The Wheel of the World

Heyya(: it's been, what, forever? Still no Internet. But I've four a way to steal wifi from the neighbors. I know...I'm pretty dangerous(; so life is pretty good, I guess. Not perfect, but life's never perfect. I guess that's what makes the good times even more great. Sophomore year has been great! It's been filled with lots of...changes, I guess? I guess I could say I'm a lot different than last time I wrote. My confidence is a little less broken, and I'm also a little- a LOT - more guarded than I used to be. Trusting people doesn't come as naturally as it used to for me anymore. Which is kinda sad, but...unfortunately true. I guess it's a good thing. Cuz trusting people too muc always ends up hurting me. It seems like people only want me for the good things. They only want my friendship when ts convenient for them. Which reminds me of this poem that I'm reciting for this poetry contest at my school. It's called Solitude, by Ella Wheeler Wilcox and ts perfect for me.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you
Weep, and you weep alone
For the sad old earth must borrow it's mirth
But has trouble enough of it's own
Sing, and the hills will answer
Sigh, it is Lost in the air
The echoes bound from a joyful sound
But shrink from voicing care

Rejoice, and men will seek you
Grieve, they will turn and go
They want full measure of all your pleasure
But they do not need your woe.
Be glad and your friends are many
Be sad, you will lose them all
There are none to decline your nectared wine
But alone you must drink life's gall

Feast, and your halls are crowded
Fast, and the world goes by
Succeed and give, and it helps you live
But no man can help you die
There is room in the halls of pleasure
For a large ad Lordy train
But one by one we must al file on
Through the narrow isles of pain

Great, right? I love it. It fits me so well. It seems so true though. A lotta people have befriended me, and I've been stupid enough to put my trust in them, and then they end up hurting me. Someone you think is your best friend, who knows all your secrets, every single one, all of a sudden completely stops talking to you. And sadly, more than one person has done that to me. And it hurts- a lot. But what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Yeah, I wouldve liked for that NOT to happen, but it helped me realize who my real friends. And there's is only one friend in my life that I can relate to so well that I can truly tell er everyone. She is my true best friend, but I won't name names... It's really great to have someone like that. When the rest of the world decides that I'm not worth their time, she's got my back. Sometimes I do feel alone though. Sometimes a friend like that isn't enough. Because I have other best friends, just not ones that I trust asmich as her. And it still hurts when they're too busy for me. I have this friend that her boyfriend broke up with her, and we bece really close right after. But soon after she found a new boyfriend. And slowly but surely, I was not the most important person in her life anymore. I didn't get invited to hang out, and outside of school, we didn't talk. And that felt unfair. And then there's the fact that a lot of my friends don't understand how my brain works. Sometimes I don't understand it either. But sometimes the things every girl would love, I don't want. Why, I cannot explain. There was this guy that liked me. All my best friends kept telling me to give hi a chance and blahblahblah. So I tried to pretend I liked him. And it made me feel horrible. Sometimes, you just gotta what's meant to be happen. You can't force yourself into something that doesnt make you happy. And I understand that now. My mom says I'm just 'scared' cuz I don't want to be hurt. Okay, that might be part of it. But I know what I want, and when people try and tell me what I should want, it is one of my pet peeves. I'm my own person. Get out. Ha(:

So, it's almost the end of 2011. Not necessarily an 'eventful' year. But I am a better person. 1st semester this year I have straight a's. No A-s!! That makes me very happy. I'm not really that smart, honestly. I am so stupid when it comes to street-smarts. And I wouldn't be surprised if I had a learning disability. I learn WAY slower than most people do...especially when it comes to physical stuff like DANCING. But I'm also a perfectionist. and when something isn't perfect, I go ca-razy. Especially in my paperwork at school. If there's a tiny little wrinkle, or I erased a word too many times, I will get a new paper and re-do it. And my school bag has to be perfectly clean. My room...not so much(; lol. And I don't like not being in control of my life. I want to be able to make my own decisions. So when my friends try and set me up with a boy, and I yell at them, they always think I'm crazy. I want to make things happen on my own. Sometimes I feel like I'm stupid for that. But I trust myself. I don't wanna end up hurt. And sometimes, I'm the only one who can garuntee myself that.
You ever look in the mirror and think "ew."? Yeah...it sucks. But what I've learned is that your imperfections are what make you, you. I don't like my nose. I think it looks like a fat, rabbit's nose. But Psh, maybe someone will think that my fat rabbit's nose is beautiful one day(:
I guess that's it for now. I feel like if I continue writing, Ill keep repeating myself so...

Au revoir, mon amour!!

-Kiera(: