I've realized that I think; a lot. Too much. I know I've said this before, but it's true. My brain is way too busy. But sometimes, thinking is a good thing. It has its ups and downs. When I think too much, I'll make myself cry from the confusion of everything in my life. When I don't think, I end up doing something stupid. So either way, there's a chance of it ending up suckish. But it's okay to think. because when you really stop and think, you realize how wonderful the world. How sucky it is too. But to me, the things that matter most are the little things. When you stop and look at your life, it's not the huge things that happen that you really remember. It's the little things that happened during those big things. Like the memories of when you were little. You remember little things. I remember when I was 3, my cousin would come over who was a year older than me, and he would come over to the apartment alla time. And I was in love with Buzz Lightyear. I had dolls, action figures, stickers, everything. But he was afraid of him. And so my mom would tell me Tyler is coming over, and I'd run upstairs to my room and shove all my little buzz lightyear toys into my little play kitchen thing, and when he finally got to my house, we'd play in my room, and Buzz would constantly fall out of the little drawers. and I remember putting them away over and over. That's such a random, little thing to remember. But I remember it like it was yesterday. and I remember going over to my grandma's house when I was little, and she'd put on the old singing/music channel show and we'd dance around in the kitchen. I loved that. I remember from show choir trips. The way that you sit for hours and hours on end listening to a million different show choirs, and you go home and you hear choirs singing as people are talking. So someone would talk to you, and it'd sound like they were singing. A choir. Singing. Weird. But I'm not the only one who does that.
So news?
I'm trying out for the X-Factor. If you don't know what it is, it's a singing show that's new to America this year. My mom's friend Geri saw it on TV and told my mom she wanted me to try out. I told her I'd do it at first and then told my mom I'd think about it. But my mom signed me up for an audition anyways and now we're going to Chicago on the 27th of April to audition for a TV show. Not that I'm not excited or that I don't wanna do it. I'm way psyched. But I'm nervous and...scared. Not so much for the audition. I'm just kinda scared that I will make it. Because if I make it, I'd prolly have to give up school and show choir next year. I'd have to be tutored and I would be away from home...I don't wanna give up high school and everything. And everyone keeps saying 'but Kiera! You could be famous! You could be RICH!" What if I don't wanna be rich? What if I just wanna be a teenager for a while. Live my life as normal as it is now? I'm scared. I don't wanna tell my mom I don't wanna do it, cuz I do. But I don't wanna try out and make it and then back down. Maybe I just won't make it. My mom told me I'm thinking way too far ahead, and yes, I agree. but I like to know what's going to happen. I don't like to just...do stuff and say 'we'll figure that out when it comes.' no. I just like to plan ahead I guess. but Imma just chillax and see what happens. I'm scared and nervous and stuff but...I guess I have to be. We'll see. So wish me luck? whoever's reading this.
Onto another subject.
Do you ever feel completely lost? Like...you don't know anything and your confused and people are saying stuff about you that you wish they'd just shut up? Because you don't know who you are, you don't know what other people think you are, and you don't know who you wanna be.? Because that's how I feel. I mean I know I'm Kiera Loveless. Brown hair, Brown eyes. I love music, and performing. Singing is my passion. I've always dreamed of singing on a big stage with a million people in the audience and lights and all the ritzy stuff. I love feeling loved. That little feeling of your heart being squeezed is my favorite feeling. I haven't felt that feeling in a long time. At least not to the extent I wish I would. I'm insecure. I'm strong. I'm weak. I'm brave. I'm scared.
but who am I?
People seem to think I'm a freak. That's how it seems when people look at me when I walk down the hall at school. The freak with the stringy brown hair, clothes that look raggy on her, big doe eyes and too much stuff to carry. I just wish I could fit in sometimes. All those girls that walk around like high school is a breeze. They get a million hello's in the hall. They're always walking with someone. Everyone tells them how much they love them because they're just 'so cool'. and I'm the one who's always walking alone. Most of the time at least. I'm the one with friends who people step all over. and when I try and stand up for myself, people laugh at me. Because apparently I'm funny when I'm mad. I just...wanna be liked. I want people to look at me and think I'm cool. But I doubt that'll ever happen. I'm Show Queer. I don't even care if people call me that. It makes me so mad when I hear that name. I love what I do. I love it. and my school's basketball team made it to state this year. So everyone's freaking out and that's all they can talk about. Do the choir kids ever get any recognition? We work our butts off! We're going to a NATIONAL show choir competition this year. But no one cares about us cuz apparently we're all freaks.
Sorry, I had to get that out. I'm just tired of being unappreciated. I want someone to look at me for once and think Wow, she's really an awesome person. but no one does that. I try so hard to be the best I can be. I'm never full of myself. I give people advice because I love helping people. And I love the people I give advice to. but when I ask a friend for advice, or tell them something is wrong, All I seem to get is 'I'm sorry.' Great. I'm glad your sorry. That doesn't help me. Alright, now I'm just ranting. No one wants to hear about this. My mom said some people are good listeners and some aren't. I know who are. So...yeah. :P I guess that's all for today. I don't really have anything else to write about!
See yaa;)
Love,
-Kiera
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