Love never fails.

I'm really scared. My grandma apparently isn't doing so good and probably has to get her heart shocked today. Why is it that everything seems to go wrong at the same time? A month ago, things were pretty friggin peachy-keen. Now I'd do anything to get that back. Almost. I'm just tired of this..everything. of everyone telling me what I can and can't do. Of crying myself to sleep everynight because I can't get everything off my mind. Of being scared of everything! Now that he's gone I feel...exposed? And unsafe. I've already said that but...yeah. Mom says I just need to focus on school and show choir and the musical and stuff. I guess she's right. and I try to do that but it's...kinda hard while I've got so many other things swirling amongst my brain at the moment. I just...wish someone would really be there for me. Most everyone assumes after a week, I'm over it. Sure it's less...more like I'm numb now. Whatever. I don't care. Who am I kidding? Yes I do. I care. More than almost anything...almost.
I went to church last night. I almost didn't go cuz Dad didn't wanna take me(the football game was on. What a stupid excuse right? Church is WAY more important than some idiotic guys running around in tights throwing a ball across a field through little fork things. PAHA! Sorry, that was mean) and so I marched myself down to the  neighbors where my dad was watching that football game and angrily begged him to bring me to church.
So my mom took me. I'm really glad I went. I just kinda zoned out and stopped thinking during mass and it made me feel better. At steubenville, they told us that when we were scared, to just ask God to hold us. I've been doing that to help me fall asleep at night. I always works. It makes me feel a lot safer to know I've got God with me, and my faith is pretty strong. Even if things sometimes seem...unbelievable. Unrealistic.
I'll be okay.
What kinda scares me is that fact that...I don't care being alone anymore. I'll walk through a cemetery and not even flinch because..honestly...I don't care as much what happens to me now. I know that sounds bad...but its true. I hate feeling like this. I feel sick all the time, and I can't stand weekends cuz I've got nothing to do unless my parents are nice and let me have a friend over. Urrg.
I just didn't think he was like that...ya know? Like every other girl who goes through a breakup, I'm gonna say this. I thought he was different. Different. Last Friday night we went and saw a movie, and it was absolutely perfect...then monday...everything for 5 months is gone? Does it mean nothing to you? Because it means something to me. and I don't care if you don't give a diced melon about me anymore...(why am I talking in 2nd person?)
My mom (yeah, my mom is attempting to give me a lot of advice) says that it was 'ignorant of him' to treat me like that friday and then break up with me monday. And that she's mad at him. PAh. I love my mom, but being mad at him sure as hell doesn't fix it. But I know nothing can fix it...except time, really. I just..can't believe I was stupid enough to believe everything. To think that we'd be together forever?
Even when we began the relationship in late march I remember telling myself, "You're not gonna move too fast, and don't go believing what he says, because they never mean it and if you believe him you'll be more heartbroken when he ends it."
Psh. LOOK WHO WAS RIGHT?!
Don't believe them because they never mean it.
I didn't say "I love you" until I meant it. Wheras he said it within the first day. There's no way he meant it. No dump trucking way. He just...told me that? What kind of a person...who...why in the heck would someone lie about all that for 5 months? Sure, maybe he didn't think he was lying at the time.
But love never fails.
It's in the BIBLE!
Love never fails...
Guess what happened?
FAIL!
So I guess he never loved me. Not really. Maybe it was a teeny glimpse of what love feels like. Sure, it felt like I was gettin' the whole cake thrown right at me, and I was absolutely insanely happy with that.
But it wasn't. It was just a little peice of cupid's little red-velvet cake one calls love (that metaphor sounded retarded!) and I've just gotta wait until I'm ready for more. Even if it's not the same cake. Different cakes are nice too...thing is I don't want another cake. I liked that cake. It was my favorite. I didn't even get the chance to finish it...