Save me

So I just found out my grandma is in the hospital. I'm scared out of my mind. The last time I saw her was last weekend and I ruined it because I couldn't stop dang CRYING. and now I'm scared. scared. scared. and yeah...so I honestly don't know what to do. Is everything going wrong at the same time for some reason? Does God want me to suffer? Am I being punished? I dunno..I know God is all-forgiving and doesn't do such deeds but...I'm scared. I just want..everything to be okay again. I can't believe I was so overdramatic a week ago worrying about what might happen. Maybe if I hadn't been so worried, it wouldn't have happened and...things would be a whole lot easier. I wish things were a whole lot easier. I always say everything happens for a reason. But the worst part about that is sometimes you don't know that reason. Ever. and I'm afraid I'm just gonna be sitting here waiting to find out the reason forever.
Every night before I fall asleep, I see everything. I see...my past..my present, my future. And it all seems so..vague. Before..I knew my future. I knew what I was going to do, and I knew what made me happy. But it's different when what makes you happy doesn't want that anymore. I just think...what am I now? What do people think of me when I walk down the hall, clutching my books to my chest like a lost little girl? When I sit on the risers in choir in a little ball, hoping no one will notice the smile isn't real. Hoping no one will notice what I really feel. Okay, that was not supposed to rhyme. I feel cool. >.<
Anyways.
Yeah, I don't like being hurt. But I guess I'll just have to live with this feeling. Today my friend told me 'life is like a roller coaster. So just sit back and don't fall out.'
And I thought...I'm already falling. Nothing makes sense, my heads spinning, my heart won't stop racing and my eyes are always blurred. I can't see where I'm going. I don't know if I'm going to hit the cold ground or if someone's gonna catch me. But how can someone catch me? It's a long fall...and I might just hurt them too. There's not enough time for a net. I'm gonna crash.
I'm never gonna be able to ride a roller coaster again. My metaphors are quite confusing.
A quote from my favorite movie Titanic.
"I feel as if I'm in the middle of a crowded room, screaming at the top of my lungs and no one even looks up!"
No one even looks up.