Memories.

I can't just wait for something to happen forever. Because that something...the something that I think about everynight and imagine every possible way it could happen and reply those ideas over and over in my mind...that something isn't gonna happen. I'm just gotta have to get over it. Get over it. :/
I can't be afraid of what'll happen in the next few months.
I can't look back at what was, and wish it still was. Over and over again. Well...I guess I can. But there's no use. It's a stupid wish. A stupid, unrealistic wish.
I also can't just forget. I can't just forget everything. The mere thought of that scares the living crap outta me. I can't forget. I just can't.
Knowing that what I felt wasn't just a dream..kinda gives me confidence. I don't pretend to know what love is. But I know I've experienced it. I don't know if that was the only love I'll ever get, or if someone else will come along and love me. I don't know. I guess all there's left for me to do is wait and see.
and while I'm waiting I have to remember to stay true to myself.
Yesterday, someone told me they thought I was becoming too much like my best friend, Amanda.
After her boyfriend broke up with her the first time (They've broken up and gotten back together a bunch of times since then) she was never herself again. They're back together but she's still not herself. My friend told me that everyone stopped to her and no one really liked her. Which isn't completely true, but she did lose some friends because she became so upset. And my friend told me that I wasn't being myself.
Who is 'myself'?!! I'm just fine most of the time because I don't talk to people about it anymore because everyone's sick of hearing about it. No one really cares anymore they just want me to be happy little Kiera and solve their problems for them and tell them everything will be okay.
I try beyond what I can function to be the best friend and student and performer and whatever else I am that I can be and people tell me I'm spending too much time with Amanda, and I'm being like her, and I'm being over dramatic and that I need to get over it, and that I'll be fine.
They don't know.
They don't know anything.
I guess everything happens for a reason. Yeah.
and some good things have come outta this whole thing.
I met a new friend. Annaaaa:)
She's helped me through it a lot. I'm thankful for that. Because...without her I prolly wouldn't be as better as I am now.
My other friends have  helped me too.
And all my other friends started talking to me more. Probably just cuz they're worried about me.
I swear the day after it happened I got so many hugs I couldn't count.
I remember.
I got to Express..and I just sat down in the corner next to the door cuz Mrs.Peitzman hadn't gotten there yet. and I just sat there. And stared into space. and Nick walked up and goes 'What's wrong with you? Why're you so depressed looking?" And I looked at him like "seriously. Are you an idiot?" because really? Everyone knew. and then Kimmie and Nick and Josh all started singing Can't Touch it in my face and made me laugh. and then made me sing it with them. Then when we got in I laid down on a riser and stared up at the ceiling. You see, usually before express, us being the only 4 freshman in the room, it was crazy town. And we'd run around and laugh and sing and do stupid stuff. But that day...we all sat in silence. Just cuz I'm sad doesn't mean every else had to be. but then they all started tickling me. That made me feel a little bit better. I'm lucky to have friends like that.
And in choir...we were watching hairspray that day. and EVERYONE sat by me. and gave me hugs. and tried to make me laugh. It worked a few times. And then I started banging my head on the riser just..because. and then everyone started freaking out and grabbing me and begging me not to bang my head on the riser. Dang. I mean...I wasn't getting brain damage or anything. But still.
And Kayla made me eat at lunch. MADE me eat. so did Bethany. Cuz I just got a bag of chips and a juice. And I sat there and stared at it. And when I ate a few and said I was full, Bethany looks at me and says "You are not going there. Eat. NOW." And shoves a cheeto in my face. That's a good friend:)
And...last night at the football game.
I dunno it just makes me feel really good when a buncha band people yell "KIERA!" and make me come over and  give them hugs. I like hugs. >.<
And everyone just knows to leave him out of conversation.
And to talk about funny things.
Like bushes. AH. That actually made me laugh. Thank you Kayla;)
And the other day at A plus. I was talking to Ale, and she said something about Linda talking to me and him at the same time. and I just turned beat red. she she like..looked guilty. and I go "well that's ironic" and she laughed and said "I know!" And tried to change the subject.
I have good friends.
I do. I do. I do.
I have a good family.
When my gramma was in the hospital...I was so scared I came downstairs to my mom and just hugged her and cried and said "I'm scared." and so she let me call the hospital and I talked to my grandma. It made me feel a lot better.
The crazy thing about my gramma is that she's always so selfless. She worries about others. Not herself. She told me that she was gonna be just fine and what the doctors said and then goes "Well are you doin' better? You really scared me on monday. I've been praying for you." And I felt really bad. Could you pick a worse time? Really? When I'm at my grandma's house?! I never get to see her and you RUINED my day with her! No. I'm not blaming him. That's rude. I blame myself. I took it way harsh.
I remember that she took us to the dollar store. and I walked in and tried with all my might to STOP. CRYING. but I couldn't. They just kept coming. I did not know it was possible for the human body to produce that much tears in one day. and she bought me a bouncy ball. cuz she said we could get something  but I didn't really care to pick something out so I just grabbed a bouncy ball. I don't know where that ball is still...and the cash register guy looked at me like I was a sick little girl dying of cancer.
I didn't look that bad, did I? I mean..I was only crying. I didn't look that bad...did I? :/
and then my mom came to pick us up from gramma's and the first thing she did was pull me into a  big  hug.
I'm really lucky to have what I have.
Really lucky...

Some of my dad's friends came over to watch the hockey game tonight. I hate it when my dad's friends come over. They always drink. I mean they're not always drunk. But they're not always sober either. My dad always stays pretty sober. He's a good daddy:) but sometimes...my dad's friends aren't as mature. I'm not going to explain that time on the internet. :P

I was gonna write more...but I gotta go clean my room.
Dangitt.

Kiera