Awkward ol' me.

Gooood evening.
I'm really in the mood to write a song, but I can't think of the right words. So I'm blogging. You know--get the brain juices flowin?
Have you ever looked at someone--really looked at someone and realized how...fond of them you are? Boy, do I sound a bit awkward. Well obviously I'm not talking about one of my friends. I think you can figure this out. But sometimes I just wonder if anyone ever...looks at me. Like that. Yknow? How do people see me? Do they notice when I'm nervous that I twirl my hair and bite my lip? Do they notice that when I feel out of place I hug my arms to chest and look down? Do they realize when I want attention I simply look away? I know all of my quirks I could on and on..I sweat, embarrassingly. When I get embarassed, my face turns tomato red and a few minutes later I always have a little red spot on my chest. When I'm Upset, I open my eyes wider to keep from tearing up. And just the other day, as I was driving home, I sat a stop sign at the end of a street. Just sat there, and giggled. I'm kinda...out there. But my point of this is. I just wonder if anyone...notices those little things. Or notices me at all sometimes. Once again, I'm probably the most paranoid person on the planet. When I fall in love, I get crazy scared. I don't know of I'm the only one--probably--but I'm not one to approach boys. I get so. Incredibly. Nervous. Eve after I'm already dating them. Im too scared to walk up and hug em or hold his hand I'm always afraid I'll come off as clingy or needy. So I just...don't. Sometimes I just wish I was braver. I plan out almost everything. What will I say? What will I do if he says this? What if we go here? Freak out. I know sometimes there's no point in that. But I do it. My personality is just kind of awkward I guess. I get nervous and say really stupid things and then hate myself for it later.
I just hope that's not a super-fault and I'll never hold up a relationship because of my awkwardness. I don't try to be...I just anxiety very badly. It actually runs in the family. Anxiety attacks and crap. So I'm definitely not just making this up.
And you know what sucks? Having no control over being as paranoid as I am. You know the worst feeling? Getting a phone call and hearing "there's someone else" and then later realizing that it's affecting your future with other people. I can't get it out of my head. Can't help but worry that I'll get that very same phone call. "There's someone else". No. There can't be. Not again. And there won't be. Trust. It's happening. Slowly but surely.