Tangled

All I know is that it still hurts like crap. I woke up wishing it all was just a dream. But I know it's not...I know it's all real...but it makes it 10x worse when I have a dream that he wants me again...and then I wake up to find he doesn't. It hurts so bad...It hurts so...bad. So I wake up in the morning after a day of crying...and cry. It makes no sense. Okay, so I suppose it makes sense. It's never gonna be the same. I'm never gonna be same. I guess I'm just gonna have to be strong. I just wish I could go back in time to fix things! He's telling everyone I wasn't FREAKING HAPPY! That's. not. true. Towards the end, I had emotional breakdowns but there's reasons for those emotional breakdowns that don't relate to him and now...now I don't have him to make me feel better and hold me and tell me it's gonna be okay...I feel...exposed. Like..some random mass murderer is gonna come in my house and kill me and no one would care. No one would even notice. I sure wouldn't care. Come, mass murderer. I wanna escape. I've got friends that care about me and a family that knows I'm hurting but no matter how hard they try it doesn't get better. I've still lost him, and I'm still a wreck. because I was foolish enough to believe all those lies. I guess they might've not been lies at the time. And you know...I even told myself not to believe them. That he'd break those promises one day, it was impossible not to. There's no way one person could want to be with me like that. I'm not perfect either. Psh. Everyone knows that. I hate it when I'm upset and people tell me I'm talented..I know they're trying to make it feel better...but...I don't care what any other guy thinks of me..I care what he thinks. and I can't rewind 5 months, 6 days of my life like nothing happened. because something did happened. something...extraordinary and perfect and...amazing and..now it's all over! Now I'm just a broken, tangled MESS.
Let's just see how strong I can be.
and hearing those stupid love songs makes it a million times worse. Because those used to be the songs I'd smile and be happy and...I'd sing along and understand them. Now it just stings. I don't even care anymore. About anything. I just...I just know I lost.