I like the way it hurts?

I guess...people really do change. I don't know what was holding me back, but I thought maybe things were gonna alla sudden go back to when they were perfect some day...and everything would be good again. But I don't see that day happening. He hates me. It's clear as day. I don't know what I did to make him feel that way, but apparently he does. and I'm kind of afraid that this 'eating disorder' i got going on...yeah its getting worse. And today he told me off for saying melon. Okay, so he pretty much is an EXPERT at pissing me off. And he pretty much is an EXPERT at making me burst into tears in front of people I don't want to burst into tears in front of. The hell with that.
I haven't written in a while because our internet is out. My dad couldn't pay the bill...yes, money is really tough right now. :s I'm scared. Everything's going wrong. I can have ONE good day where I'm finally a little bit slightly happy. and he ruins it and tells me off for saying melon. Saying that I'll never be as awesome and cool as one of my best friends. That makes me feel fantastic! Thanks! If I'm dead tomorrow THANK YOURSELF!
I'm not suicidal. but...I wouldn't object to a homocide right about now. COME ON MURDERERS! BRING IT!
...
O.o
Yeah. so I'm babysitting right now. This keyboard is pretty awesome to type on. Ah. Why is that absolutely everything makes me think of him? The other day someone said something about a duck, and it made me think of him! A DUCK! WTHECK!?!?!?!?
...
*sigh*
I just don't know anymore. Everythings gone blank. I dunno what I'm doing, what I'm gonna do, where I'm going...it's just..scary. I wanna go BACK. Because...I miss everything. Okay, I admitted it, SHOOT ME. Yes, I miss..yeah. I can't even say the whole sentence outloud because I sound ABSOLUTELY PATHETIC.
So when is this going to end? I hate it. I'm going to DIE on show choir trips. It just..I hate it! I HATE IT!! I can't TAKE it anymore!
Apparently my feelings matter nothing to him. If I killed myself, right here, right now, he'd prolly laugh. HAHA! KIERAS DEAD! YAAAYY!!! I AM REJOICING!!!
...
Psh. Whatever makes him happy.
Again.
I'm not suicidal.

-Kiera