Special.

Good evening, bloggers. (: I haven't written in a while, I know. But I'm actually on my daddy's laptop for work right now and it gets wifi ( thank GOD ) so I think I might use this to post from now on. I like actually being able to type things out, takes way less time than on my ipod.
So I've been thinking (that's a dangerous thing, sometimes). People talk about not being happy all the time, and it got me thinking about my own happiness. Honestly, happiness is something that only the person seeking it can give to themselves. I made that sound confusing. Well, i guess my point is, if you want to be happy, then be happy! You have the power to make yourself happy, and you should know the things that your heart desires. Don't do something that does not make you happy, though it makes others happy. Because sometimes, your happiness should be put above others. Now I'm not saying be a selfish prick all the time. I just saying that sometimes, considering yourself in the equation is not being selfish. It's acknowledging that you matter to you too. And that no matter what people say about you, you love yourself. And loving yourself is so important.
Another topic I wanted to hit on. We're singing this song in show choir called "You are my home" for our ballad. It's this super lovey-dovey song, that, at first, was really hard to sing about. Cuz I don't really..love anyone like that, you know? I haven't for a really long time. So I didn't really know how to sing about it with emotion. Because somehow I always find someway to make the song fit me. And I found a way to make it fit this one! I was singing it at home and trying to find a way to relate to it. I realize that just because it talks about a love and how this person is "their home, making them strong" does not mean it has to be about a significant other. I thought...what if I sang about something that does make me happy. Like show choir itself. Whenever I first moved to Troy, I was not accepted at all. I've already told you guys about this:P anyways. I realize that any song can adapt to your feelings if you make it. You are my Home for me, is about my Team in show choir and how they make me feel welcome and like I am invincible. I love show choir because I feel like everyone in that group isn't going to tell the whole school about me. Although I'm not best friends with everyone in our group, I do think that almost everyone are good people. And the group in general, makes me feel safe and accepted. Express is my home(: The rest of our songs aren't too hard to connect to. I love our opener(: hehee. So next time you have a hard time 'connecting' with a song, how everyone says. Just make the song fit you.
Last year we sang Hotel California as our ballad (i know, super weird.) It was great!! Everyone couldn't really adapt to it, so we all sat down in a circle and talked about what it meant to us. and I explained that Hotel California to me, was talking about this place that everyone wants to get to, because they think that at this magical place, you can escape all of your problems. And then they get there and realize that they can never escape their problems, because in their hearts, they will always weigh heavy with them. and how this place is somewhere that will make them feel accepted, but somehow, all of these amazing things that people think are going to happen in this place are false. Everyone looked at me like...woah...Kiera just went deep:P It was pretty cool. It helps me a lot if I sit down and read the song(:

My hands are actually starting to cramp up from typing. That kinda makes me proud. Although this blog post really honestly is not nearly even close to the longest post. I'm one of those ramblers, aren't I? I could talk about Show Choir, and performing, and all that jazz for hours and hours on end.

Aight. New topic. Do you ever imagine yourself 10 years from now? I do. A lot. I'm so curious as to what my lifes gonna be like. Will I be married? Will I have kids? Will I still love music just as much as I do now? Will I have a great job? Will I be HAPPY?
I think that's the most important thing. I honestly just want to be happy. Sometimes I do feel like nobody understands me. Sometimes I feel like its me, against the world. But I know thats okay because I know I'm not the only one who feels that way. Sometimes it's so surprising to find that people do think in the same way I do. Not exactly the same, obviously, but similar. I wish I could find someone who thought just like me. I wish somebody out there could just give me a hug and tell me that it's gonna be okay. That no matter what life hands me, they will be there for me. I know there are people that will. I'm just afraid I won't always have them. Because you don't always have your best friends from high school. I'm so afraid that I'll grow up, and I'll be alone. I love the people in my life now. I want to keep those realtionships. Some things are just so complicated. I know you can't exactly plan a life. Because unexpected things happen all the time. We fall in love. We make babies! We lose our jobs. We win awards! Whatever life throws at us...everyone just feels like that have to be prepared. So they plan, plan, plan. And yes, I will plan for my future. But I don't wanna plan to a T. Because I don't want to dissapoint myself. I don't want to tell myself that I'm capable of getting into a great college and not. I don't want to tell myself I'm something special throughout high school, and get used to people complimenting my voice in such, and then get out in the real world, and realize that...I'm really nothing special. because I kinda realize that's how it's gonna be. Sometimes I just wanna give up on my dreams. Everyone says "you'll be famous one day" but no one really means it. And if they do, its just a dream. It's just a hope. I'm nothing special. Sure, I can sing. But me as a person...I'm just Kiera. Just...eh. I want to be special to somebody. I feel like I haven't been special to anybody in so long. I'm tired of hearing "your so great, your voice is beautiful." for once I just want to hear "You are special to me." Or "You are just one very special person." And not jokingly. I want to be special to someone. I want someone to look at me and smile. and I want someone to love my smile. I want someone to hug whenever I just really need a hug. and not just a friendly "oh, kiera needs a hug." But a "I'm going to hug you because that's all I know how to do right now" hug. I just feel like somethings missing. In my crazy life that should seem perfect, there's one element that I feel like 10 years from now, it'll kill me not to have. I know I have all the time in the world. I just feel like I'm not good enough for anyone. Yes, I'm supposed to be confident, this is true. But this is how I feel. Sometimes I seem like the most confident person but no one will ever truly understand how badly I just want to be...special.To someone. I want every part of me to be special.
I just hope that day comes someday.