past year of my life. A LOT. Like I've said, most eventful year of my life. But I realize that every single moment of the past year happened for a reason. It was all in God's plan. and I don't think we should worry about making huge decision as much as we do. Whatever decision we make, it is indeed in God's plan. Whether its the wrong decision or right decision. He will teach us a lesson along the way that we were meant to learn. I've always been really faithful. But ever since show choir season started, I haven't been going to church/ youth every Sunday like I used to. and I need to start doing that. Because I love my church. I love how close some of us are. It's not everyone close, but moments when we're at a retreat together, I feel part of my church family. and I wanna continue to feel part of my church family. because show choir is not an excuse. Of course I can't go this sunday because I will be performing literally ALL DAY. Which sucks, because I have yet another excuse. but then I have 2 free weekends after that and I will most definitely go to church:) Because I realize that I've missed church. So much. Sitting in a pew and praying feels wonderful. Even when my mind goes off track and I start thinking unrelated thoughts, It's amazing knowing God is listening to me. He's always listening and ready to hold me when I need a hug. and that's amazing. Life can be amazing if you look at it the right way. If you only look at the negative things in your life, you won't be happy. But if you look at the great things, you will realize that your life isn't as sucky as you make it out to be. Sometimes you do feel like life sucks, and I know just saying that your life is awesome won't make it any better. Sometimes there's certain people or things you have to put out of your life to let yourself be happy. I've learned to ignore the people that want to constantly hurt me, and try not to let the remarks get to me.
My friend told me today that someone was upset because they think I start drama with someone. Not going to name anyone. but it made me think. People are gonna blame me for things that I am not at fault for. People are going to make fun of me and tell everyone I'm a freak and that a can't sing and all that crap. People will gossip about me because they want me to do something stupid, because I'm smart enough to think before I do. I do mess up. A lot. but I don't do huge, completely idiotic stuff like smoking pot and...stuff like that. I'm smarter than I look;)
There's certain people you just love hanging out with. That make you happy when your around them. That you look forward to seeing everyday. That you can't help but smile when you think of all the fun times you've had together. Those are the people you should stick with. Those are the people you should stay close to.
and now. I shall end with a song that I am absolutely in love with.
I wish I were pretty
I wish I were brave
If I owned this city
Then I'd make it behave
And if I were fearless
Then I'd speak my truth
And the world would hear this
That's what I wish I'd do, yeah
If my hands could hold them you'd see
I'd take all these secrets in me
And I'd move and mold them to be
Something I'd set free
I want to darken in the skies
Open the floodgates up
I want to change my mind
I want to be enough
I want the water in my eyes
I want to cry until the end of time
I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down tonight
I hold on to worry so tight
It's safe in here right next to my heart
Who now shouts at the top of her voice
Let me go, let me out, this is not my choice
And I always felt it before
That the world was filled with much more
Than the drowning soul I've learned to be
I just need the rain to remind me
I want to darken in the skies
Open the floodgates up
I want to change my mind
I want to be enough
I want the water in my eyes
I want to cry until the end of time
I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down tonight
Love youu:)
-Kiera
My friend told me today that someone was upset because they think I start drama with someone. Not going to name anyone. but it made me think. People are gonna blame me for things that I am not at fault for. People are going to make fun of me and tell everyone I'm a freak and that a can't sing and all that crap. People will gossip about me because they want me to do something stupid, because I'm smart enough to think before I do. I do mess up. A lot. but I don't do huge, completely idiotic stuff like smoking pot and...stuff like that. I'm smarter than I look;)
There's certain people you just love hanging out with. That make you happy when your around them. That you look forward to seeing everyday. That you can't help but smile when you think of all the fun times you've had together. Those are the people you should stick with. Those are the people you should stay close to.
and now. I shall end with a song that I am absolutely in love with.
I wish I were pretty
I wish I were brave
If I owned this city
Then I'd make it behave
And if I were fearless
Then I'd speak my truth
And the world would hear this
That's what I wish I'd do, yeah
If my hands could hold them you'd see
I'd take all these secrets in me
And I'd move and mold them to be
Something I'd set free
I want to darken in the skies
Open the floodgates up
I want to change my mind
I want to be enough
I want the water in my eyes
I want to cry until the end of time
I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down tonight
I hold on to worry so tight
It's safe in here right next to my heart
Who now shouts at the top of her voice
Let me go, let me out, this is not my choice
And I always felt it before
That the world was filled with much more
Than the drowning soul I've learned to be
I just need the rain to remind me
I want to darken in the skies
Open the floodgates up
I want to change my mind
I want to be enough
I want the water in my eyes
I want to cry until the end of time
I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down tonight
Love youu:)
-Kiera
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Oh, Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art though Romeo?
We're reading Romeo and Juliet in English class. I've pretty much developed this passion for Shakespeare now. He's amazing! His work is so deep and beautiful. It makes you think, and then once you understand it, it's like...like maybe you could understand love the slightest bit. Although I know that's impossible. But reading his writing makes me feel like I can understand life a little bit better than I did before I read it. My english teacher chose me and my best friend Amanda to be the permanent readers of Romeo and Juliet. (I know, awkward since we're both girls.) I'm Juliet, and she's Romeo. It's so much fun to read it with such passion. "Love comforteth like sunshine after rain." I love it. "O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name. Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love And I'll no longer be a Capulet."
I may be a weirdo English nerd, but you must agree. That's beautiful. Shakespeare writes about love, happiness, death, sorrow, and pretty much life; in ways that no one else ever has. Ways that really make sense when you think on them. If people would get past the confusing way of his words and learn to listen to them. "What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet" What is in a name? If I was not named Kiera, would I not still be myself? Would I be a complete different person if my parents had chosen to name me Cassandra, or Sophia (those were completely random names.), would I not be the same person I am today. And I would be the same person I am today, even if I had a different name. As would a rose smell just as sweet if it were called by a different name. Deep. Stuff. Haha:) I'm just in the mood for fun quotes today, and all of em end up being about love. Which might say something. I dunno. But I was thinking today. When you look at the world, it really just kinda scares me. All these people, places...things to do and lives to change. But what if I'm on my death bed and my life doesn't feel complete? What if I never find love? Do you ever wonder what your life will be like and are...scared? Because I am. What if I marry someone I don't love. I honestly think divorcing is wrong, but I don't want to be married to someone I truly don't love. and how can I tell? How can I tell if it's love or if its just infatuation like everyone always says it is? I dunno. I'll survive though. I just hope what God has in store for me is good. I know life has challenges for a reason. and I can't and will not expect life to be easy from here. I guess we'll just have to see.
-Kiera
I may be a weirdo English nerd, but you must agree. That's beautiful. Shakespeare writes about love, happiness, death, sorrow, and pretty much life; in ways that no one else ever has. Ways that really make sense when you think on them. If people would get past the confusing way of his words and learn to listen to them. "What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet" What is in a name? If I was not named Kiera, would I not still be myself? Would I be a complete different person if my parents had chosen to name me Cassandra, or Sophia (those were completely random names.), would I not be the same person I am today. And I would be the same person I am today, even if I had a different name. As would a rose smell just as sweet if it were called by a different name. Deep. Stuff. Haha:) I'm just in the mood for fun quotes today, and all of em end up being about love. Which might say something. I dunno. But I was thinking today. When you look at the world, it really just kinda scares me. All these people, places...things to do and lives to change. But what if I'm on my death bed and my life doesn't feel complete? What if I never find love? Do you ever wonder what your life will be like and are...scared? Because I am. What if I marry someone I don't love. I honestly think divorcing is wrong, but I don't want to be married to someone I truly don't love. and how can I tell? How can I tell if it's love or if its just infatuation like everyone always says it is? I dunno. I'll survive though. I just hope what God has in store for me is good. I know life has challenges for a reason. and I can't and will not expect life to be easy from here. I guess we'll just have to see.
-Kiera
Friday, February 25, 2011
Photogenic? PAHAHA!
So...hiya. I've felt a little off lately. I dunno what it is. But I have these feelings a lot. I'll be all happy for no specific reason and then BAM. Wierdness. But we had a snow day to today. which is wierd because I was pretty much sure we werte done with the stupid snow. Ughh. Oh well. I needed some sleep, and I was way thankful when my mom came in my room at 5:30 (15 minutes before my alarm goes off) and told me we had a snow day. WOO:)
So...I think the topic of the day is dreams. I had the creepiest dream last night. Sometimes I have these dreams that are like horror movies. Like, they'll have a plot and everything and I'll wake up and not be able to go back to sleep I'm so creeped out. It started out that I was going to work at the movie theatres, and so I went to do my job, and then I was alla sudden an orphan. And I had to go with my siblings to go live with this guy who was adopting us. So we went with him, and his brother came over. and he killed everyone in the house except the little kids by like...electrocuting them. and it freaked the crap outta me. I definitely could not go back to sleep. So I am very much glad that we had a snow day today. Even though the roads aren't bad at all and I don't see why we had a snow day. They're probably just trying to get rid of the 10th snow day so we won't have to make them up. Long story, and if you go to my school, you understand.
So...yeah. What did you dream last night? People say if you dream about someone, they went to sleep thinking about you. So...what's that supposed to mean. Obviously it's just a myth. It just kinda makes you think...you know?
So today I'm going over to my friends house for a photoshoot. She wants to be a photographer and me and our friend Kaitylnn are her 'models'. I wish I could find some of the pictures she took last time, but when she gets them uploaded, I'll forsure post em on here:)
We're doing a buncha random stuff. One of them being a bathtub idea. >.< I'm excited. She's having me bring my 8th grade dance dress, because she wants fancy stuff. I hope I haven't grown out of it. :P so...I'm hoping for the best. I've gotten a lot better at making decent faces and being photogenic. One of my show choir friends the other told me I was photogenic, and I don't believe it. If you've seen pictures of me, you know I am most definitely NOT photogenic. I always end lookin mentally challenged. haha:)
So..I really don't know what to t alk about. AHHHHHH.
My life is so boring without school. but I'm really glad I gotted to sleep. >.<
Alright.So...I guess that's it for now. More later, possibly. Wish me luck at the photoshoot. :)
So...I think the topic of the day is dreams. I had the creepiest dream last night. Sometimes I have these dreams that are like horror movies. Like, they'll have a plot and everything and I'll wake up and not be able to go back to sleep I'm so creeped out. It started out that I was going to work at the movie theatres, and so I went to do my job, and then I was alla sudden an orphan. And I had to go with my siblings to go live with this guy who was adopting us. So we went with him, and his brother came over. and he killed everyone in the house except the little kids by like...electrocuting them. and it freaked the crap outta me. I definitely could not go back to sleep. So I am very much glad that we had a snow day today. Even though the roads aren't bad at all and I don't see why we had a snow day. They're probably just trying to get rid of the 10th snow day so we won't have to make them up. Long story, and if you go to my school, you understand.
So...yeah. What did you dream last night? People say if you dream about someone, they went to sleep thinking about you. So...what's that supposed to mean. Obviously it's just a myth. It just kinda makes you think...you know?
So today I'm going over to my friends house for a photoshoot. She wants to be a photographer and me and our friend Kaitylnn are her 'models'. I wish I could find some of the pictures she took last time, but when she gets them uploaded, I'll forsure post em on here:)
We're doing a buncha random stuff. One of them being a bathtub idea. >.< I'm excited. She's having me bring my 8th grade dance dress, because she wants fancy stuff. I hope I haven't grown out of it. :P so...I'm hoping for the best. I've gotten a lot better at making decent faces and being photogenic. One of my show choir friends the other told me I was photogenic, and I don't believe it. If you've seen pictures of me, you know I am most definitely NOT photogenic. I always end lookin mentally challenged. haha:)
So..I really don't know what to t alk about. AHHHHHH.
My life is so boring without school. but I'm really glad I gotted to sleep. >.<
Alright.So...I guess that's it for now. More later, possibly. Wish me luck at the photoshoot. :)
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Sheer Panic. I love Show Choir:)
Great weekend! Tonali-T (our Middle School group) Won GRAND CHAMPION in the middle school division as did Soundwave (our prep group). The group I'm in (Express) made it to finals and placed 3rd!! :) We were behind the 2nd place group, Mount Zion, by ONE POINT. Which makes me want to rip a llammas intestines out. Which sounds incredibly disgusting, which should indicate how incredibly angry I was. I'm have spelling issues today. AH. Although you can't tell, because I'm OCD and when I spell something wrong and the little red lines go under the word, I HAVE to fix it cuz it annoys me. Look at that...there's red lines under cuz. AGAIN! haha:) So...a recap of the weekend. We performed and I'm really happy with what we did this weekend. I had so much fun! My family came and see it and they all loved it and I'm glad they're impressed with it. When we performed in finals, we all cried afterwards (at least the girls did) because we were so proud of what we did. One of the guys in our group dislocated his shoulder during the performance and KEPT GOING! Everyone loves him now. haha:) I tripped onstage during the first performance. But I got back up and kept going, luckily. and then in the finals performance, we got to the ballad, and the crew people dumped fog onstage, and me and my partner are on the back riser for the end of the 2nd song, and so fog completely enveloped us and we could not see ANYTHING and were completely drenched in...fogness. It sucked. I thought I was gonna fall down the risers again. Moment of SHEER panic right there. SHEER. PANIC.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Hit me with your best shot!
Good morning. It feels like I got absolutely no sleep last night. (okay, exaggerating just a wee bit. Today I will be going to Illinois for a show choir competition, as will the rest of my show choir. well. Obviously. I have to lug my giant suitcase to school, but luckily my daddy is taking me to school, so I don't need to worry about gettin that thing on the bus.But last night was probably one of the most stressful nights I have ever endured. It was the dress rehearsal and none of us were prepared. Our director, Drinkall, and our choreographer, Kara, laid down the law. We got lectured after our performance and told it was the worst we've done, which I believe considering we'd changed a million things right before we performed and we were all freaking out. Then I found out that my friends in my room are calling me and Kimmie stuck up and full of ourselves because we're in express. If you don't know what that means, there's two show choir's at my school. Soundwave and Express. Soundwave is the prep group and is made up of mostly freshman, and Express is the varsity group which is mainly juniors and seniors. but Kimmie and I along with 2 freshman boys made Express our Freshman year, and some of our friends assume that we're stuck up because of it. Which upsets me, but Kimmie said she had taken care of it and it was fine so...lets just hope everything in our room is alright. Because I'm tired of people getting mad at me for not being perfect. Yes, I can be completely stupid. Yes, I get so stressed out that I wanna rip my hair out! Yes, sometimes I curl up into a little ball and cry just because I can. I'm not a superwoman. I can't make everyone happy at the same time, and the thing is, I'm never focused on making MYSELF happy. It's always my friends or someone who needs help. And I honestly don't know if I can change that. It's just the way I am. I care about people. Even if they don't care about me.
I think this trip is going to go really well...I just...feel it:) I hope so. It seems like my life goes on like some kinda...loop. You know how everyone says love is like a roller coaster? Well mine has a LOT of loop-dee-loops. Because it's just like some...cycle. Wierd. but I shouldn't keep falling for the cycle. Cycles aren't the best sometimes when you know what'll happen in the end. This is coming out extremely wierd:P
You know what song I have stuck in my head? (Yeah...that was way random.)
"I'm still a guy" by...I'm pretty sure its Brad Paisley. LOVE that song. it came on in the car last night and my mom goes 'can you sing this low?" so we both started singing it and...haha yeahh I'm most definitely a soprano :D
Well I gotta go wake my dad up again because I'm pretty sure he fell asleep again and he's taking me to school.
Wish us luck this weekend:)
-Kiera
I think this trip is going to go really well...I just...feel it:) I hope so. It seems like my life goes on like some kinda...loop. You know how everyone says love is like a roller coaster? Well mine has a LOT of loop-dee-loops. Because it's just like some...cycle. Wierd. but I shouldn't keep falling for the cycle. Cycles aren't the best sometimes when you know what'll happen in the end. This is coming out extremely wierd:P
You know what song I have stuck in my head? (Yeah...that was way random.)
"I'm still a guy" by...I'm pretty sure its Brad Paisley. LOVE that song. it came on in the car last night and my mom goes 'can you sing this low?" so we both started singing it and...haha yeahh I'm most definitely a soprano :D
Well I gotta go wake my dad up again because I'm pretty sure he fell asleep again and he's taking me to school.
Wish us luck this weekend:)
-Kiera
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Difference.
Hey,
When you look around your school or wherever you are everyday, does it look like a happy place to be? I know at my school, there's always some nasty rumor floating around. Or everyone's gossiping about one person. I hate to hear 'I heard what happened with you and so-and-so. What happened?" Um...none of your business. Shutcho mouth and walk away. Why does it matter how my life is, when you've got yours to worry about. Sure, if your my friend and you hear something and your worried, I understand. but why do all these people have to be so nosy. I must admit, I do like hearing good gossip. Everyone does, truthfully. But, I don't go around asking people considering I know the difference between curious and RUDE. and then everyone thinks its alright to make fun of people because they're vulnerable. Like the people with mental disabilities. Be nice, idiots! The poor kids have diseases, and it's not their fault that they're different. I don't know a lot of them, but the ones I do know are just really, really sweet people. and I'm the kind of person that would love to word with kids with dissabilities. I'm taking a class next year called Child Development and apparently there's this thing called Tots n' Teens. you get to work with a bunch of little kids, including ones with special disabilites. and I'm honestly excited to meet them! Kids are so precious and I find it sad that people laugh at them because they're different. I've gotten made fun of my whole life, and I've trained myself to just take it. And it hurts. I've always been different. and I've always liked that about me. but then I also hate it. because people are just fine making fun of me and teasing me, because I don't say anything. Well guess what? It hurts when people tease me. I'm a person too. Gotta go. :P
-Kiera
When you look around your school or wherever you are everyday, does it look like a happy place to be? I know at my school, there's always some nasty rumor floating around. Or everyone's gossiping about one person. I hate to hear 'I heard what happened with you and so-and-so. What happened?" Um...none of your business. Shutcho mouth and walk away. Why does it matter how my life is, when you've got yours to worry about. Sure, if your my friend and you hear something and your worried, I understand. but why do all these people have to be so nosy. I must admit, I do like hearing good gossip. Everyone does, truthfully. But, I don't go around asking people considering I know the difference between curious and RUDE. and then everyone thinks its alright to make fun of people because they're vulnerable. Like the people with mental disabilities. Be nice, idiots! The poor kids have diseases, and it's not their fault that they're different. I don't know a lot of them, but the ones I do know are just really, really sweet people. and I'm the kind of person that would love to word with kids with dissabilities. I'm taking a class next year called Child Development and apparently there's this thing called Tots n' Teens. you get to work with a bunch of little kids, including ones with special disabilites. and I'm honestly excited to meet them! Kids are so precious and I find it sad that people laugh at them because they're different. I've gotten made fun of my whole life, and I've trained myself to just take it. And it hurts. I've always been different. and I've always liked that about me. but then I also hate it. because people are just fine making fun of me and teasing me, because I don't say anything. Well guess what? It hurts when people tease me. I'm a person too. Gotta go. :P
-Kiera
I Love You.?
Hey everyone. It's been a while, but honestly, I just don't know what to say. I guess I'm in a blogging mood this morning, so let's just...see what happens! Monday was Valentine's Day, and honestly, I don't hate the holiday because I've never had anyone to share it with. I don't hate the holiday at all. It's fun to watch all the guys give their girlfriends flowers and chocolate and be sweet as can be. Sure, I wish I had someone to do the same for me, but I know someday I will and until then, I'll be perfectly fine waiting in the wings. What I don't like about Valentine's day, is the word LOVE. Love is such a delicate word, it standpoints me how it's used like any other word. People don't think about it when they tell someone they love them, they just assume they do. but real love is so rare. It's a beautiful, beautiful thing. To look at someone, flaws and all, and realize that they are perfect, in your eyes. I am 14 years old. and I used to think it was possible to fall in love at this young age. I guess my mind hasn't really changed all that much, but now I know from experience that what someone says at the time, isn't always the truth. If someone were to go around saying they loved each and every person they were in a relationship with...what difference does the next one make? If you loved all of them, why is the most recent one special? Which brings me back to my point of not using the word love unless you mean it. Unless you know. And it usually takes a certain level of maturity to know. It makes me sad to go to a dance and see a million teenagers grinding up on one another. and then at the end of the night, and 'I love you" Is exchanged and that's it. I love you I love you I love you! What kind of a phrase is it now?
Sorry bout that. HA. :) Anyways...I think you get my point. But the past is the past and the present is the present. The future? Now THAT is up to you:)
Happy late Valentine's day!
Sorry this is such a short entry, but I gotta get ready for school!!
-Kiera
Sorry bout that. HA. :) Anyways...I think you get my point. But the past is the past and the present is the present. The future? Now THAT is up to you:)
Happy late Valentine's day!
Sorry this is such a short entry, but I gotta get ready for school!!
-Kiera
Monday, February 7, 2011
Show Choir. :0)
Good evening. So...today's been an interesting day. A lot's going on lately. Which is why I never really write anymore because my life pretty much consists of school, show choir, and other musical activities. :P Show Choir season is going grrreat:) I love my show choir family. The invitational was the past weekend and I think it went very well. I'm a lame-o freshman so I didn't get to host a room like I wanted, but I'm okay with that. I DID though, get to bus tables for 3 hours. Oh JOY, right? ha:) It was alright. People seemed so incredibly surprised when I asked if I could take their food for them. The invitational was so incredibly different than it was last year. I look back at the invitational last year..ha. My life was so different it's insane. But that's all good. Different is good sometimes. Even though different scares people. Including myself. It's only human to be afraid of change. So...yeah. This year was fun. Being the last group to perform was wicked. The Chacha Slide came on and we were all backstage dancing. :) I auditioned for this talent show we're having for my town. Woo. Me and my Best Friend, Amanda did, anyways. She plays piano while I sing You Lost Me by Christina Aguilera. I really love that song. I love songs I can sing with a passion. I guess I could sing any song with a passion but there's certain songs I just feel and this is one of them. We made it to the talent show, fortunately, and we're performing wednesday. It's actually a contest. The overall winner wins $100 so...wish us the best of luck:) I'm excited. We couldn't find anything to wear and were freaking out, and my friend Madi just went out and bought me a dress. I love that chick. I haven't seen it yet, but Amanda says it's super pretty so...we'll see. I'm just super excited to try it onn. I guess we'll just have to seee! At show choir tonight. because she's bringing it today. and I'm bringing Amanda most of her costume, which includes a white shirt, black dress pants, a black vest and my sexy black hat. she's supplying the white shirt. I dunno why I'm telling you this. because my life consists of nothing but musicness and I can't exactly explain that. I've already talked about my passion for music and show choir. I just love it. Even if we don't always win, we argue and sometimes we just get pissy with each other. That's okay. Because I love show choir and I love each and everyone in it. Even if they've been extremely rude to me, which some people have done. But Express is my family. So...even if some of em think I'm a stuck up little freshman (I am most certainly NOT stuck up...) I still love em the same. :P I sound like Oprah. So. Yeahhh.
I don't really have anything else to sayy. I guess Imma go. I'll try and remember to post more soon.
Love<3
-Kiera
I don't really have anything else to sayy. I guess Imma go. I'll try and remember to post more soon.
Love<3
-Kiera
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Heyyo:) Whatis up dear friends? HA. So...Show Choir's been keeping me insanely busy. I shouldn't be up cuz I'm going to see Tonali-T (the middle school show choir) tomorrow, and I'm very much excited to go see them. But I gotta wake up kinda early to do that. :P and it's kinda late. but I'm not really tired. so whatever. It'll be fun though. Practice was awesome today. We got to jam out. JAM SESSION:) Yes. and headbanging is extremely difficult when your wearing 5 inch heels. Just to inform you...if you ever wanna...not headbang in 5 inch heels...
I have no idea what to write. I pretty much think, breathe...LIVE show choir lately. Just cuz...I'm at bonfils all the time. I'm practicing all the time. I'm either singing, dancing or sleeping. All the time. Eating doesn't count. cuz I do barely any of that now too. ha:) Not on purpose. I just forget to eat. Which happened today. I had breakfast and then went all day without eating anything until I realized I had a headache at 11:00 and went downstairs and ate some corndogs. Delish:P
Yeahh.
Have you ever looked in the mirror and been unsatisfied with the image that you see? Do ever think "Ugh. I need to lay off on the french fries." Or...something along those lines? I don't know why, I seem to pick out every little flaw of myself. The little pudge pack on my tummy. (hehe...pudge pack...) The way my eyebrow curves in the wrong way. The way my nose looks too big. Or how when I smile my dimples make my face look fat. of how my teeth or gross. You know I could just keep going on and on and on but I think that might bore you, so Imma stop here.
Anyways...yeah. I know I've talked about this before but..I have self-confidence issues. People give me compliments but I guess I just...see that people lie. I know people lie and so..I don't believe anyone. Because when I look in the mirror, I don't see beauty. I see a million different flaws that need to be fixed. I didn't used to see that. I wish someone would make me believe I was beautiful. Because I just can't do it myself. and don't go all 'oh you sad little child. you need a therapist.' wow. We're not going there, hunny. Go suck a muffin. Nobody wants you here. HAA. Okay I had to randomly rant for some reason...I apologize for that.
So...Show Choir. Since it's my life right now, I'll talk a little about that.
Our Dress rehearsal is on THURSDAY. and our first competition is on FRIDAY. I'm exctied...and NERVOUS! We're just starting costume changes tomorrow and I think I might just DIE. It's gonna be pretty intense considering the girls' costumes are...gonna be hard to change out of. We have 1 minutes. 60. seconds. to change out of our dresses and then into a whole new costume. and Lord knows I'm a SLOW dresser. I think I've talked about this before .but crap. Imma die.
but I did find out today that I have a soloish type thingamajig. :) It's just a buncha adlibbing in our 2nd song, but Imma sound beastly:) And Drinkall (our director) just walked up to me and told me he wanted me to learn it. No audition or nothinn. And then I had a happy breakdown. pahaha:) It made my day.
so...I got nothing to talk about. See ya:)
-Kiera
I have no idea what to write. I pretty much think, breathe...LIVE show choir lately. Just cuz...I'm at bonfils all the time. I'm practicing all the time. I'm either singing, dancing or sleeping. All the time. Eating doesn't count. cuz I do barely any of that now too. ha:) Not on purpose. I just forget to eat. Which happened today. I had breakfast and then went all day without eating anything until I realized I had a headache at 11:00 and went downstairs and ate some corndogs. Delish:P
Yeahh.
Have you ever looked in the mirror and been unsatisfied with the image that you see? Do ever think "Ugh. I need to lay off on the french fries." Or...something along those lines? I don't know why, I seem to pick out every little flaw of myself. The little pudge pack on my tummy. (hehe...pudge pack...) The way my eyebrow curves in the wrong way. The way my nose looks too big. Or how when I smile my dimples make my face look fat. of how my teeth or gross. You know I could just keep going on and on and on but I think that might bore you, so Imma stop here.
Anyways...yeah. I know I've talked about this before but..I have self-confidence issues. People give me compliments but I guess I just...see that people lie. I know people lie and so..I don't believe anyone. Because when I look in the mirror, I don't see beauty. I see a million different flaws that need to be fixed. I didn't used to see that. I wish someone would make me believe I was beautiful. Because I just can't do it myself. and don't go all 'oh you sad little child. you need a therapist.' wow. We're not going there, hunny. Go suck a muffin. Nobody wants you here. HAA. Okay I had to randomly rant for some reason...I apologize for that.
So...Show Choir. Since it's my life right now, I'll talk a little about that.
Our Dress rehearsal is on THURSDAY. and our first competition is on FRIDAY. I'm exctied...and NERVOUS! We're just starting costume changes tomorrow and I think I might just DIE. It's gonna be pretty intense considering the girls' costumes are...gonna be hard to change out of. We have 1 minutes. 60. seconds. to change out of our dresses and then into a whole new costume. and Lord knows I'm a SLOW dresser. I think I've talked about this before .but crap. Imma die.
but I did find out today that I have a soloish type thingamajig. :) It's just a buncha adlibbing in our 2nd song, but Imma sound beastly:) And Drinkall (our director) just walked up to me and told me he wanted me to learn it. No audition or nothinn. And then I had a happy breakdown. pahaha:) It made my day.
so...I got nothing to talk about. See ya:)
-Kiera
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Brick. Wall.
I will not be upset. I will not cry. I won't hang my head and let it beat me. I won't be the girl no one has seen. And no one will. Because I'm strong as hell as I always will be. I've made some stupid mistakes. I've believed stupid lies. I've allowed myself to be hurt far too many times. and I'm not gonna let it happen again. The risks can be taken, but the walls will not go down again. No matter how well I think it could work out. or how much I have feelings for a person. I'm a rock.
Happy 5th Birthday Maxwell Loveless. :)
-Kiera
Happy 5th Birthday Maxwell Loveless. :)
-Kiera
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Passionate.
Good evening Blogger! haa. I have show choir in about an hour so I'm not sure how much I'll be able to write. but here goes nothing:)
Today was absolutely wonderful and I have no idea why. I realize that I have no idea about a lot of stuff. I guess that's okayy. I didn't have to come to school, but I did because I wanted to hear the college choir that came to perform for us 5th hour. I'm so glad I went. We're taking finals at my school, but I have perfect attendance so I don't have to take them. Awesome right? Yeah, unfortunately this is the last year they're doing that. Next year finals will be mandatory. Ugh:/ Well anyways, people who didn't have to take em' got to go to an empty classroom that the teacher volunteered her plan time for kids to go to, the library, or the gym. Me and some friends spent most of the time sitting in comfy chairs in the library listening to our ipods and chattin' it up. It was pretty beast, if I do say so myself. Then at the end of the day the choir came to perform and....wow they were good. I don't know what it is, but when I hear music...it's just..I can't explain it. I absolutely LOVE music. Throughout that whole thing I could not stop smiling. I guess music is just my passion. They would sing these perfect chords and I'd get butterflies and like...giggle! It was pretty funny. It's pretty much the same feeling of being in love. Except a million times stronger. Beautiful. And now I know that music HAS to be my profession. Because it's my passion. It's amazing how happy it can make me! I can be crying and sobbing and snotting all over myself and music just...makes it better. So much better than any boy. Imma marry music:) Kiera Madison Cecilia Loveless Music. I like itt. >.< I'm just gonna talk about music now. Because it interests me.
My momma said ever since I was little I've been a 'performer'. She said when people would take pictures of me, I would smile all cheesy and make a cute little face and pose. and that when I met new people, I was the most outgoing little girl in the world. and I'd show them all my toys and put on a show for them, and everything. Ha. And I had the HUGEST chubby cheeks. and my eyes were like...giiiigantic. They're still pretty big. but jeez. My daddy couldn't resist my puppy dog eyes:) Now they don't work:( haa. Anywaysss. I was talking to my mom the other day, and I asked when I started singing. and she's like 'literally since you were born.' and I was kinda arguing with it, considering newborns cannot sing...:P so then she told me ever since I could talk, I could sing. and when I was little, my mom sang at weddings, and so she'd sing around the house all the time, and I'd just mimic her. and I had vibrato. I'm not being cocky. IM NOT!! I SUCK!! IMMA GO KILL MYSELF CUZ I SUCK SO BAAAD!!!
Okay. I'm joking. I'm just...I don't think I'm all that good.
Anyways. Music. Is. My. Passion. I was walking home from the bus stop today. and...when I hear a song on my ipod that I know, it's almost impossible for me not to bust out singing it. So I'm walking home to the beat of the song, like lip singing it and making hand gestures and everything. My neighbors probably thought I was insane! :P I'm just happy that I have something that can make me so happy and will never fail me. Music isn't going to break up with me:PP haa. That would be a HORRIBLE DAY.
Well, that's not the only thing that can make me happy and will never leave me. I got God:) He's there to hold me when I need someone to hold me. He's there to hold my hand. He's there to talk to when I need a friend. He's always there. I love God. He's my other boyfriend. I have two now. Imma player. ;) Music and God are pretty awesome boyfriends. :DD You wish Music and God were your boyfriend. But they are MINE. Haa. :))
I'm just...I'm really happy. I keep saying that and then a month later I'm snotting all over myself again. But that's not gonna happen. No matter what happens to me, I'm being strong. I am a BRICK WALL. No one can break me. I'm not playing anyone's games anymore. and I'm not gonna let anything I see or hear hurt me. Because I'm Kiera Madison Cecilia Loveless. I can face anything. Bring on the Earthquakes. Bring on the heartbreak. Cuz I'm not stupid enough to trust anyone anyways. I'm the independant chick all the guys call wierd and mental. You know what? I don't give a care! I'm myself and that's all that matters. I'm not afraid to sing and dance in front of a thousand people. I'm not afraid to run down the school hallway screaming TUUUUNNNAAAA FISSSSHHHH!!! Imma be just fine:) Go ahead. Try to break me. You. Will. FAIL.
Haaaaaaa. Sorry. I'm in one of those moods...nothing's gonna stop me now. NOTHING.
I guess that's all for noww.
Question of the Blog? ::
What's your passion?
-Kiera
Today was absolutely wonderful and I have no idea why. I realize that I have no idea about a lot of stuff. I guess that's okayy. I didn't have to come to school, but I did because I wanted to hear the college choir that came to perform for us 5th hour. I'm so glad I went. We're taking finals at my school, but I have perfect attendance so I don't have to take them. Awesome right? Yeah, unfortunately this is the last year they're doing that. Next year finals will be mandatory. Ugh:/ Well anyways, people who didn't have to take em' got to go to an empty classroom that the teacher volunteered her plan time for kids to go to, the library, or the gym. Me and some friends spent most of the time sitting in comfy chairs in the library listening to our ipods and chattin' it up. It was pretty beast, if I do say so myself. Then at the end of the day the choir came to perform and....wow they were good. I don't know what it is, but when I hear music...it's just..I can't explain it. I absolutely LOVE music. Throughout that whole thing I could not stop smiling. I guess music is just my passion. They would sing these perfect chords and I'd get butterflies and like...giggle! It was pretty funny. It's pretty much the same feeling of being in love. Except a million times stronger. Beautiful. And now I know that music HAS to be my profession. Because it's my passion. It's amazing how happy it can make me! I can be crying and sobbing and snotting all over myself and music just...makes it better. So much better than any boy. Imma marry music:) Kiera Madison Cecilia Loveless Music. I like itt. >.< I'm just gonna talk about music now. Because it interests me.
My momma said ever since I was little I've been a 'performer'. She said when people would take pictures of me, I would smile all cheesy and make a cute little face and pose. and that when I met new people, I was the most outgoing little girl in the world. and I'd show them all my toys and put on a show for them, and everything. Ha. And I had the HUGEST chubby cheeks. and my eyes were like...giiiigantic. They're still pretty big. but jeez. My daddy couldn't resist my puppy dog eyes:) Now they don't work:( haa. Anywaysss. I was talking to my mom the other day, and I asked when I started singing. and she's like 'literally since you were born.' and I was kinda arguing with it, considering newborns cannot sing...:P so then she told me ever since I could talk, I could sing. and when I was little, my mom sang at weddings, and so she'd sing around the house all the time, and I'd just mimic her. and I had vibrato. I'm not being cocky. IM NOT!! I SUCK!! IMMA GO KILL MYSELF CUZ I SUCK SO BAAAD!!!
Okay. I'm joking. I'm just...I don't think I'm all that good.
Anyways. Music. Is. My. Passion. I was walking home from the bus stop today. and...when I hear a song on my ipod that I know, it's almost impossible for me not to bust out singing it. So I'm walking home to the beat of the song, like lip singing it and making hand gestures and everything. My neighbors probably thought I was insane! :P I'm just happy that I have something that can make me so happy and will never fail me. Music isn't going to break up with me:PP haa. That would be a HORRIBLE DAY.
Well, that's not the only thing that can make me happy and will never leave me. I got God:) He's there to hold me when I need someone to hold me. He's there to hold my hand. He's there to talk to when I need a friend. He's always there. I love God. He's my other boyfriend. I have two now. Imma player. ;) Music and God are pretty awesome boyfriends. :DD You wish Music and God were your boyfriend. But they are MINE. Haa. :))
I'm just...I'm really happy. I keep saying that and then a month later I'm snotting all over myself again. But that's not gonna happen. No matter what happens to me, I'm being strong. I am a BRICK WALL. No one can break me. I'm not playing anyone's games anymore. and I'm not gonna let anything I see or hear hurt me. Because I'm Kiera Madison Cecilia Loveless. I can face anything. Bring on the Earthquakes. Bring on the heartbreak. Cuz I'm not stupid enough to trust anyone anyways. I'm the independant chick all the guys call wierd and mental. You know what? I don't give a care! I'm myself and that's all that matters. I'm not afraid to sing and dance in front of a thousand people. I'm not afraid to run down the school hallway screaming TUUUUNNNAAAA FISSSSHHHH!!! Imma be just fine:) Go ahead. Try to break me. You. Will. FAIL.
Haaaaaaa. Sorry. I'm in one of those moods...nothing's gonna stop me now. NOTHING.
I guess that's all for noww.
Question of the Blog? ::
What's your passion?
-Kiera
Saturday, January 1, 2011
The shoe doesn't fit
Oh was I mistaken. Why does this keep happening to me?! I'm a good kid, right? Then why do I keep getting hurt? Am I never gonna be able to put those walls back down just because when I finally give someone my trust they break it? Or someone I call my friend says they'll e there for me no matter what and then ignores me and decides I'm nothing again because im not perfect enough. I'm not pretty like all the other girls. I don't have perfect hair and straight teeth. But im myself. And no one likes me. And I make he mistake of trusting people. I letmyself get Hurt over and over and I don't know what I did to deserve it! God, why can't you write my love story with a happy ending?! Instead of all the characters getting their happy ever after and constrained left with a tear soaked bed and anorexia? Yeah. Great story. Why do I get the Sucky story? I've always been faithful and the best person I could be and all the girls who arent faithful have happy endings. I guess it really is all in the looks. And I'm always gonna be the 2nd choice or the 3rd wheel because im not good enough for anyone else. I'm not the pretty girl who gets along with everyone, plays a million sports has straight As and is the president of half the clubs in school. I wish I was. But that'll never be me.
Sorry you had to hear that. This is my only place to rant.
-Kiera
Sorry you had to hear that. This is my only place to rant.
-Kiera
2011? O.o
Crap. 2011's gonna suck:/ I can feel it. The first day of it blows chunks. And my new year's resolution was to be happy. RAHHH. I'm happy that 2011 is gonna suck:) WOO. ugh. It. should. be. good. grrrr....okay. I'm done ranting. You know what makes me angry? My dad won't let me get songs off the internet for my ipod, because its 'illegal' and then he also won't let me buy anything on itunes. So I'm screwed. But luckily I have an awesome friend who is making me a CD.:)
So...I just looked at the show choir calendar. HOLY. CRAP. Hell month. For sure. We have practice practically EVERY SINGLE DAY every week. It's intense. and then on weekends we have it from 1-9. O.O I think I might just die. This is like Musical hell week, but a million times worse, right? I'm not gonna be sleeping, am I? haha. I won't be sleeping anyways. So...yeahh...I'm bored out of my mind. FORREAL. Today has been the most boringest day of my life. And that's saying. I usually try to use grammar. Boringest. It irks me. But I'll keep it to explain how excruciatingly boring this day is. I think I might cry.
...
Okay so I'm exaggerating a little bit. But It's been a very uneventful...okay that was ironic. My dad just walked up to me and goes 'would you be nervous to sing the national anthem at a blues game?' and I was like 'yeah, but I'd do it. Why?' and he's like 'so you'd wanna do it?' and I go 'yeahh...why?!' and he's like 'cuz I could prolly hook that up. I know some people' and I was like 'no you don't.' and he's like 'seriously! If you really wanna do it I could probably make it happen!' wowzers. I'm kinda...wow. I'd be on TV. O.o That's awesome.
Okay. Well...gotta eat dinner. :)
-Kiera
(ps. HAPPY NEW YEAR:))
So...I just looked at the show choir calendar. HOLY. CRAP. Hell month. For sure. We have practice practically EVERY SINGLE DAY every week. It's intense. and then on weekends we have it from 1-9. O.O I think I might just die. This is like Musical hell week, but a million times worse, right? I'm not gonna be sleeping, am I? haha. I won't be sleeping anyways. So...yeahh...I'm bored out of my mind. FORREAL. Today has been the most boringest day of my life. And that's saying. I usually try to use grammar. Boringest. It irks me. But I'll keep it to explain how excruciatingly boring this day is. I think I might cry.
...
Okay so I'm exaggerating a little bit. But It's been a very uneventful...okay that was ironic. My dad just walked up to me and goes 'would you be nervous to sing the national anthem at a blues game?' and I was like 'yeah, but I'd do it. Why?' and he's like 'so you'd wanna do it?' and I go 'yeahh...why?!' and he's like 'cuz I could prolly hook that up. I know some people' and I was like 'no you don't.' and he's like 'seriously! If you really wanna do it I could probably make it happen!' wowzers. I'm kinda...wow. I'd be on TV. O.o That's awesome.
Okay. Well...gotta eat dinner. :)
-Kiera
(ps. HAPPY NEW YEAR:))
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