You don't know me.

You don't know me.
4 words that confuse the heck outta me.
My head is...swimming.
Everyone keeps  saying that "people change. You can't focus on who he was. You gotta focus on who he is now."
It's not like he's changed his name and moved to Siberia. 
Things do change, but people are still themselves. People may be different, but somewhere they're still themselves. I may not seem like myself lately. It's because I'm scared. I'm even more scared that I was was before, because I'm scared I'll never be happy like I was again. I'll never get those little...heart butterflies. I want swarms of beautiful, bright orange monarch butterflies to take off in my stomach and reach my heart and make me feel like I can fly again.
I wanna wake up and know somebody cares.
I want a real hug.
I want to be able to trust.
I just don't know.
The other day in english some kid looked at me and says 'hey are you going out with that one kid?' and I could feel my whole body stiffen and my cheeks go aflame as I said 'I'm not going out with anyone.' and looked back to my desk.
'Well who were you going out with?' He'd pressed. This bothered me. It was none of his business whom I had dated, and honestly, I didn't know if I could push the name through my lips without bursting into tears in the middle of Communication Skills 1.
After muttering the name, of course I thought he'd leave me alone, but he looks at me again.
"Why aren't you going out anymore?"
I shrug, trying to look casual, but knowing my face was beat red and my my hands were shaking a little.
"I dunno. Ask him." I muttered. "He broke up with me."
and then I turned away.
I dunno why i described that but that kinda just...ruined my day. Then in 3rd hour, Ac lab, the girl sitting next to me goes...
"So how're you doing with the whole Jake thing?"
I barely even know her.
I just stuck my hand out and made the 'ehh...ok...' sign. Then. She says.
"Does he hate you?"
I like...froze. Who asks a question like that? seriously?
"I dunno. He acts like he does."
"Oh. That sucks."
And then my attention was shifted to the pages of my book. But really, I was pretty much thinking. Thinking isn't good for me lately. Which is why I can't wait to be busy with the musical and show choir and just...let go. And then I don't wanna let go.
Everyone figures I'm over it by now. I'm fine until someone mentions his name. My best friends know better than to do that. But yesterday at the lunch table, we were talking about something that just made me laugh until I wanted to pee myself.  I think it was bush taming.
AHA. You do NOT wanna know. I promise you.
and then Kayla mentions something about him and I just stopped laughing. and turned red. again.
I'm so tired of it.
Why can't I just talk about him like we're best friends or something?
I'd rather it be that way than this.
and the fact that I used to tell him everything...and now I can't tell him anything? Because he pretty much hates my guts and wouldn't care if I hung myself in my closet tonight. PSh. who am I kidding. There's not enough room in my closet to hang myself. And I don't have any ropes. and I would never hang myself. If I ever killed myself (which I would never do) I would jump off of something reallyyy high. Because I'd get the adrenaline rush of falling and then die in a mere second. and I'd finally be able to fly.
But people who kill themselves go to hell, so that's outta the picture.
Now some other guy likes me. and I kinda feel bad. Because I'm an idiot and still have feelings for the guy that promised me forever and then went and dumped me over a text message.
And I just realized. It's october. In 6 days it'll have been a month since it happened and I'm STILL crying myself to sleep every night and imagining scenarios that I wish with all my might would come true?
I just wanna fix it. I wanna talk to him, and fix it, but he won't let me. He doesn't wanna talk to me. He doesn't wanna talk about it. He doesn't like me, doesn't love me, and now I'm started to doubt he ever did. and I really never thought I would say that.
He's right.
I don't know him anymore...
I guess he doesn't know me either.

-Kiera